I Can Think Of Nothing Better Than...the beat is coming from within

I can think of no better place for me to be at this moment then to have my fingers pump out the beat that is coming from within...

Somehow I have slowed down to speed up...i know that deep inside me so much is happening...so much is changing for me...and it is becoming bigger, more and more is coming into my awareness that I just want to slow down to speed up...

Take care of my body as I hear the screams from within...information is moving so fast in my head area that I can't even keep up to the speed...I don't have to, I just have to let it go, let it move, let it release, dissolve, and integrate into my whole...

Where do I find my sacred space to open up to the places that make a difference to me? How does this look for me? What beliefs do I still carry that are limiting me? Maybe, it is about believing in what I already have... What values do I not speak up about that matter to me, and may seem somewhat "common sense" to others. Yes, it is none of my business what others think of me - yet where do I not speak up when I need to and it seems like common sense to someone else - a presupposition that may be made and I don't speak my own truth.

Fire is truly burning brightly in me these days...I see that it is the fire that makes a difference to moving forward to a rich in meaning life. It is not about forgiveness and being gentle - oh yeah, I love my life to be wonderfully peaceful most of the time. Yet, it is about this moment where I am experiencing such fire in my body that it will transform me in the nano-second.

This morning I am "tired" yet know that as the day and weeks move forward I will see the genius of my own evolution...I have been brave all my life and know that I no longer need to be brave alone.

So many amazing people are coming into my life...and all I need to do today is breathe!

Letting that Immense Fire to Be Funneled and Released

I opened up this blog, went upstairs for a tea, and made a toast with slathers of peanut butter smoothed on top...

Now is that not stopping the immensity of this 'fire' that is going through me right now!!!!

An hour ago I was 'disturbed' by work man outside my door. They are paving our crescent today and we have not be informed - no one has been notified in the crescent. The lack of respect I am feeling right now is going through me, and is not flowing with whom I am in the world, and this is only information for me to move, and know more of myself. I am not my past, and it presents itself for me to know the next decloaking...I'm staying right here, right now...

After all, this is "all about me"... sigh!

I went to the middle of my road, and the workman/machine stopped and I asked, "I want to speak to the head supervisor, right here, right now". I stood there in the middle of my road and after time the supervisor came with his worker.

As the supervisor and other man were approaching me, they were making jokes of it all. As they were in front of me, I said right out, "this is very disrespectful and why were we not informed prior?" I breathed....A huge story came out of the supervisor's mouth and he was certain of his own take, and wanting to go into "icebergs interacting". Again I breathed...I was very clear and spoke directly, "this is not about blaming, this is about not informing us beforehand". My back of my sheen's shook while I was speaking up and out, and noticed at times it would stop, and start up again. Thank God I know what I know...as I was clear of what I was wanting to say for myself.

I am going to stay with this as more and more will reveal itself, for me to know more about myself. It is not for me to "explode" and tell him "off" as i would of years ago. No, it is about letting that immense fire to be funnelled through my body and released. I am really going to stay with this all day, not the "make up more stories" yet the immensity of my fire. I do have a client in the afternoon and it will be interesting for me, as she parks her car on the North Service Road and walks in the crescent (on the lawns ) to arrive at my house. It is not about her, yet, about me on how I want to present myself to the world as I am moving out, my "business" is expanding. There is more to pay attention to...

How many times do I speak up like this, because i think to myself, oh well, they have started? How many times do I feel a sense of "not for me" and I have signed the contract? How many times do I accept an invitation and "it doesn't feel right". And how many times do I choose what I want - this is what I want, to go right into this "fire" - not easy, not fun, yet I have a bigger understanding of my self in this moment - that my voice matters, as well, all the voices in this crescent!!! We deserve "respect" by putting out a notice beforehand!!! Simple...And I am speaking up when I believe I am not receiving respect.

I don't live my life "flat-lined" anymore - I live from a place of so much joy and am attracting others in my life that live from that place as well. There are many people in my life, recently, that are manifesting what they want for themselves. I AM manifesting what I want for myself! Hmm, I respect myself...and I will speak up for the group, when it matters to me! This is freeing for me because I have always "waited" myself down because i thought I had to speak up for the group no matter if it meant my own truth or not. This time it is fresh...it matters to me, and I spoke up for the group. I am so clear that it is not about what I think it is about. Speaking up when it matters to me, and speaking up for the group, first and only, because it matters to me. Saying it again...I only speak up for the group when it matters to me. I have always been a person to "stir the pot" and to re-claim that awareness of myself right now is freeing...and how I don't have the gaps I use to experience as now I'm clear, open, and direct and make sense to me, as well to others, respecting myself of the "immense" fire that has always wanted to move through me. Imagine a world that we respect ourselves and respect others for who they are!!!...I am going to continue to let this rumble...

