Letting Go...and relaxing into...The Intelligence of the BODY

I Can Think Of Nothing Better Than...the beat is coming from within

2009-10-19T07:29:00.000-07:00

I can think of no better place for me to be at this moment then to have my fingers pump out the beat that is coming from within...

Somehow I have slowed down to speed up...i know that deep inside me so much is happening...so much is changing for me...and it is becoming bigger, more and more is coming into my awareness that I just want to slow down to speed up...

Take care of my body as I hear the screams from within...information is moving so fast in my head area that I can't even keep up to the speed...I don't have to, I just have to let it go, let it move, let it release, dissolve, and integrate into my whole...

Where do I find my sacred space to open up to the places that make a difference to me? How does this look for me? What beliefs do I still carry that are limiting me? Maybe, it is about believing in what I already have... What values do I not speak up about that matter to me, and may seem somewhat "common sense" to others. Yes, it is none of my business what others think of me - yet where do I not speak up when I need to and it seems like common sense to someone else - a presupposition that may be made and I don't speak my own truth.

Fire is truly burning brightly in me these days...I see that it is the fire that makes a difference to moving forward to a rich in meaning life. It is not about forgiveness and being gentle - oh yeah, I love my life to be wonderfully peaceful most of the time. Yet, it is about this moment where I am experiencing such fire in my body that it will transform me in the nano-second.

This morning I am "tired" yet know that as the day and weeks move forward I will see the genius of my own evolution...I have been brave all my life and know that I no longer need to be brave alone.

So many amazing people are coming into my life...and all I need to do today is breathe!

Letting that Immense Fire to Be Funneled and Released

2009-09-21T06:28:00.000-07:00

I opened up this blog, went upstairs for a tea, and made a toast with slathers of peanut butter smoothed on top...

Now is that not stopping the immensity of this 'fire' that is going through me right now!!!!

An hour ago I was 'disturbed' by work man outside my door. They are paving our crescent today and we have not be informed - no one has been notified in the crescent. The lack of respect I am feeling right now is going through me, and is not flowing with whom I am in the world, and this is only information for me to move, and know more of myself. I am not my past, and it presents itself for me to know the next decloaking...I'm staying right here, right now...

After all, this is "all about me"... sigh!

I went to the middle of my road, and the workman/machine stopped and I asked, "I want to speak to the head supervisor, right here, right now". I stood there in the middle of my road and after time the supervisor came with his worker.

As the supervisor and other man were approaching me, they were making jokes of it all. As they were in front of me, I said right out, "this is very disrespectful and why were we not informed prior?" I breathed....A huge story came out of the supervisor's mouth and he was certain of his own take, and wanting to go into "icebergs interacting". Again I breathed...I was very clear and spoke directly, "this is not about blaming, this is about not informing us beforehand". My back of my sheen's shook while I was speaking up and out, and noticed at times it would stop, and start up again. Thank God I know what I know...as I was clear of what I was wanting to say for myself.

I am going to stay with this as more and more will reveal itself, for me to know more about myself. It is not for me to "explode" and tell him "off" as i would of years ago. No, it is about letting that immense fire to be funnelled through my body and released. I am really going to stay with this all day, not the "make up more stories" yet the immensity of my fire. I do have a client in the afternoon and it will be interesting for me, as she parks her car on the North Service Road and walks in the crescent (on the lawns ) to arrive at my house. It is not about her, yet, about me on how I want to present myself to the world as I am moving out, my "business" is expanding. There is more to pay attention to...

How many times do I speak up like this, because i think to myself, oh well, they have started? How many times do I feel a sense of "not for me" and I have signed the contract? How many times do I accept an invitation and "it doesn't feel right". And how many times do I choose what I want - this is what I want, to go right into this "fire" - not easy, not fun, yet I have a bigger understanding of my self in this moment - that my voice matters, as well, all the voices in this crescent!!! We deserve "respect" by putting out a notice beforehand!!! Simple...And I am speaking up when I believe I am not receiving respect.

I don't live my life "flat-lined" anymore - I live from a place of so much joy and am attracting others in my life that live from that place as well. There are many people in my life, recently, that are manifesting what they want for themselves. I AM manifesting what I want for myself! Hmm, I respect myself...and I will speak up for the group, when it matters to me! This is freeing for me because I have always "waited" myself down because i thought I had to speak up for the group no matter if it meant my own truth or not. This time it is fresh...it matters to me, and I spoke up for the group. I am so clear that it is not about what I think it is about. Speaking up when it matters to me, and speaking up for the group, first and only, because it matters to me. Saying it again...I only speak up for the group when it matters to me. I have always been a person to "stir the pot" and to re-claim that awareness of myself right now is freeing...and how I don't have the gaps I use to experience as now I'm clear, open, and direct and make sense to me, as well to others, respecting myself of the "immense" fire that has always wanted to move through me. Imagine a world that we respect ourselves and respect others for who they are!!!...I am going to continue to let this rumble...

I'll be back,

Trust YourSelf

Embracing the full intensity of 'Irritation'!

2009-08-05T09:54:00.000-07:00

The question that is arising, is, how much more space can I create for myself as I choose to grow?

The momentum I am creating is propelling me into a direction of my choosing, and I know that there is more space for me to be 'fuller'. The last few days I have been experiencing 'irritation'... now in this paradigm shift, from a WEL-Systems (R) context, I know this 'information' is presenting 'itself' for me to know more of who I am 'authentically'; the "real me"!

This is a very familiar feeling in my body and yet, it is not of my past. And maybe, it is from my past? In my world, many things can exist at the same time...what is this 'unknown' 'irritation'?

What does 'irritation' mean to me? What information does it hold for me? Am I willing and able to let this move or do I choose to keep 'it' from not moving?

The dictionary definition is "excite to anger, annoy - easily annoyed" from the pocket oxford dictionary. Okay, next impulse...I am looking up 'annoy' - "cause slight anger or mental distress to."

Some of that is making sense...and very clear to me that this, although not comfortable, is the 'fire energy' that propells me into my emerging future!

Well I am going to go into last evening as I could hardly 'contain' myself. (nice metaphor - 'contain') I was up doing something, then to the kitchen to 'eat' something wanting this to "go away", or to 'numb' this sensation. Again, I lied down, then back up again, spoke to my husband and found that it had no words (huge progression for me, as before I would not share this with my husband), and then, I just allowed 'it' to move, breathing...breathing...deeper breathes. Yes, a sensation of being "pissed off'!

What came up for me is that I didn't want to do what I had planned to do today. I wanted a change in my schedule, as my body needed some 'away from it all' time. Even though I am understanding that I engage, engage, and engage again...I also know that if my body is telling me to Pause, in that moment, and do what is meaningful to me, and then have fun, engaging, engaging, engaging, once again; in this dance 'it' all becomes 'right' for me. I am having so much fun having conversations that lite me up yet know in this moment, and just for this brief time....I DESERVE to have some time that has meaning for me. on my own. To boot, I know that I am no longer the 'lone wolf' and this 'moment' is a time to nourish me - and I choose to do it, alone.

This is kind of funny, yet, not very often in my past, when I would get to this point I would say I was "sick". Well, that created a lot of rules for me because I would have to 'stay' in bed, not go out of the house because someone would see me, and 'prison' myself, only because I DESERVE some time for myself. How crazy is that? Sounds like I was counterproductive! And getting more of what I didn't want!!!

This 'excited irritation' is unfolding in a new way. I wonder if this is something I would 'push down' to not make myself 'big' or visible? Hmm, Which choices do I make that allow me to be 'visible' and 'excited irritation'...to be 'visible' having an 'excited irritation'?

Hmm, as I write that last sentence...there is a knowing that I made a lot of rules, as well, lots of rules came into my world about 'visible' having 'excited irritiation'.

I hear my own inner voice saying to me, "must be cool, calm and collective".

How easy it is for me to "congratulate", "honor" and especially if you are male, to think way more of you, then myself. (I am not looking to ridicule men, this is just an awareness that I held true to myself up to this moment, and no more.) No more because it keeps me small, and it keeps the men in my life small - let alone, other men in the world.

Even last night I was not giving myself permision to 'embrace' all of this energy. I was doing what I have done in the past, to do everything else execpt to allow the full intensity of this information to move.

Trust YourSelf

Do I Speak All My Truth?

2009-06-17T16:18:00.000-07:00

Last night, and today I have a sense of 'agitation'. This is not about it being right, wrong, good or bad that I am experiencing. It is something I am experiencing right now, and for me, to see what intelligent information it holds for me?

These past three months I have spent a lot of time with my own family and extended family on both sides; on my husband's and my own family. It has been nothing short of amazing for me. It has been a "gift" I have given myself, to understand more of who I am. Not always easy.

"Agitation" in my body doesn't feel familiar and yet, it feels very familiar. It doesn't feel familiar because it is something that I know I have shut down for years because I was so culturally conditioned to be "nice". No way, would I ever express what my own truth, knowing that there would be a lot of "agitation" in my outside world. And would I be "nice" to myself, even though I was experiencing "agitation" in my body?

Last night when I came home from a two day trip with my" adult son"...i experienced something of a different perspective...at dinner time so much "agitation" was going through me, before I would silence myself to this "agitation" and the only place it would be able to go is inward...this "agitation" I was experiencing last night, I spoke up and out my truth and said to my husband..."Right now, I am experiencing information that is "extreme" moving in my body". "I don't want to talk right now, as so much is moving". I decided to get up from the table and go on my own. Now, I believed that I was clear, honest, open and direct with what I was letting him know.

Later that evening my son came home and asked me "what was happening with me?" as he talked with his father about what "they" felt was happening.

I am noticing how easy it is for us to "point our fingers" everywhere else, exempt inward to ourselves. No, I am not even interested in pointing my finger inward. What I am interested in, is allowing myself to be clearer of what is happening, in my own "agitation" for myself. Or, paying attention to what is going off in my body or not. Now, what is getting wonderful in my life, is that my body isn't with all that shame and guilt I held before. To add, I am not exempt from me experiencing the "more" as I am a living organic being always going towards growth.

The "agitation" I have going through my body is about me. Is it "okay" in my body, knowing that I am a very curious person and always been the one to stir the pot? Or, have I re-claimed, own that for myself right now, of "agitation" in my body?

Is it safe for me to speak out now, all my truth of how I see my world, (not just most of my truth) and possibly you may see your world with similar lens? And, not to place "worry" on what anyone else may say or do?

From the Webster dictionary:
agitation - disturbance, mental or physical, esp. worry, public disturbance on a large scale or the process of creating it.

I can feel that I make a huge difference to my world and the world around me. Am I willing and able to speak ALL of my truth and not be "agitated" by my outside world? In this past week I have declared, "no more verbal violence in my own home". Am I willing to stay right with this, or will I water down what my truth is - to make it "nice" for everyone?

Somehow, I know I cannot turn back!

Trust Yourself

No More Violence In My Home!

2009-06-05T03:25:00.000-07:00

This early morning is quiet, peaceful, and there is no sign of "awakening"?

Ahh, how I love these mornings that I have not experienced in a long time. As I layed in bed, wide awake this morning, I jumped out of bed to make myself a cup of tea, and then downstairs to blog...

I haven't created this space for myself for a while...how it just feels good and how I know that I want to blog about how much has changed in my life...yes, again in quantum speed, only since April at the Power, Purpose, and Passion, a WEL-Systems (R) retreat when I declared, "no more violence in my home".

I always thought to myself that this secret I kept so tightly to my chest, would be okay for me to "keep to myself" with no outcome...in other words, "Don't say anything and IT will go away".

How exhausting it has been over the years to "wish" it away, each time the verbal abuse would happen - the knowing in my body was felt with much intensity - and then I would soldier on, to get on, with the next moment. Somehow, as I talk to my own clients about the insanity dance...I was choosing to have an insanity dance that was so hidden, with no awareness for me to even come to some understanding that "violence was happening in my own home"!

I just spent a week in Calgary with extended family. What I became curious about is how easy it is for us to blame everyone else, and not to look at ourselves for what can potentially be a paradoxical moment to claiming more of who we are. To finding out more of who we are and becoming. No, not about turning the conversation into a blaming match...to pause, and just create safe space for myself, and other's to look at that moment from new eyes.

The aha's come fast in those moments because the body always knows. We know what we want and desire. Yet...Do we always allow ourselves to speak our own truth? Do we allow other's to speak their own truth? Do we want to "control" other's opinions so that our world can stay the same? Do we truly listen to what other's are saying; only to be thinking of what is coming out of our own mouths? Do we respect ourselves, and then honour the same respect for the other person? No, I don't have to take on their opinion for my own, yet, I do believe respecting and listening to what they have to say matters (both to me and them). After all, I believe, what is coming out of your mouth, is really about your own internal landscape. How amazing that is for me, as I am up for truly "intimate" conversations and no longer even experience that disconnect that I experienced not to long ago. I see in my own life, I am "hungry" for conversations that expand lives - both mine and yours!

Yes, since April my life has expanded into ways that I could never even imagine!

One thing that I welcome, and always was so hidden in me (or was it?)...because I knew my home was not a happy place to come to...and now that has taken a complete turn...my home has a welcome sign now...I have had more guests, friends and family stay or visit in my home since April then I care to count on my hand in the past years.

Tears are coming now...this is such an amazing truth for me. How simple it is just to state my truth in that moment at PPP in April. I gave up the notion of what people will think of me...after all I had gone so far in my own evolution, how could I miss something as huge as, "allowing violence in my own home"?

I welcome you to leave your comments on this blog, if the pull is there for you to speak, I would love to hear from you. This topic alone will make a difference to our world. If everyone chooses to Respect themselves, and then respect each other, we would be able to take life to a higher place, and work on more interesting endevours....and not the insanity dance we keep getting of violence in our own homes that ultimately spreads out into society.

As I breathe deeply on the exhale

Intimacy...Living a Rich and Meaningful Life?

2009-05-14T04:31:00.001-07:00

I feel the pull to blog. So much has happen in this week of coming to the Maritimes. It has been so calm, yet, so propelling, knowing that this is for my own growth. Yes, it is important for me to be aware, paying attention for people to know of how it will be a benefit for them, of what I offer, if they choose to engage with me.

Yes, this is so true...and where am I right now...something this week showed me so much more then I even imagine...

I took one day and drove down to Antigonish. This is where my aunt is. What I do want to say is that she was a very progression women and was strong, independent and loved life. I am only assuming, yet, see a very different women now and she is in a private nursing home. Yes, the environment is exactly what I would of imagine her to be in - looking out her window with green grass and sheep in the distance. I was just in aye of the surroundings and views that she could enjoy.

When I was sitting in her room with her. I asked her, "wow, do you ever just lie here and enjoy your view?"

The answer came back quickly and she replied, "no".

I am just devastated, and yes, that is a big word...I hurt to the core of how big she was in the world and how she has gone...oh yeah, i can see little glimmers of who she was, yet, she is gone.

The intimacy of conversations I had with her are gone. The joy that I shared with her of her being my aunt, and for me, being her niece are gone. The connection I shared with her, of being a Maritimer are gone.

Wow, waves and waves are coming...what is so gone out of my own life? I know that I am going to be okay when she chooses to go on... What is it about my own life that she is reflecting at me?

She never gave up and I am sure as a social worker after the war...there had to be many times that she just motored on with what she believed in her own being. Women at that time were not valued in the workplace and she rose to the top in her field. She never limited herself in the things that she wanted for herself.

At one point in the visit, I am sure she was seeing herself through me, and she didn't give up to look for her lipstick...in her grace, she took the little mirror and, like she always did all her life, put her lipstick on with pride (you know I don't even know the fitting word for how she put her lipstick on)...it brought out so much color to her, and I could see more of who she was in the world.

Yes, I feel "devastated" right now.....tears are flowing...

So, I am going to bring this back to me...do I limit myself? Maybe the bigger question for me, do I live a rich life?

There is something there right now...where do I live a rich life? I am not anywhere in the thinking of "money"....what is coming up for me, is, do I choose to live a "rich" meaningful life?
Do I always choose to do the things that have meaning to me? Do I choose to be around the people that allow me the space of a "rich meaningful life"?

This week was amazing...

I met up with some women this week that truly love who they are, and respect who I am in the world. The joy when I saw them...was only of Respect, Integrity and Generosity of Spirit...

I sit here and pause...i don't know if I have made sense, and that is not the intent of why I am blogging...I blog because it is "rich and meaningful" for me. I have lots to do today, making physical contact - hmm, the intimacy that is so rich and meaningful to me!

Do you live in the moment, a rich and meaningful life?

How easy it is when we make it that way...all i have to do is breathe!

Trust Yourself

How seductive and hidden all this becomes...and wonder, why is my life not working?

2009-05-11T06:39:00.000-07:00

Today I am listening to the whisper. The clinic I am working out of this week, in the maritimes, is closed today. Before in my other life, I would have huge "rules" for myself, that I need to be doing "something" after all, I am here on business.

I stop, pause and breathe...

I have engaged with a few people already this morning...and how nice for me as I live with no rules, I didn't have anything holding me back from contacting people, before I would of spent the whole day "trying" to contact with no success AND as the day progressed, a sense of tiredness would of stopped me from doing what I really want to do. No more, I just breathe, and that brings me into the next moment. Nothing to do, nothing to try harder and faster...next impulse!

I have a sense in my own body, that I no longer have that tiredness that I use to be "con-summed" by. I am much lighter, clearer and solid.

Each conversation were meaningful this morning...so, how many times do we stop ourselves from doing what we really want to do. How many times do we stop ourselves and go down "A" pathway knowing that "B" is in front of us, to where it will be more meaningful and fulfilling.

"A" is a very "seductive" pull that continues to draw us, thinking that this is the answer...only to discover that something is hidden and we continue to get the same old, same old, and expecting DIFFERENT Results to our lives. How seductive and hidden all this becomes, that we believe is our truth...and we find ourselves in "default" once again. And wonder, why is my life not working...and by this age of 40/50/60 gaining more intensity to the craziness in our life, and not saying a word to anyone else outside ourselves. WHEW! What a wait to carry!!!

The cigar is never about the cigar.

One thing I am celebrating right now, I have taken "B" this week...I am not lucky...yet choose to be lucky!

Trust yourself and take a test drive in your own vehicle!

I Stopped...Paused and took a breathe....

2009-05-04T10:04:00.000-07:00

Wow, this is my 100th post. As I look forward to what is happening in my life, I am aware of the "work" i have done to be right here, right now. Yes, "work" and at times it was not easy, and at times it was "effortless-effort".

This morning I had something presented to me, either as a gift, or something I could choose not to pay attention to. My son, and it is never about someone else, (whatever is coming up in my body is what I pay attention to) suggested that "someone else" misplaced his keys. Hmm, I could go into lots of stories, and because he was heading out of the door within seconds, and there may be no one home, when he returned home. I STOPPED...Paused and took a breathe...

I spoke out for myself, "I am no longer going to be blamed". Period. No this is not good, bad, right or wrong...yet, something I need to take back for myself.

What came up for me is that I am not willing to "TAKE ON" other people's stuff, and own it as mine. I am not talking about the "you have good energy, and that person has bad energy". No, I am talking about something very different.

If my body is not firing off, or nothing is showing up for me to pay attention...all is calm within me, then I would say that is a good indication that I don't have to pay attention. Do we as parents/adults have these experiences that we "take on" other people's stuff and own it.

As I am moving in my world, I am realizing I do a huge dis service to myself...because lots of blame and shame come my way when I choose to "take on others stuff"...and that I do a huge dis service to the person I am engaged with, because they don't have space open up to them, an opportunity to grow and own it for themselves, to find out more about themselves...because they think it is my stuff. Oh man, what an insanity dance!!!

Trust yourself next time this is presented to you...as a gift, or, as something you will not choose to pay attention to, or, it is someone else's stuff that you are owning...

It is no wonder that we are physically carry lots of unwanted "weight" to only suggest the tip of the ice berg...

pause... and then just breathe...

I AM TALKING ABOUT MISSING THAT WHISPER

2009-04-10T05:56:00.000-07:00

Wow, my life has propelled to a place that nourishes me and I MUST SAY the first time in my life!!! This is not positioned as good, bad, right or wrong...it is an awareness that is so front and center in me.

I am busy making arrangements to spend a week in Bedford Nova Scotia, May 7th to 15th. I will be working out of an clinic having one-one-one conversations, as well as, a program on the weekend, called "Relax into...a Journey of Discovery".

I am having many people show up in my life from the Maritimes. What a wonderful moment for me to be in, for me to be holding space for myself. I am really doing this exciting adventure on my own, and know that I am not alone...funny how I have never paid attention to...the right people for me, do show up when my "intention" is held.

I just got off the phone to the Maritimes, and a person is interested in seeing me, and not interested in what I have to offer.

In my awareness what comes clear to me is, is this "old familiar feeling of less than". People are always interested in me and that has been all my life. I am curious of that. You know, what is coming up for me is, "I measure my worst to their best"...hmm...no more of that dualist thinking for me, and I am HUGE in this world...and owning it! Yes, owning it for the first time!

I feel this second to embrace and own this moment of "deflate" because this is very "familiar" to me. How I can silence myself because someone is not interested in what I have to offer. Okay, I am clear to go on. Yet, how important for me to PAUSE, take a breathe, own this belief as "real" for myself and then let it go, allowing my next unfolding to fill that new space I have created...

This in and of itself, is something that is so important for me to speak up and out. I have been that "bull in the china shop" all my life. Always, moving quickly into the next unfolding for myself...and, I have not PAUSED to the "minute" to only override the "information" that was there for me to embrace, and own. I am not talking about analyzing or finding some meaningful revelation. I am talking about missing that whisper, that minute of intelligence, that neo-second, that when I do, my life just expands into a world of Bliss!

This phone call has been a wonderful gift. It has given me the joy of looking at it differently. How do I know to do it differently if I am in that "habitual" pattern of passing it by, only to get on to the next exciting unfolding?

The bigger question, of why that has been presented to me, in this moment, is for me to know more about me. How intimate it is, for me, to be able to pay attention to my whispers. I believe in my new world of choice, it doesn't have to be all that struggle that I once played out in my world.

Who I am in the world is just beautiful with all my imperfections. I own it ALL!!!

I welcome the wave that is here...and all I did was stay "curious"...easy and effortless!

Trust Yourself

Do WE Really Listen To What Each Other Is Saying?

2009-03-19T16:12:00.000-07:00

I know that I am very different in how I am moving through my world now 'cause people comment on just that and my life is fun. I just had a conversation with a women and at the end of the conversation she said, "I just want to tell you that by you saying "no" to the group, to not wanting the piece of information that the group was handing out...it gave me space to ponder, how many times in my own life have I said "yes" to a piece of paper, that I really didn't want". After all, if someone took the time to put their perceived "most important points" on paper to hand out, we must see the value for ourselves. GEESH!!! What a "crock" that is!!!

How many times do we say "yes" to something that we clearly don't want. And, the kicker for me right now, how many times do I say "no" and even through a strong "no"...the culturally conditioning of others, believing they are "doing good", I still ended up with, that "damn" piece of paper. It was thrown to me across the table and talked about that I hadn't receive it from the previous session. Do we really listen to what each other is saying? I don't believe life needs to be difficult if we allow ourselves to "receive" as well.

I AM Moving Thru The "GAP"

2009-03-15T11:51:00.000-07:00

I get it!!! Funny how, when I read that, it can mean something totally different than how I am saying that...I don't know if writing is always the "best" way to communicate. Sometimes too much is said, and then not enough being said, out of context...and then lots of presuppositions take place...

Okay, I get why I am "rambling"...here it comes...It doesn't matter what your opinion is of me...what matters for me, is that I take "100% responsibility" for my own life.

What does responsible mean?

To me, it is "taking" for yourself, ALL that is Yours! And I mean, it ALL! So the "stuff" that has been so "hidden" for years, that still drives your bus, and yes, wonder why you go in the direction of west, when you want to go east.

The "stuff" that you are aware of, yet, don't believe it is anything to "pay attention" to. And somehow, all of a sudden, a left curve comes flying in at you from no where. Or we believe...

The "stuff" that isn't yours, and continue to choose to"take on" that "stuff", "own it as yours" and wonder why the "weight" on your shoulders is so heavy. To add, not even realizing, that because we "choose" to "take on" other people's stuff, so I know I am speaking to many right now... that it doesn't allow someone else to step up to the plate of their own life. In other words, if we don't step up to the plate and "own" ALL of our stuff, then I believe, that doesn't allow someone to step up to their own life. In other words, do I "hold" someone back, because I don't own "ALL" of my own "stuff".

I know I have played a big "nurturer" most my life. That is not good, bad, right or wrong. Now I know there is so much more for me as I am having fun with many possibilities unfolding right now in my life...What is coming up for me right now, am I willing to "choose me" with all my imperfections (man, this morning, that ugly "PMS" head reared, right out of the blue, and I haven't experienced that for over a year and half) , to "own" it all. To just "take back" that "stuff" that has found a "lock down" position for over a year and half...although, I believe, all it is is more information for me to "dissolve" "metabolize", and it was only a benefit for me to hang on to this last bit, (OH, THE "GAP" I speak about!) as I move right into the "gap" releasing "it" out of my body right now...this is no longer serving me.

I get it!!! I am moving right through the "GAP" with no intention of STOPPING this...

I love this process of "writing" and swirling, always grounded, with a sense of "curiosity"...

Trust yourself!

Hmm, Looking at Parenting, Differently?

2009-03-10T11:37:00.000-07:00

Today, I wonder what would it be like if all of "us" that deeply love our children...and I believe no one is exempt...and just let our children, adult children "BE"? Or, if our children would speak their truth and allowed to speak their truth, what kind of world would there be? What would that look like? I believe I now live that world!

For me it is never about the solution, only about the bigger question asked...here goes some of my experiences I have had over the course of these past two years...

Allow them to "be" in their "dark moments" and let them wallow in what gift it has to offer them?

I wonder know, is it really "dark moments' or a time of discovery more of oneSelf?

To outwardly give permission, so that they are not shut down, or as a parent we don't shut them done, from that next unfolding, this is another human being and of their own evolution?

To "be" okay in our own bodies, not "trying" to make it 'right' for them?

To "be" silent, not of force, yet "silence" as a safe place, and holding a safe place to listen to what they are saying? And not want we want to hear, nor, assuming they are fine, because they are "fitting" in...they need to be asked to hear their truth. Not saying, good, bad, right, or wrong..yet saying, we don't know what is there truth until we have a conversation with them. And that is always changing and ongoing...after all, we are organic.

To allow, the fire that is coming from their own body to be released in that moment. (No, that is not an invitation for them to tell everyone they wanted to tell off...yet, .for them to close their mouth, and honour the energy that will transform their life?) How many of us in society don't get that? One, for ourselves, and then for our children?

To allow them to say "no" when they mean "no", and honour with not "trying" to change that to what we think best? Or send them to the next person we believe will "help", betraying their own truth?

To allow ourselves to "insert" when we feel the intensity in our own bodies to speak up and out?

And there is more that I don't know, that I don't know...

I know there is a way that is open looped, and not the close loop that is quickly deteriorating us as a society and human race.

Remember, I am the "Queen" of "intrnalizing" eveyone else's stuff and making "it" my own. Geesh!!!

2009-03-09T08:09:00.000-07:00

This is where I like to express "raw" "data" that comes from my inner core of who I am. I just type and whatever comes, comes. I haven't been here lately, off doing other things, and here I am right now, for me, and because you are reading this, notice for yourself, what ever comes up for you.

My whole body is of "sweat" "heat" and "agitation". I seem to be getting "Hit" from a pattern that has been going on for ever. I don't know what that pattern is, and I am willing and able to stay with that "right now". Yes, it is very "hidden"...

All my married life, I identified as my "ONLY" role as being a great mother. Oh, man people told me how wonderful of a job I was doing and I believed I was "one" of those mother's who was doing a wonderful job. And I was at the time, for what I knew at that time. Now, I know something more, to move differently that is expansive for me, life sustaning, life altering...

Fast forward, I moved to Ottawa with my husband. My only child, my son, moved on to Calgary.

My life, as well as my son's life, fell apart, each of us, for different reasons...I honor and respect the journey that has taken me to this point...What I am aware of is that I only "identified" myself as a "mother" and when I arrived in Ottawa from Halifax, and my son was not liking where he was, I internalized to the point it made me "collapse" thinking the the only thing in my life I was doing "right" I failed at... THIS IS SO CLEAR TO ME, this is nothing about my son.

I know now, I am not responsible for anyone else's journey...and that includes my son's. What is exciting to me, is how now I make sense to myself, staying present to my own truth (not what we have been culturally conditioned to believe our truth is) and this allows HUGE space for me...not my old way, of "trying" to figure it all out, or for one person to share their opionion, then I'd take that as my own truth (gospel truth), being okay for awhile, then, being "HIT" again with what I didn't want...NO! NO!

A way that invites "IT ALL" to come into my awareness. To know that I don't have to have my son's answers for him. I don't have to feel"WAITed" down, just because he is going through something profound for himself, in that moment, and because I "internalize" that he is not expressing "happiness", and I interpret as "SADDNESS"... do I really need to judge/analze that at all. After all, we all have moments, each and everyday, isn't that what being human is?

To accept that our children are human beings and they too have ebb and flow...sometimes the "dark" side is not the "dark" side at all...

And sometimes, I know I "annoy" him...yet for me to ask the bigger question, and that is how more clarity comes these days for me. To know, yes he is 21 right now, to let go...allow life to swirl around...be okay in the "I don't know, what I don't know"...to stay grounded is truly a huge awareness for me...not to spin off like a top, crazyingly hitting everything and anything in my physical, emotional and spiritual world, and to be "real" to the present moment, of here and now.

So what is this all about for me...it is the "gaps" I experience and how I Stop myself allowing my body to process that "just a neo-second more", I STOP myself and I don't want to speak up, and tell my truth, it is about staying clear that "internalizing" other people's stuff is not mine, I don't own it, don't have to own it, and staying present to myself that I need to voice just that. That meaning "I don't own it" yet, staying with what is coming up for me, and not to STOP THE GAP...silence myself...NO matter if I believe I "dominate" (ouch, somthing t pay attention to) or think people don't want to hear what I need to say for myself, or whatever other reason I can come up in my "little old head" that STOPS me from speaking up and out of my own truth. Remember, I am the Queen of "internalizing" everyone else's stuff and making "it" my own. Geesh!!!

Trust yourself

Another "Birth": How I Just Keep Getting Stronger!!!

2009-02-20T13:36:00.000-08:00

As I run up and down my stairs in my new home...i run pass a huge pot, carried by a wooden frame with wheels...I pondered today, and stopped...to look at the planter and knew how it has played out many times... how I choose/choosing to live my life, from the time i lived in the maritime to the east end of Ottawa, to now, where I live, in Orleans, Each place I lived/live was a metaphor for how I was living my life, and how in this moment, the roots are so strong, and producing new leaves...

