Here I am on someone else's computer to sign in...something has come into my awareness,
the password I have been signing in since I have been blogging on this site, does not serve me anymore...WOW!!!! Who I have thought I was has done a FLIP...my world has become so much bigger and it was all about CLAIMING back something that was not making sense to me, yet so outside of myself, sooo obvious to my outside world...weight...hmmm yes, there is a connection to wait for me....weight/wait
My weight has not been talked or even a concern by me for over five years...i just surrendered to the weight and let myself move without judgement to myself about my size - throughout these past five years I have moved my body and felt great about that. There was something inside of me that just knew that it was different then thinking about good nutrition, walking, moving my body, taking care of myself, going to massage, laughing, oh, man just the list goes on...I was doing all those great things that made a huge difference to my well-being and especially in this last year...AND I WAS STILL at a increased weight that was WAITING me down.....what has come into my awareness a very different through, from the flip side looking down - I know I am BLAA, BLAA, BLAA, GREAT and I just couldn't understand the incredible changes I have gone through of taking care of myself - the weight should melt off of me....Right!!!! Make's too much sense and it wasn't happening????
Well, this past week, at Oceanstone, engaged in the "Entrepreneurial" a Wel-systems program, investing in myself, it gave me time to STOP and find some clarity of the WHY Weight/WHY Wait...I am very clear that I stand at choice looking up into my future, and whatever has come from my past I choose differently (not that insane way from my past, that I habitually was always choosing because I didn't know any different) - INSANITY - DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN, AND EXPECTING Different RESULTS??!!...and it is very clear to me that if there is something that is so hidden yet so profound in my life I pay attention - there really is nothing "free" in life - PAY Attention...
What I discovered for myself, was a very simple yet profound, life changing 'whatever'....that i am aware of now...I am from a family of many, that is not as important as, I moved thru the world with 12 other children in my childhood. I remember clearly when I was sixteen and we were all going out for a picnic/swim day trip. We had a station wagon and a car. Our cars were okay, and not always dependable. My mom and dad and other's left the driveway in the station wagon to head for the outing and I was the driver of the other vehicle, the car, with some of my younger siblings. All I wanted was the other vehicle to stay in the driveway until I had the car running and from there I would be okay. Yet the panic was looking in my rear view mirror and seeing my dad driving down the street....all I wanted was for someone to "WAIT" a second, just a second, for me to start the car.
Lots is moving in me right now and I know I need to be easy on myself..I get so PISSED off when someone is showing me something, that I know able to operate, and i allow myself to get talked down too. (WOW, I will pay attention to that, believing now that i live in a holographic universe - I created that) This is not bad or good, positive or negative - this is something that I am going to just relax into and allowing myself some "SLACK" and not beat myself up. Does my inside world reflect my outside world? Over the course of the next few weeks, I am excited to discover the ME that I have hidin' for years, there is more, and I am up for it!!!
Monday, February 25, 2008
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
How do we get to a pattern of "Personal Destructive Ways"?
For the past days I have been in S. Ontario visiting my family. I am very clear on who I am, and allowed each moment to unfold, moment by moment. My childhood friend and I talked to the early hours of the morning - the next day she had a terrific migraine and spent the whole day in bed - this hasn't happen to her for years.
It is very clear to me that I make a difference. I talk about things that are meaningful to me, which allows another to talk about what is meaningful to them. These are conversations that we don't allow ourselves to have because we are too busy with work, children, and now the pressure we put on ourselves, to care for our aging parents, losing ourselves in all of this and worse the excuses we give ourselves that bring us into "personal destructive ways"..... eating too much, or not enough, drinking too much, medicating ourselves and thinking it is only an over the counter drug (I am sure we should have a share in the company by now...HA! HA!) and on and on of patterns/behaviour that hinder us...
We, no stronger for me, "I" have been taught to "suck it up" and move through this. Well, what I have discovered is that "suck it up" gets bigger and gains momentum - then, I crash and want to disengaged from the whole collective, and even worse myself.
