Here I am on someone else's computer to sign in...something has come into my awareness,
the password I have been signing in since I have been blogging on this site, does not serve me anymore...WOW!!!! Who I have thought I was has done a FLIP...my world has become so much bigger and it was all about CLAIMING back something that was not making sense to me, yet so outside of myself, sooo obvious to my outside world...weight...hmmm yes, there is a connection to wait for me....weight/wait
My weight has not been talked or even a concern by me for over five years...i just surrendered to the weight and let myself move without judgement to myself about my size - throughout these past five years I have moved my body and felt great about that. There was something inside of me that just knew that it was different then thinking about good nutrition, walking, moving my body, taking care of myself, going to massage, laughing, oh, man just the list goes on...I was doing all those great things that made a huge difference to my well-being and especially in this last year...AND I WAS STILL at a increased weight that was WAITING me down.....what has come into my awareness a very different through, from the flip side looking down - I know I am BLAA, BLAA, BLAA, GREAT and I just couldn't understand the incredible changes I have gone through of taking care of myself - the weight should melt off of me....Right!!!! Make's too much sense and it wasn't happening????
Well, this past week, at Oceanstone, engaged in the "Entrepreneurial" a Wel-systems program, investing in myself, it gave me time to STOP and find some clarity of the WHY Weight/WHY Wait...I am very clear that I stand at choice looking up into my future, and whatever has come from my past I choose differently (not that insane way from my past, that I habitually was always choosing because I didn't know any different) - INSANITY - DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN, AND EXPECTING Different RESULTS??!!...and it is very clear to me that if there is something that is so hidden yet so profound in my life I pay attention - there really is nothing "free" in life - PAY Attention...
What I discovered for myself, was a very simple yet profound, life changing 'whatever'....that i am aware of now...I am from a family of many, that is not as important as, I moved thru the world with 12 other children in my childhood. I remember clearly when I was sixteen and we were all going out for a picnic/swim day trip. We had a station wagon and a car. Our cars were okay, and not always dependable. My mom and dad and other's left the driveway in the station wagon to head for the outing and I was the driver of the other vehicle, the car, with some of my younger siblings. All I wanted was the other vehicle to stay in the driveway until I had the car running and from there I would be okay. Yet the panic was looking in my rear view mirror and seeing my dad driving down the street....all I wanted was for someone to "WAIT" a second, just a second, for me to start the car.
Lots is moving in me right now and I know I need to be easy on myself..I get so PISSED off when someone is showing me something, that I know able to operate, and i allow myself to get talked down too. (WOW, I will pay attention to that, believing now that i live in a holographic universe - I created that) This is not bad or good, positive or negative - this is something that I am going to just relax into and allowing myself some "SLACK" and not beat myself up. Does my inside world reflect my outside world? Over the course of the next few weeks, I am excited to discover the ME that I have hidin' for years, there is more, and I am up for it!!!
Monday, February 25, 2008
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
How do we get to a pattern of "Personal Destructive Ways"?
For the past days I have been in S. Ontario visiting my family. I am very clear on who I am, and allowed each moment to unfold, moment by moment. My childhood friend and I talked to the early hours of the morning - the next day she had a terrific migraine and spent the whole day in bed - this hasn't happen to her for years.
It is very clear to me that I make a difference. I talk about things that are meaningful to me, which allows another to talk about what is meaningful to them. These are conversations that we don't allow ourselves to have because we are too busy with work, children, and now the pressure we put on ourselves, to care for our aging parents, losing ourselves in all of this and worse the excuses we give ourselves that bring us into "personal destructive ways"..... eating too much, or not enough, drinking too much, medicating ourselves and thinking it is only an over the counter drug (I am sure we should have a share in the company by now...HA! HA!) and on and on of patterns/behaviour that hinder us...
We, no stronger for me, "I" have been taught to "suck it up" and move through this. Well, what I have discovered is that "suck it up" gets bigger and gains momentum - then, I crash and want to disengaged from the whole collective, and even worse myself.