I just happen to have a "green thumb" and it was when I lived in the Maritimes that I bought this plant for $1.50. It must be at least 5 years ago that I bought this plant. I was a teacher in Nova Scotia happily facilitating, on the math assessment team, students at the grade three and nine level.

My plant grew and grew and grew. So big that I finally transplanted to this huge planter. I loved many things in my life then, and I didn't love who I was. Two and half years ago, in the extreme heat of the summer...I wasn't go to let go of this plant. So I ask the movers if they would take the plant. They agreed and said your move will take 8 days, and we can't guarantee anything.

Well, when it was delivered to us, in Ottawa, it was "heat stroke" meaning the leaves were falling off, leaves shriveled up, and not much left - which most people would of thrown the plant away and started all over again. NOT ME!!!

I cut down the plant to allow it to have more energy at is roots. I watered the plant daily for awhile, and yes, I do talk to my plants! Hmm, maybe that helped too! LOL

The plant took awhile, and maybe even a half year, to come back - and again, I enjoyed this beautiful plant with lots of green foliage, for another year and half, until our next move.

Then in the middle of December, 2008, and one of the coldest days of the year,. we moved here to Orleans. The movers told us that they would not move the plant. So we wrapped the plant up, and put it on the back of the truck...I knew that it would be okay, and my husband was doubtful.

It is a huge metaphor for me right now, as I run up and down my stairs...I clipped off the branches at the beginning of January. For me, there was nothing to lose. When i walk in the front door I look up at the next level and see this planter with 6 thick branches sticky out. I have placed this plant in full view of everyone to see, either coming in the front door, coming down the stairs or coming up from downstairs...I am joyful that now, there are many "little" green leaves popping up, on the six branches...imagine, that new growth just happened in 6 wks!

I am pleased to say, that this is another "birth" for me, that is so strong at the roots, that is quickly producing lots of new growth. The metaphor's are abundant for me to catch...and imagine, I was going to throw this away at one point in it's moves. This is all about me, how not to "give up" on myself, I am only getting stronger, I too, am having lots of (little) fast growth happening!!!

I smile each time I pass the plant!!!

Huge sigh!

Trust yourself

How do you RE-Claim the Life You Want to CHOSE?

2009-02-18T11:03:00.000-08:00

Right now, I STOP what I am doing and...

I could easily choose to take a nap right now...and I believe I would just "give into" something that I don't want anymore in my life...right now..I choose to blog...

Life has been moving fast for me these past months...I am welcoming that excitement and something happen yesterday that has "shaken" me...

I heard, a person in my life, his sister died last week at the age of 28, from "lymphoma".

What has "shaken" me is that I am clear, and get clearer, that this is happening far to often, and yes, at alarming younger and younger ages.

I believe many people are looking for something more in their lives, yet, don't know even where to look. Yes, I talk to many that know my own life is different, want to engage with me, and then walk away, only to go back into their lives, that they told me, were not working. I don't have any judgment on that.

Something else for me that I am getting curious about, is, how does anyone know there is something different? In other words, "if you don't know something, how do you find out, if it is not even in your awareness"?

Okay, if you have never even been shown or experienced something different, I am not saying throw the baby out with the bath water, yet, how do you even know there is something out there, that will expand your life, not make it smaller?

That "Something" i talk about, in my experience, has made a huge difference to myself along with thousands of people, to re-claim the life of their choice? A life that they express "Joy" with and of wanting to get up early Monday morning to head back to work! Imagine that, jump out of bed, ready for a week of work!

I am no longer allowing myself to be silent. I am no longer going to NOT speak up about my truth. Yes, knowing that I am not responsible for people's journey, yet my responsibility is to speak up and share with other's about my own journey back to health, and now a FUN life. I am no longer going to be silenced because I was waiting for someone else to go before me. I am no longer going to be "nice" because I don't know anything but... I am no longer going to believe that I don't have something "potent" to share, that changes people's lives, if they choose.

This Sunday I am engaging in another W.O.I. - A Conversation with Marie. These "free" conversations are not a "marketing plan" of how to create business for myself. These conversations are for me, to stay more alive!

For me to nourish my own soul, to stay in the tough conversations and welcoming conversations that always allow me to engage in the "more" of what I am becoming...

I know this is not why I have blogged...and, if this is something you want to engage in, fire me an email at trust-your-self@rogers.com to confirm a seat for this Sunday at the WEL-Systems Institute. Many of you have commented that you do read my blogs and never leave a comment. I would love to hear from you by email.

trust yourself!

"Humor"... "Stinkin' Thinkin'"... "Lighten Up"...

2009-02-13T04:56:00.000-08:00

Humor, do I have some? When don't I have some? Do I even notice that I don't have some? Or do I notice I don't have some and notice that it might be a good thing to have...oh man, I usually ride the wave of my life with humor, and am I right now?

The definition of "humor" is a state of mind, mood, inclination, good will temper, ...hmm, it is also saying "one of 4 fluids of the body (blood, phlegm, choler, melancholy)"

Now the last part of that definition is making some sense in the "intelligence of my body"...that "humor" is a "code" word, meaning, I can't put "humor" in the truck of a car...so it is something that moves through the body...hmm...

Humor can mean many things to me. Humor can mean an exchange between me and another person or people, that at that moment, my body is experiencing lots of flow, and in that moment an expression of "fun" "excitement" "joy" permeates and everyone "breaks out into laughter".

Or, recently an example that I realized I was experiencing "no humor" at the time, a email came, and I realized in that moment how "ridiculous" I was thinking in my own world...yes, I was allowing myself to have that "stinkin' thinkin'" and what someone said in the email, I realized the "humor" for myself, and a huge surge of "humor" filled my body, allowing flow throughout my body, and I sat at the computer and laughed for quite sometime, allowing it to just flow...

Humor in my world is not about "making fun of...in spite of someone" nor is it, "humorous because it is an easy way to bring down a "heated" situation" they were strategies I used in my past to feel "more of myself" because in those days, I didn't know who I was, and so I was external in my thinking...humor, in my world is the experience I have purely and simply the "flowing" through my body because it makes sense in my body to do so...now, I am sure I have lost you...or have I?

Another connection of thought I been having this week is..."lighten up". How do I "lighten up" when I am in a state of flow, and I am going to say, "stinkin' thinkin'" flow?

This is good, because as I write this, this is not always easy for me, when I am in this state...yet what I realize right now, is, one is of the intelligence of the body "lighten up", and the other thought is of the intelligence of the brain, "stinkin' thinkin'".

I am going to go into that "sinkin' thinkin'"....why can I not allow myself to move this "information" in my body? After all, it is just information wanting to move? I have given it a label and put myself into a small box, isolated myself for a few days, and felt alone. There is intelligence in that behavior for me.

Man, I am way beyond that, yet, in this moment, thinking of this differently. Or, have I allowed it to flow, and not relaxing into the full measure of what it has to offer me?

Either way, and including other possiblities A,B,C,X and Y, it is ALL just information wanting to move. Yes, in my world another layer wanting to reveling itself, for me to know more about the real "ME' and not about the culturally conditioned me.

Now, that I have allowed that "sinkin' thinkin'" to move this week, I am much clearer this morning. I don't really know what it is all about....and if I don't, I not going to spend time figuring it out in my head. It just "is" and now I move on.

So today, and all this week, I continued to PAUSE...and then in that moment, choose something that "lighten" me...something that "interest me" to do...and I walked away from some things that were having to be done, as I felt a "heaviness" and then I found myself coming back to them when I was "lighter".

I am finding it interesting that "flow" is in my awareness...I know creating and holding, Space... giving permission for my clients to allow and invite Movement and Flow is very scared to me...and now, it is what I do best, that allows my clients to get results for themselves.

Am I any different at the end of this blog? I don't know? Yet, what I do know is more awareness of when I experience "heavy" and when i am "light"...I wonder if there is a correlation with me, about my body size? It doesn't matter to me what size I have been or am - what I do notice is not the number on the scale yet how I am experiencing "heavy" and how I am experiencing "light"...

I am going to stop there as this is turning into a new blog and I have lots to do today ---checking in with myself...in a much "lighter" ME!!!!

Fire - Am I Okay WITH THE Huge Intensity I HAVE?

2009-02-09T04:53:00.000-08:00

These past months I have been experiencing thirst, hunger, right shoulder pain and back pain. Something last night and this morning has brought awareness...I don't know why, and I don't how, and I don't know what...

I am going to "rumble" (thanks Sandy) because I do believe it comes from the deepest core of me. I know that I stand right here right now, and look out into my future. I am grateful for my past to present to me, swirls around to me in my front, my awareness, and then at choice point, I either metabolize the information for me to know more about mySELF, or I choice not to metabolize information. Life for me is as simple as that.

Now, what I haven't been not paying attention to is this huge thirst I have. Not as much hunger but thirst. I seem to be out and can't wait until I am at the next stop to drink water...Cold water seems to quench the thirst.

Now the big awareness I did get in these past 24 hours is that I am damping my huge fire I have going through my body. No, I not there anymore of not allowing fire to go through me. I am becoming aware that I am choosing not to let this ignite to its fullest potential. Am I scared of the hugeness of it?

Something that is really coming up for me is that, how do I know, if I have never experienced this?

For my shoulder to have lots of pain, and I must say that has been going on for over a month - and on the right side...what is it? what belief/s, value/s, or attitude/s that I am holding onto?, that I am even unaware of...and do I need to know?, and just be okay with allowing these to move right now as I am blogging.

Maybe this is all it is, just be aware of asking myself when I am "thirsty" for that next glass of cold water...ask myself, isn't that interesting... do I want that glass of water, or, do I want something else that I am not paying attention to?

It never is a struggle for me, and only if I make it a struggle!

Trust-your-self!

Owning It All, Beyond The Intelligence of the Brain

2009-02-02T04:39:00.000-08:00

Here I am. Here I am in this beautiful space that I have created. Here I am in this "home" that I am happy and joyful, glancing out each and every window...and in awe of the views I have.

Each window offers me something different, one window looks over the ravine, this morning, I looked down at the footprints in the snow of some welcomed animal. Another view of looking high into the sky and watching the clouds move to all it's glory. I am fascinated by watching the stars, and some evenings knowing they are still there, yet, clouded over. And watching the moon as it changes night after night as I ponder in awe.

This is the sunniest house I have ever lived in streaming gorgeous bright light into every window. Another view of overlooking the crescent, a view that reminds me of the different times I lived and traveled in Great Britain. The rolling hills, the marshland and the Ottawa River that I have a sense that I belong, yet I have lots of space for myself to be "free".

I pause...this is a metaphor for how I choose to live my life! I am excited! My son shared with me he wrote in a card a year ago, "May you continue to chase your dreams, and get er done". I must say now I understand that for me, I am experiencing my dreams, that I have dreamed all my life, and now I am choosing me which I haven't done most of my life, and making a difference in other people's lives.

Wondering in and out of many thoughts...And a view of looking within the crescent I live on, connecting with the people that are around me, knowing that they too are in awe of the place they have chosen to call "home". This is the beginning of relaxing into...a life that I have chosen!!!

I have created all of this, owning this...I have chosen ME!

To be in front of this computer, writing, and feeling the light flash in my body knowing that I have created something wonderful for myself, my husband and for my son to visit and be part of.
How cool is that for me?

How excited I am, and funny how I am letting go of "being okay that I don't have words" for the intensity I am experiencing in my body right now. After all, I was told recently that I am the "Queen" of allowing myself to rumble, allowing the full "wave" in my body to move in the presence of many, and just "letting go" relaxing into the intelligence that my body has to offer me. It is that simple, if we didn't know anything else, and only knew to breathe - and get out of the way of our brain intelligence. Life would be effortless for all of us - and cooler stuff we could engage in!

Yesterday I spent the day arranging my office. I paused for quite a while and looked at...I have never allowed myself to honor and claim the successes that I have joyfully experienced (no, it was not always easy for me, yet, right now, I share with you, what is so meaningful for me to share in this moment...TA DA!!!

I look first at the "success" and the process that allowed me to grow into who I am today, and who I am becoming - the REAL ME and not the Culturally Conditioned me:

As I open up this beautiful blue envelope I witness my own evolution and growth I have experienced these past two years:

The first certificate states that I have completed 120 hours of WEL-Systems study and experience as a WEL-Systems Facilitator, the certificate delivered to me on April 20, 2007.

The second certificate acknowledges that I have completed requirements exceeding 150 hours of WEL-Systems study and experience as a Quantum TLC(TM) Facilitator granted on July 13, 2007.

The third award for me acknowledges that I have completed requirements exceeding 120 hours of WEL-Systems study and experience as a WEL-Systems Master Facilitator granted on July 22, 2007

What comes out of my mouth right now, is that then I got my life back and Let Go...

How I am claiming this for myself, is to frame each of these, and put them up on my wall in this office for me to see. And of course, I can change when it pulls me, to put up on a wall for other's to see. I know I come from a early family system that "education" "awards" "successes" were valued yet we must never ("boost") speak up about successes.

Now, this next sucess I want to speak up and out, and own, is very powerful and potent for me, My CODE Model Coach(TM) "designation". This is a way I live my life. I am ever changing, moment to next moment. At first it was choosing myself, (it has not always been easy), then from there I was willing and able to make a difference in my son's life, and my husband's life, and then made a difference in family member's lives who choose/choosing to find a different way that expands, living fully and meaningful lives to move through and I offer just that to them and many more people who are coming into my life.

Now, my space is extending out to clients that are finding that choosing them self first, means something very different then the notion that they were culturally conditioned to believe. The word "Selfish" usually in my experience, shatters the body, and a nice place to have a conversation. In this past month, a success I am owning is that I have changed and expanded nine people's lives. I make a difference in my own life, and lives of people that come into my life.

This is interesting for me...I have never really owned the space I created for myself to "rumble" in my own growth. Yes, I was one of those late bloomers that wanted and desired to go to university when I was in my late 30's. I loved spending time in the library and just researching other people's opinions. It was blissful to me, and the other stuff that was required of me, sometimes, not so wonderful.

My success in my late 30's and something I am owning for the first time is...I went through a process, met the requirements of both degrees I engaged in, and in my body right now, own it all - the not so happy stuff and the wonderful stuff that I experienced.

I do have an undergraduate degree in Canadian Studies (meaning that I was able to take from any discipline any course, providing that the content was at least 60% Canadian content along with core course that were required to meet the degree's requirement). I was able to study in courses that lite me up, I studied Black African Canadians, Aboriginals, Women Studies, How many culturally groups came to Canada, new Canadians, oh man the list goes on...I loved learning about it all!

Then, I wanted to do my Master's in Education Physiology and was "told" that I needed to do my Bachelor of Education first. (wow, talk about being out of alignment) I persevered for a two year program and at the end of the process received my Bachelor of Education degree. (These past few sentences I have gone out of the intelligence of my body right into the intelligence of the brain). Yuck!!!! And I am getting a "hit" that there was intelligence in my body then, for how my life has transformed into my NOW (oh, boy I am happy with quantum leaps as opposed to incremental changes and relish in that I took a path that has brought me to this body of knowlege).

So I have owned and spoke up and out about my successes. That is how easy my life is now. I don't have to have big drama, nor huge "this pisses me off" moments that i often keep to myself - it is not to say that I can have "annoying" moments still or I press up against something for me to learn more of myself. I just know that the "whole" of all my experiences has lead me to where I am right now. I have created it all!!!

I have this card that I picked up a few weeks back, it reads:

Walk slowly. Don't rush. Each STEP brings you to the best moment of your life, the present moment. Thieh Nhat Hanh

For me, it resonates because it was in the "moment of Pause" that I took to even see a gleamer of something different for myself. Yes, in my world, quantum leaps happen, when I pay attention to the "Don't Rush" and living in the NOW!

Trust yourself

Where does Manifesting happen for ME?

2009-01-20T14:29:00.000-08:00

Wow, it has been awhile since I last blogged. Right now, I have this feeling of just "be". My husband is "off" with his new job. My son just phoned last night to say that his application is going to Washington and when his application is passed from there, he will be studying in Finland next year...and I, I am just "being" today...

I am waiting for a call to come through at this moment...and I know it will be engaging...it is meaningful and yet, the silence I am experiencing right now...is "still"...
"BEING", "STILL" - finding that still point, zero point...

I am liking just "hanging" today, just "being" - and believe me, certainly these past few months I have not even had the time to stop...

"Stop" hmm,

Do I allow myself to just have a moment for myself? Better yet, do I allow myself to have a day for myself? Do I allow myself to "fully" have a wave, no matter where I am, or who I am with? Do I allow or even give myself permission to STOP, BE Still?

Today, from my left eye I could hardly see out of...what pressure have or what pressure am I putting on (and it could be about not allowing myself to just "Stop" and just "BE" wallowing in "nothing" today).

I am going to ask myself the question differently...it's okay to "Stop", "Be Still" and find that "Still point" because at those points, manifesting happens...my body already feels "lifted" and that feeling of wanting to "sleep" once again today has also "lifted"...no, it is not bad, good, right, or wrong...I am an advocate of a nap in the middle of the afternoon, especially now that I have amazing sunshine that comes thur my windows!...it is an awareness of allowing myself to "just take" an opportunity for myself to just find a "still point" for myself - and know that too is amazing place to be, because that too, is where "manifesting" happens for me!

Whether it be a 5 min "Stop" or and all day "Still" - I lavish and delight in it all!!!

This is a very different place for me to stand...trust yourself

Thinking about "New Year's Resoultions" Differently

2008-12-30T15:51:00.000-08:00

Here it is December 30th, 2008. I know that I stand in such a strong safe place for and within myself and there is more potential for me to touch in 2009! How exciting for me!!!

This past month has been nothing short of amazing for me. Through all the weather that we have been experiencing I moved from our rented home to our new home, effortlessly. Five days of moving all our little stuff and then on the fifth day we had movers move our big stuff. Yes we were experiencing extremely cold temperatures, ice condition storms, snow, rain; not to mention a bus strike that has been going on for the past 21 days - with that, apparently 20 % more cars are on the road. It made no difference to me that that was going on. And I must say, I was unstoppable, everything was just fine because I said so. Actually to let you know the truth, metaphorically, it was a time of letting go as well as, being excited about my new life - the new life I am choosing and choose to have!!!

Also, my husband and I drove down to the Niagara Peninsula to spend time with my side of the family and to pick up our son. During that time the weather was either slushy conditions or rain and gusty winds. We were just fine. Actually our drive back on the 26th was clear sailing and we got back to Ottawa in record time for us.

I don't say anymore that "I survived" and now have changed my thinking to "my word is law in my world" - meaning, that with intention, I know that I am safe, because I say so.

Tonight I am sitting in my new home. My husband and son are out and I am "claiming" and "owning" what I have created for myself. Wow, recently a new car that has given me unbelievable mobility to my life. A new home where I have a sense of being home.

Actually for the first time, of any homes I have lived in...in this home, every window in my home has a view of nature and awe. This afternoon reading a book on my bed I looked out the window and to my delight saw a hawk or eagle fly high over the tops of the trees. Tonight looking out my living room window I saw the moon in all its glory.

I almost can't stay put as I am so excited to venture on with what is meaningful to me. I don't have to think of any "resolutions" at this time of year anymore, I just will "live" my truth each moment.

I had a conversation today with a brother that is close to me in age and spirit. The conversation came up about "my diabetes" and I said to him, I no longer have "diabetes". He is elated with joy and shared and knows in his own body that this is possible if we choose. What a wonderful place for him to stand right now, even though he doesn't understand how that is possible for me. What he does understand is that we had a sister that died of cancer and for me to be "free" of my "disease" that means the world to him.

I talked about the "different" ways I am choosing to move through my world. For example, I don't struggle with thinking about exercising anymore. Walking my dog daily for an hour has become something that brings lots of joy to me. In fact, I talked about this is a "priority" to me and I do this no matter what goes on in my day. If that means I do it at 6 o'clock in the morning or 8 o'clock at night and usually the best time for me is during the day, I enjoy the time. And this is MY time!!! Very different then feeling obliged to exercise.

This is the first Christmas that I didn't experience "depression". Wow, how can that be ever since I was a teenager I was always depressed at this time of year.

During the time I was on "insulin" I became interested in food that would benefit and nourish my body and most importantly, the food had to be something I enjoy eating. Totally different then counting calories. I don't worry about "extra" calories in a recipe. And no that if I am satisfied eating whatever, then no extra pounds will go on. Pure and simple thinking. I don't even have the thinking anymore of "denial" - if I feel like it, a coke once in awhile, chocolate bars or whatever I fancy, I eat or drink with no attachment of "guilt". In fact, I was telling my brother that if I choose to go and have a sweet at a coffee shop there are no more guilt feelings in the morning. I have freed myself from that thinking.

Now, what I do pay attention to is when I am thirsty or hungry, I ask myself much different questions.

If you would like to experience a "different" way of thinking about "diets", "weight" or "health" and are exhausted of doing the insanity thing - doing the same things over and over again, and expecting different results. And in the next few days those New Year's Resolutions are expressed only to make you feel like a failure in the next couple of weeks...Don't hesitate to contact me at trust-your-self@rogers.com

Trust yourself

Lots tp look forward to in 2009 and how I am shaping the world!!! Trust yourself...

2008-12-21T23:15:00.000-08:00

It is early morning, and the last time that I am in this home, as the movers are moving our big "stuff" this morning to our new home. As I was writing the charge with the word "time" is making sense to me. Don't know why, and I now that it has a "truth" for me.

I'm excited about the potential of my new path. There is a sense, when I am quietly by myself working in the new home, that something new is emerging. I don't know what it is, or how it will expand, yet know that as I am living each moment, the next is just as exciting...

I just sit here in awe!!!

What is going through my mind is, I am living a meaningful life from a life that became so punning not too long ago...then the potential of other women that are up for this kind of transformation is so grand and believable...because I know that it is possible to live differently without the anks I use to have that "waited me down"; other women can too have more in their own lives.

I think about the stage I am at with the move from one house to our new home. My brother in law phoned the other night and he joked about...ah winter storm, bus strike, Christmas, could all be "stress" factors yet he said, "you guys are up for it"...

funny how, in all the confusion of what is happening outside of me, I am calm. In fact I am not even aware concerned about the external stuff...Driving in the snow storm, back and forth to the houses, I am completely calm and enjoying the space, music and the beginnings of something new and potent...

I am going to head back to bed with one more thing I want to share...

My husband and I were taking a break at our new home...we were in the front foyer and I decided to put on a Wax Jacket that I bought years ago in England and could never wear. Well, imagine my delight when I zippered up the coat. This is a amazing metaphor for me...

Lots to look forward to in 2009 of how I am shaping the world!!!

trust yourself

An Intention - My Word is Law in my Universe

2008-12-12T06:17:00.000-08:00

I am declaring that the Movers are coming to move us on the 19th of December, 2008. And we have the next two day, the 20th and 21st, December, 2008 to move out of this rented house and move into our new home, effortlessly. Just to make the intention clear and direct. No more "goals" and Yahoo "intentions"!!!

I Know My WORD is LAW in my world!!!

2008-12-12T04:46:00.000-08:00

I know my WORD is LAW in my world. A notion that was presented to me during Sheila Winter-Wallace's last "Decloaking and Living Authentically" program. A program that has propelled me further into who I am capable of being and who I am choosing to be "Authentically" beyond culturally conditioned notions of who I thought I was. I am so excited about the potential I see for myself that this is my next focus and that means, I am stepping up to my own life and announcing that I will be engaging in my own programs of "Decloaking and Living Authentically". Stay tune for when they will be running in the program room at the WEL-Systems Institute in Kanata, Ontario. They will be offered shortly in the new year of 2009!

For myself, I want to sit right here and let myself know of how my "WORD is LAW in my world". As I know, there is never content in content. WOW, I am only talking about the other night and this is how fast I have manifested this incredible meaning and joy for me - then that vibrates out into my world. I had written out an intention during Sheila's program a couple of weeks ago. At that time, things seemed impossible for me to sit around my brother's dinner room table Christmas day with my husband, son and extended family enjoying a meaningful, fun and joyous time together.

Since I have manifested a good reliable car in November to drive, that brought on something different for me. That brought expansion in my world, a sense of wanting/desiring to be with my side of my family for Christmas dinner. What my "problem" or "huddle" was to kennel our dog for the Christmas period. Those times are booked well in advance and the kennel said to me that bookings are usually done by Thanksgiving for Christmas.

So I put out this "huge" intention and wrote it down, read it to a few people that I share huge meaning and joy of life with them.

Fast forward...The other day I was thinking to myself that since I hadn't heard from the kennel, and I did try other kennels in the Ottawa area, that I would stay here in Ottawa. My husband would then drive down to the Niagara Peninsula to pick up my son and then for them to drive back before Christmas. My son wants to work as many hours at the grocery store he is working at to make some much needed money for himself.

I must add, my sister-in-law suggested that she would look for a kennel in the Hamilton area. I replied back, and at the first of the email I said. "great suggestion" and by the time I was finished writing I said, "no". (My word is law in my world)

Well, that night I got a phone call from the owner of the Kennel. He said he had space in the kennel for Rugby. I proclaimed to him that this was an amazing gift for me to receive and that it allows me to be with my family for Christmas day dinner. Now, I do want to let you know that I am experiencing this time of the year differently. The last two years I have chosen to "just be away" because I no longer could do the same old habitual beat me up, feel depressed, take a deep breathe the 1st of December and the next breathe on Jan 2nd...I am totally re creating my own experience, a whole new way, on how i want/desire to CELEBRATE, for it to be meaningful to me! How cool is that?

Two years ago it was useful for me to completely disengage with my family. I no longer could even entertain that pattern. I choice to create a new reality. How do I make it meaningful, joyous, fun for me. I am so looking forward to the "meaningful" time with whoever shows up on the 25th of December, 2008!!!

Okay, now I have this move and many things to do before it all happens, to spend time where I want to. You know what, it was like dominoes, ever thing else unfolded quickly and exactly how I intended it to. My builder has us moving in on the 18th of December and this move will be effortless, the lawyer is ready for us on the 18th and that is effortless, the movers will be coming in at 8:30 to move our big stuff and that is effortless, we will have those next two days to move our small stuff and china and that is effortless and meaningful to say goodbye to our neighbours. The house inspection of this rented home is on Monday, 22, morning at 10:00, effortless. Rugby will be in the kennel from the 18th to the 27th. Yahoo, he gets to "play" with his "friends" during "playtime" - a place that he "good tired" himself out. Our drive down on the 23rd on December, 2008, to the Niagara Peninsula is glorious sunny day with no snow or freezing rain and is a safe trip for my husband and I. In the Niagara Peninsula, my husband, son and myself will see people that we find meaning for ourselves and each of us will experience so much fun and joy for ourselves.
The drive back on the 26th of December 2008 is a glorious sunny day with no snow or freezing rain. A trip that we will all enjoy safely. (My word is law in my world)

Last night I went to Cotton Ginny's to buy some much needed pants. I have lost 5 lbs in the last two days. How did that happen? LOL What was amazing to me and almost unbelievable to me, is how I allowed and gave permission to myself for a sales person to help me find my "right" size in pants You know sometimes my mind can tell me one thing, and my body intelligence always tells me the truth. So, the long and short of what happened last night was nothing short of a miracle. I am now wearing size 15 jeans!!!! This summer I bought size 18...
Funny how, if that women did not help me find the right size of pants for me, I would of walked out of that store, which I had this fall and been "stuck" wearing my same 'Baggey" jeans.
I do stand tall on my own, yet, I don't have to do this alone!!!

So I am going to get ready as I am heading for a pedicure this morning. Yahoo, I am wearing size 15 jeans!!

Trust yourself ...keep breathing on the exhale

Do I Give MySElf Permission to "CELEBRATE" for mySElf?

2008-12-07T15:53:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I had an experience that indicated to me that I no longer can "hold back" what I will share with my world. I have way too much to share that has made a difference to my own life ...I had a conversation with a man that tends to be "sure" of himself yet as we proceeded his "assertive" tone in his voice became more "calm", "quiet", and listening to every word that I had to say. I was just talking and he was opening to new thought. The new thought was welcoming to him and he no longer wants to "do" what well meaning people offer him...you know, doing that insanity thing...to do the same things over and over again, and expecting different results.

It was a telephone conversation, and it was powerful to me. Powerful because I don't have to do anything yet talk and "be" the "real" me. He was so ready to hear something different because what he has endlessly try ed to do to change his life, isn't working. He is actually finding himself climbing that mountain harder and faster. I don't believe that he is the only one out there experiencing this. I believe many are out there and just don't know how to move in their world differently. I believe I have that to offer - a different way that is welcoming!!!

Sometimes I wonder if we "claim" the small things of our everyday life...what I mean by this is do I "claim" a celebration of achievement. Oh yes, I am quick to "celebrate" someone else's achievement, and do I become aware for myself to "celebrate" for myself?

The other morning I was wrapping my mother-in-law's Christmas gift. I really had a hard time with taping, having the gift box wrapped attractively with the Christmas paper, thinking to myself...when the gift is being opened does it "look" like it was meaningful to give and not wrapped just to wrap...right now my eyes are becoming irritated...

I must say that I am wondering, and this is only another layer presenting itself to me...how much do I "celebrate" for myself. This is not about judgment...nor is it positioned as good, bad, right or wrong...I wonder in the moment...right in the here and now, do I give myself permission to celebrate for mySelf?

Do I celebrate for mySelf? Now the questions I am going to be curious for mySelf over the next couple of weeks are.. what choices do I make for mySelf that take me away from my own celebration or towards a celebration for mySelf? Do I keep the dreams I have in my head and never act on them? Do I dare what I believe is "outrageous" and share with other people my hopes and dreams of what I want to do, do? Do I dare be bold and do it JUST FOR ME and invite who I want to invite and know it will be wonderful for me, and whoever comes, comes? What choices will I make that will expand my world or choices that I will make that will keep me in that "insanity" spiral? How important is it for me to "celebrate" what I want/need/desire to celebrate? In other words, do I step up and declare what I want/desire to celebrate for mySElf? Do I allow outside stuff to stop me from "celebrating" and owning what is important to me? My birthday is two days after Christmas. What I am aware of right now is how my mother noticed this to be something she needed to honor - and in my teens I always "celebrated" my bd on the half year. Somehow I "painfully" and something I choose that I made/make, and avoid anything that my husband and son do for me to "celebrate" my birthday. Wow, that is the truth, and something that is hard for me to admit. I am getting better of "receiving" from them yet it is something I am "challenged" of giving myself permission to "celebrate" for mySElf.

I have a lot to celebrate for mySelf. I have just received my CODE Model certification that has incredible meaning for me. How many people do I "celebrate" this with (lavish in the joy) and how many times to I just keep this to mySElf. So what is coming up for me is "am I claiming that this is an amazing journey that I have taken, and do I "own" it?
I just bought a new car. Am I "claiming" or "owning" this at a much higher level. This is expanding my world to move "freely" and with more "mobility"...am I speaking up and out...funny how, anytime someone has something that is exciting to share, it is always exciting for me, for them to share...hmm, I am curious why I don't "just take" a moment of sharing?

