Last night, and today I have a sense of 'agitation'. This is not about it being right, wrong, good or bad that I am experiencing. It is something I am experiencing right now, and for me, to see what intelligent information it holds for me?
These past three months I have spent a lot of time with my own family and extended family on both sides; on my husband's and my own family. It has been nothing short of amazing for me. It has been a "gift" I have given myself, to understand more of who I am. Not always easy.
"Agitation" in my body doesn't feel familiar and yet, it feels very familiar. It doesn't feel familiar because it is something that I know I have shut down for years because I was so culturally conditioned to be "nice". No way, would I ever express what my own truth, knowing that there would be a lot of "agitation" in my outside world. And would I be "nice" to myself, even though I was experiencing "agitation" in my body?
Last night when I came home from a two day trip with my" adult son"...i experienced something of a different perspective...at dinner time so much "agitation" was going through me, before I would silence myself to this "agitation" and the only place it would be able to go is inward...this "agitation" I was experiencing last night, I spoke up and out my truth and said to my husband..."Right now, I am experiencing information that is "extreme" moving in my body". "I don't want to talk right now, as so much is moving". I decided to get up from the table and go on my own. Now, I believed that I was clear, honest, open and direct with what I was letting him know.
Later that evening my son came home and asked me "what was happening with me?" as he talked with his father about what "they" felt was happening.
I am noticing how easy it is for us to "point our fingers" everywhere else, exempt inward to ourselves. No, I am not even interested in pointing my finger inward. What I am interested in, is allowing myself to be clearer of what is happening, in my own "agitation" for myself. Or, paying attention to what is going off in my body or not. Now, what is getting wonderful in my life, is that my body isn't with all that shame and guilt I held before. To add, I am not exempt from me experiencing the "more" as I am a living organic being always going towards growth.
The "agitation" I have going through my body is about me. Is it "okay" in my body, knowing that I am a very curious person and always been the one to stir the pot? Or, have I re-claimed, own that for myself right now, of "agitation" in my body?
Is it safe for me to speak out now, all my truth of how I see my world, (not just most of my truth) and possibly you may see your world with similar lens? And, not to place "worry" on what anyone else may say or do?
From the Webster dictionary:
agitation - disturbance, mental or physical, esp. worry, public disturbance on a large scale or the process of creating it.
I can feel that I make a huge difference to my world and the world around me. Am I willing and able to speak ALL of my truth and not be "agitated" by my outside world? In this past week I have declared, "no more verbal violence in my own home". Am I willing to stay right with this, or will I water down what my truth is - to make it "nice" for everyone?
Somehow, I know I cannot turn back!
Trust Yourself
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Friday, June 5, 2009
No More Violence In My Home!
This early morning is quiet, peaceful, and there is no sign of "awakening"?
Ahh, how I love these mornings that I have not experienced in a long time. As I layed in bed, wide awake this morning, I jumped out of bed to make myself a cup of tea, and then downstairs to blog...
I haven't created this space for myself for a while...how it just feels good and how I know that I want to blog about how much has changed in my life...yes, again in quantum speed, only since April at the Power, Purpose, and Passion, a WEL-Systems (R) retreat when I declared, "no more violence in my home".
I always thought to myself that this secret I kept so tightly to my chest, would be okay for me to "keep to myself" with no outcome...in other words, "Don't say anything and IT will go away".
How exhausting it has been over the years to "wish" it away, each time the verbal abuse would happen - the knowing in my body was felt with much intensity - and then I would soldier on, to get on, with the next moment. Somehow, as I talk to my own clients about the insanity dance...I was choosing to have an insanity dance that was so hidden, with no awareness for me to even come to some understanding that "violence was happening in my own home"!
I just spent a week in Calgary with extended family. What I became curious about is how easy it is for us to blame everyone else, and not to look at ourselves for what can potentially be a paradoxical moment to claiming more of who we are. To finding out more of who we are and becoming. No, not about turning the conversation into a blaming match...to pause, and just create safe space for myself, and other's to look at that moment from new eyes.
