Marie , I know that writing things down will help gain more clarity for me -hmm...what is screaming at me from deep down inside me, is not to play out old strategies that aren't serving me now? How do I move in my world now? Do I just do nothing or is it time to engage? Am I aware of what they are, and do they still serve me?- what is coming up in me, is the strategy of "depression" and how that served me in the past. What it allowed me to do, and what it allowed me to avoid, not do... right now, today, I am paying attention, and for some reason, especially at this time of year when I placed a lot of expecations on myself, and I am sure on my immediate family - and, let's not forget all the culturally conditioned stuff - some warm memories and other memories that deep down inside me I want to scream - NO WAY!!!! As I am going through my day right now, I am awake to the "sadness" or "avoidance" - how I wanted to detach myself from the rest of the world, especially to my own husband and son who I love very deeply, yet, still knew that I wanted to be a part of them and a larger collective, and allowing "that" whatever was inside me to paralaze me - isolate me... and then in those times, I would withdraw, collapse and silence myself, with my only hope for the season to pass, and January would bring a new beginning? ...and all would be okay again? That use to serve me, of NOT allowing myself to be who I am potentially becoming... I would go so far and then would stop myself...today, I am silent and gentle with myself moving through my minutes/hour/and on with the day. Funny how that sadness is mine, wasn't my husband's, nor son's and how that I blamed everyone else - and how right it was for me to continue, in silence, to carry on with "saddness" and too, I am amazed on how strong a hold the intellect can have on me if I allow it to... In the past, I spent days, weeks and you guessed it, even years of day dreaming about how i would like my life to unfold, and today I ask myself the question, "Is my life unfolding the way it fulfills me, is it moment to moment meaningful to me, yes, ME? ...
I know there is an urgency and a deep roar that is deep inside of me to wake up and live a life that is meaningful to ME - not to my husband, not to my son, not to my love ones, FOR MYSELF! It is not about trying "harder" "faster" and maybe right now to give myself permission to let go of the things in my life that aren't serving me anymore. How do I just be? What is this chaos all about, yet, I know that it is fine and all I need to do is relax into it and continue to engage, engage, engage. In these past six months I am choosing to move through my world differently. I am very grateful and humble for the people that have come into my life this past year and to see my world from new lens!
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2 comments:
hi marie,
The holidays also brings things up to the surface for me to choose to pay attention too. And I feel that it probably does for many out there. You are definitly not alone:) I was pondering the same thing you spoke about in your entry and though this year is very different then past holidays..... things still come up. In away the holidays for me is a gift. Its an opportunity to let go of all the things I choose not to do in the past and start choosing to create the life that is truly meaningful. and sometimes that means (for me) to let go of the stories of past holidays where I choose to be asleep. and with that..."depression" seemed to be an intellegent response. Through the feelings that are coming up for me...is HUGE change and potential...a gateway for more. All I have to do is surrender to it...put attention into it...and choose meaningful in each moment. No matter how "small" it might be. choosing to believe that there is more...even when you havn't seen it yet or experienced it yet. It really isn't about what I wish I had....its about finding the beauty in what I do have and choosing to continue to do so in every moment. Afterall.....its through the "small" choices of perception changes that creates the glow of ourselves to become very bright.
Thanks for your entry....I know I am not alone too:)
Christmas is not about having what you "think" it should be be..but rather discovering more of who you are...in whatever presents:) I need to remind myself of this. When I do...my experience with others instantly shifts.
merry christmas:)
Hi Marie - nice to see oyu. I had a tough Christmas this year and it was nice to read your Blog. I think of you often and wonder how you are. Love your smile!
Claire
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