My new house is ready next week on the 18th...it is exciting for me...how much have I "just take" and share with people how meaningful and exciting it is for me!!!!

Lots of "new" is happening in my life right now...it is "YaHoo" to me and do I dare to share my excitment? and do I dare to "celebrate" for mySelf and with other's that I choice to share with? Which choice/s to "just take" and "Claim" this excitment for mySElf and to share with other's of my choice, to 'celebrate' what is important/meningful to me? .. hmm, do I stay stuck and not "Claim" this celebration/s for mySelf?

Breathing, and just paying attention to my breathe right now is good...

Trust yourSelf...

Wow More Awareness...even how "outrageous" my thinking seemed, I stayed with the intensity of my body response..

2008-12-05T11:32:00.000-08:00

This week has been "interesting". Oh yeah huge "chaos" in my world, and that is fine, and this week, I have been choosing each moment a wee bit different again. I could choose to "agree to disagree" and "control" my environment which typically meant for me to "lock down" what needed to be metabolized (just as you metabolize an apple, so too, we metabolize this information moving/or choose stopping the movement, or choose to go into the moment to see what "intelligence" there is for me to discover more of mySelf...

Oh man this is too funny for me...I always believed that when I was "right", I was "right" and that was "it". And nor am I saying to go mushy and collapse on myself/yourself. I am saying that I don't have to even live in the world of being "right" or "wrong" or "good" or "bad" anymore. I just live in this moment. I just pay attention to, is my body giving me an indication/signal/response that wants to process information or is "nothing" moving (I believe each moment information is in flow and we do choose to resist) and in the "nothingness" those are times I am "calm", "connected to Self", "just loving who I am". And too, the times of chaos, or revved up moments are meaningful to me as well, because that is when I have experienced transformation at quantum leaps. Those too, as I am writing are times I am connected to Self. These days, not judging my "imperfections" or chaining myself to the "idiosyncrasies" I have. Knowing that that is part of me too. Sometimes when I move away from an experience of "outrageous" or what I conceive or even am labelling "outrageous" it brings me into a new understanding of myself.

Two weeks ago I had a huge response in the body and my intelligent was saying, "how outrageous". I didn't know what it was all about yet I stayed with my body response. I even said to my husband that my behavior was outrageous to me, what was coming out of my mouth saying it to another person. As time past, it was meaningful for me to know that "even though it was outrageous what I was saying" I was not giving myself away, nor being loyal in spite of myself, yet staying with the truth in my own body - even though I didn't know what that was at the time...if I succumb to the offer, and it was a "being a nice girl" because they wanted to "save" for themselves. I wasn't gaining anything other then "chaos" and "I must be out of this rented home by this date"...what it would of meant is for me to live on some one's else schedule - as we move out of this rented house into our new house. WOW! That is truly profound for me. To not ebb and flow to my own matters yet to chop off one more part of me to accommodate someone else's wishes/desires.

And this is the hardest part for me to admit. My husband and I had many conversations that we need "space" to go to the lawyer's one day, to have the mover's come to move the big pieces of furniture another day, and for us to move the smaller stuff on 'slow time'. And why did I ever even create the opportunity for someone else to believe that they can come into my "space" for their benefit. Man, we have so much to do for our own move and accomodating someone else's wants.

My body is screaming right now...STOP! For me to stop allowing other's to take away what I just want to take for myself!!!!

I don't know if I am making any sense right now, and know that that last sentence is making sooo much sense to me in my body...

I do believe that being "nice" is far more wired into my body from culturally conditioning then I ever believe it was. And "it" even though how outrageous it seemed for me to behave like that, I was choosing for "it" to not run that same 'strategy" or "program" another time. No more, that strange is DONE.

Don't get me wrong, I am a very nice person, that is not what I am talking about. What I am talking about is being "nice" inspite of myself, being okay with "overextending of myself" because I am "nice"...being "nice" to accommodate someone else's schedule...

Wow, I am unsettled right now...and I am going to let this one "rumble" around in me, and see where it goes...

I am hearing echos of, "get your own buffet, and stop feeding off of mine!!!"

trust-your-self

My Life is Amazing and NO MORE "Deflecting" what is meaningful to me!!!

2008-11-29T02:13:00.000-08:00

DEFLECT..."Turn aside from straight course; (cause to) deviate (from)... (Oxford dictionary)

Wow, a strategy that I have been using all my life and not realizing that it was "me" that was always doing "it". Jeesh! I have arrived in the full magnificent of who I am and becoming and still giving little bits and parts of me away!!

I know that I am more this body I live in, and have always known that I am "HUGE" in this world. No, not about physical appearance yet more about the "intensity" and the ebb and flow that I enjoy "being" in my world. Huge laughter, quiet moments, enjoying time with other's that I feel great around because they are who they authentically are and becoming, and that allows me to expand deeper into who I am and becoming. These days, right now, I am able to find 'meaningful' experiences with people I love and no longer find time with them only out of "obligation" which I did most of my life. Yeah some people have "disappeared" and other's have come in clearer in my life. I am excited about the many new people that are and appearing on my holodeck. My life is amazing and NO MORE "Deflecting" what is meaningful to me!!!

This is another layer and it was so "invisible" to me almost like it was so "calm" in my body and able to live in my body that always had a pattern that was so "accessible" "automatic button" "so hard wired into the deep structure of my language, permeates in the tissue of each cell of my body... Which choices were I making and make to "deflect" something that was/is so meaningful to me?...oh, so in my body of knowing that yes, being excited and allowing more of this new moment to breathe into...and in that nanosecond I would "deflect" ---not knowing that I was giving away a part of me or even "deflecting"... Not even realizing that in that moment that I was choosing not to expand my life.

Now man, oh man, I am so up for living more and fuller, and my life is "new" to the direction that I want...yet, this "deflecting" is the more that allows me to not have as "HUGE" of potential as I am so up for.

Do I go into my past and make up many stories of why I "deflect"?

NO!!!

I stand right here and just relax into who I am and becoming ---this is information for me to metabolize - either I choose to metabolize or choice not to metabolize...

I just sit here at the computer with "amazement" that I have the choice in each moment to "deflect" or not "deflect"... wonderful that I have allowed myself to even get to the point that I notice now that I "deflect" or not "deflect". This "Deflection" is not good, bad, right or wrong yet when is it useful for me? Do I choose for mySelf first or do I choose to "nurture" everyone else?

Now, I believe "deflection" does work for me when I know I don't want something in my life - very effective...yet, it is in those moments that "I want" "I desire" my life to expand and out comes this strategy..I "deflect" ...and I not knowing what I had just done, or even realizing I had just done something that moves me away from the very thing I can have and is presenting strongly to me...I wonder why my life is not "expanding"...

I have been sneezing right now, this too is a sign of movement in flow...

"DEFLECTING" when am I willing, and when am I not willing to use this strategy? This is what I am going to be curious about and pay attention to for mySelf...

Trust-your-self

Releasing of the Shackles!!! NO MORE....you fill in the blanks.

2008-11-23T17:06:00.000-08:00

Today was a great day. I was among the gathering of "WOI" with Louise LeBrun. I don't know where to begin and know that it was HUGELY meaningful to me.

Tonight, I realized that I no longer have "pressure" behind my left eye. I have been experiencing this since the summer. Actually I blog during the summer about it. Today I witness the most incredible "declaration of emancipation" and may I add, have experienced this in my own life when I declared no more "diabetes".

And for me, not to forget the mind games I can play of coming close to wanting "freedom" or certainly knowing that "needing" freedom...movement never lies in the intellect

today this was a very direct and clear "Declaration of Emancipation" - it is done, and this is where I drawn the line in the sand.

I don't know if I actually heard someone say in the room, or in my own mind, that I could hear the "Releasing of the Shackles"!!!

From there I felt this intensity in my body, that truly is never welcomed, and man, it can out!!! Oh I am in a huge bellie laugh right now. Who made up the rules that if you are outrageous that needs to be "tamed"...oh man, that was too much fun today...who said that "life" has to be hard, push that river, do it faster, you'll never measure up to that...today I believe I stand in a different place looking at the Declaration of Evolution by Intention (TM) ; This is fun, exciting and adventurous: I don't have to do serious things, seriously. A suggestion, if this is sparking your attention, to read, Fully Alive Awakening Health, Humor, Compassion and Truth written by Louise LeBrun. www.WEL-Systems.com

Imagine, all I was doing was BEING me, huge movement/energy/flow occured...i need to say this for myself, all because I was "being" me, and tonight I have no more pressure behind my left eye. Go figure!!!

I am grateful for everyone who was in the program room today.

trust yourself - I am looking for some "playmates" that are up for huge fun and joy!!! LOL

"New" Growth

2008-11-22T06:11:00.000-08:00

The other day my hair dresser commented on how much "new growth" hair I have. He moved my hair around and it is amazing to me that most of my new growth is around the top and right across the top of my hair line, right in front for me to see. So in my "NEW" world, that to me is about being connected to "other's", "Self" and "Who Else"?

Right now, I am very aware for myself that I am "doing" a lot in my life that requires for me to stay connected at the physical level. My husband started a "new" job this week. I stay present to what is moving in me, with the change that is happening in our home. We just bought a brand "new" 2009 Honda civic. When I was driving the other day, I was putting something in the truck and when I close the truck I stepped back because for me, it read, "BEWS...059" How I read that for myself is, "BE Wise and then, my date of year when I was born". Don't know what that means to me, and I have a knowing in my body that resonates...

I wonder if that is about "who I am" in the world?

Our "new" house will be ready to move in around the 18th of December. At the physical level it is important to me and my husband to pay attention to many things about the house. Lots is "new" and funnily enough, "the end and beginning of something wonderful with our relationship/and to "money"... we are going to be in control of our own "flow of money" through the mortgage we have chosen.

I don't want to be here in front of this computer for much longer. I have an urgency to "move"...

This point in my life, I feel a sense of "freedom" - freedom from choices that I have made, and not someone else making those choices for me...isn't that the way most of us want it, and want other's to do?

This journey has not always been easy, and I know I am onto "new growth"...

To contact me, email at trust-your-self@rogers.com or leave a comment, if you choose...

I hear Louise LeBrun say, "just breathe"...lol

There is "Abundance" for all of us...what matters to me is how much am I willing to "take"?

2008-11-16T05:40:00.000-08:00

I am driving a brand new. 2009, RED, Honda Civic!!!!

What I noticed yesterday driving from the east side of Ottawa to the west. Is how I am moving in new "SPACE". What does that mean, finding a "new" way to move through my life. No, the way before up to this point was not good, bad, right or wrong...what this means for me is that I have so much "freedom" in a new car. There are no limits too worrying about if I will make my destination or recently as our only vehicle was breaking down on us, how safe was I feeling to go out my driveway?

I am "free" to go where ever I want to go, and know that everything is okay on my journey.

Wow, what a metaphor for how I am living my life, right now, in this moment..."I am 'free' to go where ever I want to go, and know that everything is okay on my journey".

Yesterday was also a first for me. I asked for "space" that was offered to me at the WEL-Systems Institute. What I did notice as I moved through that 'new' space is how I was taking baby steps of opening the WEL-Systems door, feeling and knowing that I am stepping into "new" space for myself to grow and expand for my own evolution. Instead of, and this has been happening all my life, waiting for other's to step before me...no, for me to be 'safe' in my own body, knowing that all is fine, even in my moments of chaos... and "movement" and "flow" happen now...yes, it has always happened, and I am aware now, of how I want my life to unfold...

As I walked into the office, there was no one to greet me...it was all about me, "taking" my "Space" - something that is vibrating is that there is "abundance" for all of us...what matters to me is how much am I willing to "take"?

I walked towards the program room, and saw the sign from Megan hanging on the door --what is that all about, and it made me feel a sense of "giggle"...

I unlocked the door and felt this sense of "accomplishment" when I opened the door. I sighed and turned on the lights and knew I am in the right place for me right in this moment.

Lots is coming into my life and it is "new". New house, and last night we drove to the new construction. The house will be much smaller then our house in Halifax yet the feeling I am getting is "uplifting". Is it more about "movement" for me, I have "loved" the time I have "invested" with my dog walking; these past two years have been extemelty meaningful for me, walking the streets of Ottawa under the umbrella of the trees...At my "new" home...The view of the nature, pathways, water, and it is all across the street; I feel a sense of "calm" to be surrounded by all of this...and to be in living on a crescent that not much traffic will come into this area in the subdivision...

No longer do I want to be "alone" yet to walk beside women who also want to "take" what is meaningful to each of them...

Tomorrow my husband starts a "new'" job. The contract is for more than 5 years and he has been offered more opportunity and more money. I guess because he is on my 'Holodeck' that I have made a difference in his life...

Life is truly great for me, the next breathe I "take" only expands my life...if it makes sense to you, leave me a comment if you want to, about what was "moving' through you by reading this blog..

trust yourself

Giving mySELF "Space"...

2008-11-09T07:12:00.001-08:00

These past several weeks have been moving so fast that I can't believe I haven't blog for over a month. What is coming up for me is that I have been receiving huge metaphors in my life and it is all about giving myself "Space". Giving myself "Space"...

I am very aware that many things that would trigger me before are no longer there. I am coming closer to who I really am, and you no what, I am calm and joyful of re-connecting with mySELF. The SELF I knew so many years ago that I am just "great" "just fine of who I am" "I am the best person to be me". I believe, all of us know the same. Wow, huge rush of fire energy is coming to the right side of my body, in front, near my eye.

It is no coincidence that I received my new eye glasses just this week. It is the beginning of something that I truly and clearly can see, right out in front of me. No, it is not about throwing the "baby out with the bath water"; it has been all meaningful for me. Some of what I am creating is not so good for where I want to envision myself, and yes, I can choose right now, to steer my bus to the direction I want to go towards. And, the experiences I had this summer that I created for myself have shown me that I no longer need to carry that "load" inside myself anymore. I no longer will pay attention to the "collusion" that I believe, women do very well, taught from an early age, and I believe all of us, want to "free" oneSelf from that tangled web. What is coming up for me, is "it is none of my business what other's think of me". "Collusion" in my life is DONE!!!

Lately I have been aware that I have an unquenchable thirst and hunger. No, I am just fine - I think of this differently in my life. I bring this right up to the different choices I am making that will expand my life and have quantum leaps of propelling me into who I really am and becoming. How exciting is that for me?!

This February 2008 at EF:EW (a WEL-Systems intensive course, a huge quantum leap propelled me to a place that I thought would never been possible for me, to be, even in my lifetime - I truly believed that I could never be "freed" of my own stuff that I continued to play the "insanity game": doing the same things over and over again, and expecting different results.
I was being "sucked"into a funnel that was gaining more and more momentum moving faster and faster downward to a "black hole".

Right now, I am so grateful that I "quantum leaped" myself out of that funnel, with my feet secure and stable, and I feel safe in my body. Do I know where my next step will be? No, yet what I am sure about is that it will be "uplifting" for me.

Last night, I created something that has been in the long time planning (I would say that has been a "intellectual" response, and something happened last night and I believe was a "body intelligent response" - actually, over a year I have wanted a "dependable" car. Even though this is awakening me on a physical level it is bringing so much more to me. I know that my "business" will expand because I have no limits of driving now. I will just jump in the car and go now. My husband was just here at the computer and said, "let's go and visit his brother in Montreal for a day". My world is growing bigger.

This has been useful for me to blog today. How I can overtime slowly move away from the "intelligence in my body" to the "intelligence of my brain"...

I guess the thing that comes to mind for me, is that, by giving myself SPACE it allows me to listen to my own SELF. Another thing that is coming up for me, is that it doesn't have to take a lot of time to manifest what I really want for mySELF...

I am looking forward to driving in the fast lane of the 417! Man oh man, I just "giggle" with excitement when I think of myself in a new RED car!

trust yourself

May Sound Weird yet I know I am the Godforce expressing in physical form

2008-10-18T04:34:00.000-07:00

This is a wonderful "quiet", "still" approaching morning. I am loving the hum of the emerging day and the excitement of what the day brings. This is actually grounding me and allowing me to come back into my body. Sounds weird eh?

Yet this is true for me. I really had a week that was more about my "past ways" then about standing right here and now and washing over me, the full potential of who I am becoming.

Tears are coming right now. How does it happen?I understand fully that there is a new way to move in my world...and this week I allowed myself to buy into my past, my old stories of who I believed I was, who I was culturally conditioned to believe who I was. Funny how I am not even talking about "how I use to beat myself up".

NOOO!!! It is something different. It is about how I know that I am "Strong in my Core", "Sure of Who I AM", and that is what is not accepted in our society.

In a few collectives this week, I am looked at as, as one person said, "aggressive", "they don't want to even chat with me because there is no reason to", funny how I am not allowed to express this "fire energy" - NOOOO, I don't harm anyone, I keep that energy to myself, stay present to myself, allow it to move in my body, no more do I shut it down, and no more do I hide it and hope that I can re-visit it again. I stay present to myself, speak my truth and let the information move, my body stabilizes and I get to know more about me. This is the new way I move through my life.

OH yeah, also, people will make judgements, if when I am "crying" and one comment this week is that I am "sensitive". Hell no, not for me, this is just information moving that probably has been locked down for years. I am not "sensitive" and I moving in my world very differently. Something that comes to mind for me, "it is none of my business what others think of me".

Something that I have never been taught is that I am the Godforce expressing in physical form. Oh man, how different that is from GOD is over there watching me. There is no right or wrong, good or bad about this yet it has created a lot of "guilt" and "shame" for me. I have to ask myself, how useful is that?

This week I lost mySELF. This week I continually heard myself say, "wow, that's monkey mind". What I mean by that, is that is not what I am believing, yet, what that "collective" values and holds as truth.

Today, I am going to "relax" into Who I am Becoming. Man, that just brings a smile on my face...

Trust yourself

OH yeah, I am going to breath down to the base of my spine - I question if that was happening last week...LOL

Feeling "obliged'' - and how am I moving past that?

2008-10-15T06:44:00.000-07:00

I was amazed this past weekend of how I move through Thanksgiving Weekend...

I wanted and went down to the Niagara Peninsula to be with my son and also extended family. These days I live with giving myself many possibilities of choice. I no longer allow myself to have that "small" thinking that use to leave me feeling suffocated in my own existence.

I put out an email to my extended family letting them know that my husband and I are coming for the Thanksgiving Weekend. I made it clear in the email that I am not looking for someone to feel "obligated" to let us stay with them. Yet, I am looking for a new way that opens up my world and possibly theirs. In the email, I declared that I am interested in getting to know your family more, and for you to get to know my more. In the next half hour I received an email with an invitation from my sister-in-law and brother. Manifesting happens all the time, a good indication, maybe not always, yet manifesting usually happens fast for me.

No matter what is going on in their world/body I am very clear that I stay present to my own truth. I didn't have any "obliged" nor "guilt" spending time with them this weekend. So this is about me...it is clear that I can extend mySelf out, no longer need to think I need to be alone, and have a welcoming, enjoyable, meaningful time - when other people choose their truth as well.

I and many of the family enjoyed the time together. I was clear that i talked to "WHO" i wanted to talk to. Laughed with "WHO" I wanted to laugh with. Had meaningful talk with "WHO" i wanted to talk with. Very different then before, 'cause I use to be in the mind set of feeling so "obligated" to make everyone feel comfortable, make everyone fit it, tend to every one's needs, not speak my truth in fear of people not "agreeing" with what I had to say...whew!!!

Well, I must say...even I am surprised at the response from many people and okay with other's that aren't interested in how I move through my world now. Even in my family, we know that we no longer can "pretend" to do the things out of "habit" that have been going on for years, all to the sake of "tradition".

What did come up is the conversation of "Exchanging Christmas gifts" among the adults. Now, this has been going on for years. I no longer see the "usefulness" of this anymore. Has it created "chaos", or YES. Have I been able to voice my truth...YES. Does this allow other's to voice theirs? Only if they say so...

On the way home from Ottawa our "alternator" was slowly going on us. The battery light was on and the battery needle was slowly losing power. We drove into the town of Manitock and pulled into a garage. How amazing is that...we didn't panic, it was getting dark so we didn't have our lights on, and I said out loud, "we are safe". The traffic was heavy and we did think about if the alternator was to totally lose power, then our truck would stop suddenly- so that is why we decided to go off into Hunt Club - funny how we ended up going straight into Manitock. There really are no coincidences. In my world, the alternator going on the truck has given me a metaphor of how I no longer am willing to live my life with my extended family. The chips will fall where they need to fall. I no longer have to believe that I am responsible or "obliged" to keep the engine running. We had the truck back within that next working day with a new alternator...everything I and my husband did was "effortless...

I am breathing a huge sigh out...

trust yourself

"Perfectionist" I don't have to be "perfect" at everything, anymore!

2008-10-09T10:17:00.000-07:00

Here I am experiencing many new things that fulfill me. People are clear that they "know" a difference in me. It is not even a "see a difference in me". It is a "they know a difference in me." The comment by someone this morning is that they see "joy" in my eyes; and he commented that was not there a year ago.

What I know true for myself is that I am "joyful" to be living in my skin. That had not been the case and I can say, "all my life".

Funny how I no longer look for a outward "praise" yet an inward marvel of "wow it's great to be me" experience/journey.

What is coming up strong for me is that word, "perfectionist". Why did I have to have such a control on my life that I needed to be "perfect" at everything. What was I protecting myself from if I had to be such a "perfectionist"? What was I stopping myself from doing/being?

It is making me feel sick writing down these words.

How many opportunities did I not want for myself because I wouldn't give myself permission to not get it the first time. How many experiences have I had in my life where I beat myself up because i didn't get it the first time. How many times would I judge myself and take away from the "whole" of me - to find less of myself.

Man, why couldn't I make it a lighter load for myself. I do love to laugh?

I no longer "control" my life.

What I do know, is, that I speak and voice what is true to me each moment. I may not always like the outcome yet I am starting to "appreciate" that when I listen to mySELF, it always takes me forward to where I want to go. No, I am not talking about anything "airy fairy" but the truth of me, and who I am potentially becoming expanding into the direction of a more meaningful manifesting for mySELF. I don't know if I am clear in writing yet this is vibrating hugely in my body.

So, when I want to do something and believe it is the best possible choice, And then I am taken to another path, I just trust, even though there is a lot of confusion...i stay present to mySELF.

These days I am experiencing a lot of "itching", "redness on the skin", and "sleepless nights"...not always easy and in my new world that I move in...makes sense and this is the "fire energy" that is propelling me into my emerging future!

trust yourself

How is it going, now that my "Adult Child" doesn't live with me anymore...

2008-10-07T04:30:00.000-07:00

Something that is "gone" out of my life...and I want to blog about this right now.

There is so much "fire energy" moving in me. This is not good, bad or not to be judged. It is something that I haven't allowed my self to move in this body of mine and I am experiencing lots lately. And clearly, this is all about me, for me to own, and not about anyone else, son, husband, family, no one else but for me!

I am moving away from my "adult child" from leaving in my home. And now, how wonderful for him as he is moving on in his own life, the way he chooses to do so.

He loves the magazine, "The Hockey News" and a subscription that my mother and one of my brother's give to him each year. I have been transferring the magazine subscription each move he has been making since we left Halifax two years ago.

Something has changed in me. This time when he went off to school I sent a email about the subscription to him. The email went like this, here is the 1-800 number to transfer the subscription to your new house. If you want me to phone this number for you I will, if you want to do this, then great.

That was it. I didn't mention nor prod nor re-visit if he had contacted "The Hockey News"
and it has been over a month, and no more "Hockey News" coming to my house.

This is so insightful for me. He doesn't need me as a "mother" because that relationship means that one person is mother and the other is child. He is all grown up now, an adult, willing to participate in his own journey. Sometimes, we, as parents, think we know what is best for our child. Never allowing them to listen to there own SELF.

Somehow, we also believe as parents is that they are going to "streamline" their way through this part of their life. Life is all about ebb and flow, and society judges the ones that want to ponder, get off for awhile, or choose to take a different path - yes, many times students have one or two credits to finish before they get there degree and decide to not finish. Or some decide to travel and the "family" insists that "they get something under their belt before they do this". And some decide that they want to stay at home and not move out. Each one is an individual on their own journey.

No, I believe that I am still active in my son's life and very different now. He and I need the friendship; as too my husband needs to be part of this "friendship". I know that life is very different now that my son had the choice to go to New Zealand this summer. It again, changed his life...CHOICE...what do you give yourself? Today, just allow yourself to think about the different choices that you "allow" yourself to have. And think about the choices you don't allow yourself to have. You may find yourself bumping up against something that you "habitually" do and believe it is something you are consciously choosing for you, and are you?

trust yourself
wow, a huge sigh has come out of my body....

How Many Times Do I NOT "Pamper" myself...no, just take time each day to "feel" the beauty that is in me....

2008-10-06T10:24:00.000-07:00

Lots is moving and I'm blogging...

Today, I had a "urge" to pamper myself.

I question...when was the last time I "pampered" myself?

This is not about beating myself up, yet, more about an awareness for me to check in with me.

Well, I had a pedicure on the 18th of August. How many other possibilities have I considered and have become "lost opportunities" for me, honouring me, giving myself permission to enjoy the moment...for ME!

And the hard thing for me to write out is, maybe all because of "money" as currency. My belief in "lack of money" and not about "investing in myself" and also, out of my awareness thought and...

OH Man, I don't want to admit that last thought....

Hmm, what does pampering mean to me?

At times it is about "investing" (thanks Amy McNaughton for that notion) in myself or at times, it is about walking my dog that doesn't take any commitments other than to get my running shoes on; walking always feels great, no matter what the weather is, right from the beginning of the walk, down my street with trees that line the street as a umbrella and I continue for more than an hour. AAH that is bringing a smile to my SELF.

This morning I had a amazing walk, and I mean AMAZING - because that is one thing I do that lights me up...and too, I had this desire to "pamper" myself.

Well, I looked into my bathroom cabinet and low and behold, there was skin care to do a facial/mask. How many times do I treat myself to something as simple as this, and as meaningful to me?

You know there is this sense in me that how many times do I not "pamper" myself.....no, just take time each day to "feel" the beauty that is in me. Okay, I still have an old belief from my teenage years that I didn't need make-up because I looked "natural". Lots there to open up, and expand on thought...So, because I still have that belief going into my fifties, at times, heavens to Betsy, I don't look my best for me...it certainly does make a difference if I do skin care, foundation and color. LOL

I do have a bit of 'confusion' around this...at times, I like to do nothing with color, and why do I not feel as beautiful? And the outside world, values, because that is when people speak up about my appearance, is when I wear make-up.

I know this is an age old talk in society...what matter's to me, is why don't I feel as "beautiful" when I don't wear make-up to when I do wear make-up?

I would love this blog to be interactive. I would love to hear what is coming up in your awareness about yourself...

trust yourself

ps.. I am listening to Louise LeBrun's CD right now, Pathways to Personal Power....interesting that it is giving me a lot of awareness, and her voice is clear in my own mind, meaning I am listening actively/receiving and the CD is not just playing...just a suggestion, and go into WEL-Systems Institute storefront if this CD is sparking your attention...
www.WEL-Systems.com

How I think about MONEY as ENERGY, and have been limiting myself and only thinking about MONEY AS CURRENCY.

2008-10-05T06:43:00.000-07:00

This week has been life altering. I am standing in the now and my emerging future that I want and desire for myself, is right here in front of me, and is my new reality!

I had an experience the other day that was so profound to me. I am "test diving" this new way I am moving through my world.

I am changing many things in my life right now, and one of them is getting new glasses. Yes, glasses that make me more visible - more bold and that are matching who I am...a DA, ME!!! How exciting is that for me to BE ME!!!

So let me talk about the eye examination. I have had lots of "fear" around going to the optometrist - it shows because I haven't had new glasses since over four years ago. Somehow, I knew that things weren't right and that I would have to reveal to myself that something was not working in my life. What a metaphor for how I was living my life!

I walked through the "fear" this week, which I must say I have been putting off, and another "test drive" experience that I don't live in the allopathic world anymore - yet, I do stand in this new paradigm and look over to see if any information that is offered that may be useful to me - I listen and then take action. So what do I mean by this, it was useful for me to have that eye examination even though I believe that it is another layer of information for me that is right out in front of my awareness. So let's go back to the eye examination...

What I found useful is that my health of my eyes are good. Also, what I did find useful is that I have "pressure" behind my left eye that the machine picked up by the assistant who did the first part of my examination. Once the optometrist thoroughly examined my eyes, he was concerned about the "pressure" in the back of the right eye. He asked me if I had any "trauma" to my right eye. My reply, "I am from a family of twelve, so who knows?"

Then he asked if I was on any medication. And my reply was, "no". What did resonate with me later when I got home was the two years that I was on "insulin". I wonder if that has had any effect on the health of my right eye?

At the end of the examination, he talked about how usually the machine will read higher and that from his examination he doesn't have any major concerns. He does want me to come back in a year to have another examination as signs of a '''cataract" are forming. He did comment on how unusual this is to be developing at my young.

Lots of information for me...not that I need to be in "fear" yet this is something useful for me to be more aware of. Pay attention to. So, I turn my thinking into not the "allopathic" way but I new thinking of, "Hmm, where am I experiencing 'pressure' in my life". This is not good, bad, right or wrong yet very useful information for me to ponder, find space to let it rumble in me...

I want to go back, this is not BAD and that I don't need to fear this information. Actually, I am finding it great information for me because it is allowing me to think about, "where do I need to be more awake?" "Where am I experiencing 'pressure' in my life?"

I am noticing that many things are amazing in my life and that I do have this "pressure" that I need to bring into my awareness.

Ah HA - quickly the answer has come to me - "How I think about money as energy, and how I have been limiting myself and think about money as only currency".

OH Man, do the lessons ever become harder and faster for me, layer after layer of not paying attention...

do you,
trust yourself?

breathing in is important right now for me...

Moving Different In This New Dance, Post, Empty Nester's

2008-10-02T12:45:00.000-07:00

I can't even begin to "reason" what is happening in my life. Things are coming to an end and at every turn there is another opportunity. The gym is closing on November 1, 2008. It has given me an amazing opportunity for me to know more of who I am and for me to "test my waters" of how I am moving through my new world now. Am I sad because the gym is closing, no, because so much is coming into my life that I am safe in my body; I have this sense of "excitement" "knowing" and "potential" that I am experiencing!

This morning I met up with a women that just had a "knowing" in her own body that it was meaningful for us to meet. I am having more and more of these experiences. Am I "puffy chest" about all this...No....yet awake and safe in my body to look out into my world. Maybe this has been happening over the past year but now is different. I am "humble" and "grateful" of my journey.

Last night my husband and I went out to a local person to sing. It is not about joining a "choir" which I am not interested in doing. There is no commitment and it is amazing to me, only because when I was in the moment, singing, I know I am "free"!

I don't have much more to say, for myself, and only offering you a suggestion of... are you doing things that light YOU up?

