May Sound Weird yet I know I am the Godforce expressing in physical form

This is a wonderful "quiet", "still" approaching morning. I am loving the hum of the emerging day and the excitement of what the day brings. This is actually grounding me and allowing me to come back into my body. Sounds weird eh?

Yet this is true for me. I really had a week that was more about my "past ways" then about standing right here and now and washing over me, the full potential of who I am becoming.

Tears are coming right now. How does it happen?I understand fully that there is a new way to move in my world...and this week I allowed myself to buy into my past, my old stories of who I believed I was, who I was culturally conditioned to believe who I was. Funny how I am not even talking about "how I use to beat myself up".

NOOO!!! It is something different. It is about how I know that I am "Strong in my Core", "Sure of Who I AM", and that is what is not accepted in our society.

In a few collectives this week, I am looked at as, as one person said, "aggressive", "they don't want to even chat with me because there is no reason to", funny how I am not allowed to express this "fire energy" - NOOOO, I don't harm anyone, I keep that energy to myself, stay present to myself, allow it to move in my body, no more do I shut it down, and no more do I hide it and hope that I can re-visit it again. I stay present to myself, speak my truth and let the information move, my body stabilizes and I get to know more about me. This is the new way I move through my life.

OH yeah, also, people will make judgements, if when I am "crying" and one comment this week is that I am "sensitive". Hell no, not for me, this is just information moving that probably has been locked down for years. I am not "sensitive" and I moving in my world very differently. Something that comes to mind for me, "it is none of my business what others think of me".

Something that I have never been taught is that I am the Godforce expressing in physical form. Oh man, how different that is from GOD is over there watching me. There is no right or wrong, good or bad about this yet it has created a lot of "guilt" and "shame" for me. I have to ask myself, how useful is that?

This week I lost mySELF. This week I continually heard myself say, "wow, that's monkey mind". What I mean by that, is that is not what I am believing, yet, what that "collective" values and holds as truth.

Today, I am going to "relax" into Who I am Becoming. Man, that just brings a smile on my face...

Trust yourself

OH yeah, I am going to breath down to the base of my spine - I question if that was happening last week...LOL

Feeling "obliged'' - and how am I moving past that?

I was amazed this past weekend of how I move through Thanksgiving Weekend...

I wanted and went down to the Niagara Peninsula to be with my son and also extended family. These days I live with giving myself many possibilities of choice. I no longer allow myself to have that "small" thinking that use to leave me feeling suffocated in my own existence.

I put out an email to my extended family letting them know that my husband and I are coming for the Thanksgiving Weekend. I made it clear in the email that I am not looking for someone to feel "obligated" to let us stay with them. Yet, I am looking for a new way that opens up my world and possibly theirs. In the email, I declared that I am interested in getting to know your family more, and for you to get to know my more. In the next half hour I received an email with an invitation from my sister-in-law and brother. Manifesting happens all the time, a good indication, maybe not always, yet manifesting usually happens fast for me.

No matter what is going on in their world/body I am very clear that I stay present to my own truth. I didn't have any "obliged" nor "guilt" spending time with them this weekend. So this is about me...it is clear that I can extend mySelf out, no longer need to think I need to be alone, and have a welcoming, enjoyable, meaningful time - when other people choose their truth as well.

I and many of the family enjoyed the time together. I was clear that i talked to "WHO" i wanted to talk to. Laughed with "WHO" I wanted to laugh with. Had meaningful talk with "WHO" i wanted to talk with. Very different then before, 'cause I use to be in the mind set of feeling so "obligated" to make everyone feel comfortable, make everyone fit it, tend to every one's needs, not speak my truth in fear of people not "agreeing" with what I had to say...whew!!!

Well, I must say...even I am surprised at the response from many people and okay with other's that aren't interested in how I move through my world now. Even in my family, we know that we no longer can "pretend" to do the things out of "habit" that have been going on for years, all to the sake of "tradition".

