How do we get to a pattern of "Personal Destructive Ways"?

For the past days I have been in S. Ontario visiting my family. I am very clear on who I am, and allowed each moment to unfold, moment by moment. My childhood friend and I talked to the early hours of the morning - the next day she had a terrific migraine and spent the whole day in bed - this hasn't happen to her for years.

It is very clear to me that I make a difference. I talk about things that are meaningful to me, which allows another to talk about what is meaningful to them. These are conversations that we don't allow ourselves to have because we are too busy with work, children, and now the pressure we put on ourselves, to care for our aging parents, losing ourselves in all of this and worse the excuses we give ourselves that bring us into "personal destructive ways"..... eating too much, or not enough, drinking too much, medicating ourselves and thinking it is only an over the counter drug (I am sure we should have a share in the company by now...HA! HA!) and on and on of patterns/behaviour that hinder us...
We, no stronger for me, "I" have been taught to "suck it up" and move through this. Well, what I have discovered is that "suck it up" gets bigger and gains momentum - then, I crash and want to disengaged from the whole collective, and even worse myself.

It is meaningful to me, to be ME, and not have to pretend that I am like this person, or have traits like this person, or like my father, or not like my father, like my mother (oh, big one for me...) I too was very aware of all of the "collusion" and close loop games that are played - even though I don't want any part of that and yet how I am still coherst in without wanting to...that's a"slippery slope" to me, of becoming part of it - truly knowing that I don't want any part of it and yet BANG it is right in my face. Was that an old way that I use to move through the world and...hmm, this weekend I had no other choice, because I like who I am, I had to Stand Up and say NO MORE!!!!

What I didn't like was now that I am saying no - what does that mean for me? Isolation? and believe me, to my surprize, I had so many in the family come up to me, to talk, laugh, and just want to be who they are around me...I don't know if one brother realized, at the family gathering he kissed me on my cheek, on three different occasions, with him saying good-bye to the family. I am sure he didn't notice, and there were many situations of people coming up to me this weekend...I did notice other people wanting to eat at my table, two people came rushing to my table at the end of our dinner, and sat right down beside me - I was talking to a brother I really have always enjoyed to talk to - he is vibrate yet I see "angry" appearing - the long and short for me, and I need to see this up in writing right now, is that they were so excited to talk to me about something... and realizing in myself that I haven't been the attractor for years...funny how, we ALL can be attractors in our own life...

No, people want to live with Fulfillment, Meaning, ROBUST!!! In other words, because it is always about "ME". I want to live with Fulfillment, Meaning and Robust...

Let me look up those three words from the Winston Canadian Dictionary...

1. fulfillment...to complete or accomplish, to do, or carry out

2.meaning...expressive, full of significance, intention

3.robust....strong, vigorous; sturdy

Some people will fall away, and that is okay, and I noticed who are falling away...and it is "surprizing" to me who is wanting to be in my life - is that what I am attracting??? Hmm, right now I am having a different thought, not what I believed all my life...I am the driver of this "XC 70 Volvo" - I had to put that in because that is what we are buying soon...LOTS OF LAUGHS!!! I am the driver of this vehicle - because I SAY SO!!!!

I have a brother coming this afternoon, I didn't believe ever, that he would ever believe he could come and visist me...tears of joy are coming from deep in me right now, and I'm going to stay with it....I am going to hang out with him for the next days to come- I have never sat in "parliament" and that is something we both enjoy, and are going to do together...sooo much to do here in Ottawa and Ottawa is fun!!!! It was meaningful for me to blogg and wow, great insight I had that I carried all my life, and all I did was write my OWN truth...