It is meaningful to me, to be ME, and not have to pretend that I am like this person, or have traits like this person, or like my father, or not like my father, like my mother (oh, big one for me...) I too was very aware of all of the "collusion" and close loop games that are played - even though I don't want any part of that and yet how I am still coherst in without wanting to...that's a"slippery slope" to me, of becoming part of it - truly knowing that I don't want any part of it and yet BANG it is right in my face. Was that an old way that I use to move through the world and...hmm, this weekend I had no other choice, because I like who I am, I had to Stand Up and say NO MORE!!!!
What I didn't like was now that I am saying no - what does that mean for me? Isolation? and believe me, to my surprize, I had so many in the family come up to me, to talk, laugh, and just want to be who they are around me...I don't know if one brother realized, at the family gathering he kissed me on my cheek, on three different occasions, with him saying good-bye to the family. I am sure he didn't notice, and there were many situations of people coming up to me this weekend...I did notice other people wanting to eat at my table, two people came rushing to my table at the end of our dinner, and sat right down beside me - I was talking to a brother I really have always enjoyed to talk to - he is vibrate yet I see "angry" appearing - the long and short for me, and I need to see this up in writing right now, is that they were so excited to talk to me about something... and realizing in myself that I haven't been the attractor for years...funny how, we ALL can be attractors in our own life...
No, people want to live with Fulfillment, Meaning, ROBUST!!! In other words, because it is always about "ME". I want to live with Fulfillment, Meaning and Robust...
Let me look up those three words from the Winston Canadian Dictionary...
1. fulfillment...to complete or accomplish, to do, or carry out
2.meaning...expressive, full of significance, intention
3.robust....strong, vigorous; sturdy
Some people will fall away, and that is okay, and I noticed who are falling away...and it is "surprizing" to me who is wanting to be in my life - is that what I am attracting??? Hmm, right now I am having a different thought, not what I believed all my life...I am the driver of this "XC 70 Volvo" - I had to put that in because that is what we are buying soon...LOTS OF LAUGHS!!! I am the driver of this vehicle - because I SAY SO!!!!
I have a brother coming this afternoon, I didn't believe ever, that he would ever believe he could come and visist me...tears of joy are coming from deep in me right now, and I'm going to stay with it....I am going to hang out with him for the next days to come- I have never sat in "parliament" and that is something we both enjoy, and are going to do together...sooo much to do here in Ottawa and Ottawa is fun!!!! It was meaningful for me to blogg and wow, great insight I had that I carried all my life, and all I did was write my OWN truth...
It is very clear to me that I make a difference. I talk about things that are meaningful to me, which allows another to talk about what is meaningful to them. These are conversations that we don't allow ourselves to have because we are too busy with work, children, and now the pressure we put on ourselves, to care for our aging parents, losing ourselves in all of this and worse the excuses we give ourselves that bring us into "personal destructive ways"..... eating too much, or not enough, drinking too much, medicating ourselves and thinking it is only an over the counter drug (I am sure we should have a share in the company by now...HA! HA!) and on and on of patterns/behaviour that hinder us...
We, no stronger for me, "I" have been taught to "suck it up" and move through this. Well, what I have discovered is that "suck it up" gets bigger and gains momentum - then, I crash and want to disengaged from the whole collective, and even worse myself.
It is meaningful to me, to be ME, and not have to pretend that I am like this person, or have traits like this person, or like my father, or not like my father, like my mother (oh, big one for me...) I too was very aware of all of the "collusion" and close loop games that are played - even though I don't want any part of that and yet how I am still coherst in without wanting to...that's a"slippery slope" to me, of becoming part of it - truly knowing that I don't want any part of it and yet BANG it is right in my face. Was that an old way that I use to move through the world and...hmm, this weekend I had no other choice, because I like who I am, I had to Stand Up and say NO MORE!!!!
