The Huge Judgments of Myself ARE The Most Damaging!

Wow, today I saw my own edge...did I back down from it or did I go right into it?

You guessed it...i stay right with it...

This is something new to me...to honour, and own ...even though how bazaar it may seem to me, and yes, before I would have huge judgements of myself, and believe I don't know what I am talking about...then a sense of self-consciousness would come over me and the insanity would start for me, over and over again, cycle after cycle.

This time it was okay for me to have this move through my body...

Yes, this time I stayed right in the "yuck" of it all - it is not about being right or wrong in my world anymore - what the difference is, "that this is RIGHT for me to stay with whatever moves through me"...

Funny how, everything is changing in my world. No longer will our son be with us in a couple of days. Heck, he is willing to fly!

And you know what, I have done an amazing job!

There is no irony that I had cardinals living in our hedge, outside the kitchen window, this past month. They had their babies nested in the hedge. Wow, the colors that cardinals have are so brilliant and vibrant that each time their were flying from the hedge to the tree outside in the front yard, I stopped and watched...received...

Funny how I didn't pay as much attention to the babies (I knew they were just fine) yet how the parents were flying, speaking and communicating to each other.

Hmm, yes, this is interesting to me because there is a parallel to my "empty nest" and somehow I have blinked and my child has grown from a baby to a adult (give me a second on that one)...and, now it is more about how do I move in my world? - wanting a meaningful relationship with my husband and what about ME?

How does that happen when we have spent years of paying attention to not our own desires or wants... and because we thought "GOOD Parents DO THIS OR THAT" we lost our connection with each other, and worse, lost who we are.

Something else that is coming up...how many of us play out the roles that we wanted our parents to play out, and they just were not there for whatever reason. Or how many wished that their parents took more of a low key approach and let us stand on our own, making our own mistakes and triumphs that make us the person we are and becoming?

Is my relationship with my husband good? Oh, yeah but I know there are some "yuck" that will unfold in the months ahead...

This coming weekend is a time for doing something different. Yes, we are going to bring our son back to university yet it is a time for us. More importantly for Me to choose ME!
I don't have the same stress I use to put on myself. And man the judgments I would have about myself are becoming fewer and fewer. I know that I will be just fine and that whoever is wanting to see us, it will be meaningful and just right for ME!

I will remember to continue to breathe, right now it is breathing the inhale, the new breathe, as my life changes...

I am ALLOWING HUGE FIRE To Move Through Me!

You know, this week has been one of sure delight. Not in a calm, soothing, not pushing up against anything kind of way...but a "fiery" stay with what is going through my body - owning my own stuff and honoring it. Not locking it down, worrying about what others will think of me...NO!

I choose differently, having and knowing more chooses now, and I choose ME!

This is a way I am moving through my world and allowing this huge "burning" to move!!!

This is something I now "celebrate" because I never would allow the huge immense fire that I have to move through my body.

I HAVE ARRIVED!!!!

What is great for me to be writing this down...Oh how I can forget about my own self and not allow this to move...and I know that it is NO MORE...it is not serving me to not allow this HUGE FIRE to move!

Has it been easy this week to stay with it - I would say YES!!! WHY? It was clear to me...I didn't know it in the intellect yet felt it right in the body. Even among all this confusion I knew that my body never lies. I didn't have to even speak for a while, and knew that I would be clearer/have insight for myself if I stay with the confusion in my body - allowing it to move and not to stop breathing...just breathe...I know "frees" me and I become a huger presence of myself!!!!

I have never been taught this to just stay with what is moving through my body. Yet I have been taught to lock it down, don't talk like that, no everything will be find...you know in your own body that that list can go on...

Owning my own fire, for my own evoultion, for me, is what is "DELIGHTFUL".

Empty Nester's??? AND Letting Go of Adult Children - Oh Man, How Does That All Happen?

Today, I am buzzing around doing things that make a difference to me...and I thought to myself, Hmm...I'm going to stop right now....make a "hot" as they say in the Annapolis Valley - hot cup of tea and some cookies that I will make right now...and enjoy the moment...

Then quickly my mind shifts to, "oh, wouldn't it be nice for my son to come home from work today and enjoy some cookies?" "And aren't I a wonderful/amazing, first class mother to make cookie's (healthy ones at that)!

NNOOOOOO!!!!

I want to scream! What a metaphor for how I have lived my life!

Doing everything for my son, my husband and everyone else that I thought made me a wonderful/amazing, first class person instead of doing it for me, first!

I wonder if I was asked the question then, how would I have answered it. The question can go like this, "are you making those cookies for yourself to enjoy, or are you making them because you believe that it is making you a good mother, wife, relative, friend, neighbour...and the list goes on...and as the list goes on, the further I was losing myself. Losing who I am. Going outside of my own self. Turning myself inside out because I thought that was the way to move in my world...

Right now, I am in a transition to let go of my adult child. Man, I love him and know that letting him go to where ever he needs to go AND do is more important for him...now where does that leave me?

