Am I Trusting that I Can Have "ENDINGS'?

I am here this morning, blogging, and yes, have many other things that I want to do, and know that this is probably the most important thing I can do right now in this moment. The last four days I have been "losing" myself. I have been in that state that is, oh, all to familiar to me - where I feel like everything is spinning with no grounding, i am starting to feel withdrawn, looking for answers outside of myself...yes, this is why I am blogging....

I am certain that I am going forward yet wonder and know the default button has been pushed...
Something that is creeping into my awareness is, "the lack of money even though I can see I am just fine", "the equation that I give myself, "that my net worth is equal to my debt that I am creating once again". (Is that an illusion that I am creating and buying into?) This is coming up so strong in me...and I don't know if I am even willing to let it out.

The inward rage that I have right now is - wow, as I am typing I can feel this "vapour"of fire from my belly to my throat wanting to be ignited!

You know this is what is real and happening in my body - it is not about eloquent words crafted that have come out on this paper, IT IS REAL For ME - THE MOVEMENT IN MY BODY!!!

I can feel my fingers wanting to dash along the keyboard to speak; what "IS" wanting to come out of my body. Wow, how many times have I felt this in my life, of something that is REAL FOR ME, happening in MY BODY, and it ended up being dismissed as nothing, or hold something outside of myself as the truth, or how many times when I would just "tone it down" and then either walk away and let it fade out of my existence - yes, TERRIFIED OF MY OWN RAGE!!!!

How about Marie, just let go of the notion that "My net worth is not money"? "My net worth does not equal my bank account"? "The money I have contributed over the years has nothing to do with who you are as a valuable, contributing, loving, laughable human being?

How about you no longer have to "buy into" the notion that something outside me, do I have to hold as true for myself?

I sit here, just pondering...

I am calm right now, is this the habitual way that I would silence myself, or is this the sure, calm, strong, human being that I am?

I choose differently right now, "I am a sure, calm, strong, Healthy, (wow, that was a slip of the finger to capitalize the H or was it?) active, love of life human being!!! And man, I am more than my body!!!!

My life is mine and not what I thought it was before...not my son's, my husband's, my brother's or sister's, my in-laws, my friends, and I got this really a long time ago, my bosses!!! MY LIFE IS MINE!!!!!!

Just for today, I am going to listen to what is wanting to move in my body - not even concerned of what is moving in my husband's, because I get it....I am silencing myself from what is moving in my own body...

Am I trusting for myself that it is okay to have "endings" and to choose differently right now, and no longer allowing to have the same choice, repeated over and over again, that was creating insanity for me?

I came across these words surfing around the different Wel-Sytems Web-sites and I don't know who said them, was signed ME!

"I am choosing to BE me.
I will DO the things that are me.
I will have me.
I am home."

Thanks ME because this is how I am choosing differently right now, from ME!

As I take in a deep breathe, I will DO the things that are ME!!!!