Or, are you doing things that you are engaging in, out of "obligation". As my husband and I move into this new phase of our life; it is meaningful to do things that both of us enjoy doing. Oh man, we are "masters" and have been for years, great at doing things that each of us like, separate, away from doing them together. No problem there! Ha! Ha!

Finding what is meaningful for me, and for my husband to find what is meaningful for him - and then we come together on those interests, is like going, "gently down the stream". A year ago, I was really "pushing that river" to make things work. No more, it unfolds exactly how it is meant to...that's FUN for ME!!!

trust yourself

THAT'S HOW I GOT MY LIFE BACK

2008-09-24T08:54:00.000-07:00

How does speaking your truth in a small gathering of women not end up being meaningful?

There is never content in content. That means, there is never any meaning for me, (yes, I am a person of deep compassion and love), in what clients are saying yet what matters to me is the "wave" that evokes in a person, triggers a body response, from the conversation you are having with self and others...and if you stay with "it" and not lock "it" down, "it" will free you. That's how I got my life back.

And yes, it all happened in "small gatherings of women in meaningful conversation - what matters to each one of them and me, allowing them and me to stay present to themselves and me, speaking their own truth and mine. Something else that I have experienced in these past few years is the "wave" can last even up to 36 to 48 hours. Just staying present to myself and owning "it" for my own evolution - not for someone else's, has been huge in how I live an amazing, uplifting life now...

As I am starting to have clients, I am aware that even though an experience of the "wave" happens- in my world, energy was able to move, through engaging in conversation, then you gain insight of something you never thought about before, or many other possibilities come into awareness. Imagine, I haven't even gone outside myself, and I have my own answers-continually, living moment to next moment...this is new for me, experiencing this way these past few years, and now how I move in my world.

The question I want to ask myself is, "why do we dismay/avoid that something has happened, information has been able to move...space, movement and flow, then forget that something different has happened and then turn away experiencing the same "insane" stuff we habitually do/be in our past, carrying into our future.

WHY????

Why don't we listen to our own bodies, know that we had some clarity from the movement and get on with our life in a different way, expanding our world and not paying attention to the "rhetoric" of what is outside ourselves, and the illusions of society and globally the chaos that the world wants to believe... man or man, that definition of "insanity" is about doing things over and over again, expecting different results".

At this point, "we" and I don't normally include the "we" need to stand up to our own lives because I believe that "things" are happening, quicker and faster, and there is so much fear....and I mean in our own backyard, here in Canada, not just over there in some other part of the world, that won't affect us....

Okay, what is this all about for me?

This past weekend was one of "bliss". Yes, I remember being in university and I had use the word "bliss" in a speech. The prof asked me, "what is bliss". I know now what that is in my body.
This past month unfolded not how I would of imagine it to unfold - now, that I can look at it in hindsight...

I was offered two opportunities that I know would of been potent for me in my world. I listened to my body, not my intellect and I didn't do either. This past weekend something else unfolded that had been planned since May. As a result, we didn't have our friends come celebrate with us my husband's "retirement" weekend.

My husband and I looked at each other and said, "let's go anyways". Well, I must say that it has been probably years since we took time for ourselves. Four fun-filled days with my husband! Also spent time with extended family and friends that matter to me. How amazing is that?!!!

Another thing that I find interesting is that we were in the same area as my son. We saw him shortly for his rugby game and then spent one dinner with him. I love him and I know that I can get on with my life...and he is enjoying his new life on his own.

On one evening my husband and I went to a family party and I spent time chatting with a brother that means a lot to me, also spent time with a brother that is living a meaningful life now away from alcohol - he looks 10 years younger and the happiness he exudes is nothing short of amazing.
Oh, to add, I chatted with a brother that loves to laugh - he shared a lot of knowledge about different comedians, actors, movies etc which i will be looking into. Because I love to laugh!!!

This happen all because I stood true to what was happening in my own body. No, not there, and yes, go over there. Imagine, I had an amazing time and didn't feel that yucky tired I use to feel at family parties. I am not advocating "families need to stick together" yet I am saying that when I am true to myself, my life gets more interesting.

One evening we spent time with my childhood friend. We had a wonderful meal with her mother, her mother's friend from England and my husband along with my childhood friend's husband. We laughed a lot, talked about what was meaningful to our own person and enjoyed great food!
Now, tell me, how much better can life get...I am so happy to breathe my next breathe, and yes, there is more...

trust your self

I had to opportunity to "CLAIM " and 'OWN' something inside of me, that I have always chosen to stop

2008-09-19T13:05:00.000-07:00

Something is very different and I experienced "it" over this past week. All my life I have stopped myself at that point of "flying"and this time went right into "it" - maybe, it is about how I valued myself every time I would "hit" a "peak" in my life -instead of staying in the "joy" and "confusion" of going into "it" - I would go around "it" and give up on myself?

NO MORE!!! I went right into "it" and my life has expanded! People are telling me there is something different about me...

This week I had the opportunity to "CLAIM" and "OWN" something inside of me, that i have always chosen to stop - I always would stop at this point and have a belief that I was capable but was I worthy?

Last Friday morning I had the pleasure of being with Louise LeBrun. Man, it was fun and life altering! I had asked her if I could do a CD in conversation with her on, "Empty Nester's...and Letting Go Of Adult Children". Just a side note: Watch for the later fall release, it will be available on www.WEL-Systems.com storefront and also on my web (I will be announcing the details of my web site next week)

By doing the CD it has taken me past a place where I have never ventured before. Yes, I have been though much in my life yet never to a point where i have a knowing in my body - that I am "Healthy, Happy, Beautiful AND WORTHY in my own being for ME!"

So let me explain more...this Monday morning I went to the chiropractor. I haven't been there since May, as they say at that office, "they never have to phone me because they know that I listen to my body, and I will know when to come in". The chiropractor was in "awe" of how healthy and happy I am. I asked him to be thorough with my appointment; meaning that I wanted him to adjust my arms/hands and legs/feet. He did testing and I am strong and full of vitality.

Next appointment I had this week was to get my hair cut. What an amazing experience that was. He cut my hair, when he was finished, out of my mouth came, "this is the first time, in years, that I have felt this beautiful". I wasn't looking for outside referencing, nor "yucky" stuff that we all can create. It was pure and simple for me, and only me. "I felt beautiful!"

The third appointment I had, I broke the back crown of one of my tooth so I headed to the dentist. When I sat in the chair they was something magical for me. I can't explain it, just a "knowing". The dentist and I had a wonderful conversation (as much as I can when my mouth is being work on Ha! Ha!). A knowing in my body and the conversation we were having, out came, "when I first moved here to Ottawa I put out an intention for people to come into my life, so I could heal". He just sat back in his chair...

All these experiences this week have shown me the deep passion i have for living my life. Not just going through the motions, or choosing to be ill...it is much more than words can describe right now!

I Love waking up in the morning and being ME! That has not always been the case over my life...

trust yourself

There is another way to move through my world, prescription free.

2008-09-16T10:51:00.000-07:00

I got a call - voice mail -not even from a 'real person' the other day, from the pharmacy letting me know that my prescription is now up for renewal. Wow, how can that be? I haven't taken insulin since last fall - I informed the pharmacist last fall that I was no longer taking insulin; at that time, i return all the unused insulin and supplies, and I was elated that my doctor had taken me off insulin. Funny how, the sense i got then, and I was bewildered, it seemed like it was an everyday occurrence that someone came off insulin?

There were no questions ask, no forms to fill out, and I walked away feeling a sense of "wow am I just another statistic in this big zest pool?" And, what gift I am, for them to let people know that there is another way to move though their world, without presciptions being filled.

What runs through my own mind is how "routine" and "mindless" this process is. NO, i am not judging, nor saying there is a right or wrong to this...i just sit with a "WOW".

When I went to the doctor two years ago, I was in constant contact with the doctor for the first year. From there I was given a year prescription of insulin and supplies. There is no judgement on this yet how "disconnect" i feel with this notion. How I am in a state of "wonderment". Next question that comes out of me is, "do I care about myself, and/or was it useful for me to have a year's prescription"?

Since I live in a holographic universe, I bring this back to me...was it a good thing, and did it serve me at the time to receive a year's prescription for insulin? What was going through me at that time?... and I no longer know - because that residual energy i was locking down then, is gone.

Today I returned the call, just to let them know that I am no longer needing to fill out my prescription and that they can take me off their list. I no longer have diabetes...and I sit with curiosity, the women replied to me, "I can't find you in my computer, it's bizarre".

After all, "it is all about me"!
I welcome your comments, feel free to leave them on this blog or contact me at:
trust-your-self@rogers.com

Do I Let Myself "Cry"?

2008-09-11T04:46:00.000-07:00

This morning I am feeling "tired". Not a lonesome, awful "tired" that I would of felt a year ago. Just a "tired" that doesn't feel like I can relax yet I want to do something that is different.

There is a bit of irritation to this feeling and I am going to stay right here...

One question that comes up from me, and something I had a conversation about, talking with another person yesterday, "do I let myself 'cry'"?

Do I let myself engage in the full potential of what wants to move through me, move? Do I stop it at any point of the process? Do I pass judgments or analyze what is moving through me? When it does move through me, and my body stabilizes, do I make excuses to my outside world so that I water-down my intensity? I don't have "drama" in my life anymore because it just didn't serve me, yet I do love "intensity" - do I let that huge energy out even though many people choose to have "puny lives including myself pre-WEL-Systems".

Do I wait until I am in a 'safe' place all by myself and then I repeat my "old habitual" ways of how I danced before pre-WEL-Systems; the "habitual voice" that use to convince me that it doesn't matter and just get on with your life, no, nice girls don't .....you can fill in the blank, and the "habitual voice" sounds on - to convince me, which spiral me into the "beat me up" attitude then I would believe I was less than...of myself...

A question came out of me yesterday that went like this, "how do we learn to "cry" if we have never been taught". Hmm, sounds pretty common sense, eh?

How in our own bodies do we feel 'safe' and know that we will be just fine, to cry? Not just a 'safe' environment but 'safe' in our own bodies? How do we even allow ourselves to "sob" and let sound out without any judgement - after all, in my new world view all it is "information" for me, to expand my world.

I am sitting here, very quiet at the keyboard, not knowing where the next "blip" will come from...the humming of the computer is soothing me - is that a familiar sound that made me feel "safe" or is that a sound that allows me to "distract" from my feeling of "tired" right now?

These past few days, I am feeling "tired"- my whole body "tired" - I am going into many exciting possibilities, and what are the things that I have to stay awake to, that are not serving me? After all, this "tired" has intelligence and alarming me to something about me.

I am asking the question for myself, "do I let myself cry?"

Trust Yourself

Trusting Myself for My Own Anwers

2008-09-07T06:29:00.000-07:00

I don't know where this thought is even going and somehow it is bringing a lot of curiosity up for me...

Yesterday, my husband was talking to one of his family members and what came out was, "do you think that Marie was mis-diagnosed of even having diabetes"?

Let me just sit here for a minute...i feel huge fire in my power chakra area - actually it seats higher, it is closer to my belief, value and attitude area. Yahoo, it is in the front, for me to see, and I am experiencing right now a lot of irritating itching - bursts of fire...

How many times in my life have I done something "incredible", "ordinary that became extraordinary", just following my "gut" and then turned away from my own Self. Okay, I need to be clearer on this for me, because it is ALL ABOUT ME - after all, I live in a holographic universe.

How many times in my life did I "downplay", "water things done", "not own my own huge potential and accomplishments", and many times even worse for me, "I allowed someone else to take all credit for what I have taken into action for myself", and the list goes on.

How did I lose myself at the age of 11 when I was to go onto the city to continue my swimming. After all, I was told by many that they could see me in the next Olympics.

How about when I was 40, and there were so much expectations to get into the Bachelor of Education degree program. I am going to write down the expectations because now that I think about them they are huge. There were 60 seats with 800 actual applications that fulfilled all the requirements. (Who knows how many more applied?). The grade point average for the undergraduate was high because of all the competition. Along with the many core courses that were required to have alongside of an undergraduate degree. Many hours of volunteer work - hell, that part was a given to me, because that is where I saw myself at the time, especially since I was so culturally conditioned as being a nurturer, mother, wife and MAN I Could Just SCREAM!!! Yes, the expectations were huge, and I now know, that it is more about intention then requirements. After saying that for myself, the expectations were huge to be accepted into this program. This is external referenced.

So where did I lose myself? NO, the more profound question that I will ask is, "why did/do I allow myself to pay attention to my external world, and listen to absolute "foolishness" and lessen who I am, and the potential of how huge a presence in the world I am for myself?" To own this for myself!!! I am not here to beat myself up, yet to relax into this thought and what is different for me it to no I have "choice" or "choices" now and I can change my mind without beating myself up or listening to other people's opinion.

So no, it is not about someone wondering if I even had diabetes in the first place. What I am listening to for myself, is that I allow others in the "pack thinking" to keep me from owning my own HUGE potential, aspirations, accomplishments, achievements. I believed in myself these past two years, even though at times it was chaotic. In the past six months I declared to myself that I do not have to go alone anymore. I welcome many like-minded people in my world. What is amazing to me is that I have been always that "lone dog" waited down, carrying the heavier load because I can. Not to punish me, but I just have this huge capacity - I wonder if that is why I am very capable of listening to very "tragic" situations - you know, the things most people don't want to know let along listen to from their spouses, siblings, relatives or even co-workers.... and stay present to myself.

No one will take away these past two years from me. They have been amazing, life altering, and gut wrenching at time, yes, I have stayed present to myself (that requires a lot of work) - I have a shift in thinking - and I no why "diabetes" has served me - there was huge intelligence for me to have "diabetes".

Something that is wonderful for me to see in my blogs is that "fire energy". That type of breathe is something for years I would not allow myself to go near. Not these days. I don't have to "argue" with everyone yet what is important to me is when this "fire" moves, I need to let it move, keep my mouth closed and breathe. When this moves, my life gets bigger. Imagine that?

If you are in the Ottawa area, and are looking for more compelling meaningful conversations for yourself, I am having "Conversation with Marie" on the 27th of September, 2008 from 10 am to 1 pm. The cost will be $20 and there is limited seating. Confirm by the 22 of Sept. by emailing me at trust-your-self@rogers.com

Trust yourself - I am starting to get use to this "fire" moving...I must say, it's a Yahoo!

"Empty Nester"+"Nothingness"+"Creativity...Who Would Of Ever Guessed? It really is that simple...

2008-09-05T11:37:00.000-07:00

Life unfolds exactly as it is meant to...those words are comforting at times, along with frustration, anger, and as well, the knowing that it makes sense to me looking at hindsight...
Imagine it all can exist at the same time...

Up to this point in my life, everything has been meaningful for me to learn more about myself.

Wow, I don't know if I would of agreed with that statement when my life was falling apart not less than two years ago...
And it all makes sense now...yes, there is more to come...

I have re-claimed my health, re-defined who I am as a human being, re-shaped my life and onto a new stage in my life...
they call this stage "Empty Nester's"...

At first I felt a huge void in my life without my son - "Empty"? Not now, life is full, for me and my son...how did that happen?

I am not near a dictionary and I will expand on my own understanding of "Empty"

Well, quickly I go to "nothingness". How wonderful is that?

Isn't the place of creativity?

In these past two years, anytime I was in a course with Louise Lebrun - it seem to me that the most profound and potent times for me is when I did "nothing". The first time in my life that I was able to have space, thanks to Louise, to do "nothing". Allow yourself to do "nothing" right now...then if you are interested go into her website to see what she has to offer in the way of courses at www.WEL-Systems.com I am so glad I listen to my "gut" about taking many courses from her because my life is not only liveable now, I have an amazing life now!!!

Do nothing...lots of judgement there...Oh, man yes I am that person that wants to keep going no matter what. No matter if my body is screaming to stop. No matter if my intellect is wanting to stop the world and get off it for awhile (yes, these days I want to get back on for more) and No matter even though I am clear that it is like "eating an elephant one bite at a time". I know longer have to do "it" because someone suggested. In those times, sitting in "nothingness" seems to make a huge difference allowing me to process...ponder...and awake to something that has now come into my awareness...

"Nothingness"

all out of "nothingness" I have re-claimed my health, re-shaped my own world and onto a new stage in my life...

come join me as I welcome you to this interactive blog...I believe I don't have to do this alone anymore...

you can also contact me at my business email: trust-your-self@rogers.com

Starting to move through my life differently...and letting go of my "adult" child

2008-09-01T08:22:00.000-07:00

I am moving through this weekend with such love for life - and when I sit in the moment of reflection thinking about these past two years, it has been life altering. Maybe it is not that this weekend I am doing anything different from other long holiday weekends...yet what is different is that my world is different, and I am so in touch with myself and the best part of it all for me is, I LOVE MY LIFE and I LOVE ME and WHO I AM BECOMING!!!...

I am away from Ottawa this weekend, on holiday around my extended family and childhood friends. In this area, my son is also getting settled in a house with 4 other guys and is excited about the potential that his life is bringing. Who knows where his life is taking off to, and I know that his time spent in New Zealand this summer was nothing short of being amazing, and has widen his lens, looking from a very different perspective. Hmm, imagine he went half way around the world...the world often refers to Australia and New Zealand as "down under".
His view was changed and his life has changed! Not bad having an upside down view! Ha!Ha!

I am loving each moment this weekend, I notice that people are hanging on, staying a little longer, wanting to chat with me, wanting to converse with me. I make sense to them and they don't know why yet are so up for their own life. It doesn't go any other way...everyone I meet are so up for their own life. They want more clarity for their own lives. They want more fulfilment in their own being. They want humour and passion of what they want in their own life. Oh yeah, we like to see other people happy but I know that it comes from within. Healing comes from within. What is the old saying, what do you get when you cut an orange...orange juice, not apple juice, orange juice. Happiness comes from within. Passion comes from within. Love of SELF comes from within...

It is not that hard to change what is not working, if we choose to not make it hard for ourselves. And you know what, that is exactly where I am. I am not willing to push that river anymore. I continue to engage and believe me, I never know the result...what I do know is that it will be expanded. I no longer have a puny life, and my life is getting more amazing each day!

This weekend I am meeting up with a childhood friend that I haven't seen for quite a while. I am looking forward to it and know that my time spent with her will be meaningful to me and her. I don't live my life any other way now. It is always meaningful for me or I choose not. I don't even think anymore about the "or I should do this" - if it is clear to me right in the body response that I want to do it or not - that is what I listen to. I am even past that stage where I knew it is the body and I warped around and let my intellect convince me of something different. Usually turning out to be what I didn't want to do. No more and how easy life has become for me.

Even settling my son back into university is very different this year. I am so clear on letting him do what he needs to do. Not getting into his space and thinking he needs to do it this way or that way. Or needs this or that. Actually, we had a conversation about the things I bought him last year...i believe it was all useful stuff and he was so clear that it wasn't any of his choices. That is how life is different - no longer does my son go quiet and withdraw and no longer do I believe in my own mind that this is the way it should go because that is what was the way it was parented to me...now, we engage in calm, revealing conversations; he speaks up and out about his truth, I get to also speak up and out about my truth, and we both stay true to our own truth/Self. And you know what, funny how beliefs, values and attitudes change - they were never meant to be static and fixed. We get to be truthful to our own self. My life is a joy to live now, I am standing tall in who I am, which allows him to stand tall in who he is. Life altering.

On Saturday all the parents of the five guys were at the house, cleaning and helping their sons move in. I had a "sickly" feeling as I observed one parent, smothering her son. Oh, how familiar that was to me. So it is not about that mother and son, what was important for me to stay with was the impulse that was moving through my body. I didn't even have to open my mouth yet I felt a real "sadness" go through my own body. Oh, it was painful for me to stay with this yet I know this was for me to expand my own world.

My son and I had a great conversation driving down to the Niagara area on Thursday night. It was about the changes in our lives since the move from the Maritimes two years ago. We are both fine now and I am clear on what I am willing to do and what I am willing not to do. I am willing not to "smother" my son anymore. Hell, I didn't even know I was doing it at that time. I am moving on to a new chapter in my life. I am still my son's parent yet we are establishing a new relationship now that he is a "adult". There are no handbooks for this, and I believe it is even different then the experiences that many have with their "adult" children before me. I look around me and see other's "smoothing" their "adult" children - this is not about being judgemental of others - this is about being curious and how to do it a different way, allowing the parent to stand tall in who they are, which allows their "adult" child to stand tall in who they are and who they are becoming. After all, our "adult" children want to fly the nest!!! And I want a fulfilling life now that I am a "Empty Nester"!

I am paying attention to my breathe that I am inhaling...it is new, nourishing every cell in my body, kind of breathe!!!

The Huge Judgments of Myself ARE The Most Damaging!

2008-08-26T11:40:00.000-07:00

Wow, today I saw my own edge...did I back down from it or did I go right into it?

You guessed it...i stay right with it...

This is something new to me...to honour, and own ...even though how bazaar it may seem to me, and yes, before I would have huge judgements of myself, and believe I don't know what I am talking about...then a sense of self-consciousness would come over me and the insanity would start for me, over and over again, cycle after cycle.

This time it was okay for me to have this move through my body...

Yes, this time I stayed right in the "yuck" of it all - it is not about being right or wrong in my world anymore - what the difference is, "that this is RIGHT for me to stay with whatever moves through me"...

Funny how, everything is changing in my world. No longer will our son be with us in a couple of days. Heck, he is willing to fly!

And you know what, I have done an amazing job!

There is no irony that I had cardinals living in our hedge, outside the kitchen window, this past month. They had their babies nested in the hedge. Wow, the colors that cardinals have are so brilliant and vibrant that each time their were flying from the hedge to the tree outside in the front yard, I stopped and watched...received...

Funny how I didn't pay as much attention to the babies (I knew they were just fine) yet how the parents were flying, speaking and communicating to each other.

Hmm, yes, this is interesting to me because there is a parallel to my "empty nest" and somehow I have blinked and my child has grown from a baby to a adult (give me a second on that one)...and, now it is more about how do I move in my world? - wanting a meaningful relationship with my husband and what about ME?

How does that happen when we have spent years of paying attention to not our own desires or wants... and because we thought "GOOD Parents DO THIS OR THAT" we lost our connection with each other, and worse, lost who we are.

Something else that is coming up...how many of us play out the roles that we wanted our parents to play out, and they just were not there for whatever reason. Or how many wished that their parents took more of a low key approach and let us stand on our own, making our own mistakes and triumphs that make us the person we are and becoming?

Is my relationship with my husband good? Oh, yeah but I know there are some "yuck" that will unfold in the months ahead...

This coming weekend is a time for doing something different. Yes, we are going to bring our son back to university yet it is a time for us. More importantly for Me to choose ME!
I don't have the same stress I use to put on myself. And man the judgments I would have about myself are becoming fewer and fewer. I know that I will be just fine and that whoever is wanting to see us, it will be meaningful and just right for ME!

I will remember to continue to breathe, right now it is breathing the inhale, the new breathe, as my life changes...

I am ALLOWING HUGE FIRE To Move Through Me!

2008-08-22T08:59:00.000-07:00

You know, this week has been one of sure delight. Not in a calm, soothing, not pushing up against anything kind of way...but a "fiery" stay with what is going through my body - owning my own stuff and honoring it. Not locking it down, worrying about what others will think of me...NO!

I choose differently, having and knowing more chooses now, and I choose ME!

This is a way I am moving through my world and allowing this huge "burning" to move!!!

This is something I now "celebrate" because I never would allow the huge immense fire that I have to move through my body.

I HAVE ARRIVED!!!!

What is great for me to be writing this down...Oh how I can forget about my own self and not allow this to move...and I know that it is NO MORE...it is not serving me to not allow this HUGE FIRE to move!

Has it been easy this week to stay with it - I would say YES!!! WHY? It was clear to me...I didn't know it in the intellect yet felt it right in the body. Even among all this confusion I knew that my body never lies. I didn't have to even speak for a while, and knew that I would be clearer/have insight for myself if I stay with the confusion in my body - allowing it to move and not to stop breathing...just breathe...I know "frees" me and I become a huger presence of myself!!!!

I have never been taught this to just stay with what is moving through my body. Yet I have been taught to lock it down, don't talk like that, no everything will be find...you know in your own body that that list can go on...

Owning my own fire, for my own evoultion, for me, is what is "DELIGHTFUL".

Empty Nester's??? AND Letting Go of Adult Children - Oh Man, How Does That All Happen?

2008-08-14T10:48:00.000-07:00

Today, I am buzzing around doing things that make a difference to me...and I thought to myself, Hmm...I'm going to stop right now....make a "hot" as they say in the Annapolis Valley - hot cup of tea and some cookies that I will make right now...and enjoy the moment...

Then quickly my mind shifts to, "oh, wouldn't it be nice for my son to come home from work today and enjoy some cookies?" "And aren't I a wonderful/amazing, first class mother to make cookie's (healthy ones at that)!

NNOOOOOO!!!!

I want to scream! What a metaphor for how I have lived my life!

Doing everything for my son, my husband and everyone else that I thought made me a wonderful/amazing, first class person instead of doing it for me, first!

I wonder if I was asked the question then, how would I have answered it. The question can go like this, "are you making those cookies for yourself to enjoy, or are you making them because you believe that it is making you a good mother, wife, relative, friend, neighbour...and the list goes on...and as the list goes on, the further I was losing myself. Losing who I am. Going outside of my own self. Turning myself inside out because I thought that was the way to move in my world...

Right now, I am in a transition to let go of my adult child. Man, I love him and know that letting him go to where ever he needs to go AND do is more important for him...now where does that leave me?

Life is expanding for me in all areas of my life. Recently, I have been especially paying attention to the notion of letting go of my adult child. They talk about "Empty Nester's" - well, that has proven to be more difficult to me then anything I have done in my life...I have had the hugest wake up call for myself - getting physically ill and coupled with, my son wanted to get on with his own life, yet could see that I was getting more ill and ended standing still, concerned. Unsure of his own future because of many things, and because of watching his mother who he loves deeply, getting sicker by the day...

Today it is a much brighter picture, my son who is twenty almost twenty-one, wants to explore his own way to move through his world and for him that means, living away from his parents. Yes, he likes the flexibility of coming to see us once in awhile but clear that he wants to leave in another city. I am not advocating to live away but I am noticing how potent it is for him to explore his own potential world, the way he wants to. And that means for me to let go.

Oh, to let go of him, for me to relax into the next unfolding of my life. Wow, what am I facing that I have never aloud myself to face because I concentrated so much on my son?

In this past year, I have gotton clear on the way I was defining my self; my entire life depended on my role as "mother".

What I am noticing now...and what was harmful to me then, is that I didn't do anything for myself. I did things that I felt other people would appreciate - forgetting that if it didn't "light me up", then it all became "drudgery" for me. Oh, I didn't even feel happy, and walked around with huge amounts of "anxiety" "unhappiness" in my body. I invite you to consider your own world different if you are finding that you have done everything possible to improve your life and it is still not working...So getting back to the cookies I made today. Yes, it is about ME enjoying them for myself. I think about this differently now (that has given me different choices or possibilities to consider) because when I saw the cookies cooling...I said to myself, "yes, they are there for my OWN pleasure!" Wow, that feels different in my body then "i have made them for my son and husband".

This is not the only blog about this topic. This is so potent in my life and I will be blogging more on what transforms and unfolds in my life...I love my son so dearly and I know that each mother out there feels the same way. It is a pivotal time in my life. In my blogs to come I am going to be talking more about letting go of adult children and Empty Nester's. If this is something that is coming up in your own life or someone you know...i would love to hear from you. My business email address is trust-your-self@rogers.com or leave a comment...for now, I am not going to forget to breathe~~~

"Confusion" "Lost" "Floating" _ I welcome this now, and think of it differently

2008-08-13T08:30:00.000-07:00

My life is great and getting fuller each moment...one thing that is not so great is just the notion of "asking". I have a old belief in me, "that I don't ask unless it is important".

Well, how that is playing out in my life is people are asking for my web page and there is still no advancement or no web page to guide them to. I believe that has been about two months in the making. Now, it has been a process for me to actually be clear on my intentions of a web page - and that did take time. Yet, this feeling in my body is starting to become very familiar to me - a pattern that I have played out all my life. It was with great gusto that I engaged in the process of having a web page and then, for me, it seemed that my intention was "lost" or "floating" somehow. I no the importance and how much it will make a difference to me - yet, I don't make it a priority to myself. Also, for me, how does it get lost in the process. Why does my focus change when I know it will be a great benefit to me?

Oh man, yes I have come leaps and bounds in my evolution yet I seem to be "floating" or not valuing myself, for this one, that I know will take me to a higher level.

I am standing at at point of...i don't even have the words to say, yet the knowing in my body is intense. Why do I give up on myself like this? Why don't I just go ahead a get it done?

What thing that is clear to me is that I need to go directly towards this, in order to go beyond. This is not always easy, and certainly not easy to blog this - cause hey, I have come so far in my evolution. In fact, people tell me that my appearance is totally different then less than a year ago.

Yes, "confusion" is something I welcome - I think of this differently now...all i need to do is breathe...

Small Changes Have Made Huge Differences In My Life

2008-08-11T07:24:00.001-07:00

Well, here I am, half way through my day, it's 10:30 in the morning...what a delight for me that I have recently chosen again to go through my day differently. This change has just arrived. I get up around 6 to have breakfast, and get ready to bike to a women's gym. There, I actively do a work-out class with 5 other women that have been together working out for over 4 years. I am so happy moving my body and spending time with women on the move!!!

Why does that make me what to scream for joy at the top of a mountain?

Well, two years ago I couldn't even get out of my own way. I couldn't even think about getting out of my bed to even eat breakfast. I didn't even have the energy to have a shower. I knew that I wanted to live yet wanted to fall off the world for awhile...and I knew that moving my body was important no matter what anyone else was doing?

At first, all I could do was get ready for a walk with my dog. I would walk about three houses down the road and then come back. Day after day I increased the distance. Extented the distance to around the corner, next neighbourhood, and now I walk an hour or hour and half with my dog most days. I LOVE THAT TIME WITH MY DOG AND MYSELF!!!

So what is this blog all about?

Funny how, we do things in our life for other reasons then doing them just for ourselves. I am not even going to go outside of myself with this thought. Funny how, even thinking about the gym, working out, we do it for a different reason and not for the sure pleasure.

Even at the gym, I see women working out "frantically" and how "busy" their work-outs are..

Interesting how "busy" we can keep ourselves...and I for one, know that I was keeping myself busy for years, being on every committee possible, going for two degrees, extending my welcomed hand to who ever ask for it, "avoiding" or keeping myself "busy" because I was in a marriage that wasn't working for me, and quite honestly, him as well...

Hmm, this is really resonating with me...I have come leaps and bounds with my relationship these past two years with my husband; only because I got "real" with myself. NO, I am not saying that everyone should stay in their marriage...what I am saying is that when I got "real" with myself, that allowed my husband to be "real" with himself.

Is it always easy? UMM, no! Is it always a fuller and more connected way to interplay? Yes, because when I am "real" with myself, it opens up other possibilities, and always surprising to me, usually never the way I would predict the outcome...

