Do I Speak All My Truth?

Last night, and today I have a sense of 'agitation'. This is not about it being right, wrong, good or bad that I am experiencing. It is something I am experiencing right now, and for me, to see what intelligent information it holds for me?

These past three months I have spent a lot of time with my own family and extended family on both sides; on my husband's and my own family. It has been nothing short of amazing for me. It has been a "gift" I have given myself, to understand more of who I am. Not always easy.

"Agitation" in my body doesn't feel familiar and yet, it feels very familiar. It doesn't feel familiar because it is something that I know I have shut down for years because I was so culturally conditioned to be "nice". No way, would I ever express what my own truth, knowing that there would be a lot of "agitation" in my outside world. And would I be "nice" to myself, even though I was experiencing "agitation" in my body?

Last night when I came home from a two day trip with my" adult son"...i experienced something of a different perspective...at dinner time so much "agitation" was going through me, before I would silence myself to this "agitation" and the only place it would be able to go is inward...this "agitation" I was experiencing last night, I spoke up and out my truth and said to my husband..."Right now, I am experiencing information that is "extreme" moving in my body". "I don't want to talk right now, as so much is moving". I decided to get up from the table and go on my own. Now, I believed that I was clear, honest, open and direct with what I was letting him know.

Later that evening my son came home and asked me "what was happening with me?" as he talked with his father about what "they" felt was happening.

I am noticing how easy it is for us to "point our fingers" everywhere else, exempt inward to ourselves. No, I am not even interested in pointing my finger inward. What I am interested in, is allowing myself to be clearer of what is happening, in my own "agitation" for myself. Or, paying attention to what is going off in my body or not. Now, what is getting wonderful in my life, is that my body isn't with all that shame and guilt I held before. To add, I am not exempt from me experiencing the "more" as I am a living organic being always going towards growth.

The "agitation" I have going through my body is about me. Is it "okay" in my body, knowing that I am a very curious person and always been the one to stir the pot? Or, have I re-claimed, own that for myself right now, of "agitation" in my body?

Is it safe for me to speak out now, all my truth of how I see my world, (not just most of my truth) and possibly you may see your world with similar lens? And, not to place "worry" on what anyone else may say or do?

From the Webster dictionary:
agitation - disturbance, mental or physical, esp. worry, public disturbance on a large scale or the process of creating it.

I can feel that I make a huge difference to my world and the world around me. Am I willing and able to speak ALL of my truth and not be "agitated" by my outside world? In this past week I have declared, "no more verbal violence in my own home". Am I willing to stay right with this, or will I water down what my truth is - to make it "nice" for everyone?

Somehow, I know I cannot turn back!

Trust Yourself

No More Violence In My Home!

This early morning is quiet, peaceful, and there is no sign of "awakening"?

Ahh, how I love these mornings that I have not experienced in a long time. As I layed in bed, wide awake this morning, I jumped out of bed to make myself a cup of tea, and then downstairs to blog...

I haven't created this space for myself for a while...how it just feels good and how I know that I want to blog about how much has changed in my life...yes, again in quantum speed, only since April at the Power, Purpose, and Passion, a WEL-Systems (R) retreat when I declared, "no more violence in my home".

I always thought to myself that this secret I kept so tightly to my chest, would be okay for me to "keep to myself" with no outcome...in other words, "Don't say anything and IT will go away".

How exhausting it has been over the years to "wish" it away, each time the verbal abuse would happen - the knowing in my body was felt with much intensity - and then I would soldier on, to get on, with the next moment. Somehow, as I talk to my own clients about the insanity dance...I was choosing to have an insanity dance that was so hidden, with no awareness for me to even come to some understanding that "violence was happening in my own home"!

I just spent a week in Calgary with extended family. What I became curious about is how easy it is for us to blame everyone else, and not to look at ourselves for what can potentially be a paradoxical moment to claiming more of who we are. To finding out more of who we are and becoming. No, not about turning the conversation into a blaming match...to pause, and just create safe space for myself, and other's to look at that moment from new eyes.

The aha's come fast in those moments because the body always knows. We know what we want and desire. Yet...Do we always allow ourselves to speak our own truth? Do we allow other's to speak their own truth? Do we want to "control" other's opinions so that our world can stay the same? Do we truly listen to what other's are saying; only to be thinking of what is coming out of our own mouths? Do we respect ourselves, and then honour the same respect for the other person? No, I don't have to take on their opinion for my own, yet, I do believe respecting and listening to what they have to say matters (both to me and them). After all, I believe, what is coming out of your mouth, is really about your own internal landscape. How amazing that is for me, as I am up for truly "intimate" conversations and no longer even experience that disconnect that I experienced not to long ago. I see in my own life, I am "hungry" for conversations that expand lives - both mine and yours!

Yes, since April my life has expanded into ways that I could never even imagine!

One thing that I welcome, and always was so hidden in me (or was it?)...because I knew my home was not a happy place to come to...and now that has taken a complete turn...my home has a welcome sign now...I have had more guests, friends and family stay or visit in my home since April then I care to count on my hand in the past years.

