Today, I am buzzing around doing things that make a difference to me...and I thought to myself, Hmm...I'm going to stop right now....make a "hot" as they say in the Annapolis Valley - hot cup of tea and some cookies that I will make right now...and enjoy the moment...
Then quickly my mind shifts to, "oh, wouldn't it be nice for my son to come home from work today and enjoy some cookies?" "And aren't I a wonderful/amazing, first class mother to make cookie's (healthy ones at that)!
NNOOOOOO!!!!
I want to scream! What a metaphor for how I have lived my life!
Doing everything for my son, my husband and everyone else that I thought made me a wonderful/amazing, first class person instead of doing it for me, first!
I wonder if I was asked the question then, how would I have answered it. The question can go like this, "are you making those cookies for yourself to enjoy, or are you making them because you believe that it is making you a good mother, wife, relative, friend, neighbour...and the list goes on...and as the list goes on, the further I was losing myself. Losing who I am. Going outside of my own self. Turning myself inside out because I thought that was the way to move in my world...
Right now, I am in a transition to let go of my adult child. Man, I love him and know that letting him go to where ever he needs to go AND do is more important for him...now where does that leave me?
Life is expanding for me in all areas of my life. Recently, I have been especially paying attention to the notion of letting go of my adult child. They talk about "Empty Nester's" - well, that has proven to be more difficult to me then anything I have done in my life...I have had the hugest wake up call for myself - getting physically ill and coupled with, my son wanted to get on with his own life, yet could see that I was getting more ill and ended standing still, concerned. Unsure of his own future because of many things, and because of watching his mother who he loves deeply, getting sicker by the day...
Today it is a much brighter picture, my son who is twenty almost twenty-one, wants to explore his own way to move through his world and for him that means, living away from his parents. Yes, he likes the flexibility of coming to see us once in awhile but clear that he wants to leave in another city. I am not advocating to live away but I am noticing how potent it is for him to explore his own potential world, the way he wants to. And that means for me to let go.
Oh, to let go of him, for me to relax into the next unfolding of my life. Wow, what am I facing that I have never aloud myself to face because I concentrated so much on my son?
In this past year, I have gotton clear on the way I was defining my self; my entire life depended on my role as "mother".
What I am noticing now...and what was harmful to me then, is that I didn't do anything for myself. I did things that I felt other people would appreciate - forgetting that if it didn't "light me up", then it all became "drudgery" for me. Oh, I didn't even feel happy, and walked around with huge amounts of "anxiety" "unhappiness" in my body. I invite you to consider your own world different if you are finding that you have done everything possible to improve your life and it is still not working...So getting back to the cookies I made today. Yes, it is about ME enjoying them for myself. I think about this differently now (that has given me different choices or possibilities to consider) because when I saw the cookies cooling...I said to myself, "yes, they are there for my OWN pleasure!" Wow, that feels different in my body then "i have made them for my son and husband".
This is not the only blog about this topic. This is so potent in my life and I will be blogging more on what transforms and unfolds in my life...I love my son so dearly and I know that each mother out there feels the same way. It is a pivotal time in my life. In my blogs to come I am going to be talking more about letting go of adult children and Empty Nester's. If this is something that is coming up in your own life or someone you know...i would love to hear from you. My business email address is trust-your-self@rogers.com or leave a comment...for now, I am not going to forget to breathe~~~
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