When do I say "Yes" when my body is screaming "NO"

Well I have been away from blogging for awhile, don't know why, and I don't need to even use my logic to ask why, it is just so.

So much is happening to me in my life. My life has done a quantum leap and it has moved with that momentum since the EF:EW (www.WEL-Systems.com) at Oceanstone near Peggy's Cove, Nova Scotia just over a month ago - is it possible just a month? and yet it feels like a long time ago...

My husband and I have been going to ballroom dancing these past months and it wasn't fun for us. Before I would "stick it out" until the end of the course. We looked at each other last week and said, "are you having fun" and "are you having fun" and the answer was "no". I am not finishing the ballroom dancing course. Period.

I heard myself talk to someone on Friday...the conversation at one point went like this...where in my life do I say "Yes" and mean "Yes"; where in my life do I say "No" and mean "No; Where in my like do I say "No" and mean "Yes" and it took a minute for me to get this one out...where in my life do I say "Yes" and mean "No".

Yes, I believe I am hugely different then I was a year ago, even a month ago, even last Friday, my life is not only back to a joyful life, I am living FULLY now! Everything, my zest for life, chaotic grounded wonderment, and the don't "fuck" with me stuff - that last statement may sound abrupt with profanity yet ... (and I am sure the first awareness for me in my body, and then I become more certain on how to speak my "ENTIRE" truth) All this is encompassing for me, and makes me WHOLE... I am no longer that pale looking human being that only believed that by being "kind", "nurturer", "understanding", "loving" and the list goes on, that I was taught in my family, school systems, work place etc believeing that that would bring fulfillment - no, that way was only making me sicker....

I am coming into an awareness that before I was "asleep" to. Listening to the new CD's Leadership Redefined ~ Reclaimed an Emerging Futures conversation (you can find them at www.WEL-Systems.com go to "store" to invest in yourself), I am finding myself, even though I am up for huge intensity, the convesations to be potent!!! Yes, so powerful and having great influence on me!! I can either choose to sit back and let my life run its course or step up to my own life...no, this is not about saving the world, this is about finding meaningfulness in MY own life that I can "jumped" out of bed each morning and ask myself, "how do I choose to live today?"

It is only through letting the impluses in my body to move, moment to moment, that my life becomes bigger...

I only have this body and that is IT!!!

I believe I am waking up to something that is just 'right' in my body. Maybe I have been knowing this for years - NO MAN!!! it is nothing weird, out-there, something secret that I have to keep to myself because of fear of what other's may think that I am right off the wall...it is something that I know that I am in a safe place...more certain of who I am, and by choosing moment to moment, life will unfold into a bigger open loop. And I know that if I don't choose moment to moment, don't choose living in the now, that my life will be absolutely "havoc"....
I don't know where this will go, and I am curious to what is in me, about this notion that sparked my attention last night. I spoke to a girlfriend yesterday and she suggestion I listen to the conversations that Oprah and Eckhart (his new book released is called, A New Earth) - up to this point it hadn't sparked my attention and i said to myself, why not?
I took time and the space I needed to listen to what was being said. Somehow, I know that I am in a different worldview, that is not right or wrong, bad or good, and I no that is the truth of my own experience. When I studied in university we talked about Maslow's hierarchy. At the bottom you have Survival (meeting the basic needs) and you climbed all the way to the top (mind you it is believed that not many reach Actualization). There is no moving fluidly up and down at different times of your day, week, month, or year. What makes sense to me is that I do want to be at the ground level, the environment level, truly present to myself, when I am crossing a busy street with lots of traffic during rush hour. Man, we all know what happens to us when we are not paying attention...And there are other times where I can have my attention in the spiritually realm, choosing a safe environment, dropping my attention to the base of my spine allowing my breathe to flow deeply in and out of my body...
Something that I have learned over this past year taking the many WEL-Sytems programs is that I only have this body - that is it. I only know what is going on in my body, no one else's because that is not where i live - I only live in mine. What is coming out of my mouth, what I am pressing up against, what I'm not pressing up against (that is the beauty of this, is I no longer press up against things that use to drive me crazy and there is more - because I have been taught to metabolize that information) - no one in my whole life has every even spoke briefly about this - Yes, I am well read in many books, I was always searching for something that was so hungry inside of me, and I finally listen to myself to just give up because I had exhausted every possibility! WOW, that is where I turned my 'fire energy' inward.
I am finding it really 'neat' right now because i am starting to get an awareness that is making sense to me....it is not about the times it really did not matter to me - it was the times, that I was high energy searching for something that was so "hungry" in me - no one, understood what I was saying, because I only could explain it in my body - and people turned away because of 'whatever' and I was left with this unquenchable thirst inside of me...it is like when I was seven, laying in the ditch of my family home, starring up at the sky and knowing that there is something greater then me...i know there is one other person that is reading this right now that has that same experience in their bodies...yes, I am waking up!!!
I thought that I would feel great at the end of this blog today and somehow it has stirred up many more questions....

