Intimacy...Living a Rich and Meaningful Life?

I feel the pull to blog. So much has happen in this week of coming to the Maritimes. It has been so calm, yet, so propelling, knowing that this is for my own growth. Yes, it is important for me to be aware, paying attention for people to know of how it will be a benefit for them, of what I offer, if they choose to engage with me.

Yes, this is so true...and where am I right now...something this week showed me so much more then I even imagine...

I took one day and drove down to Antigonish. This is where my aunt is. What I do want to say is that she was a very progression women and was strong, independent and loved life. I am only assuming, yet, see a very different women now and she is in a private nursing home. Yes, the environment is exactly what I would of imagine her to be in - looking out her window with green grass and sheep in the distance. I was just in aye of the surroundings and views that she could enjoy.

When I was sitting in her room with her. I asked her, "wow, do you ever just lie here and enjoy your view?"

The answer came back quickly and she replied, "no".

I am just devastated, and yes, that is a big word...I hurt to the core of how big she was in the world and how she has gone...oh yeah, i can see little glimmers of who she was, yet, she is gone.

The intimacy of conversations I had with her are gone. The joy that I shared with her of her being my aunt, and for me, being her niece are gone. The connection I shared with her, of being a Maritimer are gone.

Wow, waves and waves are coming...what is so gone out of my own life? I know that I am going to be okay when she chooses to go on... What is it about my own life that she is reflecting at me?

She never gave up and I am sure as a social worker after the war...there had to be many times that she just motored on with what she believed in her own being. Women at that time were not valued in the workplace and she rose to the top in her field. She never limited herself in the things that she wanted for herself.

At one point in the visit, I am sure she was seeing herself through me, and she didn't give up to look for her lipstick...in her grace, she took the little mirror and, like she always did all her life, put her lipstick on with pride (you know I don't even know the fitting word for how she put her lipstick on)...it brought out so much color to her, and I could see more of who she was in the world.

Yes, I feel "devastated" right now.....tears are flowing...

So, I am going to bring this back to me...do I limit myself? Maybe the bigger question for me, do I live a rich life?

There is something there right now...where do I live a rich life? I am not anywhere in the thinking of "money"....what is coming up for me, is, do I choose to live a "rich" meaningful life?
Do I always choose to do the things that have meaning to me? Do I choose to be around the people that allow me the space of a "rich meaningful life"?

This week was amazing...

I met up with some women this week that truly love who they are, and respect who I am in the world. The joy when I saw them...was only of Respect, Integrity and Generosity of Spirit...

I sit here and pause...i don't know if I have made sense, and that is not the intent of why I am blogging...I blog because it is "rich and meaningful" for me. I have lots to do today, making physical contact - hmm, the intimacy that is so rich and meaningful to me!

Do you live in the moment, a rich and meaningful life?

How easy it is when we make it that way...all i have to do is breathe!

Trust Yourself

How seductive and hidden all this becomes...and wonder, why is my life not working?

Today I am listening to the whisper. The clinic I am working out of this week, in the maritimes, is closed today. Before in my other life, I would have huge "rules" for myself, that I need to be doing "something" after all, I am here on business.

I stop, pause and breathe...

I have engaged with a few people already this morning...and how nice for me as I live with no rules, I didn't have anything holding me back from contacting people, before I would of spent the whole day "trying" to contact with no success AND as the day progressed, a sense of tiredness would of stopped me from doing what I really want to do. No more, I just breathe, and that brings me into the next moment. Nothing to do, nothing to try harder and faster...next impulse!

I have a sense in my own body, that I no longer have that tiredness that I use to be "con-summed" by. I am much lighter, clearer and solid.

Each conversation were meaningful this morning...so, how many times do we stop ourselves from doing what we really want to do. How many times do we stop ourselves and go down "A" pathway knowing that "B" is in front of us, to where it will be more meaningful and fulfilling.

"A" is a very "seductive" pull that continues to draw us, thinking that this is the answer...only to discover that something is hidden and we continue to get the same old, same old, and expecting DIFFERENT Results to our lives. How seductive and hidden all this becomes, that we believe is our truth...and we find ourselves in "default" once again. And wonder, why is my life not working...and by this age of 40/50/60 gaining more intensity to the craziness in our life, and not saying a word to anyone else outside ourselves. WHEW! What a wait to carry!!!

The cigar is never about the cigar.

One thing I am celebrating right now, I have taken "B" this week...I am not lucky...yet choose to be lucky!

Trust yourself and take a test drive in your own vehicle!

I Stopped...Paused and took a breathe....

Wow, this is my 100th post. As I look forward to what is happening in my life, I am aware of the "work" i have done to be right here, right now. Yes, "work" and at times it was not easy, and at times it was "effortless-effort".

This morning I had something presented to me, either as a gift, or something I could choose not to pay attention to. My son, and it is never about someone else, (whatever is coming up in my body is what I pay attention to) suggested that "someone else" misplaced his keys. Hmm, I could go into lots of stories, and because he was heading out of the door within seconds, and there may be no one home, when he returned home. I STOPPED...Paused and took a breathe...

I spoke out for myself, "I am no longer going to be blamed". Period. No this is not good, bad, right or wrong...yet, something I need to take back for myself.

What came up for me is that I am not willing to "TAKE ON" other people's stuff, and own it as mine. I am not talking about the "you have good energy, and that person has bad energy". No, I am talking about something very different.

If my body is not firing off, or nothing is showing up for me to pay attention...all is calm within me, then I would say that is a good indication that I don't have to pay attention. Do we as parents/adults have these experiences that we "take on" other people's stuff and own it.

As I am moving in my world, I am realizing I do a huge dis service to myself...because lots of blame and shame come my way when I choose to "take on others stuff"...and that I do a huge dis service to the person I am engaged with, because they don't have space open up to them, an opportunity to grow and own it for themselves, to find out more about themselves...because they think it is my stuff. Oh man, what an insanity dance!!!

Trust yourself next time this is presented to you...as a gift, or, as something you will not choose to pay attention to, or, it is someone else's stuff that you are owning...

It is no wonder that we are physically carry lots of unwanted "weight" to only suggest the tip of the ice berg...

pause... and then just breathe...