Tears are coming now...this is such an amazing truth for me. How simple it is just to state my truth in that moment at PPP in April. I gave up the notion of what people will think of me...after all I had gone so far in my own evolution, how could I miss something as huge as, "allowing violence in my own home"?

I welcome you to leave your comments on this blog, if the pull is there for you to speak, I would love to hear from you. This topic alone will make a difference to our world. If everyone chooses to Respect themselves, and then respect each other, we would be able to take life to a higher place, and work on more interesting endevours....and not the insanity dance we keep getting of violence in our own homes that ultimately spreads out into society.

As I breathe deeply on the exhale

Intimacy...Living a Rich and Meaningful Life?

I feel the pull to blog. So much has happen in this week of coming to the Maritimes. It has been so calm, yet, so propelling, knowing that this is for my own growth. Yes, it is important for me to be aware, paying attention for people to know of how it will be a benefit for them, of what I offer, if they choose to engage with me.

Yes, this is so true...and where am I right now...something this week showed me so much more then I even imagine...

I took one day and drove down to Antigonish. This is where my aunt is. What I do want to say is that she was a very progression women and was strong, independent and loved life. I am only assuming, yet, see a very different women now and she is in a private nursing home. Yes, the environment is exactly what I would of imagine her to be in - looking out her window with green grass and sheep in the distance. I was just in aye of the surroundings and views that she could enjoy.

When I was sitting in her room with her. I asked her, "wow, do you ever just lie here and enjoy your view?"

The answer came back quickly and she replied, "no".

I am just devastated, and yes, that is a big word...I hurt to the core of how big she was in the world and how she has gone...oh yeah, i can see little glimmers of who she was, yet, she is gone.

The intimacy of conversations I had with her are gone. The joy that I shared with her of her being my aunt, and for me, being her niece are gone. The connection I shared with her, of being a Maritimer are gone.

Wow, waves and waves are coming...what is so gone out of my own life? I know that I am going to be okay when she chooses to go on... What is it about my own life that she is reflecting at me?

She never gave up and I am sure as a social worker after the war...there had to be many times that she just motored on with what she believed in her own being. Women at that time were not valued in the workplace and she rose to the top in her field. She never limited herself in the things that she wanted for herself.

At one point in the visit, I am sure she was seeing herself through me, and she didn't give up to look for her lipstick...in her grace, she took the little mirror and, like she always did all her life, put her lipstick on with pride (you know I don't even know the fitting word for how she put her lipstick on)...it brought out so much color to her, and I could see more of who she was in the world.

Yes, I feel "devastated" right now.....tears are flowing...

So, I am going to bring this back to me...do I limit myself? Maybe the bigger question for me, do I live a rich life?

There is something there right now...where do I live a rich life? I am not anywhere in the thinking of "money"....what is coming up for me, is, do I choose to live a "rich" meaningful life?
Do I always choose to do the things that have meaning to me? Do I choose to be around the people that allow me the space of a "rich meaningful life"?

This week was amazing...

I met up with some women this week that truly love who they are, and respect who I am in the world. The joy when I saw them...was only of Respect, Integrity and Generosity of Spirit...

I sit here and pause...i don't know if I have made sense, and that is not the intent of why I am blogging...I blog because it is "rich and meaningful" for me. I have lots to do today, making physical contact - hmm, the intimacy that is so rich and meaningful to me!

Do you live in the moment, a rich and meaningful life?

How easy it is when we make it that way...all i have to do is breathe!

Trust Yourself

How seductive and hidden all this becomes...and wonder, why is my life not working?

Today I am listening to the whisper. The clinic I am working out of this week, in the maritimes, is closed today. Before in my other life, I would have huge "rules" for myself, that I need to be doing "something" after all, I am here on business.

I stop, pause and breathe...

I have engaged with a few people already this morning...and how nice for me as I live with no rules, I didn't have anything holding me back from contacting people, before I would of spent the whole day "trying" to contact with no success AND as the day progressed, a sense of tiredness would of stopped me from doing what I really want to do. No more, I just breathe, and that brings me into the next moment. Nothing to do, nothing to try harder and faster...next impulse!

I have a sense in my own body, that I no longer have that tiredness that I use to be "con-summed" by. I am much lighter, clearer and solid.

Each conversation were meaningful this morning...so, how many times do we stop ourselves from doing what we really want to do. How many times do we stop ourselves and go down "A" pathway knowing that "B" is in front of us, to where it will be more meaningful and fulfilling.

"A" is a very "seductive" pull that continues to draw us, thinking that this is the answer...only to discover that something is hidden and we continue to get the same old, same old, and expecting DIFFERENT Results to our lives. How seductive and hidden all this becomes, that we believe is our truth...and we find ourselves in "default" once again. And wonder, why is my life not working...and by this age of 40/50/60 gaining more intensity to the craziness in our life, and not saying a word to anyone else outside ourselves. WHEW! What a wait to carry!!!

The cigar is never about the cigar.

One thing I am celebrating right now, I have taken "B" this week...I am not lucky...yet choose to be lucky!

Trust yourself and take a test drive in your own vehicle!