What I didn't like was now that I am saying no - what does that mean for me? Isolation? and believe me, to my surprize, I had so many in the family come up to me, to talk, laugh, and just want to be who they are around me...I don't know if one brother realized, at the family gathering he kissed me on my cheek, on three different occasions, with him saying good-bye to the family. I am sure he didn't notice, and there were many situations of people coming up to me this weekend...I did notice other people wanting to eat at my table, two people came rushing to my table at the end of our dinner, and sat right down beside me - I was talking to a brother I really have always enjoyed to talk to - he is vibrate yet I see "angry" appearing - the long and short for me, and I need to see this up in writing right now, is that they were so excited to talk to me about something... and realizing in myself that I haven't been the attractor for years...funny how, we ALL can be attractors in our own life...
No, people want to live with Fulfillment, Meaning, ROBUST!!! In other words, because it is always about "ME". I want to live with Fulfillment, Meaning and Robust...
Let me look up those three words from the Winston Canadian Dictionary...
1. fulfillment...to complete or accomplish, to do, or carry out
2.meaning...expressive, full of significance, intention
3.robust....strong, vigorous; sturdy
Some people will fall away, and that is okay, and I noticed who are falling away...and it is "surprizing" to me who is wanting to be in my life - is that what I am attracting??? Hmm, right now I am having a different thought, not what I believed all my life...I am the driver of this "XC 70 Volvo" - I had to put that in because that is what we are buying soon...LOTS OF LAUGHS!!! I am the driver of this vehicle - because I SAY SO!!!!
I have a brother coming this afternoon, I didn't believe ever, that he would ever believe he could come and visist me...tears of joy are coming from deep in me right now, and I'm going to stay with it....I am going to hang out with him for the next days to come- I have never sat in "parliament" and that is something we both enjoy, and are going to do together...sooo much to do here in Ottawa and Ottawa is fun!!!! It was meaningful for me to blogg and wow, great insight I had that I carried all my life, and all I did was write my OWN truth...
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Nothing Will Change For Me Until I Change The Conversation I Have With MYSELF!!!!
I not even blogging and I am already looking up "bored" in the dictionary. In looking up that word, my eyes go directly to "bore" weary by tedious talk or dullness (Oxford Dictionary)....hmm...
Well a place to start this blogg.....
This past week I have been allowing my 'body' to just roll around in the 'stuff' that it wanted to...Monday was a 'first' for me - allowing myself to do what I wanted to do, not do anything, eat when I wanted to, sleep when I wanted to, read when I wanted to, listen to CD's when I wanted to, get up when I wanted to, take a bath (in the middle of the day - wow, big rules there!!!), wear my pj's all day (I don't think I have ever done that, and yes, very aware when I was a child and was "sick" is the only time I did). Hmm, that actually brings some awareness to me, when I was sick and in my pj's - was the only time I really spent with my mom on a one-to-one - there are many siblings in my family... even though my mom was busy doing many "loads" of laundry, breakfast dishes, and working in the home, it was an amazing- wonderful experience for me, for just that one day, because I had her undivided attention - and how, disappointed I felt when my younger brother's and sister came through the door at the end of the day...that was 'it' for me to have that 'bond' between just my mom and I, and then the start of a busy afternoon, evening...fun and not so fun....
I no longer carry the belief that it is 'selfess' to allow myself the time with one individual and how many times I would 'try' to include someone else, just to be aware of the 'other person'. (certainly there is no right or wrong in this, yet... big consequences for me, because I made myself 'responsible' for someone else, so "they would fit in") AND I guess that is why I respect someone that is engaged in conversation with another person that I don't join in. It is not about me being self conconsious or whatever, it is simply that I enjoy one-on-one conversations. Not to get me wrong, on the power of many, I get that, I am from a large family - I see the amazing growth from topics that are discussed with many different ways to look at from many lens....And what I don't get right now, is that one-on-one conversation....no, I don't have to feel burden with the responsiblity of always making sure I include others because, hmm, I can hear Louise Lebrun say, the only two conversation going on in your life are, the one you have with yourself, and the one with another person - that's it...
