Looking at my life from a different way - what do I want to CREATE?

I just re-read Louise LeBrun's last blog called, "The Palpable Presence of a Woman Awake". Go to www.WEL-Systems.com click on Women Gathering...there is much there, allow yourself, and I say for myself, it is expanding my thinking right now, and looking at my life from a different way...an analogy that I like and shared recently with me. I have moved across the mountain, and no longer continue to do the same thing as I was always trying to do. No longer looking from the same perspective only to continue climbing higher in the mountain and getting no results. No, I have completely changed my perspective by moving around the mountain and viewing something new and different - expanding my perspective!

A quote from Louise's blog is resonating with me, it goes like this..."Do we invest in "trying" to change the world we already created, or do we invest in creating the world we want?"

What is coming up for me, is what I have been going through these past few weeks; how deeply wired my own "stuff" is. I know that I have had so much resolution in the body and it has now allowed me "Space" for other possibilities that I mindfully choose. So yes, i have reclaimed my health and life back, even better then before I became ill - to add, I live in huge gratitude for showing me this new paradigm, which allowed me to reclaim my health and life back - and, there is something that wants me to hold onto from deep in my tissues...that i can't explain..

Okay, so Louise's first part of her sentence is "Do we invest in "trying" to change the world we already created..." No, is a simple answer for me, yet one that has given me conflict these past few weeks. I am very awake to knowing that it is only in the next moment that follows, i stand at now and choose...the opportunity to change my mind differently. I don't have to be my past, nor push the river. All that is required of me, for me, is to be "MYSELF". How hard is that?

Not who I have been taught to believe I am yet the "True" Me that is alive, joyous, happy and safe in my own body. The "ME' that breathe's huge potential, curiosity, bewilderment, zest, love, compassion into my own life, and always choosing Myself first...WOW, amazing people, places, events come into my life...


This is so simple when I write this out and see it on the screen. I don't continue to create or invest in the world I already created...if I am real with myself...some of it is not working for me. Right now, I invest in creating the world I want...

At this point, I no longer can even remotely believe that I am just fine. Of course, at this point of the many courses I have taken with the WEL-Systems Insitute - and knowing what I know, knowing what I don't know, don't know, and knowing there is so much more possible for me in my life. Yes I am fine... Yet I surrender to my fire...i allow whatever wants to surface, surface. I no longer am going to fear this huge warm, or hot, glow that is inside my body. This is the gateway for me to create a life that is one that will create the world I want. I Declare that I am no longer Fearful of my Own Fire!

Something else that needs to be clear for me, is my intention. I declare in this moment that I no longer listen to a voice inside of me that wants to 'sabatoge' me. I engage sooner of my "authentic" self - the designer and creator of my life - to what I want and choose. I am living 'awake". I am a buissness woman. I choose to create in my life what I want. What I want is to engage, in small gatherings, or one-on-one conversations with other women that are also up for living their lives with meaning, purpose and fulfillment. I am willing to share my own experiences that I have in my body, of my journey back to reclaiming my heath and life, knowing that it is also possible for them, if that is what they choose.
I am choosing me first, and that allows my love ones to stand tall in who they are, and choose themselves first. Already my life is full, and i live in bewildermet and surprize to how much better it can get! Who would of ever believed!!!

I had focussed first on myself getting healther - then, spent a lot of time in meaningful conversations with my son and husband. For me, the ones dearest to me, have offered the biggest lessons for me to pay attention to, and I know that I am a very effective facilitator. Not always easy to take myself out of the picture, always wanting to be "right" and knowing that it is more about being "happy" yet the pay off has been like no other. Yes, I have my son back, in a different way, and he is leaving for New Zealand for a month on Wednesday. This coming month, I plan to give myself space to write about my own journey back to great health and how my son, by being himself, gave me so much clarity about my own life. Yesterday, my husband and I had a conversation that wasn't easy, and he thanked me later for staying with it - it has made a difference to him, today!

