Do WE Really Listen To What Each Other Is Saying?

I know that I am very different in how I am moving through my world now 'cause people comment on just that and my life is fun. I just had a conversation with a women and at the end of the conversation she said, "I just want to tell you that by you saying "no" to the group, to not wanting the piece of information that the group was handing out...it gave me space to ponder, how many times in my own life have I said "yes" to a piece of paper, that I really didn't want". After all, if someone took the time to put their perceived "most important points" on paper to hand out, we must see the value for ourselves. GEESH!!! What a "crock" that is!!!

How many times do we say "yes" to something that we clearly don't want. And, the kicker for me right now, how many times do I say "no" and even through a strong "no"...the culturally conditioning of others, believing they are "doing good", I still ended up with, that "damn" piece of paper. It was thrown to me across the table and talked about that I hadn't receive it from the previous session. Do we really listen to what each other is saying? I don't believe life needs to be difficult if we allow ourselves to "receive" as well.

I AM Moving Thru The "GAP"

I get it!!! Funny how, when I read that, it can mean something totally different than how I am saying that...I don't know if writing is always the "best" way to communicate. Sometimes too much is said, and then not enough being said, out of context...and then lots of presuppositions take place...

Okay, I get why I am "rambling"...here it comes...It doesn't matter what your opinion is of me...what matters for me, is that I take "100% responsibility" for my own life.

What does responsible mean?

To me, it is "taking" for yourself, ALL that is Yours! And I mean, it ALL! So the "stuff" that has been so "hidden" for years, that still drives your bus, and yes, wonder why you go in the direction of west, when you want to go east.

The "stuff" that you are aware of, yet, don't believe it is anything to "pay attention" to. And somehow, all of a sudden, a left curve comes flying in at you from no where. Or we believe...

The "stuff" that isn't yours, and continue to choose to"take on" that "stuff", "own it as yours" and wonder why the "weight" on your shoulders is so heavy. To add, not even realizing, that because we "choose" to "take on" other people's stuff, so I know I am speaking to many right now... that it doesn't allow someone else to step up to the plate of their own life. In other words, if we don't step up to the plate and "own" ALL of our stuff, then I believe, that doesn't allow someone to step up to their own life. In other words, do I "hold" someone back, because I don't own "ALL" of my own "stuff".

I know I have played a big "nurturer" most my life. That is not good, bad, right or wrong. Now I know there is so much more for me as I am having fun with many possibilities unfolding right now in my life...What is coming up for me right now, am I willing to "choose me" with all my imperfections (man, this morning, that ugly "PMS" head reared, right out of the blue, and I haven't experienced that for over a year and half) , to "own" it all. To just "take back" that "stuff" that has found a "lock down" position for over a year and half...although, I believe, all it is is more information for me to "dissolve" "metabolize", and it was only a benefit for me to hang on to this last bit, (OH, THE "GAP" I speak about!) as I move right into the "gap" releasing "it" out of my body right now...this is no longer serving me.

I get it!!! I am moving right through the "GAP" with no intention of STOPPING this...

I love this process of "writing" and swirling, always grounded, with a sense of "curiosity"...

Trust yourself!

Hmm, Looking at Parenting, Differently?

Today, I wonder what would it be like if all of "us" that deeply love our children...and I believe no one is exempt...and just let our children, adult children "BE"? Or, if our children would speak their truth and allowed to speak their truth, what kind of world would there be? What would that look like? I believe I now live that world!

For me it is never about the solution, only about the bigger question asked...here goes some of my experiences I have had over the course of these past two years...

Allow them to "be" in their "dark moments" and let them wallow in what gift it has to offer them?

I wonder know, is it really "dark moments' or a time of discovery more of oneSelf?

To outwardly give permission, so that they are not shut down, or as a parent we don't shut them done, from that next unfolding, this is another human being and of their own evolution?

To "be" okay in our own bodies, not "trying" to make it 'right' for them?

To "be" silent, not of force, yet "silence" as a safe place, and holding a safe place to listen to what they are saying? And not want we want to hear, nor, assuming they are fine, because they are "fitting" in...they need to be asked to hear their truth. Not saying, good, bad, right, or wrong..yet saying, we don't know what is there truth until we have a conversation with them. And that is always changing and ongoing...after all, we are organic.