It is meaningful to me, to be ME, and not have to pretend that I am like this person, or have traits like this person, or like my father, or not like my father, like my mother (oh, big one for me...) I too was very aware of all of the "collusion" and close loop games that are played - even though I don't want any part of that and yet how I am still coherst in without wanting to...that's a"slippery slope" to me, of becoming part of it - truly knowing that I don't want any part of it and yet BANG it is right in my face. Was that an old way that I use to move through the world and...hmm, this weekend I had no other choice, because I like who I am, I had to Stand Up and say NO MORE!!!!
What I didn't like was now that I am saying no - what does that mean for me? Isolation? and believe me, to my surprize, I had so many in the family come up to me, to talk, laugh, and just want to be who they are around me...I don't know if one brother realized, at the family gathering he kissed me on my cheek, on three different occasions, with him saying good-bye to the family. I am sure he didn't notice, and there were many situations of people coming up to me this weekend...I did notice other people wanting to eat at my table, two people came rushing to my table at the end of our dinner, and sat right down beside me - I was talking to a brother I really have always enjoyed to talk to - he is vibrate yet I see "angry" appearing - the long and short for me, and I need to see this up in writing right now, is that they were so excited to talk to me about something... and realizing in myself that I haven't been the attractor for years...funny how, we ALL can be attractors in our own life...
No, people want to live with Fulfillment, Meaning, ROBUST!!! In other words, because it is always about "ME". I want to live with Fulfillment, Meaning and Robust...
Let me look up those three words from the Winston Canadian Dictionary...
1. fulfillment...to complete or accomplish, to do, or carry out
2.meaning...expressive, full of significance, intention
3.robust....strong, vigorous; sturdy
Some people will fall away, and that is okay, and I noticed who are falling away...and it is "surprizing" to me who is wanting to be in my life - is that what I am attracting??? Hmm, right now I am having a different thought, not what I believed all my life...I am the driver of this "XC 70 Volvo" - I had to put that in because that is what we are buying soon...LOTS OF LAUGHS!!! I am the driver of this vehicle - because I SAY SO!!!!
I have a brother coming this afternoon, I didn't believe ever, that he would ever believe he could come and visist me...tears of joy are coming from deep in me right now, and I'm going to stay with it....I am going to hang out with him for the next days to come- I have never sat in "parliament" and that is something we both enjoy, and are going to do together...sooo much to do here in Ottawa and Ottawa is fun!!!! It was meaningful for me to blogg and wow, great insight I had that I carried all my life, and all I did was write my OWN truth...
It is very clear to me that I make a difference. I talk about things that are meaningful to me, which allows another to talk about what is meaningful to them. These are conversations that we don't allow ourselves to have because we are too busy with work, children, and now the pressure we put on ourselves, to care for our aging parents, losing ourselves in all of this and worse the excuses we give ourselves that bring us into "personal destructive ways"..... eating too much, or not enough, drinking too much, medicating ourselves and thinking it is only an over the counter drug (I am sure we should have a share in the company by now...HA! HA!) and on and on of patterns/behaviour that hinder us...
We, no stronger for me, "I" have been taught to "suck it up" and move through this. Well, what I have discovered is that "suck it up" gets bigger and gains momentum - then, I crash and want to disengaged from the whole collective, and even worse myself.
It is meaningful to me, to be ME, and not have to pretend that I am like this person, or have traits like this person, or like my father, or not like my father, like my mother (oh, big one for me...) I too was very aware of all of the "collusion" and close loop games that are played - even though I don't want any part of that and yet how I am still coherst in without wanting to...that's a"slippery slope" to me, of becoming part of it - truly knowing that I don't want any part of it and yet BANG it is right in my face. Was that an old way that I use to move through the world and...hmm, this weekend I had no other choice, because I like who I am, I had to Stand Up and say NO MORE!!!!