I'll be back,

Trust YourSelf

Embracing the full intensity of 'Irritation'!

The question that is arising, is, how much more space can I create for myself as I choose to grow?

The momentum I am creating is propelling me into a direction of my choosing, and I know that there is more space for me to be 'fuller'. The last few days I have been experiencing 'irritation'... now in this paradigm shift, from a WEL-Systems (R) context, I know this 'information' is presenting 'itself' for me to know more of who I am 'authentically'; the "real me"!

This is a very familiar feeling in my body and yet, it is not of my past. And maybe, it is from my past? In my world, many things can exist at the same time...what is this 'unknown' 'irritation'?

What does 'irritation' mean to me? What information does it hold for me? Am I willing and able to let this move or do I choose to keep 'it' from not moving?

The dictionary definition is "excite to anger, annoy - easily annoyed" from the pocket oxford dictionary. Okay, next impulse...I am looking up 'annoy' - "cause slight anger or mental distress to."

Some of that is making sense...and very clear to me that this, although not comfortable, is the 'fire energy' that propells me into my emerging future!

Well I am going to go into last evening as I could hardly 'contain' myself. (nice metaphor - 'contain') I was up doing something, then to the kitchen to 'eat' something wanting this to "go away", or to 'numb' this sensation. Again, I lied down, then back up again, spoke to my husband and found that it had no words (huge progression for me, as before I would not share this with my husband), and then, I just allowed 'it' to move, breathing...breathing...deeper breathes. Yes, a sensation of being "pissed off'!

What came up for me is that I didn't want to do what I had planned to do today. I wanted a change in my schedule, as my body needed some 'away from it all' time. Even though I am understanding that I engage, engage, and engage again...I also know that if my body is telling me to Pause, in that moment, and do what is meaningful to me, and then have fun, engaging, engaging, engaging, once again; in this dance 'it' all becomes 'right' for me. I am having so much fun having conversations that lite me up yet know in this moment, and just for this brief time....I DESERVE to have some time that has meaning for me. on my own. To boot, I know that I am no longer the 'lone wolf' and this 'moment' is a time to nourish me - and I choose to do it, alone.

This is kind of funny, yet, not very often in my past, when I would get to this point I would say I was "sick". Well, that created a lot of rules for me because I would have to 'stay' in bed, not go out of the house because someone would see me, and 'prison' myself, only because I DESERVE some time for myself. How crazy is that? Sounds like I was counterproductive! And getting more of what I didn't want!!!

This 'excited irritation' is unfolding in a new way. I wonder if this is something I would 'push down' to not make myself 'big' or visible? Hmm, Which choices do I make that allow me to be 'visible' and 'excited irritation'...to be 'visible' having an 'excited irritation'?

Hmm, as I write that last sentence...there is a knowing that I made a lot of rules, as well, lots of rules came into my world about 'visible' having 'excited irritiation'.

I hear my own inner voice saying to me, "must be cool, calm and collective".

How easy it is for me to "congratulate", "honor" and especially if you are male, to think way more of you, then myself. (I am not looking to ridicule men, this is just an awareness that I held true to myself up to this moment, and no more.) No more because it keeps me small, and it keeps the men in my life small - let alone, other men in the world.

Even last night I was not giving myself permision to 'embrace' all of this energy. I was doing what I have done in the past, to do everything else execpt to allow the full intensity of this information to move.

Trust YourSelf

Do I Speak All My Truth?

Last night, and today I have a sense of 'agitation'. This is not about it being right, wrong, good or bad that I am experiencing. It is something I am experiencing right now, and for me, to see what intelligent information it holds for me?

These past three months I have spent a lot of time with my own family and extended family on both sides; on my husband's and my own family. It has been nothing short of amazing for me. It has been a "gift" I have given myself, to understand more of who I am. Not always easy.

"Agitation" in my body doesn't feel familiar and yet, it feels very familiar. It doesn't feel familiar because it is something that I know I have shut down for years because I was so culturally conditioned to be "nice". No way, would I ever express what my own truth, knowing that there would be a lot of "agitation" in my outside world. And would I be "nice" to myself, even though I was experiencing "agitation" in my body?