To allow, the fire that is coming from their own body to be released in that moment. (No, that is not an invitation for them to tell everyone they wanted to tell off...yet, .for them to close their mouth, and honour the energy that will transform their life?) How many of us in society don't get that? One, for ourselves, and then for our children?

To allow them to say "no" when they mean "no", and honour with not "trying" to change that to what we think best? Or send them to the next person we believe will "help", betraying their own truth?

To allow ourselves to "insert" when we feel the intensity in our own bodies to speak up and out?

And there is more that I don't know, that I don't know...

I know there is a way that is open looped, and not the close loop that is quickly deteriorating us as a society and human race.

Remember, I am the "Queen" of "intrnalizing" eveyone else's stuff and making "it" my own. Geesh!!!

This is where I like to express "raw" "data" that comes from my inner core of who I am. I just type and whatever comes, comes. I haven't been here lately, off doing other things, and here I am right now, for me, and because you are reading this, notice for yourself, what ever comes up for you.

My whole body is of "sweat" "heat" and "agitation". I seem to be getting "Hit" from a pattern that has been going on for ever. I don't know what that pattern is, and I am willing and able to stay with that "right now". Yes, it is very "hidden"...

All my married life, I identified as my "ONLY" role as being a great mother. Oh, man people told me how wonderful of a job I was doing and I believed I was "one" of those mother's who was doing a wonderful job. And I was at the time, for what I knew at that time. Now, I know something more, to move differently that is expansive for me, life sustaning, life altering...

Fast forward, I moved to Ottawa with my husband. My only child, my son, moved on to Calgary.

My life, as well as my son's life, fell apart, each of us, for different reasons...I honor and respect the journey that has taken me to this point...What I am aware of is that I only "identified" myself as a "mother" and when I arrived in Ottawa from Halifax, and my son was not liking where he was, I internalized to the point it made me "collapse" thinking the the only thing in my life I was doing "right" I failed at... THIS IS SO CLEAR TO ME, this is nothing about my son.

I know now, I am not responsible for anyone else's journey...and that includes my son's. What is exciting to me, is how now I make sense to myself, staying present to my own truth (not what we have been culturally conditioned to believe our truth is) and this allows HUGE space for me...not my old way, of "trying" to figure it all out, or for one person to share their opionion, then I'd take that as my own truth (gospel truth), being okay for awhile, then, being "HIT" again with what I didn't want...NO! NO!

A way that invites "IT ALL" to come into my awareness. To know that I don't have to have my son's answers for him. I don't have to feel"WAITed" down, just because he is going through something profound for himself, in that moment, and because I "internalize" that he is not expressing "happiness", and I interpret as "SADDNESS"... do I really need to judge/analze that at all. After all, we all have moments, each and everyday, isn't that what being human is?

To accept that our children are human beings and they too have ebb and flow...sometimes the "dark" side is not the "dark" side at all...

And sometimes, I know I "annoy" him...yet for me to ask the bigger question, and that is how more clarity comes these days for me. To know, yes he is 21 right now, to let go...allow life to swirl around...be okay in the "I don't know, what I don't know"...to stay grounded is truly a huge awareness for me...not to spin off like a top, crazyingly hitting everything and anything in my physical, emotional and spiritual world, and to be "real" to the present moment, of here and now.

So what is this all about for me...it is the "gaps" I experience and how I Stop myself allowing my body to process that "just a neo-second more", I STOP myself and I don't want to speak up, and tell my truth, it is about staying clear that "internalizing" other people's stuff is not mine, I don't own it, don't have to own it, and staying present to myself that I need to voice just that. That meaning "I don't own it" yet, staying with what is coming up for me, and not to STOP THE GAP...silence myself...NO matter if I believe I "dominate" (ouch, somthing t pay attention to) or think people don't want to hear what I need to say for myself, or whatever other reason I can come up in my "little old head" that STOPS me from speaking up and out of my own truth. Remember, I am the Queen of "internalizing" everyone else's stuff and making "it" my own. Geesh!!!

Trust yourself