What I didn't like was now that I am saying no - what does that mean for me? Isolation? and believe me, to my surprize, I had so many in the family come up to me, to talk, laugh, and just want to be who they are around me...I don't know if one brother realized, at the family gathering he kissed me on my cheek, on three different occasions, with him saying good-bye to the family. I am sure he didn't notice, and there were many situations of people coming up to me this weekend...I did notice other people wanting to eat at my table, two people came rushing to my table at the end of our dinner, and sat right down beside me - I was talking to a brother I really have always enjoyed to talk to - he is vibrate yet I see "angry" appearing - the long and short for me, and I need to see this up in writing right now, is that they were so excited to talk to me about something... and realizing in myself that I haven't been the attractor for years...funny how, we ALL can be attractors in our own life...
No, people want to live with Fulfillment, Meaning, ROBUST!!! In other words, because it is always about "ME". I want to live with Fulfillment, Meaning and Robust...
Let me look up those three words from the Winston Canadian Dictionary...
1. fulfillment...to complete or accomplish, to do, or carry out
2.meaning...expressive, full of significance, intention
3.robust....strong, vigorous; sturdy
Some people will fall away, and that is okay, and I noticed who are falling away...and it is "surprizing" to me who is wanting to be in my life - is that what I am attracting??? Hmm, right now I am having a different thought, not what I believed all my life...I am the driver of this "XC 70 Volvo" - I had to put that in because that is what we are buying soon...LOTS OF LAUGHS!!! I am the driver of this vehicle - because I SAY SO!!!!
I have a brother coming this afternoon, I didn't believe ever, that he would ever believe he could come and visist me...tears of joy are coming from deep in me right now, and I'm going to stay with it....I am going to hang out with him for the next days to come- I have never sat in "parliament" and that is something we both enjoy, and are going to do together...sooo much to do here in Ottawa and Ottawa is fun!!!! It was meaningful for me to blogg and wow, great insight I had that I carried all my life, and all I did was write my OWN truth...
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Nothing Will Change For Me Until I Change The Conversation I Have With MYSELF!!!!
I not even blogging and I am already looking up "bored" in the dictionary. In looking up that word, my eyes go directly to "bore" weary by tedious talk or dullness (Oxford Dictionary)....hmm...
Well a place to start this blogg.....
This past week I have been allowing my 'body' to just roll around in the 'stuff' that it wanted to...Monday was a 'first' for me - allowing myself to do what I wanted to do, not do anything, eat when I wanted to, sleep when I wanted to, read when I wanted to, listen to CD's when I wanted to, get up when I wanted to, take a bath (in the middle of the day - wow, big rules there!!!), wear my pj's all day (I don't think I have ever done that, and yes, very aware when I was a child and was "sick" is the only time I did). Hmm, that actually brings some awareness to me, when I was sick and in my pj's - was the only time I really spent with my mom on a one-to-one - there are many siblings in my family... even though my mom was busy doing many "loads" of laundry, breakfast dishes, and working in the home, it was an amazing- wonderful experience for me, for just that one day, because I had her undivided attention - and how, disappointed I felt when my younger brother's and sister came through the door at the end of the day...that was 'it' for me to have that 'bond' between just my mom and I, and then the start of a busy afternoon, evening...fun and not so fun....
I no longer carry the belief that it is 'selfess' to allow myself the time with one individual and how many times I would 'try' to include someone else, just to be aware of the 'other person'. (certainly there is no right or wrong in this, yet... big consequences for me, because I made myself 'responsible' for someone else, so "they would fit in") AND I guess that is why I respect someone that is engaged in conversation with another person that I don't join in. It is not about me being self conconsious or whatever, it is simply that I enjoy one-on-one conversations. Not to get me wrong, on the power of many, I get that, I am from a large family - I see the amazing growth from topics that are discussed with many different ways to look at from many lens....And what I don't get right now, is that one-on-one conversation....no, I don't have to feel burden with the responsiblity of always making sure I include others because, hmm, I can hear Louise Lebrun say, the only two conversation going on in your life are, the one you have with yourself, and the one with another person - that's it...