What did come up is the conversation of "Exchanging Christmas gifts" among the adults. Now, this has been going on for years. I no longer see the "usefulness" of this anymore. Has it created "chaos", or YES. Have I been able to voice my truth...YES. Does this allow other's to voice theirs? Only if they say so...

On the way home from Ottawa our "alternator" was slowly going on us. The battery light was on and the battery needle was slowly losing power. We drove into the town of Manitock and pulled into a garage. How amazing is that...we didn't panic, it was getting dark so we didn't have our lights on, and I said out loud, "we are safe". The traffic was heavy and we did think about if the alternator was to totally lose power, then our truck would stop suddenly- so that is why we decided to go off into Hunt Club - funny how we ended up going straight into Manitock. There really are no coincidences. In my world, the alternator going on the truck has given me a metaphor of how I no longer am willing to live my life with my extended family. The chips will fall where they need to fall. I no longer have to believe that I am responsible or "obliged" to keep the engine running. We had the truck back within that next working day with a new alternator...everything I and my husband did was "effortless...

I am breathing a huge sigh out...

trust yourself

"Perfectionist" I don't have to be "perfect" at everything, anymore!

Here I am experiencing many new things that fulfill me. People are clear that they "know" a difference in me. It is not even a "see a difference in me". It is a "they know a difference in me." The comment by someone this morning is that they see "joy" in my eyes; and he commented that was not there a year ago.

What I know true for myself is that I am "joyful" to be living in my skin. That had not been the case and I can say, "all my life".

Funny how I no longer look for a outward "praise" yet an inward marvel of "wow it's great to be me" experience/journey.

What is coming up strong for me is that word, "perfectionist". Why did I have to have such a control on my life that I needed to be "perfect" at everything. What was I protecting myself from if I had to be such a "perfectionist"? What was I stopping myself from doing/being?

It is making me feel sick writing down these words.

How many opportunities did I not want for myself because I wouldn't give myself permission to not get it the first time. How many experiences have I had in my life where I beat myself up because i didn't get it the first time. How many times would I judge myself and take away from the "whole" of me - to find less of myself.

Man, why couldn't I make it a lighter load for myself. I do love to laugh?

I no longer "control" my life.

What I do know, is, that I speak and voice what is true to me each moment. I may not always like the outcome yet I am starting to "appreciate" that when I listen to mySELF, it always takes me forward to where I want to go. No, I am not talking about anything "airy fairy" but the truth of me, and who I am potentially becoming expanding into the direction of a more meaningful manifesting for mySELF. I don't know if I am clear in writing yet this is vibrating hugely in my body.

So, when I want to do something and believe it is the best possible choice, And then I am taken to another path, I just trust, even though there is a lot of confusion...i stay present to mySELF.

These days I am experiencing a lot of "itching", "redness on the skin", and "sleepless nights"...not always easy and in my new world that I move in...makes sense and this is the "fire energy" that is propelling me into my emerging future!

trust yourself

How is it going, now that my "Adult Child" doesn't live with me anymore...

Something that is "gone" out of my life...and I want to blog about this right now.

There is so much "fire energy" moving in me. This is not good, bad or not to be judged. It is something that I haven't allowed my self to move in this body of mine and I am experiencing lots lately. And clearly, this is all about me, for me to own, and not about anyone else, son, husband, family, no one else but for me!

I am moving away from my "adult child" from leaving in my home. And now, how wonderful for him as he is moving on in his own life, the way he chooses to do so.

He loves the magazine, "The Hockey News" and a subscription that my mother and one of my brother's give to him each year. I have been transferring the magazine subscription each move he has been making since we left Halifax two years ago.

Something has changed in me. This time when he went off to school I sent a email about the subscription to him. The email went like this, here is the 1-800 number to transfer the subscription to your new house. If you want me to phone this number for you I will, if you want to do this, then great.

That was it. I didn't mention nor prod nor re-visit if he had contacted "The Hockey News"
and it has been over a month, and no more "Hockey News" coming to my house.