How is it that I no longer have "Diabetes"?

Well, my life is moving so fast right now - gathering many tidbits of information, that I am writing down, because I don't have a clue how they are ever going to piece together, yet, I know that they will.

These past few days, having my brother-in-law in my home, as a guest, has been a huge invitation for me to reflect on how amazing and bigger my life has become over this past year!

He is my husband's younger brother and has observed my life over these past 25 years.
No, there is no judgement or analyzing yet he is just ELATED for me!

He told me that he has never seen me as happy as I am right now. (yes, i do believe I have had times that I was happy over these past 25 years) and he is just in awe that I no longer have 'diabetes' in my life, among other 'illness' that I had developed over the years. In fact, he is a saleperson that sells books and was talking to a client yesterday about me. She felt that people in her area (just outside of Ottawa) are not as quick to buy 'spiritual' books because they are probably more adapt to finding answers for themselves within their collective, and he told her, no what my sister-in-law went through in her life is very different then "white light and forgiveness". Of course, he couldn't explain it to her but he knew that I am very different in my being now.

I believe that "white light and forgiveness" was not working for me - trust me, I tried all my life that way of looking at things, and lately, especially in these past few years, I was finding myself more and more 'angry' that went inward, and absolutely was creating "craziness" for myself - and I found myself, quite surprized, because how can it happen to me, with "diabetes"?

'Diabetes' always seemed contridictory to what and whom I am. Although 'Diabetes' was great at first for me, because people actually payed attention to my concerns - ('cause man, i at that point in my life sure couldn't do it for myself) Yes, they would tell me when to eat, what to drink, in other words, I was down to just drinking water, and herbal tea, NO MORE! The timing of my meals, was I exercising (big belief in that world that we all have been bellies). You have to have a big bellie to belong to that club!!! HA! HA! Oh, man I am just finding that funny and how I bought into that notion. All that 'concern' was getting on my nerves and it became something in my life that was just taking the 'joy' out of my life. Somehow I believed how can I live any longer with something that had so many rules, structure, and everyone was paying attention to me even though it was in a 'negative' way (I was becoming more pissed off and a big
f___ you!). Now, I am understanding that I never allowed that "fire breathe" to move in my body - the breathe that propells you foward. I am going to the gym now with a different view - talking with my chiropractor yesterday, I talked with him about 'intensity' in my work-out. I have never understood people that talk about a natural 'high' when they have a work-out...in fact, maybe thought that they were 'addicted' to jogging or whatever the exercise was... nowI am up for it!

Because i never allowed myself to stand tall in whom i am, identified myself ONLY through being a mother, a wife and never WHO I WAS as the whole ME. I find it interesting now as how I never saw myself as a teacher - I have the two degrees, and what is important for me now, is to claim for myself, that i had invested 7 years in university for the growth of ME!

This blog feels like I am only have tidbits to put onto this computer screen. I know it makes sense in my body and that is all that matters.

Switching thought, today I wrote down the things that I want to do, not what I have to do, and funny it is all the stuff that moves me into my future!

Just checking in, where is my breathe right now? Am I allowing my attention to be at the base of my spine? When I'm outside today I am allowing myself to take in deep breathes - oh, how exciting that spring (even though we have a lot of snow here in Ottawa) is in the air!

How did I lose 20 lbs. in these last 3 weeks?

