This week has been "interesting". Oh yeah huge "chaos" in my world, and that is fine, and this week, I have been choosing each moment a wee bit different again. I could choose to "agree to disagree" and "control" my environment which typically meant for me to "lock down" what needed to be metabolized (just as you metabolize an apple, so too, we metabolize this information moving/or choose stopping the movement, or choose to go into the moment to see what "intelligence" there is for me to discover more of mySelf...
Oh man this is too funny for me...I always believed that when I was "right", I was "right" and that was "it". And nor am I saying to go mushy and collapse on myself/yourself. I am saying that I don't have to even live in the world of being "right" or "wrong" or "good" or "bad" anymore. I just live in this moment. I just pay attention to, is my body giving me an indication/signal/response that wants to process information or is "nothing" moving (I believe each moment information is in flow and we do choose to resist) and in the "nothingness" those are times I am "calm", "connected to Self", "just loving who I am". And too, the times of chaos, or revved up moments are meaningful to me as well, because that is when I have experienced transformation at quantum leaps. Those too, as I am writing are times I am connected to Self. These days, not judging my "imperfections" or chaining myself to the "idiosyncrasies" I have. Knowing that that is part of me too. Sometimes when I move away from an experience of "outrageous" or what I conceive or even am labelling "outrageous" it brings me into a new understanding of myself.
Two weeks ago I had a huge response in the body and my intelligent was saying, "how outrageous". I didn't know what it was all about yet I stayed with my body response. I even said to my husband that my behavior was outrageous to me, what was coming out of my mouth saying it to another person. As time past, it was meaningful for me to know that "even though it was outrageous what I was saying" I was not giving myself away, nor being loyal in spite of myself, yet staying with the truth in my own body - even though I didn't know what that was at the time...if I succumb to the offer, and it was a "being a nice girl" because they wanted to "save" for themselves. I wasn't gaining anything other then "chaos" and "I must be out of this rented home by this date"...what it would of meant is for me to live on some one's else schedule - as we move out of this rented house into our new house. WOW! That is truly profound for me. To not ebb and flow to my own matters yet to chop off one more part of me to accommodate someone else's wishes/desires.
And this is the hardest part for me to admit. My husband and I had many conversations that we need "space" to go to the lawyer's one day, to have the mover's come to move the big pieces of furniture another day, and for us to move the smaller stuff on 'slow time'. And why did I ever even create the opportunity for someone else to believe that they can come into my "space" for their benefit. Man, we have so much to do for our own move and accomodating someone else's wants.
My body is screaming right now...STOP! For me to stop allowing other's to take away what I just want to take for myself!!!!
I don't know if I am making any sense right now, and know that that last sentence is making sooo much sense to me in my body...
I do believe that being "nice" is far more wired into my body from culturally conditioning then I ever believe it was. And "it" even though how outrageous it seemed for me to behave like that, I was choosing for "it" to not run that same 'strategy" or "program" another time. No more, that strange is DONE.
Don't get me wrong, I am a very nice person, that is not what I am talking about. What I am talking about is being "nice" inspite of myself, being okay with "overextending of myself" because I am "nice"...being "nice" to accommodate someone else's schedule...
Wow, I am unsettled right now...and I am going to let this one "rumble" around in me, and see where it goes...
I am hearing echos of, "get your own buffet, and stop feeding off of mine!!!"
trust-your-self
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