One more thing I want to talk about is something that has come to light for me. Talking to other women, I spoke about being a nurturer. Somehow, I have looked on that as being my down fall...I shared with them that I didn't cancel my own appointment for the sake of picking up my son from work. Before I would easily fall into default and do everything for him, and for that matter everyone else...He went home on the bus which he is unfamiliar with the route or city and believe me, he expressed to me that he was JUST FINE. Someone spoke up and said to me, " that is how you are an amazing nurturer because you had your son ride the bus and not cancel your appointment". Thanks Lisa for that insight it has changed my life.

Wow, I'm breathing deeply...

That old familiar energy of "SELF-CONFIDENCE"?

A lot has been going through me these past couple of days. More specifically, something that is coming into my awareness right now is old familiar energy. I am clear that I stand in the now, and look into my emerging future. Whatever needs to come up from my past to present itself, will. This is how I evolve and move closer to who I am in the world (not who I have been culturally conditioned to be). These last couple of days, I have been facing an old familiar energy that is going through me. I will call it "self-confidence".

It is interesting to me, that I blog for me, and only me. Lately, how I blog, has created internal conflict for me. In my intelligent, I am having these thoughts of blogging on a different level. I liken this to the time I spent in university. All those papers I wrote throughout my two degrees.
Over time, I pumped out these amazing papers. I payed attention to all the rules that either the discipline wanted, or that writing a "proper" paper had. Yes, from sentence structure, wording, past tense, past participle, run-on sentences, subject-verb agreement, punctuation, spelling a word correctly and the list of "rules" goes on...

Pumping out these amazing papers that gave me incredible 'external' gratitude yet for me...somehow, I didn't own them...

Am I enjoying the process of what I am doing by blogging? Yes, yet there is a conflict right now...

I have this notion or idea of myself that I "should be more". My blogging should be more of "formal" writing and become clearer to the reader.

I am in absolute "tears" right now. To me, this "emotion" is "energy" in flow...

My intention is not for other's. My Blogging is for me. PERIOD.

Okay, the process of how I am blogging is one that speaks to me. And only to me. It is clear to me that I blog from "raw" impulses that come from deep inside me. I just allow myself to blog whatever comes out of my body and allow my intelligent to move well out of the way.

What does that mean? I don't pay attention to all the "rules" of writing - yet, allow the vibration of who I am to come out and onto the writing screen. So, my blogging may not make sense to someone reading my blog. Or my "past, present, and future" tenses may be all in one sentence.

I am finding this interesting..."It may even be hard for one to read my blogs".

I going to stop and think about what I have just written. This sentence, is bringing up the idea of, is this how I am choosing to live my life right now?

I am outrageous, fun and living life fully. Yet, do I have the belief that other's are not seeing the HUGE presence I am in the world. Or, more true to me, do I have a belief that other's are not "reading" who I am in the world!

And what makes me "sad" is that how many times have I believed that i have been overlooked because I am different. I have always had a "different" way to move through my life, and it became so "painful" to me that I "silenced" myself.

I don't know where to go from here. I am going to give myself a few minutes...

I do have a knowing in my body that I am HUGELY connected to who I am. This was not true as little as months ago. I don't fall back into default anymore. And right now, there is something for me to find out more about myself. My stomach is starting to "rumble" right now...great sign I say!!!

I know from, Evolution by Intention, through the WEL-Systems Institute, that it is none of my business what other's think of me. And I know that if it comes up, then it is there for me to discover more of myself. It is not about the content, yet what is evoked in me.

Funny how, the next sentence that wants to pop on the screen...is it is just fine how I am blogging!
This is a choice that I am wanting, at a higher level of thinking, that allows and invites, for me to discover more about the essence of who I am. How exciting for me - it is "ALL ABOUT ME"!

You too can partake in this process, whatever way you choose, and it will be "ALL ABOUT YOU"! How cool is that! How freeing is that!!!!