I knew enough, years ago, that if i change my dance step then whoever is following, no longer can that dance continue...

Yet, what I didn't know...I didn't know once I changed my dance step...how did I make a new dance if I didn't have another rhythm and pattern to carry out something new?

Wow, I think about the huge difference I have made to myself...yes, it is time for me to OWN all of my journey. As a result, my health has been re-claimed, my husband moves through his world differently. And hey, my son just returned from going half way around the world. What I am going to claim right now in this moment...It is because I got "real" with myself. WOW!!! Yahoo!!!

I would love to hear for you. What I suggest is paying attention to "busyness"... it was something I did for years and how I "avoided" whatever I really needed to face...somehow I am learning that it is never about the big stuff that I fear... small changes have made huge differences in my life...breathing through it all, and not stopping the impulse that is going through the body, that is the challenge..

"Obligation" and "Being Loyal inspite of Myself" - Does this sound familiar?

2008-08-01T11:52:00.000-07:00

I am back from holiday. And I am back with a new focus. And hey, I want this to be interactive. Thanks Sarah I welcome you and many others to join me...

Does it mean up to this point I need to wash everything away. NO. I am only going to keep what is meaningful to me. What nourishes me. What refreshes me. What makes me "light up"! What makes me feel ALIVE!

I love the analogy that Louise LeBrun at www.WEL-Systems.com spoke of a couple of months ago. It really has been whirling around in my mind and at each choice I make - allows me to make choices that are sustaining me. Choices that allow me to find more zest for my life. Choices that allow me to enjoy the moment I am in, right here and now. Choices that allow me to notice the small things in life that normally pass me by. And aren't these the things that when I get quiet in my body and mind, opens up to amazing possibilities...inviting other potential possibilities that will make my world so rich to live. No I don't mean necessarily more money yet that's useful too! - what i mean is to really experience the richness of living on this planet earth from moment to moment and to interplay with my emerging future...

The analogy that Louise LeBrun spoke of that has really changed my world is...instead of continually climbing the mountain, higher and higher, why not moved to a different part of the mountain? (not necessarily higher and maybe across the mountain) and look from a different view (from new lens). Man, it is so refreshing to me to view my life differently. I don't have to continue to try harder and harder. I just relax into myself, stand tall in who I am, and look out into the sea of possibilities. Oh yeah, it is important for me to engage, and engage again...without action there is only possibilities...

All I do is listen to what is moving through me and engage - choice or not, then engage again...

This past week I have spent my time on holiday with my husband and son. It was the most meaningful time I have had in a long time with them. What was so pleasurable is that each one of us truly lavished in "ourselves" - in who we are, and becoming. We don't lie about who we are to each other, or ourselves, or we don't pretend that we are something that we are not. What is different for me...we may have "angry" yet it is looked at from new lens...

At one point it was a totally different conversation the three of us had - nothing like a conversations we would have. It was about being "loyal" outside ourselves, and how that doesn't serve anymore. Yes, being loyal inspite of ourselves. I was jolted by a comment that an extended family member had made - knowing that I pay attention more to what was firing off in my body then the outside comment. What became really cool to my awareness, was the conversation my son, husband and I had...because my son could see that I needed to talk about what was firing off in my body. The conversation was an open loop and not a closed loop.

Oh how I can revert back to that old familiar pattern to me, lock me down response, silence me, instead, it was a very different outcome...the engagement allowed me to say what I needed to say for myself. Funny enough, I was so heated at the beginning of the conversation and by the end of the conversation I was calm - Man, even a month ago, I would of carried out that "emotion" for all it's worth and for a long period of time. Remember, fire energy is one type of breathe that I would never allow and invite to move inside my body to it's fullest potential - I was truly fearful of the destruction i would create for myself and everyone around me. Ha!Ha!

No one was hurt in it all, and I got to be honest in what was coming from the deep tissues of my own cells. Not the "absolute truth" that I was always aware of, and thought that was the only way, being so important to survive in my collective and world...this time...it was my own truth! Man, how good does life get when I get to tell my own truth and someone will listen...it doesn't mean that they need to agree with me, yet just to listen and hear me out...(Safety was created and it gave me Personal Power in someone listening to what I was speaking up and out with)...this particular conversation the three of us had, has brought a lot of clarity to how we move in the world. Not everyone will agree with us and I am clear that means extended family as well. I do know that I am much more clearer on how I want to live my life. And I have a sense of Well-being from my own choices - not from choices outside of myself.

It was beautiful how we stayed true to ourselves, each one of us, and how our week unfolded - (leaving out the "obligation" stuff that was known and so familiar to me) - AND how this past week, we saw who we wanted to see, talked to who we wanted to talk to, enjoyed what we wanted to enjoy...I always remember a prof asking me what I mean by "bliss" - now I know!!! Life is blissful!!!!

I AM No Longer Wanting To Do This Alone. Welcome to my Interactive Blog!

2008-07-22T07:51:00.000-07:00

I'm back! I'm back for me, and now want a connection to you...I have been away from "blogging" for the past two weeks. And guess what I have discovered, it is something that lights me up! It sources me! It gives me pleasure! It expands my world...!

IT MAKES ME SMILE!!!

It took being away for awhile, to know that this is WHO I AM!!!

I started going away from myself, forgetting who I am, especially in the last couple of blogs I wrote. There was so much "rage" turned in on myself warping back into my intellect, thinking that I was not moving forward. That I didn't deserve to give myself SPACE. You know what, I did my 'strategy' i do the best...to just turn in on myself...sound familiar to you?

I am interested in starting right now to have a interactive blog. What that means to me, is that I no longer want to be alone blogging. I welcome all your comments. I welcome what comes up for you when I blog. I welcome CONNECTION to you and others!

If you like what I am writing, invite others...

Right now, I am feeling better then I did when I woke up this morning. I am clear that I want more. I am clear that if I continue to do want I do not want to do, my body will let me know...

I am clear that I want to meet more women/young adults/people that are also looking for a different way to move through their world. Yes, they are finding as well, their life is not working and don't know any other way. And not even saying a word to anyone else - yet in their bodies experiencing "dis-ease".

I offer the different way. I invite a whole new way of looking at my "life". I have many experiences in my body that I can share that can make a difference to you - if you choose. I have done the whole gamete and nothing was "freeing" me until this past year.

I am a teacher by profession and love sharing my own evolution; and maybe to offer insight into yours. I am building a buissness within the WEL-Sytems context.

So, I would love to hear from you...

Lately, I have found that it is up to me to invite myself - (oh boy, sounds like a lot of "politically correct" rules there) otherwise, no one would ever no that I really want/desire to be part of that experience and with those chosen people. Yes, this is a whole new way for me to look at my world. Do you ever wonder why you are left out of the loop? And can't imagine why?

I look forward to the amazing potential and possibilities that blogging "interactively" will invite to my world, as well, your world...

Welcome to my "interactive" blog!!!

Hey, I am not "holding" my breathe right now! Nor clapping my mouth closed, locking my jaw. I would say that is not to shabby for asking what I want to welcome into my life now...

Reclaiming my life and looking at it differently

2008-07-09T10:19:00.000-07:00

Lately, more and more of my age group is thinking or retiring from their occupations. In particular I have one person that when he announced his retirement a year ago; his health has gone down and has aged in looks.

What is really happening? He is mortgage free, lots of money to carry him into his future - truly no concerns there...isn't retirement a place where you can go and do everything that you wanted to do when you couldn't because of 'work' or 'family' or 'whatever' got in it way. Wow, have I changed my belief on that one (in a later blog).

Something that is coming into my reality right now...and I extend the thought out, that he may, on a subconcous level he believes that he is not going to be making a 'contribution' anymore? His Identity is changing and what thoughts is he allowing himself to have or having that is changing his health that is hindering him? Lots happening and only when I talk to that person can it be revealed to what is going on with him.

What I have been becoming more aware of is just that...becoming more aware of awareness. One awareness that is potent in my life is the notion of "change". We have all heard, "you are only as old as you think you are". It has deeper implications then just the cliche.

What is a thought?

I believe, it is a impulse of energy/information for the body to metabolize, to know more of who you are becoming.

So, what is coming up with me right now, is the thought of, "I am joyus, healthy, fit, with loads of vitality".

Is that what I was telling myself these past two years? What is also resonating with me is that in this moment I can choose. I can choose to say that I am a "joyus, healthy, fit, with loads of vitality". In fact, more and more, I want to improve in my fitness level and vigor everyday. Or I can tell myself something "fear based".

An awareness that is also potent is, the shift in my reality. I no longer able to even entertain certain thoughts because my core value is no longer "true" to what I held as my reality. My "reality" has changed...

I know for myself, this is a new belief, one that i am getting louder and clearer. My body carries with it the intelligence for me - sole purpose is to sustain the body. No body, I am not here.

I am choosing right now that my body is "new" at every minute. We know from science that all of our organs, skin, etc is replaced time and time again. For example, the skin replaces itself once a week, the stomach lining every five days, the liver every six weeks, and the skeleton every three months to name a few.

Why does society - the collective, continually want to think of the body as decaying over time, and not rethink "freeing" thoughts of "vitality, amazing health, clarity of mind, joy" into retirement, later days of life!

Hmm, lots to think about. What has changed in my life is I have found some playmates that are also up for meaningful conversations - stuff that matters to them. This blog or converstion would have been in isolation, hidden before, something I would not share; I would of thought it was "way out" there. I think differently now... the question I ask, "how does "decaying of the body" or "youthfulness in elder years" manifest? Can I change my own reality to a even healthier body in my aging years? Lots for me to ponder and ask the bigger questions...

trust your self

I am sitting in 'chaos' right now and that it good...

I am RE-Dicovery PLEASURE! It is more then "Good Nutrition".

2008-07-06T06:19:00.000-07:00

I'm getting clearer, and clearer, of finding time to do the things I value for MYSELF and hanging out with the people I choose to be with. And recently had a conversation with my husband that I choose to be with a partner that chooses HIMSELF first, as well. My life is getting more simpler, clearer, effortless and I am manifesting what lights me up (trust me, I can also manifest things that don't light me up if I choose to...) the difference today, is the knowing in the next breathe I can choose differently...

Last night was a beautiful example to me, choosing mindfully, of spending time with our New Zealand friend's that we have known for over 20 years that was truly meaningful to me. It was not forced, I am who I am, no firing off in my body, it is just pure and simple time chatting, laughing, being and hangin'.

One great pleasure that was there for me last night and something that we have always shared with this couple - is our cultures (New Zealand and Canadian) and also our love for amazing, yummy, tasty, wholesome food that we enjoy together as well - during our meal, my mouth was dancing with flavour, my taste buds were heighten with delight! It was a whole sympathy of PLEASURE!

The next thought that comes into my mind...or am I experiencing the "hit" in the body right now...I take a look around at different culture's because I experience many in my own extended family. Food means so much more then just good nutrition. Actually, in my high school days I worked at a Polish hall and the women taught me then, that food is a 'community' gathering - what does that mean?

Food is the focal point, centred and shared, for to recognize someone in the community for whatever, food was always a GREAT PLEASURE. It would take hours to prepare the "meal", including at times, the night before coming in to help out with getting a start on many dishes. This is bringing up warm memories for me. The earnest, love and care that each of these women and men would have, all for the preparation to the food, that would be enjoyed at the meal means more then good nutrition.

I wonder when food is being prepared out of this much love, care and desire is the value of it's nutrition content become higher?

Higher because of the vibration? Higher because of the cultural diversity being honored through "food"? Higher because of one's IDENTITY?

I remember being in the other part of the hall, after everyone was served and whoever was working, we would come together and have our "dinner" as well. OH, the memories of the huge platters that would come in - we could have whatever we wanted to satisfy our succulent appetite - enjoying the gathering of us, typically many of us attending the same high school, laughing and chatting, AND at the same time, remembering that we had to go back out and clean up HA! HA!

To add, I loved the different languages that were spoken at this Polish Hall, and even though I didn't understand the many languages, I felt a vibration in my own body, knowing that I belonged. It was through the process of preparing the 'feast' that always took on a exciting potential to what was emerging...I could feel it, as time went on getting closer to the 'festive event' that sparks were gaining momentum...

I think of my own self these past years when I became really ill. I look at how "stressed out" my body was. I know that my body didn't digest my food. It was too busy trying to keep it safe (the fight or flight response). Keeping my inside world safe - the knowing that my outside world was safe or unsafe, was just that - I turned inward to my own internal state...that is where my journey has been, staying in my body knowing I am safe, in my body...what ever unfolds...

Another pop, and I may seem all over the place with this blog...Hmm, when we were in France years ago, something that I have always marvelled at and pay attention to is the way the French culture move through their world. They seem to have this notion of, you can eat anything that you want, over a long period of time. They would spend hours in the evening having their meal, drinking their red wine, chatting, socializing, and eating again. And they are a "healthy" culture. It is more then just good "nutrition"...

It has been interesting to me, this past month, that another layer, is presenting something for me to be aware of. I have been having this gnawing urge to go for "empty" carbohydrates. Something that resonates with me is that I have a knowing in my own body that processed foods don't fit well with my body. Okay, if I know this, then what is the pull to desire, or eat "empty" carbohydrates - yes, in the form of processed foods, Right now, I may not even care about trans-fats, white sugar mixed in there, I eat them anyway...I know this 'zaps' my energy by eating this way, something I haven't done for months...it is more then nutrition - and I am pleased to say, today how quickly I turn this around, not pushing the river, nor turn this around out of "will and determination"...

This is a different way that i choose to move through my world. Yes, I don't even "beat myself up" anymore because I have had resolution in my body - it is gone, and giving me a whole new way I choose to move through my world. I would of been so skeptical of someone, watching someone to re-claim their health, yet what I have experienced of re-claiming my health back, my life is getting fuller, more interesting...what is great for me, is that I am continually losing weight, and have been since February of this year, 2008, when I was in a WEL-Systems program called Emerging Futures : Entrepreneurial Women. How is that so?

A suggestion is to go to www.WEL-Systems.com and also read Louise Lebrun's blogs, her Emerging Future's and Women Gathering blogs, as well as reading other's on her blogging community, and pay attention to what is firing off in your body...there is a lot of PLEASURE of becoming truthful to what you know in your own body - has it always been easy for me? NO! Yet right now, I am becoming aware that life is rich, zestful and PLEASURABLE TO LIVE!

I am re-discovery PLEASURE! Pleasure in my life. Pleasure with people I choose to be with. Pleasure with taking "Space" for me. Pleasure for allowing myself time to think about something that matters to me - even though someone is insisting on their answer right now. Pleasure with living in the here and now. Pleasure in spending time with people I want to enjoy, centred around different cultural dishes! Pleasure in knowing that people in my life are standing tall in who they are becoming and choosing themselves first. Pleasure in knowing the next moment I don't have a clue of what is coming, and I know when I choose mindfully, it will be amazing! Pleasure of re-discovery the love I have of travel. Pleasure in the dance of flavor of different foods!

I am declaring right now that i am making food a bigger priority in my life. It is more then good nutrition. No longer am I going to slip back and not mindfully prepare - and believe it doesn't matter this time to eat whatever. Wow! An open loop! I am going to mindfully find time to do what I value - i am on the edge of understanding what it means to me to change the way I eat beyond "good nutrition"!

Trust your self!

Looking at my life from a different way - what do I want to CREATE?

2008-06-23T10:00:00.000-07:00

I just re-read Louise LeBrun's last blog called, "The Palpable Presence of a Woman Awake". Go to www.WEL-Systems.com click on Women Gathering...there is much there, allow yourself, and I say for myself, it is expanding my thinking right now, and looking at my life from a different way...an analogy that I like and shared recently with me. I have moved across the mountain, and no longer continue to do the same thing as I was always trying to do. No longer looking from the same perspective only to continue climbing higher in the mountain and getting no results. No, I have completely changed my perspective by moving around the mountain and viewing something new and different - expanding my perspective!

A quote from Louise's blog is resonating with me, it goes like this..."Do we invest in "trying" to change the world we already created, or do we invest in creating the world we want?"

What is coming up for me, is what I have been going through these past few weeks; how deeply wired my own "stuff" is. I know that I have had so much resolution in the body and it has now allowed me "Space" for other possibilities that I mindfully choose. So yes, i have reclaimed my health and life back, even better then before I became ill - to add, I live in huge gratitude for showing me this new paradigm, which allowed me to reclaim my health and life back - and, there is something that wants me to hold onto from deep in my tissues...that i can't explain..

Okay, so Louise's first part of her sentence is "Do we invest in "trying" to change the world we already created..." No, is a simple answer for me, yet one that has given me conflict these past few weeks. I am very awake to knowing that it is only in the next moment that follows, i stand at now and choose...the opportunity to change my mind differently. I don't have to be my past, nor push the river. All that is required of me, for me, is to be "MYSELF". How hard is that?

Not who I have been taught to believe I am yet the "True" Me that is alive, joyous, happy and safe in my own body. The "ME' that breathe's huge potential, curiosity, bewilderment, zest, love, compassion into my own life, and always choosing Myself first...WOW, amazing people, places, events come into my life...

This is so simple when I write this out and see it on the screen. I don't continue to create or invest in the world I already created...if I am real with myself...some of it is not working for me. Right now, I invest in creating the world I want...

At this point, I no longer can even remotely believe that I am just fine. Of course, at this point of the many courses I have taken with the WEL-Systems Insitute - and knowing what I know, knowing what I don't know, don't know, and knowing there is so much more possible for me in my life. Yes I am fine... Yet I surrender to my fire...i allow whatever wants to surface, surface. I no longer am going to fear this huge warm, or hot, glow that is inside my body. This is the gateway for me to create a life that is one that will create the world I want. I Declare that I am no longer Fearful of my Own Fire!

Something else that needs to be clear for me, is my intention. I declare in this moment that I no longer listen to a voice inside of me that wants to 'sabatoge' me. I engage sooner of my "authentic" self - the designer and creator of my life - to what I want and choose. I am living 'awake". I am a buissness woman. I choose to create in my life what I want. What I want is to engage, in small gatherings, or one-on-one conversations with other women that are also up for living their lives with meaning, purpose and fulfillment. I am willing to share my own experiences that I have in my body, of my journey back to reclaiming my heath and life, knowing that it is also possible for them, if that is what they choose.
I am choosing me first, and that allows my love ones to stand tall in who they are, and choose themselves first. Already my life is full, and i live in bewildermet and surprize to how much better it can get! Who would of ever believed!!!

I had focussed first on myself getting healther - then, spent a lot of time in meaningful conversations with my son and husband. For me, the ones dearest to me, have offered the biggest lessons for me to pay attention to, and I know that I am a very effective facilitator. Not always easy to take myself out of the picture, always wanting to be "right" and knowing that it is more about being "happy" yet the pay off has been like no other. Yes, I have my son back, in a different way, and he is leaving for New Zealand for a month on Wednesday. This coming month, I plan to give myself space to write about my own journey back to great health and how my son, by being himself, gave me so much clarity about my own life. Yesterday, my husband and I had a conversation that wasn't easy, and he thanked me later for staying with it - it has made a difference to him, today!

One more thing I want to talk about is something that has come to light for me. Talking to other women, I spoke about being a nurturer. Somehow, I have looked on that as being my down fall...I shared with them that I didn't cancel my own appointment for the sake of picking up my son from work. Before I would easily fall into default and do everything for him, and for that matter everyone else...He went home on the bus which he is unfamiliar with the route or city and believe me, he expressed to me that he was JUST FINE. Someone spoke up and said to me, " that is how you are an amazing nurturer because you had your son ride the bus and not cancel your appointment". Thanks Lisa for that insight it has changed my life.

Wow, I'm breathing deeply...

That old familiar energy of "SELF-CONFIDENCE"?

2008-06-18T06:57:00.000-07:00

A lot has been going through me these past couple of days. More specifically, something that is coming into my awareness right now is old familiar energy. I am clear that I stand in the now, and look into my emerging future. Whatever needs to come up from my past to present itself, will. This is how I evolve and move closer to who I am in the world (not who I have been culturally conditioned to be). These last couple of days, I have been facing an old familiar energy that is going through me. I will call it "self-confidence".

It is interesting to me, that I blog for me, and only me. Lately, how I blog, has created internal conflict for me. In my intelligent, I am having these thoughts of blogging on a different level. I liken this to the time I spent in university. All those papers I wrote throughout my two degrees.
Over time, I pumped out these amazing papers. I payed attention to all the rules that either the discipline wanted, or that writing a "proper" paper had. Yes, from sentence structure, wording, past tense, past participle, run-on sentences, subject-verb agreement, punctuation, spelling a word correctly and the list of "rules" goes on...

Pumping out these amazing papers that gave me incredible 'external' gratitude yet for me...somehow, I didn't own them...

Am I enjoying the process of what I am doing by blogging? Yes, yet there is a conflict right now...

I have this notion or idea of myself that I "should be more". My blogging should be more of "formal" writing and become clearer to the reader.

I am in absolute "tears" right now. To me, this "emotion" is "energy" in flow...

My intention is not for other's. My Blogging is for me. PERIOD.

Okay, the process of how I am blogging is one that speaks to me. And only to me. It is clear to me that I blog from "raw" impulses that come from deep inside me. I just allow myself to blog whatever comes out of my body and allow my intelligent to move well out of the way.

What does that mean? I don't pay attention to all the "rules" of writing - yet, allow the vibration of who I am to come out and onto the writing screen. So, my blogging may not make sense to someone reading my blog. Or my "past, present, and future" tenses may be all in one sentence.

I am finding this interesting..."It may even be hard for one to read my blogs".

I going to stop and think about what I have just written. This sentence, is bringing up the idea of, is this how I am choosing to live my life right now?

I am outrageous, fun and living life fully. Yet, do I have the belief that other's are not seeing the HUGE presence I am in the world. Or, more true to me, do I have a belief that other's are not "reading" who I am in the world!

And what makes me "sad" is that how many times have I believed that i have been overlooked because I am different. I have always had a "different" way to move through my life, and it became so "painful" to me that I "silenced" myself.

I don't know where to go from here. I am going to give myself a few minutes...

I do have a knowing in my body that I am HUGELY connected to who I am. This was not true as little as months ago. I don't fall back into default anymore. And right now, there is something for me to find out more about myself. My stomach is starting to "rumble" right now...great sign I say!!!

I know from, Evolution by Intention, through the WEL-Systems Institute, that it is none of my business what other's think of me. And I know that if it comes up, then it is there for me to discover more of myself. It is not about the content, yet what is evoked in me.

Funny how, the next sentence that wants to pop on the screen...is it is just fine how I am blogging!
This is a choice that I am wanting, at a higher level of thinking, that allows and invites, for me to discover more about the essence of who I am. How exciting for me - it is "ALL ABOUT ME"!

You too can partake in this process, whatever way you choose, and it will be "ALL ABOUT YOU"! How cool is that! How freeing is that!!!!

So, it is just fine for me to blog in my "raw" form. I don't have to attach external "stuff" outside of me because that only adds to confusion for me and leaves me with this sense of being"self-conscious". What will always guide me, is the knowing in my body, that how I am blogging is just "perfect" for me, right now. Man, how better does it get, when I have found a way to release the possible, potential emerging ME!!!

trust your self....

I USE to Need Approval from EVERYONE!

2008-06-14T14:02:00.000-07:00

Here it 5 o'clock on a Saturday evening. The house is in complete quietness. I'm on a "Choosing Me" weekend. And I'm elated!!!!

What that means to me is that I am wanting/desiring to be with me, and only me this weekend, besides Rugby (my dog that knows only to give unconditional love! LOL - laughing out loud) I suggested to my husband and son to go to Montreal and spend time with his brother this weekend. They felt in their own bodies that this was a wonderful idea, and acted on it.

Wow, just to write this down and see it in front of me...if this was last year at this time, I would of played, "poor me" and somehow, allow huge sadness and depression to consume my whole weekend. Now, I am not making light of "depression" - what I am saying is that I have found a way to dissolve that, and no longer attach myself to my past. I have had "resolution" in my body. I no longer even have any "pulls" or "pressing up against me" that has truly "Gone".

And I was willing to stay in the tough conversations with myself. Not always easy and always amazing!

I listened to a talk show early this morning on CBC. They were talking about "depression" and how they are much better, through exercise, eating better, allowing themselves to be more creative, and the list went on. Yes, I too have and still am doing all of that. I must say that I continue to do all of that, and it is a way of life for now; and more importantly that I ENJOY. I know in my own body that it is right for me. And now the difference for me of "depressive" and "no depression" - this is my own opinion, is the "resolution" I have had in my own body by metabolizing huge amounts of information for me, that I locked down for years. That is there for everyone. I believe everyone can have "resolution" in their bodies and lives.

I believe I don't go outside myself for my answers anymore. Yet before, I was so externally reference that I needed approval from everyone - drove everyone "nuts" including myself. Also had the belief at the time by getting every one's approval is what gave me confidence! WOW what a belief i held as true, real - this is not good, bad, right or wrong - a belief that i was carrying that was not serving me yet I was positioning as REAL AND TRUE for myself...

Which choices will give me a different way to ponder? Do I know there are many choices?...Also coming up from those questions are: How do I know any different, if I have never been shown?

I always heard "Self-Confidence" is an inside job. Before that thought could not even permeate into my body because i was always outside looking for "approval". Never did I consider my "truest" "compassionate" "brutally honest" SELF to give me my answers that would give me the "confidence" of SELF.

NO, I am not putting my head in the sand. I am standing tall and looking out into my world now. I am listening and taking in other people's opinions. Then for there, I "take" and it is only the "hit" in my own body, that expands my own world, that allows me to know the truth of my own experience. My "confidence" in SELF has expanded my own life. I hear that signal much clearer and yes, never saying too many words.

I heard myself say to another person today, "hey it's amazing to be ME!" - not too bad I say, by getting "resolution" in my body - allowing more space to open up to amazing possibilities.

The neat thing I fine about "resolution" in my body is that it is GONE - there are things that I look back on this year, that I was in utter fear of, and i can't even pull them up, they are GONE!

Trust your self!!! Just step out, one step, and see how your life will expand!!!

It's A Start...How do you love if you have never been shown LOVE?

2008-06-12T12:56:00.001-07:00

This past day has been one of 'history in the making". June 11, 2008. The apology from the Prime Minister of Canada to the Aboriginals of Canada. It is hard for me to even say as my throat wants to close up... for the residential schools the Aboriginals were sent to by our government.

It is hard for me to even start to understand the magnitude of "fear", "shame", "loneliness", "detachment from oneself and other", these people still hold in their bodies. And it is as if it only happen yesterday, when they talk now, I can feel this in my own body. THEY speak of their memories that are so vivid, hurtful and harmful! And has changed who they are...and it has changed their children, and then past down to the following generation..no wonder then have numbed their experiences...i believe by them receiving this apology from the Prime Minister they can speak up and out their truth - their healing can begin...

The first thing that comes out of my mouth is, "as early as 6, they were taken from their parents and sent off to a 'residential' school". How horrific!!! Most of us wait patiently at the bus stop for our little one to come home from school to nurture them. These children were on their own at this age, surviving, in a world that was so cut off from their parents!

Am I advocating that all other families are wonderful. No, nothing is perfect yet many of us have had the opportunity to show love and be loved... To be loved and to love.

I am in tears right now. What I do know is that you can't give away something if you don't have it inside you. If these children were never shown love, how can they love or be loved?

What grips me is the notion of, "we will take the Indian out of the person" by sending them away. No one, can ever take away your identity - this is so profound and potent to me, and there is no one that will ever take my own power away. NO MORE. I will never give away my power!

Yes, in my own life I have listen to other people and taken their word for a situation/circumstance. And what usually happens when I give my own power away, it usually ends up being not good for me. Yes, maybe the other person is fine with the decision, AND I am left with un-ease - which in the end, I had dis-ease in my body. I can't even begin to understand being told by the government that we are sending your children to residential school. I can't even describe the utter 'saddness' that this brings to me right now.

Yet shat is beautiful to me, is that this is no longer going to be talked in private rooms, secretly. This is out in the public and people are going to pay attention to it. Does that mean that everyone is going to agree with this, no. Does this mean that the healing process can start, yes.

A different vibration.

I have an interest in working with people that have come from huge adversity in their life.

It is no mistake in my life as I look back. I was billeted for three weeks on a "Indian Reserve" and was so welcomed. In fact one of my greatest memories of the time I spent in Katimavik was being shown how to make "leather Indian gloves". The women that was showing me didn't have any lining, so she cut up her pink house coat and that is what I have for a lining in both gloves. I believe that was one of my greatest lessons I have received in my life on "love" and "gratitude".
Also, my undergraduate, i choose many of my courses to be of "aboriginal" study - there is no mistake for me to have taken those many courses.

There is a knowing about "adversity" in my own body.

Hmm, what you know to be true in your own body, it what you can give away. Because you have it in you to give away!!!

We don't get to become "whole" until all parts of us are revealed! I look forward to the unfolding of this new way for the 80,000 that lived in residental schools and are still alive today! And now, they stand at their choice pt. and look into their new emergying future!!!

WHEN I AM TRUE TO MYSELF, MY LIFE UNFOLDS MAGICALLY!!!

2008-06-05T18:05:00.000-07:00

I was just outside weeding and it started to rain....and that opens up space for me to blog...

I had a huge disappointment tonight. My youngest brother was going to come for the weekend and today he said that "personal matters" came up. Not only does my son enjoy this brother's company, I enjoy being around him as well.

I move through my world differently these days. No longer, will I lash out and let everyone in the family know how disappointed I am. Instead I sat on the couch and allowed huge waves come through me. Invited whatever needed to be released from the deep tissue of my cells to come and be welcomed...

It didn't feel good and at times I had a hard time breathing, all knowing that I would be okay. It did take a while and then my body stabilized - from there I was ready to go outside and weed for awhile. I really am not attaching meaning to this wave and know that I am expanding my own life - no longer letting things stop me. It is all okay and know this is something that I created in order for me to learn more of who I am. (very different then who I have been taught to believe I am)

How is this different then before. Well, I would play the "lost child" and allow myself to be really "sad" and in a huge blame mode.

What I am finding interesting is that another person has now taken the spare ticket for the Rugby match that is playing here in Ottawa on Saturday (that was within the hour my brother cancelled) - and it is unfolding nicely...WOW, before I use to believe that I controlled the situation - whew that was huge WEIGHT on me. Now, I just step up to my life and "INSERT" myself. I cannot predict the outcome, and I know that it is going to be WONDERFUL! WHY? Because when I am true to myself life unfolds Magically!!!

Feeling "SAFE" in my BEING.

2008-05-31T15:29:00.000-07:00

I spent some time today with a group of women that are up for HUGE intensity in their own lives. There is no hiding or colluding or talking about the mundane stuff - and guess what! I get to discover more of who I am!

My husband was not home at the end of this day, and he was going to pick me up from the west side of the city - yet he wasn't home when I phoned. Somehow, I knew that I needed the SPACE that a bus trip would give me, from the west side of the city to the east side...