This is so insightful for me. He doesn't need me as a "mother" because that relationship means that one person is mother and the other is child. He is all grown up now, an adult, willing to participate in his own journey. Sometimes, we, as parents, think we know what is best for our child. Never allowing them to listen to there own SELF.

Somehow, we also believe as parents is that they are going to "streamline" their way through this part of their life. Life is all about ebb and flow, and society judges the ones that want to ponder, get off for awhile, or choose to take a different path - yes, many times students have one or two credits to finish before they get there degree and decide to not finish. Or some decide to travel and the "family" insists that "they get something under their belt before they do this". And some decide that they want to stay at home and not move out. Each one is an individual on their own journey.

No, I believe that I am still active in my son's life and very different now. He and I need the friendship; as too my husband needs to be part of this "friendship". I know that life is very different now that my son had the choice to go to New Zealand this summer. It again, changed his life...CHOICE...what do you give yourself? Today, just allow yourself to think about the different choices that you "allow" yourself to have. And think about the choices you don't allow yourself to have. You may find yourself bumping up against something that you "habitually" do and believe it is something you are consciously choosing for you, and are you?

trust yourself
wow, a huge sigh has come out of my body....

How Many Times Do I NOT "Pamper" myself...no, just take time each day to "feel" the beauty that is in me....

Lots is moving and I'm blogging...

Today, I had a "urge" to pamper myself.

I question...when was the last time I "pampered" myself?

This is not about beating myself up, yet, more about an awareness for me to check in with me.

Well, I had a pedicure on the 18th of August. How many other possibilities have I considered and have become "lost opportunities" for me, honouring me, giving myself permission to enjoy the moment...for ME!

And the hard thing for me to write out is, maybe all because of "money" as currency. My belief in "lack of money" and not about "investing in myself" and also, out of my awareness thought and...

OH Man, I don't want to admit that last thought....

Hmm, what does pampering mean to me?

At times it is about "investing" (thanks Amy McNaughton for that notion) in myself or at times, it is about walking my dog that doesn't take any commitments other than to get my running shoes on; walking always feels great, no matter what the weather is, right from the beginning of the walk, down my street with trees that line the street as a umbrella and I continue for more than an hour. AAH that is bringing a smile to my SELF.

This morning I had a amazing walk, and I mean AMAZING - because that is one thing I do that lights me up...and too, I had this desire to "pamper" myself.

Well, I looked into my bathroom cabinet and low and behold, there was skin care to do a facial/mask. How many times do I treat myself to something as simple as this, and as meaningful to me?

You know there is this sense in me that how many times do I not "pamper" myself.....no, just take time each day to "feel" the beauty that is in me. Okay, I still have an old belief from my teenage years that I didn't need make-up because I looked "natural". Lots there to open up, and expand on thought...So, because I still have that belief going into my fifties, at times, heavens to Betsy, I don't look my best for me...it certainly does make a difference if I do skin care, foundation and color. LOL

I do have a bit of 'confusion' around this...at times, I like to do nothing with color, and why do I not feel as beautiful? And the outside world, values, because that is when people speak up about my appearance, is when I wear make-up.

I know this is an age old talk in society...what matter's to me, is why don't I feel as "beautiful" when I don't wear make-up to when I do wear make-up?

I would love this blog to be interactive. I would love to hear what is coming up in your awareness about yourself...

trust yourself

ps.. I am listening to Louise LeBrun's CD right now, Pathways to Personal Power....interesting that it is giving me a lot of awareness, and her voice is clear in my own mind, meaning I am listening actively/receiving and the CD is not just playing...just a suggestion, and go into WEL-Systems Institute storefront if this CD is sparking your attention...
www.WEL-Systems.com

How I think about MONEY as ENERGY, and have been limiting myself and only thinking about MONEY AS CURRENCY.

This week has been life altering. I am standing in the now and my emerging future that I want and desire for myself, is right here in front of me, and is my new reality!

I had an experience the other day that was so profound to me. I am "test diving" this new way I am moving through my world.