So, it is just fine for me to blog in my "raw" form. I don't have to attach external "stuff" outside of me because that only adds to confusion for me and leaves me with this sense of being"self-conscious". What will always guide me, is the knowing in my body, that how I am blogging is just "perfect" for me, right now. Man, how better does it get, when I have found a way to release the possible, potential emerging ME!!!

trust your self....

I USE to Need Approval from EVERYONE!

Here it 5 o'clock on a Saturday evening. The house is in complete quietness. I'm on a "Choosing Me" weekend. And I'm elated!!!!

What that means to me is that I am wanting/desiring to be with me, and only me this weekend, besides Rugby (my dog that knows only to give unconditional love! LOL - laughing out loud) I suggested to my husband and son to go to Montreal and spend time with his brother this weekend. They felt in their own bodies that this was a wonderful idea, and acted on it.

Wow, just to write this down and see it in front of me...if this was last year at this time, I would of played, "poor me" and somehow, allow huge sadness and depression to consume my whole weekend. Now, I am not making light of "depression" - what I am saying is that I have found a way to dissolve that, and no longer attach myself to my past. I have had "resolution" in my body. I no longer even have any "pulls" or "pressing up against me" that has truly "Gone".

And I was willing to stay in the tough conversations with myself. Not always easy and always amazing!

I listened to a talk show early this morning on CBC. They were talking about "depression" and how they are much better, through exercise, eating better, allowing themselves to be more creative, and the list went on. Yes, I too have and still am doing all of that. I must say that I continue to do all of that, and it is a way of life for now; and more importantly that I ENJOY. I know in my own body that it is right for me. And now the difference for me of "depressive" and "no depression" - this is my own opinion, is the "resolution" I have had in my own body by metabolizing huge amounts of information for me, that I locked down for years. That is there for everyone. I believe everyone can have "resolution" in their bodies and lives.

I believe I don't go outside myself for my answers anymore. Yet before, I was so externally reference that I needed approval from everyone - drove everyone "nuts" including myself. Also had the belief at the time by getting every one's approval is what gave me confidence! WOW what a belief i held as true, real - this is not good, bad, right or wrong - a belief that i was carrying that was not serving me yet I was positioning as REAL AND TRUE for myself...

Which choices will give me a different way to ponder? Do I know there are many choices?...Also coming up from those questions are: How do I know any different, if I have never been shown?

I always heard "Self-Confidence" is an inside job. Before that thought could not even permeate into my body because i was always outside looking for "approval". Never did I consider my "truest" "compassionate" "brutally honest" SELF to give me my answers that would give me the "confidence" of SELF.

NO, I am not putting my head in the sand. I am standing tall and looking out into my world now. I am listening and taking in other people's opinions. Then for there, I "take" and it is only the "hit" in my own body, that expands my own world, that allows me to know the truth of my own experience. My "confidence" in SELF has expanded my own life. I hear that signal much clearer and yes, never saying too many words.

I heard myself say to another person today, "hey it's amazing to be ME!" - not too bad I say, by getting "resolution" in my body - allowing more space to open up to amazing possibilities.

The neat thing I fine about "resolution" in my body is that it is GONE - there are things that I look back on this year, that I was in utter fear of, and i can't even pull them up, they are GONE!

Trust your self!!! Just step out, one step, and see how your life will expand!!!

It's A Start...How do you love if you have never been shown LOVE?

This past day has been one of 'history in the making". June 11, 2008. The apology from the Prime Minister of Canada to the Aboriginals of Canada. It is hard for me to even say as my throat wants to close up... for the residential schools the Aboriginals were sent to by our government.

It is hard for me to even start to understand the magnitude of "fear", "shame", "loneliness", "detachment from oneself and other", these people still hold in their bodies. And it is as if it only happen yesterday, when they talk now, I can feel this in my own body. THEY speak of their memories that are so vivid, hurtful and harmful! And has changed who they are...and it has changed their children, and then past down to the following generation..no wonder then have numbed their experiences...i believe by them receiving this apology from the Prime Minister they can speak up and out their truth - their healing can begin...