What is resonating with me, and getting clearer as I write, is the conversation I have with myself. Maybe that is what Monday and this whole week was all about...what are the conversations I'm having with myself? I kind of find it funny, yet going back to my initial few sentences I talked about, the words I have come up with, "bored", "bore"...am I having conversations with myself that are dull, ones that don't light me up? Marie, nothing will change for you until you change the conversations that you have with yourself...come on! I really believe I have amazing conversations with many people, yet do I truly have amazing conversations with MYSELF? Do I really allow myself to dream of the possibilities for ME? AM I really "wallowing" in my potential of who I am capable of becoming? You know, this is where I seem to stop myself, each time I am this far into an amazing journey...and I STOP IN MY OWN TRACKS...I am thinking to myself, how can this time be different?...
well, Marie, you just wrote about how it can be different...instead of looking outside (externally referenced) look inside (internally reference) for MY own answers. I know that I am really fine and relax into allowing myself to dream once again...I am okay and can really give myself the permission to change when and if I want to...i don't need anyone else to guide me, help me, lean on me. You know, this has never been told to ME!!!!!!!...you are very powerful, strong and Highly Capable to DO amazing things that are ME. Things that I get excited about!!! Things that spark my attention!!! Things that I am passionate about. Oh, there is a word that I use in conversation for other's but do I use for me? "PASSIONATE" hmm, I haven't even used that word for me - for my students, yes, for my son, yes, but I haven't ever considered what I am passionate about...
This is so much clearer to me, and I am thankful to be "ALIVE" and "AWAKE" in knowing that something more than surface stuff is happening right now, I am thankful to myself to relax into this choas and clearer on what is happening...before I would just get the "flu" and after the week go back to my life and not be any wiser....
This weekend I am going to S.Ontario to be with family and friends - can't wait, and excited about how life is unfolding, because I get to show up as ME!!! Some are not there anymore in my life, that's okay with me, and it is exciting to be with the ones that are meaningful to ME!!! I no longer have to explain myself to anyone. PERIOD!!!
Next week I am going to have one of my brother's come and visit, a brother I never dreamed would ever even see the possiblities of coming for a visist ---I am looking forward to the experience and time spent with him - I know he is an amazing gift to me, to see so much more of my own potential...
From there I'm going to Halifax/Dartmouth, spending time with Amy, and I know lots of possiblilites are going to come into my awareness. THANKS!!! Also, I am very excited about Oceanstone (there is something there for me, in allowing to have endings, and life will unfold to possiblities...) And how much better does it get, attending "entreprenual women" from the 18th to 21 of Feb...spending time with other women that 'speak the same language'...and I must say to myself, I have never been in a program with Louise that I haven't had quantum growth leaving the program room...I am excited to my own possiblitlites and yes, I know I will be standing in a stronger, more powerful, MORE ME place!!!!!
This has been great to take some time to blogg today...funny how I could be doing all those busy things that probably need to be done, and when I take time out for ME, my life comes together, and my "boring" mundane things, get done in quicker time?!
I am catching the next deep breathe right now!!!!
Well a place to start this blogg.....
This past week I have been allowing my 'body' to just roll around in the 'stuff' that it wanted to...Monday was a 'first' for me - allowing myself to do what I wanted to do, not do anything, eat when I wanted to, sleep when I wanted to, read when I wanted to, listen to CD's when I wanted to, get up when I wanted to, take a bath (in the middle of the day - wow, big rules there!!!), wear my pj's all day (I don't think I have ever done that, and yes, very aware when I was a child and was "sick" is the only time I did). Hmm, that actually brings some awareness to me, when I was sick and in my pj's - was the only time I really spent with my mom on a one-to-one - there are many siblings in my family... even though my mom was busy doing many "loads" of laundry, breakfast dishes, and working in the home, it was an amazing- wonderful experience for me, for just that one day, because I had her undivided attention - and how, disappointed I felt when my younger brother's and sister came through the door at the end of the day...that was 'it' for me to have that 'bond' between just my mom and I, and then the start of a busy afternoon, evening...fun and not so fun....