I am changing many things in my life right now, and one of them is getting new glasses. Yes, glasses that make me more visible - more bold and that are matching who I am...a DA, ME!!! How exciting is that for me to BE ME!!!

So let me talk about the eye examination. I have had lots of "fear" around going to the optometrist - it shows because I haven't had new glasses since over four years ago. Somehow, I knew that things weren't right and that I would have to reveal to myself that something was not working in my life. What a metaphor for how I was living my life!

I walked through the "fear" this week, which I must say I have been putting off, and another "test drive" experience that I don't live in the allopathic world anymore - yet, I do stand in this new paradigm and look over to see if any information that is offered that may be useful to me - I listen and then take action. So what do I mean by this, it was useful for me to have that eye examination even though I believe that it is another layer of information for me that is right out in front of my awareness. So let's go back to the eye examination...

What I found useful is that my health of my eyes are good. Also, what I did find useful is that I have "pressure" behind my left eye that the machine picked up by the assistant who did the first part of my examination. Once the optometrist thoroughly examined my eyes, he was concerned about the "pressure" in the back of the right eye. He asked me if I had any "trauma" to my right eye. My reply, "I am from a family of twelve, so who knows?"

Then he asked if I was on any medication. And my reply was, "no". What did resonate with me later when I got home was the two years that I was on "insulin". I wonder if that has had any effect on the health of my right eye?

At the end of the examination, he talked about how usually the machine will read higher and that from his examination he doesn't have any major concerns. He does want me to come back in a year to have another examination as signs of a '''cataract" are forming. He did comment on how unusual this is to be developing at my young.

Lots of information for me...not that I need to be in "fear" yet this is something useful for me to be more aware of. Pay attention to. So, I turn my thinking into not the "allopathic" way but I new thinking of, "Hmm, where am I experiencing 'pressure' in my life". This is not good, bad, right or wrong yet very useful information for me to ponder, find space to let it rumble in me...

I want to go back, this is not BAD and that I don't need to fear this information. Actually, I am finding it great information for me because it is allowing me to think about, "where do I need to be more awake?" "Where am I experiencing 'pressure' in my life?"

I am noticing that many things are amazing in my life and that I do have this "pressure" that I need to bring into my awareness.

Ah HA - quickly the answer has come to me - "How I think about money as energy, and how I have been limiting myself and think about money as only currency".

OH Man, do the lessons ever become harder and faster for me, layer after layer of not paying attention...

do you,
trust yourself?

breathing in is important right now for me...

Moving Different In This New Dance, Post, Empty Nester's

I can't even begin to "reason" what is happening in my life. Things are coming to an end and at every turn there is another opportunity. The gym is closing on November 1, 2008. It has given me an amazing opportunity for me to know more of who I am and for me to "test my waters" of how I am moving through my new world now. Am I sad because the gym is closing, no, because so much is coming into my life that I am safe in my body; I have this sense of "excitement" "knowing" and "potential" that I am experiencing!

This morning I met up with a women that just had a "knowing" in her own body that it was meaningful for us to meet. I am having more and more of these experiences. Am I "puffy chest" about all this...No....yet awake and safe in my body to look out into my world. Maybe this has been happening over the past year but now is different. I am "humble" and "grateful" of my journey.

Last night my husband and I went out to a local person to sing. It is not about joining a "choir" which I am not interested in doing. There is no commitment and it is amazing to me, only because when I was in the moment, singing, I know I am "free"!

I don't have much more to say, for myself, and only offering you a suggestion of... are you doing things that light YOU up?

Or, are you doing things that you are engaging in, out of "obligation". As my husband and I move into this new phase of our life; it is meaningful to do things that both of us enjoy doing. Oh man, we are "masters" and have been for years, great at doing things that each of us like, separate, away from doing them together. No problem there! Ha! Ha!

Finding what is meaningful for me, and for my husband to find what is meaningful for him - and then we come together on those interests, is like going, "gently down the stream". A year ago, I was really "pushing that river" to make things work. No more, it unfolds exactly how it is meant to...that's FUN for ME!!!

trust yourself