Nothing Will Change For Me Until I Change The Conversation I Have With MYSELF!!!!

I not even blogging and I am already looking up "bored" in the dictionary. In looking up that word, my eyes go directly to "bore" weary by tedious talk or dullness (Oxford Dictionary)....hmm...

Well a place to start this blogg.....

This past week I have been allowing my 'body' to just roll around in the 'stuff' that it wanted to...Monday was a 'first' for me - allowing myself to do what I wanted to do, not do anything, eat when I wanted to, sleep when I wanted to, read when I wanted to, listen to CD's when I wanted to, get up when I wanted to, take a bath (in the middle of the day - wow, big rules there!!!), wear my pj's all day (I don't think I have ever done that, and yes, very aware when I was a child and was "sick" is the only time I did). Hmm, that actually brings some awareness to me, when I was sick and in my pj's - was the only time I really spent with my mom on a one-to-one - there are many siblings in my family... even though my mom was busy doing many "loads" of laundry, breakfast dishes, and working in the home, it was an amazing- wonderful experience for me, for just that one day, because I had her undivided attention - and how, disappointed I felt when my younger brother's and sister came through the door at the end of the day...that was 'it' for me to have that 'bond' between just my mom and I, and then the start of a busy afternoon, evening...fun and not so fun....

I no longer carry the belief that it is 'selfess' to allow myself the time with one individual and how many times I would 'try' to include someone else, just to be aware of the 'other person'. (certainly there is no right or wrong in this, yet... big consequences for me, because I made myself 'responsible' for someone else, so "they would fit in") AND I guess that is why I respect someone that is engaged in conversation with another person that I don't join in. It is not about me being self conconsious or whatever, it is simply that I enjoy one-on-one conversations. Not to get me wrong, on the power of many, I get that, I am from a large family - I see the amazing growth from topics that are discussed with many different ways to look at from many lens....And what I don't get right now, is that one-on-one conversation....no, I don't have to feel burden with the responsiblity of always making sure I include others because, hmm, I can hear Louise Lebrun say, the only two conversation going on in your life are, the one you have with yourself, and the one with another person - that's it...
What is resonating with me, and getting clearer as I write, is the conversation I have with myself. Maybe that is what Monday and this whole week was all about...what are the conversations I'm having with myself? I kind of find it funny, yet going back to my initial few sentences I talked about, the words I have come up with, "bored", "bore"...am I having conversations with myself that are dull, ones that don't light me up? Marie, nothing will change for you until you change the conversations that you have with yourself...come on! I really believe I have amazing conversations with many people, yet do I truly have amazing conversations with MYSELF? Do I really allow myself to dream of the possibilities for ME? AM I really "wallowing" in my potential of who I am capable of becoming? You know, this is where I seem to stop myself, each time I am this far into an amazing journey...and I STOP IN MY OWN TRACKS...I am thinking to myself, how can this time be different?...
well, Marie, you just wrote about how it can be different...instead of looking outside (externally referenced) look inside (internally reference) for MY own answers. I know that I am really fine and relax into allowing myself to dream once again...I am okay and can really give myself the permission to change when and if I want to...i don't need anyone else to guide me, help me, lean on me. You know, this has never been told to ME!!!!!!!...you are very powerful, strong and Highly Capable to DO amazing things that are ME. Things that I get excited about!!! Things that spark my attention!!! Things that I am passionate about. Oh, there is a word that I use in conversation for other's but do I use for me? "PASSIONATE" hmm, I haven't even used that word for me - for my students, yes, for my son, yes, but I haven't ever considered what I am passionate about...

This is so much clearer to me, and I am thankful to be "ALIVE" and "AWAKE" in knowing that something more than surface stuff is happening right now, I am thankful to myself to relax into this choas and clearer on what is happening...before I would just get the "flu" and after the week go back to my life and not be any wiser....

This weekend I am going to S.Ontario to be with family and friends - can't wait, and excited about how life is unfolding, because I get to show up as ME!!! Some are not there anymore in my life, that's okay with me, and it is exciting to be with the ones that are meaningful to ME!!! I no longer have to explain myself to anyone. PERIOD!!!
Next week I am going to have one of my brother's come and visit, a brother I never dreamed would ever even see the possiblities of coming for a visist ---I am looking forward to the experience and time spent with him - I know he is an amazing gift to me, to see so much more of my own potential...
From there I'm going to Halifax/Dartmouth, spending time with Amy, and I know lots of possiblilites are going to come into my awareness. THANKS!!! Also, I am very excited about Oceanstone (there is something there for me, in allowing to have endings, and life will unfold to possiblities...) And how much better does it get, attending "entreprenual women" from the 18th to 21 of Feb...spending time with other women that 'speak the same language'...and I must say to myself, I have never been in a program with Louise that I haven't had quantum growth leaving the program room...I am excited to my own possiblitlites and yes, I know I will be standing in a stronger, more powerful, MORE ME place!!!!!
This has been great to take some time to blogg today...funny how I could be doing all those busy things that probably need to be done, and when I take time out for ME, my life comes together, and my "boring" mundane things, get done in quicker time?!
I am catching the next deep breathe right now!!!!