What is resonating with me, and getting clearer as I write, is the conversation I have with myself. Maybe that is what Monday and this whole week was all about...what are the conversations I'm having with myself? I kind of find it funny, yet going back to my initial few sentences I talked about, the words I have come up with, "bored", "bore"...am I having conversations with myself that are dull, ones that don't light me up? Marie, nothing will change for you until you change the conversations that you have with yourself...come on! I really believe I have amazing conversations with many people, yet do I truly have amazing conversations with MYSELF? Do I really allow myself to dream of the possibilities for ME? AM I really "wallowing" in my potential of who I am capable of becoming? You know, this is where I seem to stop myself, each time I am this far into an amazing journey...and I STOP IN MY OWN TRACKS...I am thinking to myself, how can this time be different?...
well, Marie, you just wrote about how it can be different...instead of looking outside (externally referenced) look inside (internally reference) for MY own answers. I know that I am really fine and relax into allowing myself to dream once again...I am okay and can really give myself the permission to change when and if I want to...i don't need anyone else to guide me, help me, lean on me. You know, this has never been told to ME!!!!!!!...you are very powerful, strong and Highly Capable to DO amazing things that are ME. Things that I get excited about!!! Things that spark my attention!!! Things that I am passionate about. Oh, there is a word that I use in conversation for other's but do I use for me? "PASSIONATE" hmm, I haven't even used that word for me - for my students, yes, for my son, yes, but I haven't ever considered what I am passionate about...
This is so much clearer to me, and I am thankful to be "ALIVE" and "AWAKE" in knowing that something more than surface stuff is happening right now, I am thankful to myself to relax into this choas and clearer on what is happening...before I would just get the "flu" and after the week go back to my life and not be any wiser....
This weekend I am going to S.Ontario to be with family and friends - can't wait, and excited about how life is unfolding, because I get to show up as ME!!! Some are not there anymore in my life, that's okay with me, and it is exciting to be with the ones that are meaningful to ME!!! I no longer have to explain myself to anyone. PERIOD!!!
Next week I am going to have one of my brother's come and visit, a brother I never dreamed would ever even see the possiblities of coming for a visist ---I am looking forward to the experience and time spent with him - I know he is an amazing gift to me, to see so much more of my own potential...
From there I'm going to Halifax/Dartmouth, spending time with Amy, and I know lots of possiblilites are going to come into my awareness. THANKS!!! Also, I am very excited about Oceanstone (there is something there for me, in allowing to have endings, and life will unfold to possiblities...) And how much better does it get, attending "entreprenual women" from the 18th to 21 of Feb...spending time with other women that 'speak the same language'...and I must say to myself, I have never been in a program with Louise that I haven't had quantum growth leaving the program room...I am excited to my own possiblitlites and yes, I know I will be standing in a stronger, more powerful, MORE ME place!!!!!
This has been great to take some time to blogg today...funny how I could be doing all those busy things that probably need to be done, and when I take time out for ME, my life comes together, and my "boring" mundane things, get done in quicker time?!
I am catching the next deep breathe right now!!!!
Well a place to start this blogg.....
This past week I have been allowing my 'body' to just roll around in the 'stuff' that it wanted to...Monday was a 'first' for me - allowing myself to do what I wanted to do, not do anything, eat when I wanted to, sleep when I wanted to, read when I wanted to, listen to CD's when I wanted to, get up when I wanted to, take a bath (in the middle of the day - wow, big rules there!!!), wear my pj's all day (I don't think I have ever done that, and yes, very aware when I was a child and was "sick" is the only time I did). Hmm, that actually brings some awareness to me, when I was sick and in my pj's - was the only time I really spent with my mom on a one-to-one - there are many siblings in my family... even though my mom was busy doing many "loads" of laundry, breakfast dishes, and working in the home, it was an amazing- wonderful experience for me, for just that one day, because I had her undivided attention - and how, disappointed I felt when my younger brother's and sister came through the door at the end of the day...that was 'it' for me to have that 'bond' between just my mom and I, and then the start of a busy afternoon, evening...fun and not so fun....
