Remember, I am the "Queen" of "intrnalizing" eveyone else's stuff and making "it" my own. Geesh!!!

This is where I like to express "raw" "data" that comes from my inner core of who I am. I just type and whatever comes, comes. I haven't been here lately, off doing other things, and here I am right now, for me, and because you are reading this, notice for yourself, what ever comes up for you.

My whole body is of "sweat" "heat" and "agitation". I seem to be getting "Hit" from a pattern that has been going on for ever. I don't know what that pattern is, and I am willing and able to stay with that "right now". Yes, it is very "hidden"...

All my married life, I identified as my "ONLY" role as being a great mother. Oh, man people told me how wonderful of a job I was doing and I believed I was "one" of those mother's who was doing a wonderful job. And I was at the time, for what I knew at that time. Now, I know something more, to move differently that is expansive for me, life sustaning, life altering...

Fast forward, I moved to Ottawa with my husband. My only child, my son, moved on to Calgary.

My life, as well as my son's life, fell apart, each of us, for different reasons...I honor and respect the journey that has taken me to this point...What I am aware of is that I only "identified" myself as a "mother" and when I arrived in Ottawa from Halifax, and my son was not liking where he was, I internalized to the point it made me "collapse" thinking the the only thing in my life I was doing "right" I failed at... THIS IS SO CLEAR TO ME, this is nothing about my son.

I know now, I am not responsible for anyone else's journey...and that includes my son's. What is exciting to me, is how now I make sense to myself, staying present to my own truth (not what we have been culturally conditioned to believe our truth is) and this allows HUGE space for me...not my old way, of "trying" to figure it all out, or for one person to share their opionion, then I'd take that as my own truth (gospel truth), being okay for awhile, then, being "HIT" again with what I didn't want...NO! NO!

A way that invites "IT ALL" to come into my awareness. To know that I don't have to have my son's answers for him. I don't have to feel"WAITed" down, just because he is going through something profound for himself, in that moment, and because I "internalize" that he is not expressing "happiness", and I interpret as "SADDNESS"... do I really need to judge/analze that at all. After all, we all have moments, each and everyday, isn't that what being human is?

To accept that our children are human beings and they too have ebb and flow...sometimes the "dark" side is not the "dark" side at all...

And sometimes, I know I "annoy" him...yet for me to ask the bigger question, and that is how more clarity comes these days for me. To know, yes he is 21 right now, to let go...allow life to swirl around...be okay in the "I don't know, what I don't know"...to stay grounded is truly a huge awareness for me...not to spin off like a top, crazyingly hitting everything and anything in my physical, emotional and spiritual world, and to be "real" to the present moment, of here and now.

So what is this all about for me...it is the "gaps" I experience and how I Stop myself allowing my body to process that "just a neo-second more", I STOP myself and I don't want to speak up, and tell my truth, it is about staying clear that "internalizing" other people's stuff is not mine, I don't own it, don't have to own it, and staying present to myself that I need to voice just that. That meaning "I don't own it" yet, staying with what is coming up for me, and not to STOP THE GAP...silence myself...NO matter if I believe I "dominate" (ouch, somthing t pay attention to) or think people don't want to hear what I need to say for myself, or whatever other reason I can come up in my "little old head" that STOPS me from speaking up and out of my own truth. Remember, I am the Queen of "internalizing" everyone else's stuff and making "it" my own. Geesh!!!

Trust yourself