Here I am, knowing that I am not alone anymore. This past week has been a week of complete rest. My body has been extremely tired and I listened. I must add, not until I fell on the ice this past week, entirely layed out on the ice, as my dog was wanting to push ahead, did I really pay attention to my own physical tiredness.
My husband has been reading my blogs and commented that my sentence structure, grammar, incomplete sentences didn't make sense. Somehow I just look over with wonderment...it open up a conversation that was amazing for me. I talked about when I am blogging it is about my impulses moving in/thru my body, my body's intelligent speaking and not my 'brains' intelligent. Sounds weird to some, yet I know this has given me and incredible opportunity to allow and invite what wants to come out deep in my cells to come out. Maybe, this is the first time I have ever had the opportunity to speak out about something that matters to me and yes, maybe has been locked down for years. Not all stuff that is tragic yet stuff that has meaning to me, and I am not even aware that it places that importance for me. I am very grateful for this opportunity and know as I said at the first of this blog, I am not alone anymore - all i do is ask, and meaningful people to me will show up in my life!
Well, I didn't want to announce this at first when I came back from EF:EW, but the scales are saying as of yesterday that I have lost 20 lbs. - and that has been only in these past three weeks.
I know that I am letting go of old beliefs that are really not 'serving' me anymore. I will talk a lot more about weight loss in blogs to come. What has made sense to me, is that I discovered something very different then what I held as a belief. Yes, of course, I use to beat myself up when I would put on more weight and then was in disbelief when I would start losing weight.
What I did notice, that on many occasions over this past week, I was so fired up in my body to do something, say something and how I allowed myself to believe that no it was okay to let someone else, say what they need to say, or do what they need to do. Then, my own fire was not honoured by me and it would turn inward. So it is not about the times I would not mind but rather the times it matters to me to speak up, and out and let the full potential of who I am becoming, out - in other words, it is when I am extremely high energy that I allow myself to be leashed down again - locked down and other people aren't even aware because I appear to be calm and cool. It is getting clearer to me, that I have waited myself down, and in those times when I am extremely high energy, and yes my physical body is weighted down. Two things are co-existing at the same time. I am finding that I am only breathing in my mouth right now...i am going, and yes, really happy to know at least the iceberg of why 'wait/weight' is coming into my awareness because it is becoming freeing to me - and hay, I have lost 20 lbs. in the last three weeks - i am entering great things!!!

My World Has Done a FLIP!!!

I feel like I am coming out of a horrible flu these past few days - my head aches, and I am very aware that my world has done a flip. I am very aware that I am inviting/allowing whatever I want to metabolize to do so, and if it takes that extra 'second' or opening up space, giving loads of time, then that is what I will do. There is so much there, and I am not willing to stop it. I can liken it to the flow of Niagara Falls. It has been there for years, locked down and it wants to just let go, and my life will never be the same - even looking at yesterday....never the same.

I say this with excitement, joy and happiness. I am a lot clearer on who I am, and what I am. These past two weeks, spending time with other women at Oceanstone, Emerging Futures: Entrepreneurial Women, has given me a quantum leap in clarity for myself.

What is clear to me is that over the next few months I am going to talk and blog about the difference in my thinking (wow, from this flip, re-claiming MY life, what I no longer "suffer" from (no-one is aware of the many extreme 'health' issues that I have walked through since I have allowed myself to metabolize - just by breathing deeply into the base of my spine -over this past year, and talking in small groups of what really matters to me). AND how... and only this shift in paradigm, has made it clear to me, that I LIVE FULLY NOW - in the other paradigm I was approaching a slow death.

Right now, I am taking care of myself. It is no surprise to me that when I was leaving Halifax that my flight was delayed four hours. Yes, I wait - I will talk about that soon as that has made a huge difference in my life. And no surprise to me that "they" say that we are going to have a lot of snow storms this week here in Ottawa.

Yes, the scales read 20 pounds lighter, then two weeks ago. That is not about weight, yet more clarity for me about WAIT.

I am going to go now, and will return soon. Yes, it is more important for me to take care of ME right now then anyone else. This is huge for me to say this, and I mean it!!!! Breathing and breathing deeply is important for me to pay attention too....talk soon