Something that has come up for me is this notion..."innocent as a state of being"

Well that has been on the forefront of my mind all day....

I am going to do the thing, that makes sense to me and look up the word, "innocent" - The oxford Dictionary 1.free from moral wrong, sinless, unacquainted with evil 3. simple, guileless, harmless, naive, pretending to be guileless

I guess right now I can only ask questions. Why can't I still have "innocents as a state of being" even though I'm forty-eight? Was my innocents taken away from me at such a early age that I don't even have an understanding? Do I always go into "fear" when something that happened to me, ripples out to my son and the student's I taught? Am I fooled by my own self, by avoiding or when i feel sadness that I blame myself?

Today it was re assuring to me that we don't come from the "intact" family. There is no such thing as a "perfect family". My parents stuff that was not so good, was their stuff. I don't have to take that stuff as my own anymore. It was their "bullshit" stuff and I don't have to own it anymore. Neither does my own son have to claim the "bullshit" stuff that is from me and my husband. It is something that "frees" me right now.

I have carried huge humiliation all my life - and just hoped it would go away, that no one would notice. It defined me of who I was and NO MORE!

How SAFE did I feel in my own home? No, man, we don't talk about this! And there were many times in my child/teenage life that I didn't feel safe. Did it have to be that way? NO! Because I/we aren't taughed to speak up and out when we are hurt, and let people know that we don't feel safe. Nor do we as parents ever ask our children - and really listen to what they want/desire/need to say - even if it takes hours to be with them before they want/desire/need all honouring who they are - how sacred that is!!!! Just huge waves are going through me right now...

Okay let me go back to the word "innocents"free from moral wrong, sinless, unacquainted - there was this huge belief when I was growning up that because it was a "morally good home" that all was "safe"...

How many times did i want to speak up and I was rushed off because someone had to be somewhere.

What I want to say for myself right now, is, usually it only takes that few more minutes...that makes the difference for me. Trust my SELF...

I Don't KNOW WHAT TO CALL This BLOG - I'll "JUST TAKE"!

2008-05-29T05:52:00.000-07:00

This past week has been one of 'chaos' and I am glad to say this today, that I stand taller/stronger in the knowing of more clarity about myself, once again!

By staying with a huge wave that lasted at least 48 hours to moved through me, and by not shutting it down, it has brought more awareness to me. It is though a lens has been "shattered" and I am seeing from a clearer lens. I am very aware that I have more presence of my SELF.

Has this week been easy? NO!

Have I stayed with the 'chaos'? YES!

I need to talk about, not the impulses that have moved through my body, but the awareness that I have now become clearer to, because of the huge waves that have moved through my body this week. Yes, I believe I do live in a holographic universe. Everything that unfolds in my world, and a little side note, I believe it doesn't have to be as hard as I have found it this week, so at times, it be not so easy, or it is easy, and is all there for me to discover the 'essence' of WHO I AM in the world; unveiling each layer by layer, to discover more of my SELF.

Do I have to pay attention to everything? NO! YET what I am learning is that I am not always going to be able to attach meaning or language to what is moving through my body. I just flow with it, moment to moment, breathing in and out. What has been useful for me is to change the type of breathe - the water breathe has been effective for me to go into, a very uplifting breathe and incredible movement and flow happens to me.

Lately I have declared a vision for myself. It is no coincidence that Amy McNaughton and I have decided to share our own NEW experience once a month on our blogging. Amy is very separate from what she is experiencing and I am doing what pulls me. Where it will be fun for me, is just the "FRESHNESS" of something new and how excited about life - even more, adding a new dimension to my life!

What has come up for me lately, is once I have created SPACE in my body - what happens? AM I feeling SAFE?
I believe I can go back into habit/default because that is what feels comfortable, familiar and safe in my body, even though it may not be serving me, nor feeling comfortable in my body (for example such as "depression" - the last of whatever 'residual energy' wants to stick like crazy glue: and I experienced this this week - for about four hours near the end of the huge wave, I sat with this incredible feeling of "sadness" - what I now know, and what I didn't know a year ago pre-WEL-Systems has made a difference to me - in this past year, all the time I have spent reading, being in programs and experiencing life differently - allowed me to stay with this intense 'feeling' of sadness this week - I now know it has left my body and before last year I would of shut it down with eating in excess, hoping it to go away, and just continue to feel sad and not know there is a different way for me to move through my world.)

So know that I have created SPACE and my life is so amazing - I am up for change in my routine! I am adding a new dimension to my life - not making it hard, or expensive or something that is so unachievable I want to give up...no, this is going to be 'effortless" "enjoyable"'something that I want/desire to do" and it is going to be something totally different than want I have experience ever before in my life...do something out of the "ordinary" for me! Or maybe do something that was always been in my mind and never came to reality for me.

So this may require me to "JUST TAKE"!

WOW, does that bring up a lot of STUFF for me. For me to "JUST TAKE" in order for me to be happier, more joyful, more alive! How dare I "just take" when i have been taught to "wait" for everyone to get their share before I took more. And then be disappointed because after 11 other people took there was no more.

Man, my belief now, is there is so much abundance that it is up to each individual to "just take" what they want. Trust me, this has been the biggest break through for me this week. I am grateful to Louise LeBrun for creating her new CD on "Leadership Redefined~Reclaimed an Emerging Futures Conversation" because what has been consistent to me all week is spending time listening to these CD's - every CD that I put on, spoke to me, and gave me more clarity about what I was going through at that moment- it is a different way of thinking that makes so much sense, so if I didn't have these CD's, I believe I wouldn't be experiencing the huge clarity I have now.

Last week, and again from the conversations that the new CD presented - I had this huge awareness of "insert" - now, that may not mean anything to someone else, and how huge it was for me. From "inserting" myself an amazing gathering of women got together for meaningful conversation! Imagine! I created that by "inserting" myself!

So where am I going with all of this....i don't know...and I know that I needed to blog today...everything is always connected I believe - and I am so happy to say, that I am able to say their is a bigger picture and our lives get fuller!!! We may not always have all the parts in our awareness...the water breathe is great for me to pay attention to right now...Yahoo! As I think of the possibilities of something NEW in my life to discover!!!

SPACE - I give myself for ME!

2008-05-24T11:49:00.001-07:00

Here it is in the middle of the afternoon. Today, my body feels like it is "shooken" up and just wants to lay down. So, I listened. I layed down on the couch and fell asleep for an hour this afternoon. My husband wanted to go, and do some out in the truck kind of stuff with me, and I told him, no, I need to take some space for myself. He understood completely, and that would not of been the case a while back.

How my life is so much more meaningful to me now, to be present to myself, and to do the things that are pulling me, and not do the things that are pulling someone else. I just have to listen to me. Wow, how so effortless and now that I am up from my nap (taking time for myself) that I feel refreshed, renew, and have energy to get up and blog and then...

Right now, I am hearing close people in my life with many dis..eases. I just found out this week that my sister that died, her best friend has breast cancer. My husband's brother-in-law's sister has 'pancreatic cancer". My own brother-in-law has leukemia and at the end of his treatment and still getting many blood transfusions. Does this surprise me as all these people are in their fifties and early sixties?

My own belief is that these people want to continue living yet they are going into a smaller and smaller box - that defines their life as "hopeless". Society has this huge fear of it as"devastating". You only have a month to live - like how the hell can anyone say that to anyone?

How much fear there is out there because no longer can that model of the world find any resolution. Oh, yeah, things do become better...my question is, can you find resolution in the body that actually metabolizes residual energy and allows space to be created in the body? To become more!!!

This is not hard at all (and our intellect and the fear in society believes it is hard) I myself have gone through this process and I must say I have reclaimed my health back. One thing that is getting clearer to me...is the importance to me, to allow myself SPACE.

Getting rid of stuff that our bodies know is not serving us or creating DIS-EASE. Does this need to be a fast process, NO! And is it, YES! Yet what is important to me, is taking my life back for MYSELF.

Funny how, if only we would pay attention to ourselves - and the impulses that move through our own bodies then... WOW, imagine living in the here and now. The earth would be so much calmer and our lives would have way more meaning then worrying about the next person that is going to get a dis-ease. NO, I am not talking about "white light and forgiveness" kind of stuff. I am talking about being true to MYSELF. Allowing all the four different types of breath to move in my body, whenever and however it unfolds.

The focus would be so much different then what we focus on right now. I want to stop right here and dream....imagine! I say Imagine my Life! Imagine your Life!

I am sure that colors would be more vibrant, people would be more "awake" to what they were doing in their everyday life, and I can't even begin to dream about how different life would be. I can have all of this right now. I can have all of this right now!

Something that comes up, is Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz - all she had to do to get home, was believe she was home - hmm, I ask myself, which choice do I want?

For me, I ponder, 'cause now there are many possiblities for me!

Something that I only DREAM about in my mind, is now a REALITY for me!

2008-05-17T13:12:00.000-07:00

Over these last couple of weeks I have been going through some 'uncomfortable' ways - it is something very familiar to me yet something that I am paying attention to because it is so hidden, sticky, and does not want to be brought to the surface, and has stopped me in my tracks to not go forward...I always have had these body responses in my life, yes, many times...this time I am inviting SPACE (which I have given myself these past two weeks...) allowing,

Movement...Flow....

I know the familiar response in my body and always quickly allowed it to settle back down to where it wants to go...it may be like a 'fear' or even many 'fears' and I am certain that even though it is brought to my awareness I choose to 'get rid of it quickly', 'hold it back down', 'avoid the sensation in my body so it will go away', 'no way it is not about me', 'turn away from it' and the list goes on...
I wonder if these responses is what many refer to the 'black' side of myself and many of us believe we have and don't want to go towards these 'feelings' - and you know what, I don't believe it is 'black' at all because this is the information that will 'free' me of my 'uncomfortable' ways I know to be true in my body...

Something interesting happen to me this week...as you know, I am from a family of twelve. We all "came to the dinner table" each night to gather, and most important to each of us, to eat. If we didn't make it to the dinner table than the pickings were slim in the fridge. Sooo, in my body it has never made sense to me, to not take a place at the table - man, I never wanted to be left with not much to eat. This is not bad, good, right or wrong - no, we didn't go days without food, food was the first priority for my father and mother - I believe my parents went grocery shopping everyday or at least every second day. What I am saying, that after dinner not too was to be had, so the number one logical answer was, you brought yourself and placed yourself at the table.

What has clicked for me this week is the word "insert". Yes, we did come to the table but not always were we heard. Some of us were quiet, some of us were loud and some of us you just wanted to hurry up and leave the table so the conversation wouldn't center around those individuals. Oh man, what chaos!!! And there was lots of meaningful times around the dinner table.

Okay...The word insert - the definition in the Oxford Dictionary - "INSERT" - place, fit, thrust, in (thing in, into another, between edges etc.)

This week 'it' did feel good in my body to 'insert' myself, and funny enough, pouf, it took on a whole new way on it's own. It is very clear to me that by 'inserting' myself something was born. Do I make a difference? Yes, I do when I 'insert' myself, and not when I don't 'insert' myself? hmm, interesting...

Before, I was willing to come to the table, and for me, it meant a lot to come to the table, yet it wasn't the 'whole'. I now have the awareness that coming to the table wasn't enough for me - it was 'inserting' myself that my life has catapulted into a open loop accelerating emerging future. Something that I only dreamed about in my mind, of what I wanted/desired/needed is now a reality for me. And all I did was "insert' myself.

I never could understand, and I must say most of my life, why people overlooked me when I just came to the table. So I was that 'high energy' person yet never did I show my edges.

I think about me, in my past, and you know what, i was wonderful but I wasn't clear on what I was willing to do, and what I was willing not to do. So that rippled out into my world and i appeared to be 'confused' or whatever... After all, what makes me 'light up now' is that I am really 'loving' ME and that not only am I that, I too have many edges. Oh man, I can just sob right now because, right now it is an amazing place for me to be...the sobs are "tears of joy" not sadness....

Edges, we all have them, and what I am finding out is that it is making my life more meaningful to live - and the people that love me are finding I am more enjoyable to live with. Hmm, quite the opposite to what I believed all my life. No, I don't have to 'punch someone' or 'scream at someone' that is not what i am taking about showing my edges - It is more about the strength of my voice, not caving in on myself, giving up on myself, the clarity in my thoughts and just 'loving' ME!

Who better than you, can be YOU!!!!

How Different "MOTHER's DAY" MEANS TO ME! W

2008-05-15T07:19:00.000-07:00

Hmm, funny how I have wanted/desired/needed to blog over this past week, and how I choose not to do so....one thing that is very clear to me right now is that I am giving myself SPACE...what does that mean for me? Oh, of course, I always allow myself the space to just "Allow" and "Invite" or DO I always or just when it is in my awareness?

How busy I can become with all those things that I believe I need to do - you know, that make me a wonderful wife, wonderful mother, wonderful friend, wonderful sister, wonderful neighbour and the list goes on - and at the end of the day, what is left for ME? "Wonderful Me?" Maybe that is why I chose to be by myself a lot because I no longer want what I had in my past anymore. And how my world is now opening up to many different possiblilities!

My experience on "Mother's Day" this year, was a very different experience that I 'have never had' in all my life, and I must say, at times during the day almost felt serville. My husband and I decided to go on a bike ride down to Dow's Lake to see the tulips (tulip festival in Ottawa is absolutely amazing - and what better way then to enjoy all the senses - then by biking and to add, it has been a long time that I have enjoyed moving my body (there would of been many rules these past couple of years (diabetes) and not to mention, if I think about the many years I spent saying "no" to my husband because of .....and I am sure you can fill in the blank. Hmm, maybe it was me not liking who I had become that was stopping me from engaging in my own life....So by riding and being out in the air I felt 'free'! "Wonderful ME!"

Now the added bonus to all of this, is that my son asked if he could join us. Yes, my twenty year old son wanted/desired to come along with our adventure. How cool is that? I must say that biking and just allowing myself to feel the different sensations in my body - air flowing by, different fragances of the blossoming trees, water flowing, children singing, people swanging on roller skates, people walking - me, moving my body and just that feeling of momentum..oh, how AMAZING! OH WHAT A FEELiNG!!!! (the song rings loudly in my head) OH WHAT A FEELING, WHAT A RUSH!!!

As we got closer to the canal, their were some people fishing and they had caught a huge fish - it was a show stopper and even the boat on the canal stopped to watch the excitment of the final stages of the people catching the fish - HOW ALIVE PEOPLE were!- they was a huge applaush when they finally caught the fish! Oh how we are HUNGRY FOR Excitment in our OWN LIVES!!!

It was astounding how many people were out taking pictures of their family, loved ones by the brilliant colours of the many different types of tulips. In that moment, tt was a SPACE that I had given to myself, that gave me such immense connectiveness to myself and to other's. We really are very different and totally the same. There was huge smiles from people and the day was glorious!

So how is this any different then any other "Mother's Day"?

I know longer have to ask for permission to enjoy the "WONDERFUL ME". I don't have to think about everyone else before myself. Is that selfish? No, because when I am so filled up with joy and wonderment that is what I can exude into my world. And that is what ripples...If I don't believe I am the one to "INSERT" myself and "STEP UP to THE TABLE" then how does anyone know that I want more in my life? Or what I want/desire/need in my life. After all, it is MY LIFE.

I am sure that my husband believes year after year that he was doing amazing things for me. And he was, but did I believe he was? Did I 'insert' myself and let him know the truth of what was meaningful to me, or did I just accept what he thought was "apporpiate" and pretended everything was okay? What kind of 'stories' did I start believeing year after year, and over time, it left me feeling isolated, not loved, not cared or valued? Do I ask my husband what are his needs/wants/desires and often we have these kinds of conversations - believe me, they are totally different then what I presume his wants/desires/needs to be.

What struck me about the day is that the three of us were doing what each of us wanted/desired/needed to do - not twisting ourselves into what the others wanted to do....and how we went to our own rhtyme - at times we were biking at different speeds, enjoying our own
SPACE and without judgement, or haste - you know maybe all the other "MOTHER'S DAYS" was one day that I allowed myself to get really "PISSEY" (whatever I would want to bump up against in my past) - typically because I was "angry" and didn't know how to let that come out. Wow, I am so glad that I am standing right here because My LIFE is so much more MEANINGFUL To me - and as a result, it is rippling out....

I AM MORE than this QUANTUM BIOLOGICAL PROCESSOR

2008-05-11T05:14:00.000-07:00

The other night at Louise Lebrun's evening, "Women Awakening" just minutes outside of Ottawa in Kanata at the Kanata Square; I believe I had an experience, I must say, that truly left me feeling uncomfortable, "jolted me" and lasted the next day, even today, yet there was a knowing deep in my tissue that something profound was/is happening in my body. Was I liking it, no, because it was the first time that I was paying attention to both what was happening in my body AND listening to my external world. Funny how I am 'thinking' (and yes, through my intellect, if somehow my possibilities are getting bigger/expanding?) This is crazy thinking because the next thing I want to say, is that the intellect is never going to give me my truth - man, if I relied on that, i could get into a lot of stories (thanks Amy McNaughton I found huge meaning for me from your last blog - and I read all your blogs that are always meaningful to me) I am sure that is what I have been doing these past couple of days - "STORIES".

During the second half of the evening Louise guided us through a "guided process". In Louise's world it is always about allow and invite - never command and control, if you are not interested in going through the guided process than that is great, and if you are interested in going through the guided process that is great as well. It really is, for me, to listen to my own body - nobody else. One thing that Louise spoke about is that in all her years of doing this (40 years) that she knows that if the person either chooses to do the guided process or not do the guided process YET continues to stay in the room, their life changes. I must agree from my own experiences.

Instinctively my body has an knowing to do whatever this "quantum biological processor" needs to process at this moment. In fact, it is a relief to my body because it is so pleased to be given SPACE - something that in our busy lives we never allow SPACE to expand our core, so that the information can then move freely, not tightly that it presses up against my inflated core...and man that is crazy making stuff to me, because then I begin to be lead by my brain intelligence and not my intelligence of my whole body. Creating SPACE, MOVEMENT and FLOW is how simple and easy it is!!! There is no stuggle and my body knows...it just knows...

I am much more than this "Quantum Biological Processor" and when I am fully connected to WHO I AM - I AM Loads of Love and Laughter with an EDGE - my life is effortless and my life unfolds purposefully exactly how I intended...

I am organic and what that means to me, is that I can choose moment to moment. I am not mechanical and need to be fixed - bringing myself to a 'dealership' for them to fix my machine so it is up and running again. No, I live in this 'quantum biological processor' and I choose moment to moment to either listen to what is moving through me or not pay attention to what is moving through me. What thrills me is that I can 'quantum leap' my evolution or choose to have incremental changes, that yes, both move me forward into my emerging future. The question for me that lights me up is: Who am I? Which do I choose? Who is this Possible Authentic ME? Maybe I choose to not move so quickly with my emerging futures at times because I need to allow myself the SPACE to metabolize the huge amounts of information that is being presented to me. Yes, I can have some "quiet time" for ME.

Friday I did just that. I had some "quiet time" for me, by myself. I just allowed things to happen
as they happened. If I wanted to chat with someone...Pouff - the phone rang and it was exactly who I wanted to talk with and share with. If I wanted to rest, I did. If I wanted to email, I did. I do know whatever happened on Thursday night was profound, potent for me, and I still have no clarity. That is okay!!!

The next "Women Awakening" is on the 10th of September from 7 to 10 in Kanata, Ontario. This is only a suggestion, and if this is sparking your attention, go on-line at www.WEL-Systems.com and pre-registrar, invest in yourself and only in yourself. If that seems like a long time away and you are up for something more in your life, I was just on another intensive program called "Decloaking...and living Authentically". What I liked about this program is that I visited all the body of knowledge that the WEL-Systems Institute has evolved and evolving, besides being in a Space with Louise who has created this body of knowledge, how better can that get, and you get to 'test drive' the material. Lots of SPACE is created, Movement and Flow. I am not the same person I was at the beginning of the program!!!

There is another "Decloaking...and living Authentically on the 21st to the 25 of July here in Ottawa. I am saying all of this because I didn't pay attention to the many programs that the WEL-Systems offer, at least the first nine months I moved to Ottawa, and felt very alone, ISOLATED, and how these courses have made the Life-ALTERING difference in my life - somehow, I was numb to my own SELF. Right now, I have a different way to move through my life, and honestly the way I was moving through my life before WEL-Systems was keeping me flat-lined, totally unhappy that no one would even imagine I was, to say it simply, a mere shadow of my "INCREDIBLE Magnificent Self with my imperfections".

I am going to listen today to my breathe - especially for me, when I am in the WATER Breathe - it is such an uplifting breathe in my body!

One last thought, another course that may appeal to you, because it makes sense to me, is a weekend course for the people that live out of town OR people that don't have time in their weekday right now. This course is called "Women Fully Alive" June 7th and 8th. I believe if you are reading this blog right now, you are up for something different in your OWN life! Not your husband's life, your child's life, and the list goes on, YOUR LIFE!!!

There are many courses, go on-line to discover the more that you can be and WANT TO BE. Again I say this for myself, this is the invitation that I was numb to, I believe it doesn't have to be as hard as I made it to be....today, only because society has given this one day for "MOTHER'S" whollow in the Magnificient of YOU!!! Yahoo!!!

"Dilly Dally Day" + How I Am Moving Through My World!

2008-05-07T15:43:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I was in a situation that unfolded extremely meaningful for me, actually a 'simple' solitary event, yet profound to me. Yesterday I spent time with my son, enjoying a "dilly dally day" - oh, just rhyming those words brings so much joy and enthusiasm to me...I ask myself, what does that mean to me? Dilly Dally Day....

Hmm...Well, that means to me, that I am truly 'carefree' in what I am doing - and the difference to me now, is that I continue to move forward as well, in what is important to me. I don't stop myself from not doing 'anything', 'nothing' or wait for someone, wait for something to happen, and the list goes on for "WAIT" and ironically, I am probably more resourceful to what I am wanting to do, moving through this 'carefree' way.

I am saying this out loud to myself, "yesterday I spent time with my son and I did more in four hours, for my wants and desires, then I have in the past two weeks. No, I am truly alive now, willing and able, motivated to be doing many things and that is how I move through me world with many of my wants and desires "accomplished"...yesterday paying attention and relaxing into the moment...I have this sense of utter freedom of Hmm, what next? and then poof! It happens!!!

What is coming up for me right now, this a metaphor of HOW I AM MOVING Through My World Now!

Okay back to yesterday, and why it was such a huge "hit" for me...I arrived at an apt on time and the person that I was meeting was not there. Now man, i could go deep into my iceberg and truly beat myself up...remember my fire always went inward. To add, i would not even go the route that most people would go...get mad at the person for not showing up on time and directing my "angry" outside of myself.

What I did was STOP. It became clear to me that the person, for whatever reason, was not there for the time that was intended. It is not that I didn't allow myself to get really 'mad' - i didn't even entertain the possibility. What unfolded for me is WHAT DO I WANT TO DO RIGHT NOW that will be beneficial to me. I gave myself SPACE Well, I left home without putting my make-up on. I did have moisturizer and foundation on, yet it was such a bonus for me to go into the washroom and complete my make-up. I felt great! Yahoo!!!

Now, once I came out of the washroom and I went back to see if the person had arrived. She hadn't and I found this another huge invitation to go and order some food. I went downstairs and the person was coming through the door. So, I changed my mind, and connected with this individual. Changing my mind because I said so is a way better way to live for me, than changing my mind for someone else. Okay, what is coming up for me is, how many times do I "wait" and my default is to "fill my face". Or, this particular time, I want/desire to have food and not feel guilty about eating, truly loving the moment, flavor, smell, atmosphere, sound, and yes, nourish my physical body... and then another possibility, change my mind...

None of how I behave is right, wrong, good or bad...there is intelligence for me to pay attention to...and it is very useful for me to pay attention to my own Self and POOF ...i know exactly what to do for me...there is no more "putting myself in hot coals" - this is effortless, all I do is check in with myself and ask. Simple, true to myself and how much better does my life become...

This is a belief that I would of had before yesterday...I am not allowed to have a "Dilly Dally Day", be "carefree", enjoy time with my son, all alongside with moving forward with my wants and desires. I can enjoy it ALL and ALL on the same day!!! IMAGINE That!!! Yahoo!!!!

IT IS ONLY INFORMATION IN MY BODY, FOR ME, TO DISSOLVE

2008-05-03T07:39:00.000-07:00

This past week I have been in a WEL-Systems program called "Decloaking...and living authentically!". This morning and once each month, on a Saturday morning, I am having "Conversation with Marie" in my home with other women that are looking for something that they know in their bodies, the truth of their own experience, that if they continue to live the way they are living, their own life force will be continue to leave their bodies, and is becoming just too much for them, and they would rather not live....AND the stuff that I am very aware of, NO ONE KNOWS THAT YOU ARE THIS DESPERATE!!!!

I am much clearer on my own truth, not my husband's truth, my son's truth or even how we have been taught, the absolute truth... and I have become so much clearer, in such a short time, and MAN, OH MAN, I Love Being ME!!! How can that be?

I am very clear that I have the power. No longer do I have to give away my power. Funny how we believe that everyone else has the power. Student's believe that teacher's have the power. Children believe that parent's have the power. Parent's believe that children have the power. And the list goes on and on. When is it up to me to know in my own body that I HAVE MY OWN Power? How does this happen, if I was reading this as an observer, I would think to myself, "Yeah" I have my own power... yet, I continued to become "sicker" as my life progressed. How is it that I know, right in this moment, that I have the "best" health that I ever did all my life. Oh man, how can that really be? How is that possible when I was "Insulin Diabetic" and now no longer on any medication for "Diabetes"?

What is different from "then" to "now"?

Well, it is a very different way that I move through my world/life. No one every taught me to listen to my own impulses in my body. Oh yeah, I was taught that, through my family systems, school schools, religion systems, and I am very grateful that I was aware of this notion from these systems. Yet NO ONE taught me that the difference was that this information, is for me to dissolve, for me to become clearer in who I am. Not who I thought I was, or who I believed other people wanted me to be or who I thought society wanted me to be...and just how does this "WAVE" of information move through my body or what the hell do I do when I believe my body feels like it wants to BLOW UP!

What I have learned is that "BLOW UP" intensity in my body is layer upon layer of information that I have kepted locked down, capped down, happening over my life. That I am just okay, if when I am experiencing this intensity that I just soften my belly, breathe in oxygen, concentrating my attention to the base of my spine, shoulders down, mouth closed, arms to myself (because after all, it is MY INFORMATION!!!) and I don't have to talk, about he said, she said - I just have to let the wave move through me and guess what, I didn't have to tell any stories, or reveal any details of the blaa, blaa, blaa stuff. I just had to let the body stabilize - from there I become clearer on something about me, a new insight, something appears in front of me that I had never in a zillion years could of possibly thought about before and MY LIFE EXPANDS!!!

Thanks Louise and all the women this week that I spent time with. I enjoyed each and everyone of you and know that you were a gift to me. I believe I live in a holographic universe and each one of you, are an aspect of my own consciousness - I am very grateful because now I am much more then I was on Monday morning!!!

I am very clear that I am willing to share the truth of my own experiences with other women that are wanting to re-claim their health back, and then ultimately their life back. How is it that i have a better life now, even though at many times in my life I believed I had a pretty good one, and now it is just getting bigger and better for ME!!!!FUN!!!

I enjoyed waking up this morning and finding the more ME showing up! Wow, life doesn't get any better for me, and I look forward for the MORE to come....!

Authoritative Figure?

2008-04-29T18:17:00.000-07:00

Authoritative Figure?
Well, here I am ready to explode and don't know what I am pressing up against. Life has been unfolding exactly how I have intented it to - hmm...it is good, Marie is it great, hmm....i am going to keep writing to see where this goes...i am a bit pissed off - hmm no, i should say down right angry that the doctor has told me to go on cholesterol pills (I don't even know how to spell that damn word!). How many times in my life have I been told what to do, and I do it and it is not who I really am or what I need. The doctor (authoritative figure) was very logical with his reasoning yet he said my range for cholestral is good - somehow my mind has learned to go into chaos and i seem to zoom right out of my body and look outside myself. Where I did try to stay present is that I asked him if I do go on these pills when do I come off them? - well, you know the answer....BULLSHIT i say - i am not going on the pills... these last couple of months somehow made sense to me to be able to be in converstion with a doctor to first go off insulin and now my focus is to go off the pills - my body has injested insulin for the past two years so I believe that i should allow my body to wean off the medication...hmmthe next question that i want to ask myself is how has diabetes serve me? It is going to be a question that is now more out in my consious awareness..it has allowed me to not do the things I don't want to do such as teach in the schools - i wonder, if it was pressing so up against me that I always wanted to come back to Ontario and finally I had no other choice then to tell myself the truth. I so love being near my family...oh boy, it is the waves that will bring me closer to my own truth. i must say i love the maritimes and in time, that too is home but somehow right now i am starting to be aware of earth energy - slow, stable, solid...here in Ottawa. I am mindful right now on how interesting it is on how I want to go...I am going to go for a walk right now as I love Ottawa and all it's green areas - talk soon,love and laughter,MariePS (the name that I loved growning up was one that I got to choose for myself during confirmation - it is "Louise") Funny how at that time there was no saint "Louise" as we were told to pick a name of a Saint - is there any coincidence to my thinking? LOL

Magnificient Marie
Hi!I am so proud of myself to create a blog....funny how just a few months ago I would of never even considered to allow myself to do this..hmm is that cultural conditioned stuff?Well, I am now up and running and quite excited...last night my husband and I spent time in the emergency. Wow, how my world view has changed and what I pay attention to now is so different then before...maybe before, I wasn't even awake and went through a 'coma' state and not even aware of what was happening on my holodeck.....hmm....I don't believe I have much to say today other than this is meaningful for me to start blogging...Love and laughter, Marie

Do Shape or Am I Shaped By The World?