I Stopped...Paused and took a breathe....

Wow, this is my 100th post. As I look forward to what is happening in my life, I am aware of the "work" i have done to be right here, right now. Yes, "work" and at times it was not easy, and at times it was "effortless-effort".

This morning I had something presented to me, either as a gift, or something I could choose not to pay attention to. My son, and it is never about someone else, (whatever is coming up in my body is what I pay attention to) suggested that "someone else" misplaced his keys. Hmm, I could go into lots of stories, and because he was heading out of the door within seconds, and there may be no one home, when he returned home. I STOPPED...Paused and took a breathe...

I spoke out for myself, "I am no longer going to be blamed". Period. No this is not good, bad, right or wrong...yet, something I need to take back for myself.

What came up for me is that I am not willing to "TAKE ON" other people's stuff, and own it as mine. I am not talking about the "you have good energy, and that person has bad energy". No, I am talking about something very different.

If my body is not firing off, or nothing is showing up for me to pay attention...all is calm within me, then I would say that is a good indication that I don't have to pay attention. Do we as parents/adults have these experiences that we "take on" other people's stuff and own it.

As I am moving in my world, I am realizing I do a huge dis service to myself...because lots of blame and shame come my way when I choose to "take on others stuff"...and that I do a huge dis service to the person I am engaged with, because they don't have space open up to them, an opportunity to grow and own it for themselves, to find out more about themselves...because they think it is my stuff. Oh man, what an insanity dance!!!

Trust yourself next time this is presented to you...as a gift, or, as something you will not choose to pay attention to, or, it is someone else's stuff that you are owning...

It is no wonder that we are physically carry lots of unwanted "weight" to only suggest the tip of the ice berg...

pause... and then just breathe...

I AM TALKING ABOUT MISSING THAT WHISPER

Wow, my life has propelled to a place that nourishes me and I MUST SAY the first time in my life!!! This is not positioned as good, bad, right or wrong...it is an awareness that is so front and center in me.

I am busy making arrangements to spend a week in Bedford Nova Scotia, May 7th to 15th. I will be working out of an clinic having one-one-one conversations, as well as, a program on the weekend, called "Relax into...a Journey of Discovery".

I am having many people show up in my life from the Maritimes. What a wonderful moment for me to be in, for me to be holding space for myself. I am really doing this exciting adventure on my own, and know that I am not alone...funny how I have never paid attention to...the right people for me, do show up when my "intention" is held.

I just got off the phone to the Maritimes, and a person is interested in seeing me, and not interested in what I have to offer.

In my awareness what comes clear to me is, is this "old familiar feeling of less than". People are always interested in me and that has been all my life. I am curious of that. You know, what is coming up for me is, "I measure my worst to their best"...hmm...no more of that dualist thinking for me, and I am HUGE in this world...and owning it! Yes, owning it for the first time!

I feel this second to embrace and own this moment of "deflate" because this is very "familiar" to me. How I can silence myself because someone is not interested in what I have to offer. Okay, I am clear to go on. Yet, how important for me to PAUSE, take a breathe, own this belief as "real" for myself and then let it go, allowing my next unfolding to fill that new space I have created...

This in and of itself, is something that is so important for me to speak up and out. I have been that "bull in the china shop" all my life. Always, moving quickly into the next unfolding for myself...and, I have not PAUSED to the "minute" to only override the "information" that was there for me to embrace, and own. I am not talking about analyzing or finding some meaningful revelation. I am talking about missing that whisper, that minute of intelligence, that neo-second, that when I do, my life just expands into a world of Bliss!

This phone call has been a wonderful gift. It has given me the joy of looking at it differently. How do I know to do it differently if I am in that "habitual" pattern of passing it by, only to get on to the next exciting unfolding?

The bigger question, of why that has been presented to me, in this moment, is for me to know more about me. How intimate it is, for me, to be able to pay attention to my whispers. I believe in my new world of choice, it doesn't have to be all that struggle that I once played out in my world.

Who I am in the world is just beautiful with all my imperfections. I own it ALL!!!

I welcome the wave that is here...and all I did was stay "curious"...easy and effortless!

Trust Yourself

Do WE Really Listen To What Each Other Is Saying?

I know that I am very different in how I am moving through my world now 'cause people comment on just that and my life is fun. I just had a conversation with a women and at the end of the conversation she said, "I just want to tell you that by you saying "no" to the group, to not wanting the piece of information that the group was handing out...it gave me space to ponder, how many times in my own life have I said "yes" to a piece of paper, that I really didn't want". After all, if someone took the time to put their perceived "most important points" on paper to hand out, we must see the value for ourselves. GEESH!!! What a "crock" that is!!!

How many times do we say "yes" to something that we clearly don't want. And, the kicker for me right now, how many times do I say "no" and even through a strong "no"...the culturally conditioning of others, believing they are "doing good", I still ended up with, that "damn" piece of paper. It was thrown to me across the table and talked about that I hadn't receive it from the previous session. Do we really listen to what each other is saying? I don't believe life needs to be difficult if we allow ourselves to "receive" as well.