Life is expanding for me in all areas of my life. Recently, I have been especially paying attention to the notion of letting go of my adult child. They talk about "Empty Nester's" - well, that has proven to be more difficult to me then anything I have done in my life...I have had the hugest wake up call for myself - getting physically ill and coupled with, my son wanted to get on with his own life, yet could see that I was getting more ill and ended standing still, concerned. Unsure of his own future because of many things, and because of watching his mother who he loves deeply, getting sicker by the day...

Today it is a much brighter picture, my son who is twenty almost twenty-one, wants to explore his own way to move through his world and for him that means, living away from his parents. Yes, he likes the flexibility of coming to see us once in awhile but clear that he wants to leave in another city. I am not advocating to live away but I am noticing how potent it is for him to explore his own potential world, the way he wants to. And that means for me to let go.

Oh, to let go of him, for me to relax into the next unfolding of my life. Wow, what am I facing that I have never aloud myself to face because I concentrated so much on my son?

In this past year, I have gotton clear on the way I was defining my self; my entire life depended on my role as "mother".

What I am noticing now...and what was harmful to me then, is that I didn't do anything for myself. I did things that I felt other people would appreciate - forgetting that if it didn't "light me up", then it all became "drudgery" for me. Oh, I didn't even feel happy, and walked around with huge amounts of "anxiety" "unhappiness" in my body. I invite you to consider your own world different if you are finding that you have done everything possible to improve your life and it is still not working...So getting back to the cookies I made today. Yes, it is about ME enjoying them for myself. I think about this differently now (that has given me different choices or possibilities to consider) because when I saw the cookies cooling...I said to myself, "yes, they are there for my OWN pleasure!" Wow, that feels different in my body then "i have made them for my son and husband".

This is not the only blog about this topic. This is so potent in my life and I will be blogging more on what transforms and unfolds in my life...I love my son so dearly and I know that each mother out there feels the same way. It is a pivotal time in my life. In my blogs to come I am going to be talking more about letting go of adult children and Empty Nester's. If this is something that is coming up in your own life or someone you know...i would love to hear from you. My business email address is trust-your-self@rogers.com or leave a comment...for now, I am not going to forget to breathe~~~

"Confusion" "Lost" "Floating" _ I welcome this now, and think of it differently

My life is great and getting fuller each moment...one thing that is not so great is just the notion of "asking". I have a old belief in me, "that I don't ask unless it is important".

Well, how that is playing out in my life is people are asking for my web page and there is still no advancement or no web page to guide them to. I believe that has been about two months in the making. Now, it has been a process for me to actually be clear on my intentions of a web page - and that did take time. Yet, this feeling in my body is starting to become very familiar to me - a pattern that I have played out all my life. It was with great gusto that I engaged in the process of having a web page and then, for me, it seemed that my intention was "lost" or "floating" somehow. I no the importance and how much it will make a difference to me - yet, I don't make it a priority to myself. Also, for me, how does it get lost in the process. Why does my focus change when I know it will be a great benefit to me?

Oh man, yes I have come leaps and bounds in my evolution yet I seem to be "floating" or not valuing myself, for this one, that I know will take me to a higher level.

I am standing at at point of...i don't even have the words to say, yet the knowing in my body is intense. Why do I give up on myself like this? Why don't I just go ahead a get it done?

What thing that is clear to me is that I need to go directly towards this, in order to go beyond. This is not always easy, and certainly not easy to blog this - cause hey, I have come so far in my evolution. In fact, people tell me that my appearance is totally different then less than a year ago.

Yes, "confusion" is something I welcome - I think of this differently now...all i need to do is breathe...

Small Changes Have Made Huge Differences In My Life

Well, here I am, half way through my day, it's 10:30 in the morning...what a delight for me that I have recently chosen again to go through my day differently. This change has just arrived. I get up around 6 to have breakfast, and get ready to bike to a women's gym. There, I actively do a work-out class with 5 other women that have been together working out for over 4 years. I am so happy moving my body and spending time with women on the move!!!

Why does that make me what to scream for joy at the top of a mountain?

Well, two years ago I couldn't even get out of my own way. I couldn't even think about getting out of my bed to even eat breakfast. I didn't even have the energy to have a shower. I knew that I wanted to live yet wanted to fall off the world for awhile...and I knew that moving my body was important no matter what anyone else was doing?

At first, all I could do was get ready for a walk with my dog. I would walk about three houses down the road and then come back. Day after day I increased the distance. Extented the distance to around the corner, next neighbourhood, and now I walk an hour or hour and half with my dog most days. I LOVE THAT TIME WITH MY DOG AND MYSELF!!!

So what is this blog all about?

Funny how, we do things in our life for other reasons then doing them just for ourselves. I am not even going to go outside of myself with this thought. Funny how, even thinking about the gym, working out, we do it for a different reason and not for the sure pleasure.

Even at the gym, I see women working out "frantically" and how "busy" their work-outs are..

Interesting how "busy" we can keep ourselves...and I for one, know that I was keeping myself busy for years, being on every committee possible, going for two degrees, extending my welcomed hand to who ever ask for it, "avoiding" or keeping myself "busy" because I was in a marriage that wasn't working for me, and quite honestly, him as well...