The aha's come fast in those moments because the body always knows. We know what we want and desire. Yet...Do we always allow ourselves to speak our own truth? Do we allow other's to speak their own truth? Do we want to "control" other's opinions so that our world can stay the same? Do we truly listen to what other's are saying; only to be thinking of what is coming out of our own mouths? Do we respect ourselves, and then honour the same respect for the other person? No, I don't have to take on their opinion for my own, yet, I do believe respecting and listening to what they have to say matters (both to me and them). After all, I believe, what is coming out of your mouth, is really about your own internal landscape. How amazing that is for me, as I am up for truly "intimate" conversations and no longer even experience that disconnect that I experienced not to long ago. I see in my own life, I am "hungry" for conversations that expand lives - both mine and yours!
Yes, since April my life has expanded into ways that I could never even imagine!
One thing that I welcome, and always was so hidden in me (or was it?)...because I knew my home was not a happy place to come to...and now that has taken a complete turn...my home has a welcome sign now...I have had more guests, friends and family stay or visit in my home since April then I care to count on my hand in the past years.
Tears are coming now...this is such an amazing truth for me. How simple it is just to state my truth in that moment at PPP in April. I gave up the notion of what people will think of me...after all I had gone so far in my own evolution, how could I miss something as huge as, "allowing violence in my own home"?
I welcome you to leave your comments on this blog, if the pull is there for you to speak, I would love to hear from you. This topic alone will make a difference to our world. If everyone chooses to Respect themselves, and then respect each other, we would be able to take life to a higher place, and work on more interesting endevours....and not the insanity dance we keep getting of violence in our own homes that ultimately spreads out into society.
As I breathe deeply on the exhale
Ahh, how I love these mornings that I have not experienced in a long time. As I layed in bed, wide awake this morning, I jumped out of bed to make myself a cup of tea, and then downstairs to blog...
I haven't created this space for myself for a while...how it just feels good and how I know that I want to blog about how much has changed in my life...yes, again in quantum speed, only since April at the Power, Purpose, and Passion, a WEL-Systems (R) retreat when I declared, "no more violence in my home".
I always thought to myself that this secret I kept so tightly to my chest, would be okay for me to "keep to myself" with no outcome...in other words, "Don't say anything and IT will go away".
How exhausting it has been over the years to "wish" it away, each time the verbal abuse would happen - the knowing in my body was felt with much intensity - and then I would soldier on, to get on, with the next moment. Somehow, as I talk to my own clients about the insanity dance...I was choosing to have an insanity dance that was so hidden, with no awareness for me to even come to some understanding that "violence was happening in my own home"!
I just spent a week in Calgary with extended family. What I became curious about is how easy it is for us to blame everyone else, and not to look at ourselves for what can potentially be a paradoxical moment to claiming more of who we are. To finding out more of who we are and becoming. No, not about turning the conversation into a blaming match...to pause, and just create safe space for myself, and other's to look at that moment from new eyes.
The aha's come fast in those moments because the body always knows. We know what we want and desire. Yet...Do we always allow ourselves to speak our own truth? Do we allow other's to speak their own truth? Do we want to "control" other's opinions so that our world can stay the same? Do we truly listen to what other's are saying; only to be thinking of what is coming out of our own mouths? Do we respect ourselves, and then honour the same respect for the other person? No, I don't have to take on their opinion for my own, yet, I do believe respecting and listening to what they have to say matters (both to me and them). After all, I believe, what is coming out of your mouth, is really about your own internal landscape. How amazing that is for me, as I am up for truly "intimate" conversations and no longer even experience that disconnect that I experienced not to long ago. I see in my own life, I am "hungry" for conversations that expand lives - both mine and yours!
Yes, since April my life has expanded into ways that I could never even imagine!
One thing that I welcome, and always was so hidden in me (or was it?)...because I knew my home was not a happy place to come to...and now that has taken a complete turn...my home has a welcome sign now...I have had more guests, friends and family stay or visit in my home since April then I care to count on my hand in the past years.
Tears are coming now...this is such an amazing truth for me. How simple it is just to state my truth in that moment at PPP in April. I gave up the notion of what people will think of me...after all I had gone so far in my own evolution, how could I miss something as huge as, "allowing violence in my own home"?
I welcome you to leave your comments on this blog, if the pull is there for you to speak, I would love to hear from you. This topic alone will make a difference to our world. If everyone chooses to Respect themselves, and then respect each other, we would be able to take life to a higher place, and work on more interesting endevours....and not the insanity dance we keep getting of violence in our own homes that ultimately spreads out into society.
As I breathe deeply on the exhale
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)