2008-04-29T18:14:00.000-07:00

Friday, January 11, 2008

Changing my mind... changing my mind to not blog for a couple of days, changing my mind to do one thing and not the other and to my surprise, end up doing something totally different, changing my mind to not attend one "major" event in my life that I don't want to attend right now, then changing my decision to say"yes" I will attend after getting more clarity for myself, and who knows, in the end I may not want to go period or go, and enjoy the event? Changing my mind, that it is just fine that I talk about this subject even thou it has been talked about in two other blogs this week. (I use to have a huge belief that I couldn't talk about the same subject as someone else - that is "copy catting" LOL) Just allowing myself to change my mind and having no self doubts or beat-me-up conversations with myself, or no excuses that I feel very obliged to tell others, and more important, my "self" about doing so...man, I know it is more meaningful for me to be true and present to myself now then to be always giving myself away and end up running on empty - what fun was that?.....next thought that rolls out....do I really want to shape the world or be shaped by the world???? I am not here to save the world it is something very different.....am I willing to be internal referenced or am I willing to carry out the old patterns of my past and be external reference - running around like a "chicken" with my head cut off - oh, how many times have I heard that being said over my lifetime - and never really finding my "OWN" answers, that had any meaning for "ME"? Yes, I was satisfied for a while then oh man, having this longing that something was missing - no way, push that one down, what the hell should you be "unhappy" about and don't let anyone know that you are unhappy because they may think your nuts? Come on, you have a great life, husband, child blaa blaa - it is funny to me where I am standing right now, because "forever" did I blame my husband for all my woes. I am not here to say that all of us should stay with our husband/partner to death do us part, because there are many reasons that relationships need to part - for myself, I knew that it was way easier to blame him then for me, "perfect me" you know, "no flies on me" LOL, never did I look at myself to figure out even at a surface level that it could have something to do with me....oh boy, that really is a huge one for me and even now only coming into my awareness....yes, my husband does have his stuff, but what is important for me to pay attention to is "my stuff" LOL My life has become less complicated, and during one of the programs that I have taken in this past year, "Manifesting a Meaningful Life -Living Authentically" through the Wel-Systems Portal Passages Certification Intensives, I came to a realization that I no longer have to stay inside this tiny little small puny box that I had created for myself - it was "freeing" to me to even think about the possibilities - even as simple as making the box bigger...wow, another possibility was to not consider someone else's potential that I always honoured before my own - what about MY possibilities. Which way did I want to go to even entertain an idea? Something that has come up since is a vision... and who knows where it goes...I see myself in a lovely renovated farm house in the Niagara region among the vineyards, sitting on the top of the escapement overlooking the towns with a wonderful view of Lake Ontario. This farmhouse will be a place where family gather and also, I will enjoy doing programs and one-on-one meaningful conversations that people will find important to them, and their world will expand - this endeavour will not be pushing the river for me, it will be effortless, inspiring, have ebb and flow, no longer hard, and I will be so busy that I will be in a "good tired" state - hmmm, I know now, that if you put it out, beyond speaking it to myself, that this is how transformation happens. Who knows where this goes, and it is fun to be awake creating a life that is filling me up!!!

Not incremental change - I have taken a HUGE LEAP!

2008-04-29T18:10:00.000-07:00

It is interesting to me that no longer do I have this unquenchable thirst... yes, it has lasted for several months in fact, since EF:EW at Oceanstone, near Peggy's Cove, at the end of February - now, it is almost two months later, the end of April....and I am pleased for myself that I stayed with the chaos in my body and the unknown these past few months, all being certain, grounded and staying right in my body - knowing that I am perfectly okay - funny how to look back, it was huge information that was metabolizing...unlike when I had this unquenchable thirst two years ago; the medical world diagnose me as type 2"diabetic" and because my blood sugar levels didn't come down to their normal range (4 to 7) after six months, convinced me of taking insulin. I believed that insulin was the last answer and what comes next after insulin...It was a nurse in the diabetic clinic that convinced me right on the spot to take insulin. She felt since my dad had kidney failure and was on dialysis for many years that I needed to not play around and start insulin right there. Is this good, bad, right or wrong. NO!Man, the first time, which was that night, when I was taking the insulin pen - I had this deadening shiver go through my body when I ejected the needle in my stomach - for a stop gap second, wondered if I shot myself...at that point in my life, that was a huge metaphor of how I was living my life...What is coming up for me is how I looked outside myself for my own answers that are inside. How I was unable to allow myself to ask the bigger questions and to be okay in all my chaos. How I have never been taught that the amazing burning energy I feel though out my body is transforming for me, propelling me into my emerging future. How I would quickly shut down any fire moving in me. How it was not good for me to speak my truth because i would be ignored or worse, be shunned by ones that I was choosing to love or be loved by. Man, it was way easier to move completely away from everyone - and then, how fun was it when I isolated myself, even from my immediate family, my husband and son...not that anyone knew, or did they? Even as I finishing writing down that last question, how I would manipulate and worse, manipulate myself...I am very grateful for the people that have come into my life this past year. I am celebrating my 1st year anniversary of taking my first Wel-Systems course last May. Has it been easy? No, it hasn't always been easy...I stand here right now, and just marvel at how much different I am from a year ago. It is hard to believe this for myself, and I want to say that I am hugely more magnificent in my imperfections than I have ever been in my life. I always heard this, and thought it was kind of corny but I must say out loud, "that I love myself". This is the first time in my life that I can say that I love being ME. I love me with all my warts, laughter, sorrow, confusion, willing to find clarity for myself. My life has changed, no, not incremental change, yet quantum change. Quantum Leap!!! Hard to believe this can happen so quickly and it did. This can happen for each of us. All it took is to step out of my own way then show up for MY OWN LIFE!!!

When DO WE SAY ENOUGH IS ENOUGH?!!

2008-04-18T09:19:00.000-07:00

When do we say enough is enough?

I just got off the phone with my son who is leaving in a dorm and writing his final exams this week. He had a lot of "fire breathe" moving in him; and thank my lucky stars I know what I know now - over this past year of taking many of the courses through the Wel-Systems Institute I no longer am fearing what he had to say, nor shy away from what he wants to say, moving right into those tough conversations, yet very clear, it was an amazing invitation for me -yes, for him to discover more about him, and more importantly for me, bringing it back to me, TO FIND OUT MORE ABOUT ME!

Even though I make it very clear that I no longer want that, it continues to creep into my life - how is that?

How when I speak my truth and say NO MORE that it continues!!!

How do I change my life when my physical environment cannot be changed? Something that is coming up about my son, is how does he not be part of something, when he clearly doesn't want to be part of it, yet still is - hitting him hard in the face?

I cannot always change my physical environment yet looking up logical levels can change my thinking...and how quickly everything "dissolves"

And amazing conversation I had was, which would I rather be? " my culturally conditioned self - the self; I feel everyone wants me to be, or I have taught myself through the culturally conditioned process throughout the many systems that we all go through, family systems, school systems, work systems etc. to be or WOW, "who is the unleashed me" "the possible ME"?

So, growing up I had a lot of rules about respecting others, love they neighbour, make sure everyone else is okay....

WELL "BULL SHIT" to that...

it is very clear to me that i did all of that, it spite of MYSELF. Not listening to my wants and desires yet always concerned about others. This is not right or wrong, good or bad, and I know lately it left me with a very punning life that was getting unbearable to live.

I am approaching my 25th wedding anniversary and my 1st anniversary since I have been taking courses through the WEL-Systems Institute. I move through my life very differently now, over this past year, listening to what is moving inside of me. Both of these anniversaries have profound meaning for me, and I am announcing this to the world - I AM HAPPY TO BE ME!!!!!!
And I am no longer LEASHED down!!!

This time I am going to celebrate over some weeks - when I feel the pull in me I am going to celebrate - for myself and yes, maybe even by myself! No longer am I going to just lock down, and the time passes me by...This will be very new for me to do....to claim!!!

I haven't been always good at celebrating things and there is some truth for me - my birthday is two days after Christmas and I am from a family of 12 - who wants to celebrate anything two days after Christmas, most people are snoring on the couch on the 27th of December.

I guess what is coming up for me is that I will re-visit the "Evolution By Intention" on the WEL-Systems web site. One intention that is meaningful to me right now, is that it is none of my business what anyone else thinks of me...

As always, this has been useful for me to blog today - checking in - I believe my breathing has been higher in my body and not allowing myself to breathe deep into the base of my spine. Hmm, I will pay attention to that...

HOW DARE ME TO HAVE WANTS AND DESIRES!!!

2008-04-15T04:53:00.000-07:00

Something has happen in my life that is absolutely life altering for me....and my response in my body is to not share? What is this all about? Why do I want to not claim this immensely huge "fire breathe" energy for myself - and who do I become as it ignites and glows to it's full potential!!!

Yesterday, I decided to spring clean and in that process, take all my diabetic needles, return the used needles container, insulin that I haven't used since last September, and my used insulin pen to the pharmacy to depose of. I guess I thought it was no big deal and the pharmacist took all my supplies and didn't say a word to me. In the past, I could of been externally rewarded with the notion that it was not a big deal and be okay in my intelligent while the intelligent of my body would be screaming (that I would hold down).

From there I was heading to the gym to do my workout. Well, my body was just vibrating when I was working out - i found it funny, and thought to myself, what is going on?

I wondered if I was tired and just was not up to working out. I engaged in conversation with a women also working out that has "MS" and we talked about, "me, being no longer diabetic" and how because she is in a wheel chair, there are not many people that will talk to her. I am so up for those meaningful conversations...

I then talked to the owner of the Gym and told her about what I had just done at the pharmacy.
Her hold face just lite up and she shcrieked with joy, "Good for you!!!" I said to her that it was peculiar that I didn't feel like working out, and she replied, "no wonder!!!".

At that moment, I realized the immensely meaningful, taking my life back, freedom that I now experience, my journey that I have been on over this past year, actually since this month a year ago - Wow, i must say, HOW QUICKLY MY LIFE HAS CHANGED... Thanks to the programs I took through the WEL-Systems Institute. How different my life really is, and how whole I am with all that has happen to me in my life up to this point. WOW! I marvel at the magnificent of my OWN journey, and it has all brought me to this place I am standing in right now. My life is not happening to someone else or "out there" it is happening to me "in here".

I had a recent conversation with a person I value their opinion (guess what, we all have a belly button, LOL) and I talked about, how I am in "HUGELY" better health now, then even before I got diabetes. How can that be? I believe my health is better then even when I was in my twenties...

Funny how quickly I can dismiss this hugely important "Naming It" "Claiming It" process - that I'm not even paying attention to, yet yesterday MY BODY WAS VIBRATING WITH HUGE EMANCIPATION!!!

Go figure, I thought I was done with "Diabetes" last fall....yesterday, when my husband came home I told him what I did and he was also elated. Something I am truly missing and at the same time, really getting - he said that it was my final end to even the thought of "diabetes" by returning all the supplies and by getting all the supplies out of the house. He wondered if by having them still in the house if I was truly holding onto to something. Believe me, I didn't think about it that way, and yes, it was true in my body...

Right now, I feel a "sadness" go over me...it is not about what I have come to, but how did "diabetes" serve me...how was it purposeful in my life? How did all those rules about structure and timing truly serve me? Was it that no one notice me, or bigger one, "DID I NOT NOTICE MYSELF"? How many times in my life have I forgotten about me, and MY DESIRES or WANTS for the sake of someone else's or I believed someone else's came first.

I know that there is an amazing incredible human being and life force in me that has huge potential, and how have I continued to hold it down? You know what, is how time after time, i continued to get locked in, held down, in my life because I was a women. No I am not a women's liber nor a men hater...This is not good, bad, right, or wrong yet this is something that I am coming more conscious with. What have I been stopped from by doing because I had the culturally conditioned beliefs, values and attitudes of this Industrial Age society. I think back on the Victoria Era and how here in Canada, US and Britain how we thought of men and women - Separate Sphere's - men were in the domain of the keepers of the task and women keepers of the religion, nuturer's, family. No wonder ALL of us are screaming at this point because no longer do any of us want to continue with these SET roles!!!!
Trust me, there are a lot of man in my life that want to be engaged in and are up for absolutely meaningful conversations that matter to them!!!

When I was 40 I went up against a panel to get accepted into the Bachelor of Education program. At that time there were 900 possible applications with 60 seats available. During that panel I spoke up and ask the question, "why is it, that my brother, who is 11 months older than me, a lawyer, and here I am 40, still trying to get into this program?"

Yes, the possibilities of being a lawyer was there for me as well but was it? I do believe he worked very hard to where he is right now, in his life, and why did I give up on myself to my own possibilities? I know in my being that I have huge possiblities for "ME" that have not even be touch as yet....

I stand at now, and look into my emerging future...there are so many possibilities that are opening up for me - my path, and yes there can be many pathways to personal "power" that can be taken - and how, it makes sense of all the things, situations, hurts, joys, travel to many places, lived in many places, met many different people in my life, has all taken me to this place, to exactly how purposeful my life is NOW!

Yes, I open up to the many possiblities that I have of my own WANTS and DISIRES? This is not about the desires and wants I had for my son, I have let go of that notion - no, he is on his own journey and very capabile of creating what his own desires and wants - he is just fine, and life is way better for me to be living in my own body - not to my surprize, he wants to live his own life, and is becoming closer to me because I have given up that "mother role" that was keeping us locked down in punny, controlling yucky existence. I am very proud of him as he motors on through his own stuff, and elated for him as he choose to participate in and International
Student Volunteer Program this summer for a month in New Zealand!!! Now how much better does life get when you listen to your own impluses!!!

A huge sigh - i believe "relief" - I thank myself for listening to my own impluses, moment to moment, over this past year, not always easy, yet WOW where I am standing now, is UNBELIEVABLE TO ME!!!!

IT IS AS SIMPLE AS BREATHING ALLOWING ME TO KNOW WHO I AM CAPABLE OF BECOMING

2008-04-14T06:47:00.000-07:00

This morning when I woke up, I woke up to birds singing...i layed there for awhile and just listened...i began to think about the winter i just experienced here in Ottawa, on how intense it was with lots of snow - i don't know if we reach the record that was set in 1970-71 and who cares; yet a huge metaphor for me on how I am living my life... I am realizing that I am okay, because I am "awake" and that my life will unfold purposefully....it is interesting to me how the snow is melting slowing, without too many floods, with the combination of rainy days, (lots of melting days), days that are "breaks" from melting (below zero F), and days that are just a consistent, yet manageable melting - am I fed up with the snow still hanging around, YES, and am I surprised, NO. I am waiting in anticipation for the Spring to arrive...and has it already arrived, even though there is snow still here? Yes, this is a huge awareness for me, just this past sentence, wondering how many times in my life I "WAIT" for something to end, for something to begin?

I wonder with even just my breathe, on how I "wait" for my breathe to end, before I allow another to come in. Hmm, what are the different ways I breathe? This is not about the different types of breathe yet how do I really breathe? I know at times i breathe deep into the base of my spine and allow moment. Now, which way do I choose; do I always breathe that way when something that I find difficult - to not breathe towards yet, stop breathe, or turn away?

It is not any harder to get from one deep breathe to another and know that I will find more clarity of Who I am capable of becoming? It is that simple. Yet, do I always allow myself to "STOP" and allow my breathe to go deep into the base of my spine - allowing whatever needs to happen, happen?
I am blogging for a reason, that is because, it is giving a different vibration for me - to delve deep into the tissue of my own body, and experience the truth of my own experience...

Instead of paying attention to breathe going into my body, something that I am so clear about, I will pay more attention to the breathe that is leaving my body?...and who knows where that will take me...breathing out....

THAT IS THE STUFF, I BELIEVE, MAKES US ILL...

2008-04-12T06:32:00.000-07:00

Last night I went out to a dinner to my husband's co-workers home, and another couple was there as well. It is interesting for me on how fast my life is going and how awake I am to it. The conversation around the dinner table at first was some of the "water-cooler" talk and how I looked at that differently. It was interested to me, for me, to be around this type of talk because I had totally excluded myself these past seven years to the point of isolation - so this type of talk has not been even in my 2 foot radius - of course, I was very clear that there is intelligence to every behaviour - no exempt!

A little later around the dinner table, one of the men spoke up and was taking about how his neighbours continue to call him for odd jobs and he is consumed by it. Again, I opened my mouth and shared with him a conversation that came up for me last week, and I am going to say it again, because I leave in a holographic universe,

when do I say "no" and mean "no"
when do I say "yes" and mean "yes"
when do I say "no" and mean "yes" (hmm, interesting those also are lost opportunities...)
WHEN DO I SAY "YES" AND MY BODY IS SCREAMING "NO"!

I was honest and true to myself and said, "that is the stuff, I believe, that makes us ill". By this time I could see that he was looking down at his dinner plate - he replied, "oh, I will just get my wife to say "no" for me". I again spoke up and said, "from my own experience, that too will make you sick - when I stand tall in whom I am, and truly draw the line in the stand for me - people are certain of my intentions and situations go away from me - no hiding, no avoiding, no nothing...end of story PERIOD

And I shared with him, the beauty of all of this, what I have found true to me, is that I didn't have to make up big, untrue stories, or excuses, or be nasty, or have a big argument. It was pure and simple, "no".

What I am also very clear about, is that I can change my mind...if I happen to not want to today, then all I have to say is, "no, not today".

This week has been an amazing week for me. I have had many conversations that have made a difference in someone's life because they told me so. I am doing an information session next weekend and last night gained so much information about where and how to contact the military and the universities.

I didn't push the river and life unfolded for me - I am even getter clearer on the meaning of "life unfolds exactly as it needs to" - there has been amazing Purpose for me - my life just gets bigger...all I do each morning is ask this question, "how does the lifeforce that I am, choose to live today"...

Aloha! I send to my family in Hawaii right now!

love, laughter and FUN!!!!

oh breathing is good right now!!!

Stepping Up To The Plate for MYSELF Will Enrich MY OWN LIFE, FIRST!!!!

2008-04-09T16:11:00.000-07:00

Something has come into my awareness, in particular, two words, that, maybe I am not using them the way I intend them to, to make meaning for myself....

I often find correcting myself, "no I don't need anything.."

Okay, this was even a lesson plan I would do when I taught...the two words are, "want" and "need"... maybe I have attached these words to my intelligent...?

Before I go on, I know that even though I believe I have them clear in my intelligent, I might surprise myself that I have them anchored to many or some events/situations throughout my life, that are still in the cells of my body that I have locked down...no longer serving me, yet still when I verbalize, say them out loud, and experience conflict, with"need". Funny how, it doesn't end up being the truth of what I believe for myself..right away my body knows that something is not the same as how my words are coming out...and I will pay attention to my body - is this my fire going inward? Do I say this without listening to how my body is? Is this a "culturally conditioned" response that I have a belief in me, that someone will support me?

From the Concise Oxford Dictionary, Seventh Edition, the following two definitions are:

WANT: 1.lack, absence, deficiency, of (ship rotting for want of paint; took this for want of anything better; shows great want of thought, care, sense, judgement) 2. need of, need of sustenance, poverty, (is in want of money, a gardener; living in great want) 3. desire for thing held necessity to life or happiness's or success or completion, thing so desired, (a man of fews wants; meets a long-felt want; can supply your wants

NEED: 1. v.t. stand in need of, require. 2. be under necessity or obligation to or to do (it needs to be done with care; need you ask?; (ellipt.) don't be away longer than you need): (in 3 sing, pres, neg. or interrog. need without to: he need not trouble himself; need she have come at all?. colloq.) it needn't, or doesn't need to be finished;~not have done, did not need to do) 3. v.i. (arch) be necessary; it~s not, it is needless; more than~s, than is necessary.

I don't know where my blogging is going with this...the two definitions are not resonating with me...

I am playing, "want" - the absent of the present? I am liking the definition of the ship rotting for want of paint....

hmm, this is starting to make sense to me....what do I "WANT" to do that will help my "business" grow - "ship rotting for want of paint"

I am in the body right now, what do I want, that maybe I am not paying attention to, that will move my business forward...

I am very aware that I listen to my impulse, moment to moment, and engage - lots is happening there...

AND i know there are a few things that I want to do, not need to do, that will make a difference to me...

So I will talk about "need" - WOW what is coming up is that the word "NEED" may completely be dissolved and never be used - I certainly know that I don't "need" anything....

Do I need to couple these two words together? Are they polar opposites for me? I am going to listen to myself and pay attention to my situation I am in at that moment, or just simply why I am choosing to use "need" and if I continue to use the word, "want".

This blog feels like there is no connection, and I do know that by paying attention to what is coming up now, there may be something just behind, that brings more meaning/clarity to me....

I am very clear of who I am, so this type of playing does not confuse me anymore...as it has done in the past...this is sparking my curiosity because I still correct myself when I hear myself say, "need"...

One question I will ask again using the word, "need" , "is this a 'Culturally Conditioned' response I believed, that I will be supported throughout my adult life?

This is not good or bad, right or wrong, but very useful for me right now because maybe this is coming into my awareness now - AND I NO THAT I AM FINE ON MY OWN - no, I am very happy with whom I with, yet know that stepping up to the plate for MYSELF will enrich MY OWN LIFE first!!!

Lots of confusion writing this blogg and very certain that I am grounded...there is no more drama - and yes I am experiencing INTENSITY!!! My fire is burning with glowing intensity...

Unquencable Thirst for my Awaken Journey....

2008-04-07T14:34:00.001-07:00

In this past month, I have noticed that I have this unquenchable thirst for something more...it is clear to me that that something more is, authentic"Me". Not that me of the past, and that is not right or wrong, good or bad yet me RIGHT NOW and looking up into my emergying FUTURE. Yes, how simple and yet how hard I have made it.

This morning I bloged and you no what, when I saved it, it didn't save. I was at first mad at myself and then quickly went to a place of "surrender'. Not the white light and forgiveness stuff - man, I was too firey to forgive yet to really surrender.

Hmm, there is a difference and I am very aware...let me go to the dictionary and look up the definition of "surrender".... from the Winston Canadian dictionary..."to yield (oneself) to an influence or emotion:-v.i. to yield or give up the struggle:n. the act of yielding to an outside influence: also the giving up of a claim or privilege.

This is interesting for me, and I am in a very different place then even a month ago. I am clear that I have stop looking outside myself for answers, outside "absolute" questions and turned inward to my own truth. Wow, simple yet I made it hard....

Struggle is another word that I have collasped...i had the belief that if I didn't struggle then it wasn't worth pursuing...funny how now, floating down stream with the current is a lot easier then pushing upstream.

There is a simple nursey rhyme song, "Row, row, YOUR boat. GENTLY DOWN the stream. Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, LIFE IS 'Bout A DREAM"!

Right now, I am okay to not continue to blog...it is okay for me to change my mind that I am not wanting to do this right now...all I need to do is breathe deeply into the base of my spine...

Do I need a Mother? Hmm, does my son need a mother?

2008-04-01T09:33:00.000-07:00

I had an awareness two weekends ago that has left me "empty". It has be rumbling around in me and even though I know I don't have to judge, beat myself up, feel 'betrayed' or whatever...
it is the truth of my OWN experience.
Maybe I am waking up to something that I have always been numbed to? I really am fine, yet, know that if I don't have the experience in my own body, then, how do I even connect with someone that has the same experience in their body?
A huge question for me is one I turn towards, and yes, it is Compelling for me....

Do I need a mother?

and Does my son need a mother?

This past year, I have played with these notions and have left them every time with not moving to the next place - yes, a place of 'freeing' myself which allows my son and my mother to live bigger lives and not make them small - and yet, I was choosing not to do so. Something deep inside of my wanted to keep to my known past that I felt a comfort zone with, and knowing that my life will not get bigger, if I don't 'free' myself and allow my son, to stand in the magnificent of his imperfections, and ...this one is in harder right now, allow my mother to stand in who she truly is -not who I think she should be...wow!
Yes, i have always seen the potential of having my mother as a great friend, and not as a mother. Somehow, because I am from a family of twelve, my mother was my oldest sister that died eight years ago. I miss Kathleen beyond words, and know that it is okay to go on - something that is coming to me is that this is the time frame that I started to really get sick - "depression", my "PMS" reved up LOL!!! and the "diabetes" - isolation from everyone even my own immediate family...my son commented on how I retreated to the bedroom and locked everyone out...

Okay let me go back to my mother, when do i step up to the plate and fire myself as a daughter?...i don't believe when I am 48 years old that I have to connect with her as a daughter, yet, in my past always connected on a different capacity - we shared great laughter when I was living with my family - and my father use to comment - lots of yellow sunshine was brought into the home through our heighten laughter. She is a gift to me for this immense joy and humor I experience in my body. the question I have for myself is, she has so much to give me, as I do to her, why not get on with getting rid of those punning boundaries that put me into a box...it makes me feel small and as if I never grew up when I continue to play this dance of mother/daughter... it is just that easy to fire myself as a daughter, her as not my mother - and I will experience this relationship differently?

Today's blogging is so useful for me, yet something that is making me spin like a spin top....i know that the waves I had during writing this blog has already propelled me into my future...who knows where it takes me, and I know the ride is FUN now!!! I will continue to pay attention to my breathing even more then I normally do...my guess is that I will be wanting to hold it quite a bit...LOL!!!

When do I say "Yes" when my body is screaming "NO"

2008-03-31T06:19:00.000-07:00

Well I have been away from blogging for awhile, don't know why, and I don't need to even use my logic to ask why, it is just so.

So much is happening to me in my life. My life has done a quantum leap and it has moved with that momentum since the EF:EW (www.WEL-Systems.com) at Oceanstone near Peggy's Cove, Nova Scotia just over a month ago - is it possible just a month? and yet it feels like a long time ago...

My husband and I have been going to ballroom dancing these past months and it wasn't fun for us. Before I would "stick it out" until the end of the course. We looked at each other last week and said, "are you having fun" and "are you having fun" and the answer was "no". I am not finishing the ballroom dancing course. Period.

I heard myself talk to someone on Friday...the conversation at one point went like this...where in my life do I say "Yes" and mean "Yes"; where in my life do I say "No" and mean "No; Where in my like do I say "No" and mean "Yes" and it took a minute for me to get this one out...where in my life do I say "Yes" and mean "No".

Yes, I believe I am hugely different then I was a year ago, even a month ago, even last Friday, my life is not only back to a joyful life, I am living FULLY now! Everything, my zest for life, chaotic grounded wonderment, and the don't "fuck" with me stuff - that last statement may sound abrupt with profanity yet ... (and I am sure the first awareness for me in my body, and then I become more certain on how to speak my "ENTIRE" truth) All this is encompassing for me, and makes me WHOLE... I am no longer that pale looking human being that only believed that by being "kind", "nurturer", "understanding", "loving" and the list goes on, that I was taught in my family, school systems, work place etc believeing that that would bring fulfillment - no, that way was only making me sicker....

I am coming into an awareness that before I was "asleep" to. Listening to the new CD's Leadership Redefined ~ Reclaimed an Emerging Futures conversation (you can find them at www.WEL-Systems.com go to "store" to invest in yourself), I am finding myself, even though I am up for huge intensity, the convesations to be potent!!! Yes, so powerful and having great influence on me!! I can either choose to sit back and let my life run its course or step up to my own life...no, this is not about saving the world, this is about finding meaningfulness in MY own life that I can "jumped" out of bed each morning and ask myself, "how do I choose to live today?"

It is only through letting the impluses in my body to move, moment to moment, that my life becomes bigger...

I only have this body and that is IT!!!

2008-03-18T06:32:00.000-07:00

I believe I am waking up to something that is just 'right' in my body. Maybe I have been knowing this for years - NO MAN!!! it is nothing weird, out-there, something secret that I have to keep to myself because of fear of what other's may think that I am right off the wall...it is something that I know that I am in a safe place...more certain of who I am, and by choosing moment to moment, life will unfold into a bigger open loop. And I know that if I don't choose moment to moment, don't choose living in the now, that my life will be absolutely "havoc"....
I don't know where this will go, and I am curious to what is in me, about this notion that sparked my attention last night. I spoke to a girlfriend yesterday and she suggestion I listen to the conversations that Oprah and Eckhart (his new book released is called, A New Earth) - up to this point it hadn't sparked my attention and i said to myself, why not?
I took time and the space I needed to listen to what was being said. Somehow, I know that I am in a different worldview, that is not right or wrong, bad or good, and I no that is the truth of my own experience. When I studied in university we talked about Maslow's hierarchy. At the bottom you have Survival (meeting the basic needs) and you climbed all the way to the top (mind you it is believed that not many reach Actualization). There is no moving fluidly up and down at different times of your day, week, month, or year. What makes sense to me is that I do want to be at the ground level, the environment level, truly present to myself, when I am crossing a busy street with lots of traffic during rush hour. Man, we all know what happens to us when we are not paying attention...And there are other times where I can have my attention in the spiritually realm, choosing a safe environment, dropping my attention to the base of my spine allowing my breathe to flow deeply in and out of my body...
Something that I have learned over this past year taking the many WEL-Sytems programs is that I only have this body - that is it. I only know what is going on in my body, no one else's because that is not where i live - I only live in mine. What is coming out of my mouth, what I am pressing up against, what I'm not pressing up against (that is the beauty of this, is I no longer press up against things that use to drive me crazy and there is more - because I have been taught to metabolize that information) - no one in my whole life has every even spoke briefly about this - Yes, I am well read in many books, I was always searching for something that was so hungry inside of me, and I finally listen to myself to just give up because I had exhausted every possibility! WOW, that is where I turned my 'fire energy' inward.
I am finding it really 'neat' right now because i am starting to get an awareness that is making sense to me....it is not about the times it really did not matter to me - it was the times, that I was high energy searching for something that was so "hungry" in me - no one, understood what I was saying, because I only could explain it in my body - and people turned away because of 'whatever' and I was left with this unquenchable thirst inside of me...it is like when I was seven, laying in the ditch of my family home, starring up at the sky and knowing that there is something greater then me...i know there is one other person that is reading this right now that has that same experience in their bodies...yes, I am waking up!!!
I thought that I would feel great at the end of this blog today and somehow it has stirred up many more questions....

How is it that I no longer have "Diabetes"?

2008-03-13T06:30:00.000-07:00

Well, my life is moving so fast right now - gathering many tidbits of information, that I am writing down, because I don't have a clue how they are ever going to piece together, yet, I know that they will.

These past few days, having my brother-in-law in my home, as a guest, has been a huge invitation for me to reflect on how amazing and bigger my life has become over this past year!

He is my husband's younger brother and has observed my life over these past 25 years.
No, there is no judgement or analyzing yet he is just ELATED for me!

He told me that he has never seen me as happy as I am right now. (yes, i do believe I have had times that I was happy over these past 25 years) and he is just in awe that I no longer have 'diabetes' in my life, among other 'illness' that I had developed over the years. In fact, he is a saleperson that sells books and was talking to a client yesterday about me. She felt that people in her area (just outside of Ottawa) are not as quick to buy 'spiritual' books because they are probably more adapt to finding answers for themselves within their collective, and he told her, no what my sister-in-law went through in her life is very different then "white light and forgiveness". Of course, he couldn't explain it to her but he knew that I am very different in my being now.

I believe that "white light and forgiveness" was not working for me - trust me, I tried all my life that way of looking at things, and lately, especially in these past few years, I was finding myself more and more 'angry' that went inward, and absolutely was creating "craziness" for myself - and I found myself, quite surprized, because how can it happen to me, with "diabetes"?

'Diabetes' always seemed contridictory to what and whom I am. Although 'Diabetes' was great at first for me, because people actually payed attention to my concerns - ('cause man, i at that point in my life sure couldn't do it for myself) Yes, they would tell me when to eat, what to drink, in other words, I was down to just drinking water, and herbal tea, NO MORE! The timing of my meals, was I exercising (big belief in that world that we all have been bellies). You have to have a big bellie to belong to that club!!! HA! HA! Oh, man I am just finding that funny and how I bought into that notion. All that 'concern' was getting on my nerves and it became something in my life that was just taking the 'joy' out of my life. Somehow I believed how can I live any longer with something that had so many rules, structure, and everyone was paying attention to me even though it was in a 'negative' way (I was becoming more pissed off and a big
f___ you!). Now, I am understanding that I never allowed that "fire breathe" to move in my body - the breathe that propells you foward. I am going to the gym now with a different view - talking with my chiropractor yesterday, I talked with him about 'intensity' in my work-out. I have never understood people that talk about a natural 'high' when they have a work-out...in fact, maybe thought that they were 'addicted' to jogging or whatever the exercise was... nowI am up for it!

