"Depression"/"Saddness"/"Isolation"/Holiday Season?

Marie , I know that writing things down will help gain more clarity for me -hmm...what is screaming at me from deep down inside me, is not to play out old strategies that aren't serving me now? How do I move in my world now? Do I just do nothing or is it time to engage? Am I aware of what they are, and do they still serve me?- what is coming up in me, is the strategy of "depression" and how that served me in the past. What it allowed me to do, and what it allowed me to avoid, not do... right now, today, I am paying attention, and for some reason, especially at this time of year when I placed a lot of expecations on myself, and I am sure on my immediate family - and, let's not forget all the culturally conditioned stuff - some warm memories and other memories that deep down inside me I want to scream - NO WAY!!!! As I am going through my day right now, I am awake to the "sadness" or "avoidance" - how I wanted to detach myself from the rest of the world, especially to my own husband and son who I love very deeply, yet, still knew that I wanted to be a part of them and a larger collective, and allowing "that" whatever was inside me to paralaze me - isolate me... and then in those times, I would withdraw, collapse and silence myself, with my only hope for the season to pass, and January would bring a new beginning? ...and all would be okay again? That use to serve me, of NOT allowing myself to be who I am potentially becoming... I would go so far and then would stop myself...today, I am silent and gentle with myself moving through my minutes/hour/and on with the day. Funny how that sadness is mine, wasn't my husband's, nor son's and how that I blamed everyone else - and how right it was for me to continue, in silence, to carry on with "saddness" and too, I am amazed on how strong a hold the intellect can have on me if I allow it to... In the past, I spent days, weeks and you guessed it, even years of day dreaming about how i would like my life to unfold, and today I ask myself the question, "Is my life unfolding the way it fulfills me, is it moment to moment meaningful to me, yes, ME? ...
I know there is an urgency and a deep roar that is deep inside of me to wake up and live a life that is meaningful to ME - not to my husband, not to my son, not to my love ones, FOR MYSELF! It is not about trying "harder" "faster" and maybe right now to give myself permission to let go of the things in my life that aren't serving me anymore. How do I just be? What is this chaos all about, yet, I know that it is fine and all I need to do is relax into it and continue to engage, engage, engage. In these past six months I am choosing to move through my world differently. I am very grateful and humble for the people that have come into my life this past year and to see my world from new lens!

Is It Possible, More Then Two Things Can Co-Exist?

Here it is, an early cold wintery morning - all is quiet and peaceful, and I know that today, in a couple of hours, I can choice a very busy, hectic, stress-out day or move though my day more mindful and meaningful - yes, I am wanting to get ready for the festive season, and somehow I am continually being pulled to a different way too choose- at this time of year, there are many events and celebrations in my past that hold a lot of meaning to me - the music at this time of year resonates with me, snow falling in the woods, the warmth in the home of the wood-buring stove, people getting together and laughing, and the just-hanging-out-doing-nothing - hmm, I'm just sitting back and forgetting about all the things I didn't like about my life, and what brought a lot of joy to my husband and myself, was we both love to sing, and were in choirs together and also different choirs. Also, in its own way, when I hear the fiddle being played it exemplfies a sense of belonging to a group of people "Maritimers" (Sea side) that has become part of who I am, and who both my husband and son identify with who they are. Even though I am wanting to go forward with my life, I recognize that the time I lived in the Maritimes, is of great value to me - it is also part of me - i miss the ocean, and don't know what that is all about. Yet knew that every once in awhile it was important for my husband and I to take a drive to the ocean when we lived in the maritimes. Oh, just those gray days, it was always mystical for me to see for miles over the horizon, listen to rough waters, the angry sea, sounds of the waves crashing, that use to draw me to it, especially at this time of year - it was also a time when no one was around and I could walk for miles without seeing another human being - hmm, it was like it was healing - before, in my life I use to think that I had to give up what I had, in order to carry on - what if now, I can hold on to what is meaningful and continue to move through my world, enjoying what the new region has to offer, and yet enjoy what was meaningful for me from before? hmm...