Hmm, this is really resonating with me...I have come leaps and bounds with my relationship these past two years with my husband; only because I got "real" with myself. NO, I am not saying that everyone should stay in their marriage...what I am saying is that when I got "real" with myself, that allowed my husband to be "real" with himself.

Is it always easy? UMM, no! Is it always a fuller and more connected way to interplay? Yes, because when I am "real" with myself, it opens up other possibilities, and always surprising to me, usually never the way I would predict the outcome...

I knew enough, years ago, that if i change my dance step then whoever is following, no longer can that dance continue...

Yet, what I didn't know...I didn't know once I changed my dance step...how did I make a new dance if I didn't have another rhythm and pattern to carry out something new?

Wow, I think about the huge difference I have made to myself...yes, it is time for me to OWN all of my journey. As a result, my health has been re-claimed, my husband moves through his world differently. And hey, my son just returned from going half way around the world. What I am going to claim right now in this moment...It is because I got "real" with myself. WOW!!! Yahoo!!!

I would love to hear for you. What I suggest is paying attention to "busyness"... it was something I did for years and how I "avoided" whatever I really needed to face...somehow I am learning that it is never about the big stuff that I fear... small changes have made huge differences in my life...breathing through it all, and not stopping the impulse that is going through the body, that is the challenge..

"Obligation" and "Being Loyal inspite of Myself" - Does this sound familiar?

I am back from holiday. And I am back with a new focus. And hey, I want this to be interactive. Thanks Sarah I welcome you and many others to join me...

Does it mean up to this point I need to wash everything away. NO. I am only going to keep what is meaningful to me. What nourishes me. What refreshes me. What makes me "light up"! What makes me feel ALIVE!

I love the analogy that Louise LeBrun at www.WEL-Systems.com spoke of a couple of months ago. It really has been whirling around in my mind and at each choice I make - allows me to make choices that are sustaining me. Choices that allow me to find more zest for my life. Choices that allow me to enjoy the moment I am in, right here and now. Choices that allow me to notice the small things in life that normally pass me by. And aren't these the things that when I get quiet in my body and mind, opens up to amazing possibilities...inviting other potential possibilities that will make my world so rich to live. No I don't mean necessarily more money yet that's useful too! - what i mean is to really experience the richness of living on this planet earth from moment to moment and to interplay with my emerging future...

The analogy that Louise LeBrun spoke of that has really changed my world is...instead of continually climbing the mountain, higher and higher, why not moved to a different part of the mountain? (not necessarily higher and maybe across the mountain) and look from a different view (from new lens). Man, it is so refreshing to me to view my life differently. I don't have to continue to try harder and harder. I just relax into myself, stand tall in who I am, and look out into the sea of possibilities. Oh yeah, it is important for me to engage, and engage again...without action there is only possibilities...

All I do is listen to what is moving through me and engage - choice or not, then engage again...

This past week I have spent my time on holiday with my husband and son. It was the most meaningful time I have had in a long time with them. What was so pleasurable is that each one of us truly lavished in "ourselves" - in who we are, and becoming. We don't lie about who we are to each other, or ourselves, or we don't pretend that we are something that we are not. What is different for me...we may have "angry" yet it is looked at from new lens...

At one point it was a totally different conversation the three of us had - nothing like a conversations we would have. It was about being "loyal" outside ourselves, and how that doesn't serve anymore. Yes, being loyal inspite of ourselves. I was jolted by a comment that an extended family member had made - knowing that I pay attention more to what was firing off in my body then the outside comment. What became really cool to my awareness, was the conversation my son, husband and I had...because my son could see that I needed to talk about what was firing off in my body. The conversation was an open loop and not a closed loop.

Oh how I can revert back to that old familiar pattern to me, lock me down response, silence me, instead, it was a very different outcome...the engagement allowed me to say what I needed to say for myself. Funny enough, I was so heated at the beginning of the conversation and by the end of the conversation I was calm - Man, even a month ago, I would of carried out that "emotion" for all it's worth and for a long period of time. Remember, fire energy is one type of breathe that I would never allow and invite to move inside my body to it's fullest potential - I was truly fearful of the destruction i would create for myself and everyone around me. Ha!Ha!

No one was hurt in it all, and I got to be honest in what was coming from the deep tissues of my own cells. Not the "absolute truth" that I was always aware of, and thought that was the only way, being so important to survive in my collective and world...this time...it was my own truth! Man, how good does life get when I get to tell my own truth and someone will listen...it doesn't mean that they need to agree with me, yet just to listen and hear me out...(Safety was created and it gave me Personal Power in someone listening to what I was speaking up and out with)...this particular conversation the three of us had, has brought a lot of clarity to how we move in the world. Not everyone will agree with us and I am clear that means extended family as well. I do know that I am much more clearer on how I want to live my life. And I have a sense of Well-being from my own choices - not from choices outside of myself.

It was beautiful how we stayed true to ourselves, each one of us, and how our week unfolded - (leaving out the "obligation" stuff that was known and so familiar to me) - AND how this past week, we saw who we wanted to see, talked to who we wanted to talk to, enjoyed what we wanted to enjoy...I always remember a prof asking me what I mean by "bliss" - now I know!!! Life is blissful!!!!