Last night when I came home from a two day trip with my" adult son"...i experienced something of a different perspective...at dinner time so much "agitation" was going through me, before I would silence myself to this "agitation" and the only place it would be able to go is inward...this "agitation" I was experiencing last night, I spoke up and out my truth and said to my husband..."Right now, I am experiencing information that is "extreme" moving in my body". "I don't want to talk right now, as so much is moving". I decided to get up from the table and go on my own. Now, I believed that I was clear, honest, open and direct with what I was letting him know.

Later that evening my son came home and asked me "what was happening with me?" as he talked with his father about what "they" felt was happening.

I am noticing how easy it is for us to "point our fingers" everywhere else, exempt inward to ourselves. No, I am not even interested in pointing my finger inward. What I am interested in, is allowing myself to be clearer of what is happening, in my own "agitation" for myself. Or, paying attention to what is going off in my body or not. Now, what is getting wonderful in my life, is that my body isn't with all that shame and guilt I held before. To add, I am not exempt from me experiencing the "more" as I am a living organic being always going towards growth.

The "agitation" I have going through my body is about me. Is it "okay" in my body, knowing that I am a very curious person and always been the one to stir the pot? Or, have I re-claimed, own that for myself right now, of "agitation" in my body?

Is it safe for me to speak out now, all my truth of how I see my world, (not just most of my truth) and possibly you may see your world with similar lens? And, not to place "worry" on what anyone else may say or do?

From the Webster dictionary:
agitation - disturbance, mental or physical, esp. worry, public disturbance on a large scale or the process of creating it.

I can feel that I make a huge difference to my world and the world around me. Am I willing and able to speak ALL of my truth and not be "agitated" by my outside world? In this past week I have declared, "no more verbal violence in my own home". Am I willing to stay right with this, or will I water down what my truth is - to make it "nice" for everyone?

Somehow, I know I cannot turn back!

Trust Yourself

No More Violence In My Home!

This early morning is quiet, peaceful, and there is no sign of "awakening"?

Ahh, how I love these mornings that I have not experienced in a long time. As I layed in bed, wide awake this morning, I jumped out of bed to make myself a cup of tea, and then downstairs to blog...

I haven't created this space for myself for a while...how it just feels good and how I know that I want to blog about how much has changed in my life...yes, again in quantum speed, only since April at the Power, Purpose, and Passion, a WEL-Systems (R) retreat when I declared, "no more violence in my home".

I always thought to myself that this secret I kept so tightly to my chest, would be okay for me to "keep to myself" with no outcome...in other words, "Don't say anything and IT will go away".

How exhausting it has been over the years to "wish" it away, each time the verbal abuse would happen - the knowing in my body was felt with much intensity - and then I would soldier on, to get on, with the next moment. Somehow, as I talk to my own clients about the insanity dance...I was choosing to have an insanity dance that was so hidden, with no awareness for me to even come to some understanding that "violence was happening in my own home"!

I just spent a week in Calgary with extended family. What I became curious about is how easy it is for us to blame everyone else, and not to look at ourselves for what can potentially be a paradoxical moment to claiming more of who we are. To finding out more of who we are and becoming. No, not about turning the conversation into a blaming match...to pause, and just create safe space for myself, and other's to look at that moment from new eyes.

The aha's come fast in those moments because the body always knows. We know what we want and desire. Yet...Do we always allow ourselves to speak our own truth? Do we allow other's to speak their own truth? Do we want to "control" other's opinions so that our world can stay the same? Do we truly listen to what other's are saying; only to be thinking of what is coming out of our own mouths? Do we respect ourselves, and then honour the same respect for the other person? No, I don't have to take on their opinion for my own, yet, I do believe respecting and listening to what they have to say matters (both to me and them). After all, I believe, what is coming out of your mouth, is really about your own internal landscape. How amazing that is for me, as I am up for truly "intimate" conversations and no longer even experience that disconnect that I experienced not to long ago. I see in my own life, I am "hungry" for conversations that expand lives - both mine and yours!

Yes, since April my life has expanded into ways that I could never even imagine!

One thing that I welcome, and always was so hidden in me (or was it?)...because I knew my home was not a happy place to come to...and now that has taken a complete turn...my home has a welcome sign now...I have had more guests, friends and family stay or visit in my home since April then I care to count on my hand in the past years.

Tears are coming now...this is such an amazing truth for me. How simple it is just to state my truth in that moment at PPP in April. I gave up the notion of what people will think of me...after all I had gone so far in my own evolution, how could I miss something as huge as, "allowing violence in my own home"?

I welcome you to leave your comments on this blog, if the pull is there for you to speak, I would love to hear from you. This topic alone will make a difference to our world. If everyone chooses to Respect themselves, and then respect each other, we would be able to take life to a higher place, and work on more interesting endevours....and not the insanity dance we keep getting of violence in our own homes that ultimately spreads out into society.