I no longer carry the belief that it is 'selfess' to allow myself the time with one individual and how many times I would 'try' to include someone else, just to be aware of the 'other person'. (certainly there is no right or wrong in this, yet... big consequences for me, because I made myself 'responsible' for someone else, so "they would fit in") AND I guess that is why I respect someone that is engaged in conversation with another person that I don't join in. It is not about me being self conconsious or whatever, it is simply that I enjoy one-on-one conversations. Not to get me wrong, on the power of many, I get that, I am from a large family - I see the amazing growth from topics that are discussed with many different ways to look at from many lens....And what I don't get right now, is that one-on-one conversation....no, I don't have to feel burden with the responsiblity of always making sure I include others because, hmm, I can hear Louise Lebrun say, the only two conversation going on in your life are, the one you have with yourself, and the one with another person - that's it...
What is resonating with me, and getting clearer as I write, is the conversation I have with myself. Maybe that is what Monday and this whole week was all about...what are the conversations I'm having with myself? I kind of find it funny, yet going back to my initial few sentences I talked about, the words I have come up with, "bored", "bore"...am I having conversations with myself that are dull, ones that don't light me up? Marie, nothing will change for you until you change the conversations that you have with yourself...come on! I really believe I have amazing conversations with many people, yet do I truly have amazing conversations with MYSELF? Do I really allow myself to dream of the possibilities for ME? AM I really "wallowing" in my potential of who I am capable of becoming? You know, this is where I seem to stop myself, each time I am this far into an amazing journey...and I STOP IN MY OWN TRACKS...I am thinking to myself, how can this time be different?...
well, Marie, you just wrote about how it can be different...instead of looking outside (externally referenced) look inside (internally reference) for MY own answers. I know that I am really fine and relax into allowing myself to dream once again...I am okay and can really give myself the permission to change when and if I want to...i don't need anyone else to guide me, help me, lean on me. You know, this has never been told to ME!!!!!!!...you are very powerful, strong and Highly Capable to DO amazing things that are ME. Things that I get excited about!!! Things that spark my attention!!! Things that I am passionate about. Oh, there is a word that I use in conversation for other's but do I use for me? "PASSIONATE" hmm, I haven't even used that word for me - for my students, yes, for my son, yes, but I haven't ever considered what I am passionate about...
This is so much clearer to me, and I am thankful to be "ALIVE" and "AWAKE" in knowing that something more than surface stuff is happening right now, I am thankful to myself to relax into this choas and clearer on what is happening...before I would just get the "flu" and after the week go back to my life and not be any wiser....
This weekend I am going to S.Ontario to be with family and friends - can't wait, and excited about how life is unfolding, because I get to show up as ME!!! Some are not there anymore in my life, that's okay with me, and it is exciting to be with the ones that are meaningful to ME!!! I no longer have to explain myself to anyone. PERIOD!!!
Next week I am going to have one of my brother's come and visit, a brother I never dreamed would ever even see the possiblities of coming for a visist ---I am looking forward to the experience and time spent with him - I know he is an amazing gift to me, to see so much more of my own potential...
From there I'm going to Halifax/Dartmouth, spending time with Amy, and I know lots of possiblilites are going to come into my awareness. THANKS!!! Also, I am very excited about Oceanstone (there is something there for me, in allowing to have endings, and life will unfold to possiblities...) And how much better does it get, attending "entreprenual women" from the 18th to 21 of Feb...spending time with other women that 'speak the same language'...and I must say to myself, I have never been in a program with Louise that I haven't had quantum growth leaving the program room...I am excited to my own possiblitlites and yes, I know I will be standing in a stronger, more powerful, MORE ME place!!!!!
This has been great to take some time to blogg today...funny how I could be doing all those busy things that probably need to be done, and when I take time out for ME, my life comes together, and my "boring" mundane things, get done in quicker time?!
I am catching the next deep breathe right now!!!!
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