The first thing that comes out of my mouth is, "as early as 6, they were taken from their parents and sent off to a 'residential' school". How horrific!!! Most of us wait patiently at the bus stop for our little one to come home from school to nurture them. These children were on their own at this age, surviving, in a world that was so cut off from their parents!

Am I advocating that all other families are wonderful. No, nothing is perfect yet many of us have had the opportunity to show love and be loved... To be loved and to love.

I am in tears right now. What I do know is that you can't give away something if you don't have it inside you. If these children were never shown love, how can they love or be loved?

What grips me is the notion of, "we will take the Indian out of the person" by sending them away. No one, can ever take away your identity - this is so profound and potent to me, and there is no one that will ever take my own power away. NO MORE. I will never give away my power!

Yes, in my own life I have listen to other people and taken their word for a situation/circumstance. And what usually happens when I give my own power away, it usually ends up being not good for me. Yes, maybe the other person is fine with the decision, AND I am left with un-ease - which in the end, I had dis-ease in my body. I can't even begin to understand being told by the government that we are sending your children to residential school. I can't even describe the utter 'saddness' that this brings to me right now.

Yet shat is beautiful to me, is that this is no longer going to be talked in private rooms, secretly. This is out in the public and people are going to pay attention to it. Does that mean that everyone is going to agree with this, no. Does this mean that the healing process can start, yes.

A different vibration.

I have an interest in working with people that have come from huge adversity in their life.

It is no mistake in my life as I look back. I was billeted for three weeks on a "Indian Reserve" and was so welcomed. In fact one of my greatest memories of the time I spent in Katimavik was being shown how to make "leather Indian gloves". The women that was showing me didn't have any lining, so she cut up her pink house coat and that is what I have for a lining in both gloves. I believe that was one of my greatest lessons I have received in my life on "love" and "gratitude".
Also, my undergraduate, i choose many of my courses to be of "aboriginal" study - there is no mistake for me to have taken those many courses.

There is a knowing about "adversity" in my own body.

Hmm, what you know to be true in your own body, it what you can give away. Because you have it in you to give away!!!

We don't get to become "whole" until all parts of us are revealed! I look forward to the unfolding of this new way for the 80,000 that lived in residental schools and are still alive today! And now, they stand at their choice pt. and look into their new emergying future!!!

WHEN I AM TRUE TO MYSELF, MY LIFE UNFOLDS MAGICALLY!!!

I was just outside weeding and it started to rain....and that opens up space for me to blog...

I had a huge disappointment tonight. My youngest brother was going to come for the weekend and today he said that "personal matters" came up. Not only does my son enjoy this brother's company, I enjoy being around him as well.

I move through my world differently these days. No longer, will I lash out and let everyone in the family know how disappointed I am. Instead I sat on the couch and allowed huge waves come through me. Invited whatever needed to be released from the deep tissue of my cells to come and be welcomed...

It didn't feel good and at times I had a hard time breathing, all knowing that I would be okay. It did take a while and then my body stabilized - from there I was ready to go outside and weed for awhile. I really am not attaching meaning to this wave and know that I am expanding my own life - no longer letting things stop me. It is all okay and know this is something that I created in order for me to learn more of who I am. (very different then who I have been taught to believe I am)

How is this different then before. Well, I would play the "lost child" and allow myself to be really "sad" and in a huge blame mode.

What I am finding interesting is that another person has now taken the spare ticket for the Rugby match that is playing here in Ottawa on Saturday (that was within the hour my brother cancelled) - and it is unfolding nicely...WOW, before I use to believe that I controlled the situation - whew that was huge WEIGHT on me. Now, I just step up to my life and "INSERT" myself. I cannot predict the outcome, and I know that it is going to be WONDERFUL! WHY? Because when I am true to myself life unfolds Magically!!!