As I breathe deeply on the exhale

Intimacy...Living a Rich and Meaningful Life?

I feel the pull to blog. So much has happen in this week of coming to the Maritimes. It has been so calm, yet, so propelling, knowing that this is for my own growth. Yes, it is important for me to be aware, paying attention for people to know of how it will be a benefit for them, of what I offer, if they choose to engage with me.

Yes, this is so true...and where am I right now...something this week showed me so much more then I even imagine...

I took one day and drove down to Antigonish. This is where my aunt is. What I do want to say is that she was a very progression women and was strong, independent and loved life. I am only assuming, yet, see a very different women now and she is in a private nursing home. Yes, the environment is exactly what I would of imagine her to be in - looking out her window with green grass and sheep in the distance. I was just in aye of the surroundings and views that she could enjoy.

When I was sitting in her room with her. I asked her, "wow, do you ever just lie here and enjoy your view?"

The answer came back quickly and she replied, "no".

I am just devastated, and yes, that is a big word...I hurt to the core of how big she was in the world and how she has gone...oh yeah, i can see little glimmers of who she was, yet, she is gone.

The intimacy of conversations I had with her are gone. The joy that I shared with her of her being my aunt, and for me, being her niece are gone. The connection I shared with her, of being a Maritimer are gone.

Wow, waves and waves are coming...what is so gone out of my own life? I know that I am going to be okay when she chooses to go on... What is it about my own life that she is reflecting at me?

She never gave up and I am sure as a social worker after the war...there had to be many times that she just motored on with what she believed in her own being. Women at that time were not valued in the workplace and she rose to the top in her field. She never limited herself in the things that she wanted for herself.

At one point in the visit, I am sure she was seeing herself through me, and she didn't give up to look for her lipstick...in her grace, she took the little mirror and, like she always did all her life, put her lipstick on with pride (you know I don't even know the fitting word for how she put her lipstick on)...it brought out so much color to her, and I could see more of who she was in the world.

Yes, I feel "devastated" right now.....tears are flowing...

So, I am going to bring this back to me...do I limit myself? Maybe the bigger question for me, do I live a rich life?

There is something there right now...where do I live a rich life? I am not anywhere in the thinking of "money"....what is coming up for me, is, do I choose to live a "rich" meaningful life?
Do I always choose to do the things that have meaning to me? Do I choose to be around the people that allow me the space of a "rich meaningful life"?

This week was amazing...

I met up with some women this week that truly love who they are, and respect who I am in the world. The joy when I saw them...was only of Respect, Integrity and Generosity of Spirit...

I sit here and pause...i don't know if I have made sense, and that is not the intent of why I am blogging...I blog because it is "rich and meaningful" for me. I have lots to do today, making physical contact - hmm, the intimacy that is so rich and meaningful to me!

Do you live in the moment, a rich and meaningful life?

How easy it is when we make it that way...all i have to do is breathe!

Trust Yourself

How seductive and hidden all this becomes...and wonder, why is my life not working?

Today I am listening to the whisper. The clinic I am working out of this week, in the maritimes, is closed today. Before in my other life, I would have huge "rules" for myself, that I need to be doing "something" after all, I am here on business.

I stop, pause and breathe...

I have engaged with a few people already this morning...and how nice for me as I live with no rules, I didn't have anything holding me back from contacting people, before I would of spent the whole day "trying" to contact with no success AND as the day progressed, a sense of tiredness would of stopped me from doing what I really want to do. No more, I just breathe, and that brings me into the next moment. Nothing to do, nothing to try harder and faster...next impulse!

I have a sense in my own body, that I no longer have that tiredness that I use to be "con-summed" by. I am much lighter, clearer and solid.

Each conversation were meaningful this morning...so, how many times do we stop ourselves from doing what we really want to do. How many times do we stop ourselves and go down "A" pathway knowing that "B" is in front of us, to where it will be more meaningful and fulfilling.

"A" is a very "seductive" pull that continues to draw us, thinking that this is the answer...only to discover that something is hidden and we continue to get the same old, same old, and expecting DIFFERENT Results to our lives. How seductive and hidden all this becomes, that we believe is our truth...and we find ourselves in "default" once again. And wonder, why is my life not working...and by this age of 40/50/60 gaining more intensity to the craziness in our life, and not saying a word to anyone else outside ourselves. WHEW! What a wait to carry!!!

The cigar is never about the cigar.

One thing I am celebrating right now, I have taken "B" this week...I am not lucky...yet choose to be lucky!

Trust yourself and take a test drive in your own vehicle!