Because i never allowed myself to stand tall in whom i am, identified myself ONLY through being a mother, a wife and never WHO I WAS as the whole ME. I find it interesting now as how I never saw myself as a teacher - I have the two degrees, and what is important for me now, is to claim for myself, that i had invested 7 years in university for the growth of ME!

This blog feels like I am only have tidbits to put onto this computer screen. I know it makes sense in my body and that is all that matters.

Switching thought, today I wrote down the things that I want to do, not what I have to do, and funny it is all the stuff that moves me into my future!

Just checking in, where is my breathe right now? Am I allowing my attention to be at the base of my spine? When I'm outside today I am allowing myself to take in deep breathes - oh, how exciting that spring (even though we have a lot of snow here in Ottawa) is in the air!

How did I lose 20 lbs. in these last 3 weeks?

2008-03-10T05:37:00.000-07:00

Here I am, knowing that I am not alone anymore. This past week has been a week of complete rest. My body has been extremely tired and I listened. I must add, not until I fell on the ice this past week, entirely layed out on the ice, as my dog was wanting to push ahead, did I really pay attention to my own physical tiredness.
My husband has been reading my blogs and commented that my sentence structure, grammar, incomplete sentences didn't make sense. Somehow I just look over with wonderment...it open up a conversation that was amazing for me. I talked about when I am blogging it is about my impulses moving in/thru my body, my body's intelligent speaking and not my 'brains' intelligent. Sounds weird to some, yet I know this has given me and incredible opportunity to allow and invite what wants to come out deep in my cells to come out. Maybe, this is the first time I have ever had the opportunity to speak out about something that matters to me and yes, maybe has been locked down for years. Not all stuff that is tragic yet stuff that has meaning to me, and I am not even aware that it places that importance for me. I am very grateful for this opportunity and know as I said at the first of this blog, I am not alone anymore - all i do is ask, and meaningful people to me will show up in my life!
Well, I didn't want to announce this at first when I came back from EF:EW, but the scales are saying as of yesterday that I have lost 20 lbs. - and that has been only in these past three weeks.
I know that I am letting go of old beliefs that are really not 'serving' me anymore. I will talk a lot more about weight loss in blogs to come. What has made sense to me, is that I discovered something very different then what I held as a belief. Yes, of course, I use to beat myself up when I would put on more weight and then was in disbelief when I would start losing weight.
What I did notice, that on many occasions over this past week, I was so fired up in my body to do something, say something and how I allowed myself to believe that no it was okay to let someone else, say what they need to say, or do what they need to do. Then, my own fire was not honoured by me and it would turn inward. So it is not about the times I would not mind but rather the times it matters to me to speak up, and out and let the full potential of who I am becoming, out - in other words, it is when I am extremely high energy that I allow myself to be leashed down again - locked down and other people aren't even aware because I appear to be calm and cool. It is getting clearer to me, that I have waited myself down, and in those times when I am extremely high energy, and yes my physical body is weighted down. Two things are co-existing at the same time. I am finding that I am only breathing in my mouth right now...i am going, and yes, really happy to know at least the iceberg of why 'wait/weight' is coming into my awareness because it is becoming freeing to me - and hay, I have lost 20 lbs. in the last three weeks - i am entering great things!!!

My World Has Done a FLIP!!!

2008-03-03T15:32:00.001-08:00

I feel like I am coming out of a horrible flu these past few days - my head aches, and I am very aware that my world has done a flip. I am very aware that I am inviting/allowing whatever I want to metabolize to do so, and if it takes that extra 'second' or opening up space, giving loads of time, then that is what I will do. There is so much there, and I am not willing to stop it. I can liken it to the flow of Niagara Falls. It has been there for years, locked down and it wants to just let go, and my life will never be the same - even looking at yesterday....never the same.

I say this with excitement, joy and happiness. I am a lot clearer on who I am, and what I am. These past two weeks, spending time with other women at Oceanstone, Emerging Futures: Entrepreneurial Women, has given me a quantum leap in clarity for myself.

What is clear to me is that over the next few months I am going to talk and blog about the difference in my thinking (wow, from this flip, re-claiming MY life, what I no longer "suffer" from (no-one is aware of the many extreme 'health' issues that I have walked through since I have allowed myself to metabolize - just by breathing deeply into the base of my spine -over this past year, and talking in small groups of what really matters to me). AND how... and only this shift in paradigm, has made it clear to me, that I LIVE FULLY NOW - in the other paradigm I was approaching a slow death.

Right now, I am taking care of myself. It is no surprise to me that when I was leaving Halifax that my flight was delayed four hours. Yes, I wait - I will talk about that soon as that has made a huge difference in my life. And no surprise to me that "they" say that we are going to have a lot of snow storms this week here in Ottawa.

Yes, the scales read 20 pounds lighter, then two weeks ago. That is not about weight, yet more clarity for me about WAIT.

I am going to go now, and will return soon. Yes, it is more important for me to take care of ME right now then anyone else. This is huge for me to say this, and I mean it!!!! Breathing and breathing deeply is important for me to pay attention too....talk soon

Not That Anymore (Weight/Wait)

2008-02-25T05:13:00.000-08:00

Here I am on someone else's computer to sign in...something has come into my awareness,
the password I have been signing in since I have been blogging on this site, does not serve me anymore...WOW!!!! Who I have thought I was has done a FLIP...my world has become so much bigger and it was all about CLAIMING back something that was not making sense to me, yet so outside of myself, sooo obvious to my outside world...weight...hmmm yes, there is a connection to wait for me....weight/wait

My weight has not been talked or even a concern by me for over five years...i just surrendered to the weight and let myself move without judgement to myself about my size - throughout these past five years I have moved my body and felt great about that. There was something inside of me that just knew that it was different then thinking about good nutrition, walking, moving my body, taking care of myself, going to massage, laughing, oh, man just the list goes on...I was doing all those great things that made a huge difference to my well-being and especially in this last year...AND I WAS STILL at a increased weight that was WAITING me down.....what has come into my awareness a very different through, from the flip side looking down - I know I am BLAA, BLAA, BLAA, GREAT and I just couldn't understand the incredible changes I have gone through of taking care of myself - the weight should melt off of me....Right!!!! Make's too much sense and it wasn't happening????

Well, this past week, at Oceanstone, engaged in the "Entrepreneurial" a Wel-systems program, investing in myself, it gave me time to STOP and find some clarity of the WHY Weight/WHY Wait...I am very clear that I stand at choice looking up into my future, and whatever has come from my past I choose differently (not that insane way from my past, that I habitually was always choosing because I didn't know any different) - INSANITY - DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN, AND EXPECTING Different RESULTS??!!...and it is very clear to me that if there is something that is so hidden yet so profound in my life I pay attention - there really is nothing "free" in life - PAY Attention...

What I discovered for myself, was a very simple yet profound, life changing 'whatever'....that i am aware of now...I am from a family of many, that is not as important as, I moved thru the world with 12 other children in my childhood. I remember clearly when I was sixteen and we were all going out for a picnic/swim day trip. We had a station wagon and a car. Our cars were okay, and not always dependable. My mom and dad and other's left the driveway in the station wagon to head for the outing and I was the driver of the other vehicle, the car, with some of my younger siblings. All I wanted was the other vehicle to stay in the driveway until I had the car running and from there I would be okay. Yet the panic was looking in my rear view mirror and seeing my dad driving down the street....all I wanted was for someone to "WAIT" a second, just a second, for me to start the car.

Lots is moving in me right now and I know I need to be easy on myself..I get so PISSED off when someone is showing me something, that I know able to operate, and i allow myself to get talked down too. (WOW, I will pay attention to that, believing now that i live in a holographic universe - I created that) This is not bad or good, positive or negative - this is something that I am going to just relax into and allowing myself some "SLACK" and not beat myself up. Does my inside world reflect my outside world? Over the course of the next few weeks, I am excited to discover the ME that I have hidin' for years, there is more, and I am up for it!!!

How do we get to a pattern of "Personal Destructive Ways"?

2008-02-12T11:39:00.000-08:00

For the past days I have been in S. Ontario visiting my family. I am very clear on who I am, and allowed each moment to unfold, moment by moment. My childhood friend and I talked to the early hours of the morning - the next day she had a terrific migraine and spent the whole day in bed - this hasn't happen to her for years.

It is very clear to me that I make a difference. I talk about things that are meaningful to me, which allows another to talk about what is meaningful to them. These are conversations that we don't allow ourselves to have because we are too busy with work, children, and now the pressure we put on ourselves, to care for our aging parents, losing ourselves in all of this and worse the excuses we give ourselves that bring us into "personal destructive ways"..... eating too much, or not enough, drinking too much, medicating ourselves and thinking it is only an over the counter drug (I am sure we should have a share in the company by now...HA! HA!) and on and on of patterns/behaviour that hinder us...
We, no stronger for me, "I" have been taught to "suck it up" and move through this. Well, what I have discovered is that "suck it up" gets bigger and gains momentum - then, I crash and want to disengaged from the whole collective, and even worse myself.

It is meaningful to me, to be ME, and not have to pretend that I am like this person, or have traits like this person, or like my father, or not like my father, like my mother (oh, big one for me...) I too was very aware of all of the "collusion" and close loop games that are played - even though I don't want any part of that and yet how I am still coherst in without wanting to...that's a"slippery slope" to me, of becoming part of it - truly knowing that I don't want any part of it and yet BANG it is right in my face. Was that an old way that I use to move through the world and...hmm, this weekend I had no other choice, because I like who I am, I had to Stand Up and say NO MORE!!!!

What I didn't like was now that I am saying no - what does that mean for me? Isolation? and believe me, to my surprize, I had so many in the family come up to me, to talk, laugh, and just want to be who they are around me...I don't know if one brother realized, at the family gathering he kissed me on my cheek, on three different occasions, with him saying good-bye to the family. I am sure he didn't notice, and there were many situations of people coming up to me this weekend...I did notice other people wanting to eat at my table, two people came rushing to my table at the end of our dinner, and sat right down beside me - I was talking to a brother I really have always enjoyed to talk to - he is vibrate yet I see "angry" appearing - the long and short for me, and I need to see this up in writing right now, is that they were so excited to talk to me about something... and realizing in myself that I haven't been the attractor for years...funny how, we ALL can be attractors in our own life...

No, people want to live with Fulfillment, Meaning, ROBUST!!! In other words, because it is always about "ME". I want to live with Fulfillment, Meaning and Robust...

Let me look up those three words from the Winston Canadian Dictionary...

1. fulfillment...to complete or accomplish, to do, or carry out

2.meaning...expressive, full of significance, intention

3.robust....strong, vigorous; sturdy

Some people will fall away, and that is okay, and I noticed who are falling away...and it is "surprizing" to me who is wanting to be in my life - is that what I am attracting??? Hmm, right now I am having a different thought, not what I believed all my life...I am the driver of this "XC 70 Volvo" - I had to put that in because that is what we are buying soon...LOTS OF LAUGHS!!! I am the driver of this vehicle - because I SAY SO!!!!

I have a brother coming this afternoon, I didn't believe ever, that he would ever believe he could come and visist me...tears of joy are coming from deep in me right now, and I'm going to stay with it....I am going to hang out with him for the next days to come- I have never sat in "parliament" and that is something we both enjoy, and are going to do together...sooo much to do here in Ottawa and Ottawa is fun!!!! It was meaningful for me to blogg and wow, great insight I had that I carried all my life, and all I did was write my OWN truth...

Nothing Will Change For Me Until I Change The Conversation I Have With MYSELF!!!!

2008-02-06T07:09:00.000-08:00

I not even blogging and I am already looking up "bored" in the dictionary. In looking up that word, my eyes go directly to "bore" weary by tedious talk or dullness (Oxford Dictionary)....hmm...

Well a place to start this blogg.....

This past week I have been allowing my 'body' to just roll around in the 'stuff' that it wanted to...Monday was a 'first' for me - allowing myself to do what I wanted to do, not do anything, eat when I wanted to, sleep when I wanted to, read when I wanted to, listen to CD's when I wanted to, get up when I wanted to, take a bath (in the middle of the day - wow, big rules there!!!), wear my pj's all day (I don't think I have ever done that, and yes, very aware when I was a child and was "sick" is the only time I did). Hmm, that actually brings some awareness to me, when I was sick and in my pj's - was the only time I really spent with my mom on a one-to-one - there are many siblings in my family... even though my mom was busy doing many "loads" of laundry, breakfast dishes, and working in the home, it was an amazing- wonderful experience for me, for just that one day, because I had her undivided attention - and how, disappointed I felt when my younger brother's and sister came through the door at the end of the day...that was 'it' for me to have that 'bond' between just my mom and I, and then the start of a busy afternoon, evening...fun and not so fun....

I no longer carry the belief that it is 'selfess' to allow myself the time with one individual and how many times I would 'try' to include someone else, just to be aware of the 'other person'. (certainly there is no right or wrong in this, yet... big consequences for me, because I made myself 'responsible' for someone else, so "they would fit in") AND I guess that is why I respect someone that is engaged in conversation with another person that I don't join in. It is not about me being self conconsious or whatever, it is simply that I enjoy one-on-one conversations. Not to get me wrong, on the power of many, I get that, I am from a large family - I see the amazing growth from topics that are discussed with many different ways to look at from many lens....And what I don't get right now, is that one-on-one conversation....no, I don't have to feel burden with the responsiblity of always making sure I include others because, hmm, I can hear Louise Lebrun say, the only two conversation going on in your life are, the one you have with yourself, and the one with another person - that's it...
What is resonating with me, and getting clearer as I write, is the conversation I have with myself. Maybe that is what Monday and this whole week was all about...what are the conversations I'm having with myself? I kind of find it funny, yet going back to my initial few sentences I talked about, the words I have come up with, "bored", "bore"...am I having conversations with myself that are dull, ones that don't light me up? Marie, nothing will change for you until you change the conversations that you have with yourself...come on! I really believe I have amazing conversations with many people, yet do I truly have amazing conversations with MYSELF? Do I really allow myself to dream of the possibilities for ME? AM I really "wallowing" in my potential of who I am capable of becoming? You know, this is where I seem to stop myself, each time I am this far into an amazing journey...and I STOP IN MY OWN TRACKS...I am thinking to myself, how can this time be different?...
well, Marie, you just wrote about how it can be different...instead of looking outside (externally referenced) look inside (internally reference) for MY own answers. I know that I am really fine and relax into allowing myself to dream once again...I am okay and can really give myself the permission to change when and if I want to...i don't need anyone else to guide me, help me, lean on me. You know, this has never been told to ME!!!!!!!...you are very powerful, strong and Highly Capable to DO amazing things that are ME. Things that I get excited about!!! Things that spark my attention!!! Things that I am passionate about. Oh, there is a word that I use in conversation for other's but do I use for me? "PASSIONATE" hmm, I haven't even used that word for me - for my students, yes, for my son, yes, but I haven't ever considered what I am passionate about...

This is so much clearer to me, and I am thankful to be "ALIVE" and "AWAKE" in knowing that something more than surface stuff is happening right now, I am thankful to myself to relax into this choas and clearer on what is happening...before I would just get the "flu" and after the week go back to my life and not be any wiser....

This weekend I am going to S.Ontario to be with family and friends - can't wait, and excited about how life is unfolding, because I get to show up as ME!!! Some are not there anymore in my life, that's okay with me, and it is exciting to be with the ones that are meaningful to ME!!! I no longer have to explain myself to anyone. PERIOD!!!
Next week I am going to have one of my brother's come and visit, a brother I never dreamed would ever even see the possiblities of coming for a visist ---I am looking forward to the experience and time spent with him - I know he is an amazing gift to me, to see so much more of my own potential...
From there I'm going to Halifax/Dartmouth, spending time with Amy, and I know lots of possiblilites are going to come into my awareness. THANKS!!! Also, I am very excited about Oceanstone (there is something there for me, in allowing to have endings, and life will unfold to possiblities...) And how much better does it get, attending "entreprenual women" from the 18th to 21 of Feb...spending time with other women that 'speak the same language'...and I must say to myself, I have never been in a program with Louise that I haven't had quantum growth leaving the program room...I am excited to my own possiblitlites and yes, I know I will be standing in a stronger, more powerful, MORE ME place!!!!!
This has been great to take some time to blogg today...funny how I could be doing all those busy things that probably need to be done, and when I take time out for ME, my life comes together, and my "boring" mundane things, get done in quicker time?!
I am catching the next deep breathe right now!!!!

Am I Trusting that I Can Have "ENDINGS'?

2008-01-31T06:14:00.000-08:00

I am here this morning, blogging, and yes, have many other things that I want to do, and know that this is probably the most important thing I can do right now in this moment. The last four days I have been "losing" myself. I have been in that state that is, oh, all to familiar to me - where I feel like everything is spinning with no grounding, i am starting to feel withdrawn, looking for answers outside of myself...yes, this is why I am blogging....

I am certain that I am going forward yet wonder and know the default button has been pushed...
Something that is creeping into my awareness is, "the lack of money even though I can see I am just fine", "the equation that I give myself, "that my net worth is equal to my debt that I am creating once again". (Is that an illusion that I am creating and buying into?) This is coming up so strong in me...and I don't know if I am even willing to let it out.

The inward rage that I have right now is - wow, as I am typing I can feel this "vapour"of fire from my belly to my throat wanting to be ignited!

You know this is what is real and happening in my body - it is not about eloquent words crafted that have come out on this paper, IT IS REAL For ME - THE MOVEMENT IN MY BODY!!!

I can feel my fingers wanting to dash along the keyboard to speak; what "IS" wanting to come out of my body. Wow, how many times have I felt this in my life, of something that is REAL FOR ME, happening in MY BODY, and it ended up being dismissed as nothing, or hold something outside of myself as the truth, or how many times when I would just "tone it down" and then either walk away and let it fade out of my existence - yes, TERRIFIED OF MY OWN RAGE!!!!

How about Marie, just let go of the notion that "My net worth is not money"? "My net worth does not equal my bank account"? "The money I have contributed over the years has nothing to do with who you are as a valuable, contributing, loving, laughable human being?

How about you no longer have to "buy into" the notion that something outside me, do I have to hold as true for myself?

I sit here, just pondering...

I am calm right now, is this the habitual way that I would silence myself, or is this the sure, calm, strong, human being that I am?

I choose differently right now, "I am a sure, calm, strong, Healthy, (wow, that was a slip of the finger to capitalize the H or was it?) active, love of life human being!!! And man, I am more than my body!!!!

My life is mine and not what I thought it was before...not my son's, my husband's, my brother's or sister's, my in-laws, my friends, and I got this really a long time ago, my bosses!!! MY LIFE IS MINE!!!!!!

Just for today, I am going to listen to what is wanting to move in my body - not even concerned of what is moving in my husband's, because I get it....I am silencing myself from what is moving in my own body...

Am I trusting for myself that it is okay to have "endings" and to choose differently right now, and no longer allowing to have the same choice, repeated over and over again, that was creating insanity for me?

I came across these words surfing around the different Wel-Sytems Web-sites and I don't know who said them, was signed ME!

"I am choosing to BE me.
I will DO the things that are me.
I will have me.
I am home."

Thanks ME because this is how I am choosing differently right now, from ME!

As I take in a deep breathe, I will DO the things that are ME!!!!

Why WAIT? why WEIGHT? First time, Doing this Differently!!!

2008-01-27T05:32:00.000-08:00

Last night I went to bed and don't know if this was my last thought, before I fell asleep, or something that I was dreaming about during my sleep. During my recent university days I use to have a scribbler and every new word that I would 'meet' I would 'explore' - write the word down in the scribbler and then the meaning beside the word. It was an amazing way for me to expand my world and for my life to become bigger...
So, last night I went to bed with these two words, "wait" and "weight"----something that also resonates with me is WHY wait? Why weight? (hmm, I am looking at the Code Model TM right now -this is not a diagnostic tool yet a starting point for me and whoever wants to give themselves an opportunity to find out more about themselves, again a starting point for me, from a place of inquiry (created by Louise LeBrun from the Wel-systems Institute). So when I am asking a 'why' question I think about my beliefs/values/attitudes and who I have been taught to believe I am, and who I believe other people think I am, the Culturally Conditioned Self.
Okay, I am ready to play...
let me look up both 'wait' and 'weight' in "The Concise Oxford Dictionary":
wait - 1. defer action or departure for specified time or until some expected event occurs, be expected or on the watch (for, till; wait a minute, waited (for) and hour; shall not wait here any longer; kept me waiting or made me wait; wait till I come, have a month to wait yet; will do it for you while you wait; wait till i come, for high water or a fine day; waited to see what would happen...do not begin before the proper moment; for me!, do not go so fast that I am left behind; cannot, is impatient, you must wait your turn....p1207
Oh man my body is screaming already!!!LOL
Okay the next word that I want to look up, "weight"
1. force with which body tends to centre of attraction, esp. (of terrestrial things) degree of downward tendency in body produced as resultant of earth's gravitation and centrifugal force (the weight of a body varies with latitude and altitude but its mass does not) 2. relative mass or quantity of matter contained and giving rise to downward force, heaviness, ...p 1220

I know by even blogging this today it is giving me a voice - and because I am allowing this to be seen it is "transforming" for me...Over the past month my voice is getting much stronger, certain and more ME - who I really am in the world - the ME that is alive, vibrate, full of laughter! Funny how, and I can talk in the absolutes for this one, ALL of us know who we really are because in those moments we feel and think so ALIVE, and have WEL-BEING, our bodies are AWAKE! -check in with yourself next time when you are having fun at work!!! Yes, that can happen believe it or not, and why don't we allow that to happen?....Who I really know who I am, and who I have been "weighting/waiting" down most my life is something that is coming into my awareness right now...my weight, my heaviness in my body is not about bad nutrition (come on, all us overweight people, we know about good nutrition, we got that together when the big diet craze came in - probably in the late 70's - this might rot your socks off but next time ask an overweight person about good nutrition and I am certain you will walk away with amazing information that you have never even thought about...). Oh okay, there never is just one thing - many things can co-exist at the same time...
For me, I have taught myself to not want to move my body; yet when, I know, AND it is the polar opposite - I feel alive, well, so full of health, WHEN MY BODY IS MOVING...Yes, I don't want to move my body because I bought into the whole "healthy life" stuff, that only certain size people can participate...and I must look at the "wait" that has been with me for many, many years...I wait for my friend to come over, I wait until my son grows up and then I can do something for me, I wait until my husband comes home to snowplow the driveway (this happen the other day and I wondered to myself, the machine is not that "heavy" why don't I learn to operate it myself? My next breathe, I am moving away from the belief of gender - men are not the enemy - believe me, my husband would of been delighted if he didn't have to come home from his massage the other night to snowplow out the driveway (now that is an oxymoron! Laughing Out Loud!! LOL). I don't know if this really fits but everything is connected - my hair the other day looked like "YUCK" when I flat iron it - when i was finished I said to myself, next time I get my hair done I am going to get the hairstylist to teach me how to flat iron my hair - I am going to ask for me to do it - not her - and that it the only way I am going to learn (hmm, not 'wait' around for something to happen when I can't get out of my own way to ask...)
Well it is Sunday and I love this day with my husband...i know i stand in a different place by blogging today...thanks!!!! love and laughter, Marie

Am I Willing To Allow The Full Potential Of This "FIRE" to be UNLEASHED!!!

2008-01-25T04:03:00.000-08:00

It is Friday, I can't believe the time 'is a flying'...The light has not come to day as yet and I am loving the quiet of the early, cold, purple hue dawn....So much is moving in me right now and I just want to SCREAM!!!
I know that I sound different, I know I am vibrating different than even before Christmas...i know that I matter to me, I matter to me to be alive, and I matter to me to do this in my 'style' of FUN!!!
Yes, I am opening up to the world and listening to the difference pulses of "tragedy" "abuse" "depression" "suicide" "accidental death" and the list goes on... and I can clear that I am exactly where I need to be - I am enough - and I don't have to do serious things, seriously.
Yesterday I was getting my business name registered and really having a difficult time...oh, how i am not computer "friendly" LOL - it has taken me the last few days to finally register my buisness name. AND Yes, I am so excited about the possibilities of my emerging future and I took sometime playing around with my potential business name and poof -it sooo...resonates with me, ... my business name is, "Trust your Self".
Over the course of the last few months, I have been, and we create our own reality, in situations, happenings etc that I had only ME to trust and that was IT. Yes, there is many amazing people coming into my life and they are willing and able and there too support, be a friend, etc. yet I am very clear that I look inward for my own truth. I have moved away from quite a few identifies that i was carrying over the course of the last six months that were causing me to be dis eased or living way out of my body - no, this is not weird, this is as simple as, I bring my attention down into the base of my spine, allow oxygen in, and my life is so much clearer when I am living in my body - then living up in my head, breathing shallowly, spinning like a spin-top, spinning all over the place and not having a sense of "certainly" "groundedness" "calm" in my chaos. Let me look up the word, "chaos"...."n. formless primordial matter; utter confusion" The Consice Oxford Dictionary also the word, "primordial" existing at or from the beginning, prieval;noriginal, fundamenal;" The Consice Oxford Dictionary...
This is getting clearer to why I am blogging...Am I willing to allow this choas in my body to be there and no that I am just fine? Or am I going to flatten it again with food? Drown it with food? I don't like this much agitation, prickly stuff to be moving in me and I do shut it down? Am I willing to breathe into this and not away from this? It has not gone away for the past week and am I willing to embace the full potential? Am I willing to unleash this huge fire that is in me to first combust, then to rage, then sit back away from the fire and enjoy the full intensity and exictement!!! I AM AFRAID OF MY OWN FIRE!!!!
Wow, this is clear...I am not alone anymore and I am HUGE!!! there is no coincidence for me to look back at the beginning of this blogg and I speak about dawn...talk soon, love and laughter!

Hmm...I thought I was Staying in the TOUGH Converstions....

2008-01-23T06:29:00.001-08:00

I am having a lot rumbling around in my body these past couple of days, there is intensity... Yesterday I enjoyed the snowfall that ended up being more than they expected - went for a walk with my dog and met a man that smiled and said, "what a beautiful day" and my replied back to him was, "I am so happy that someone else is enjoying this..." we both laughed, and it felt so great to be alive with owning my own perspective of my reality - not listening to the outside world, especially when there is a "snowstorm" happening - wow, lots of fear, anxiety there if I allow myself to buy into it!!!
The other night I had a conversation with my son that lasted three hours. The first hour was all the black stuff that has presented its ugly head over these past couple of years - "I don't want to live anymore" - "there is nothing more for me to live for" - (this is the most .....I don't even have words for this as these are the hardest, brutally honest words that come out of my 20 year old son) and, I instinctively knowing something that has been rumbling down deep inside me, that I knew that not everything was totally right...I will give myself some time to give some content (and I know that there is no content in content). In Gareth's grade twelve my husband and I decided that our life wasn't working in Halifax - knowing that (and knowing for years) Ottawa would be a good choice. Chris got his resume together, had an old friend that was in Ottawa, he looked it over, and from there his friend asked if he could pass the resume on to his boss. Chris was phoned and two days later was flying to Ottawa, receiving a job in Ottawa a day later. Wow! Life changed in a neo-second - 31 years in the military and now he was working for the private sector. Gareth was accepted at the University of Calgary and things were okay with him - he had always wanted to go there since grade nine. For myself, life really wasn't working for me and yes, it meant I would be closer geographically to my family in Southern Ontario and knew that I had more potential here in Ottawa. Life was good so we thought....
Immediately I had a friend that was an interior decorator and she made amazing changes (inexpensive choices) - we worked with her, painted our house, staged as she suggested...and I had the most beautiful home (funny how that works, and maybe I need to pay attention to that thought of, making everyone else's living pleasurable, not my own???)
Chris was on the plane to start work in Ottawa, the first of March, somehow our family was starting to break up....Gareth was in school, doing all those damn hard science courses (he likes that and clear that you get more attention when the classes are smaller), I don't know, I don't want to be in a physics course especially in university if I can help it...I could see Gareth disconnecting over the time fame of the final four months that he was finishing his grade twelve. Actually at one point, (marks, homework, school was never a concern of ours with Gareth)I could see that he was dropping in his physic mark (I don't even know how the conversation came up - we never had to talk about his marks) yet he was starting to find it draining and he was struggling. I emailed his physic's teacher (I was also a substitute teacher at this high school) and just let him know of my concerns. His physic's teacher replied back and said, you don't have to worry about Gareth - he is one student that you don't have to worry about...hmm, do I read that different now...Gareth, the long and short of this story, ended up being on the Principal's list a lower status then being on the graduation program as a honor student. I was crushed for Gareth as he has never, not even one term, all though his elementary, junior high and high school days, had been anything else then an honor's student. Maybe that is more about me, then Gareth....
The other night during the conversation with Gareth, I finally got real with myself, I drew the line in the sand for me and said to him, "no more am I going into this black hole with you"...well, the conversation got meaningful...it gave Gareth space to let me know how he was feeling and why he was still bothered about it all. One word that came out of his mouth was, "I feel like I was betrayed". Wow!!!!! I would of never thought, and completely thought the opposite, that I am a caring, loving, compassionate mother. What came out of my mouth is I can see why you are feeling that way - we never talked about the move - wow! come on, I thought I did, but did I? My whole body is numb right now, and something that I will have conversations with myself and with Gareth and Chris...
I want to visit the word "betrayed".... 1. to give in the hands of an enemy by treachery 2. to be faithless to 3. to disclose, reveal as a secret 4 to disclose unintentionally The Winston Canadian Dictionary
For myself, how many times have I lied to myself or been lied to by people that love me...no it is usually not intentional but how many times do I not complete what I have as a thought, then allow myself to be persuaded/convinced of something, and do I really listen to the stuff, information that is moving around in my own body...how many times have I lied to myself.....i need to re visit that statement....how many times have I felt a huge excitement in my body and as time moves away from that... i begin to forget on how that made me feel or how alive I felt in that moment...
there is so much more for me to say, and right now there is so much for me to pay attention to what I have written down...
A reflection I have from the newspaper the other day... a "well respected trusted prominent figure" sexually molested 13 boys in the years of say 1960 to 1984 and... the accused mother replied after a "victim's parent" (because I believe you are victim at that age) approached her about the ordeal and her reply was, "is he up to that again"....
What is coming up for me is to allow space to be opened up, in order for me, and my loved ones to speak their truth of their own experience....i don't know where this blog really is going yet I know the other night I am glad I did stay in the tough conversation and it wasn't easy for me - and how much clarity I have today...these past two years have humbled me and I live in gratitude...i am happy to be alive!!!! I am going to blog off right now, and sit back and breathe....