I no longer carry the belief that it is 'selfess' to allow myself the time with one individual and how many times I would 'try' to include someone else, just to be aware of the 'other person'. (certainly there is no right or wrong in this, yet... big consequences for me, because I made myself 'responsible' for someone else, so "they would fit in") AND I guess that is why I respect someone that is engaged in conversation with another person that I don't join in. It is not about me being self conconsious or whatever, it is simply that I enjoy one-on-one conversations. Not to get me wrong, on the power of many, I get that, I am from a large family - I see the amazing growth from topics that are discussed with many different ways to look at from many lens....And what I don't get right now, is that one-on-one conversation....no, I don't have to feel burden with the responsiblity of always making sure I include others because, hmm, I can hear Louise Lebrun say, the only two conversation going on in your life are, the one you have with yourself, and the one with another person - that's it...
What is resonating with me, and getting clearer as I write, is the conversation I have with myself. Maybe that is what Monday and this whole week was all about...what are the conversations I'm having with myself? I kind of find it funny, yet going back to my initial few sentences I talked about, the words I have come up with, "bored", "bore"...am I having conversations with myself that are dull, ones that don't light me up? Marie, nothing will change for you until you change the conversations that you have with yourself...come on! I really believe I have amazing conversations with many people, yet do I truly have amazing conversations with MYSELF? Do I really allow myself to dream of the possibilities for ME? AM I really "wallowing" in my potential of who I am capable of becoming? You know, this is where I seem to stop myself, each time I am this far into an amazing journey...and I STOP IN MY OWN TRACKS...I am thinking to myself, how can this time be different?...
well, Marie, you just wrote about how it can be different...instead of looking outside (externally referenced) look inside (internally reference) for MY own answers. I know that I am really fine and relax into allowing myself to dream once again...I am okay and can really give myself the permission to change when and if I want to...i don't need anyone else to guide me, help me, lean on me. You know, this has never been told to ME!!!!!!!...you are very powerful, strong and Highly Capable to DO amazing things that are ME. Things that I get excited about!!! Things that spark my attention!!! Things that I am passionate about. Oh, there is a word that I use in conversation for other's but do I use for me? "PASSIONATE" hmm, I haven't even used that word for me - for my students, yes, for my son, yes, but I haven't ever considered what I am passionate about...
This is so much clearer to me, and I am thankful to be "ALIVE" and "AWAKE" in knowing that something more than surface stuff is happening right now, I am thankful to myself to relax into this choas and clearer on what is happening...before I would just get the "flu" and after the week go back to my life and not be any wiser....
This weekend I am going to S.Ontario to be with family and friends - can't wait, and excited about how life is unfolding, because I get to show up as ME!!! Some are not there anymore in my life, that's okay with me, and it is exciting to be with the ones that are meaningful to ME!!! I no longer have to explain myself to anyone. PERIOD!!!
Next week I am going to have one of my brother's come and visit, a brother I never dreamed would ever even see the possiblities of coming for a visist ---I am looking forward to the experience and time spent with him - I know he is an amazing gift to me, to see so much more of my own potential...
From there I'm going to Halifax/Dartmouth, spending time with Amy, and I know lots of possiblilites are going to come into my awareness. THANKS!!! Also, I am very excited about Oceanstone (there is something there for me, in allowing to have endings, and life will unfold to possiblities...) And how much better does it get, attending "entreprenual women" from the 18th to 21 of Feb...spending time with other women that 'speak the same language'...and I must say to myself, I have never been in a program with Louise that I haven't had quantum growth leaving the program room...I am excited to my own possiblitlites and yes, I know I will be standing in a stronger, more powerful, MORE ME place!!!!!
This has been great to take some time to blogg today...funny how I could be doing all those busy things that probably need to be done, and when I take time out for ME, my life comes together, and my "boring" mundane things, get done in quicker time?!
I am catching the next deep breathe right now!!!!
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Am I Trusting that I Can Have "ENDINGS'?
I am here this morning, blogging, and yes, have many other things that I want to do, and know that this is probably the most important thing I can do right now in this moment. The last four days I have been "losing" myself. I have been in that state that is, oh, all to familiar to me - where I feel like everything is spinning with no grounding, i am starting to feel withdrawn, looking for answers outside of myself...yes, this is why I am blogging....
I am certain that I am going forward yet wonder and know the default button has been pushed...
Something that is creeping into my awareness is, "the lack of money even though I can see I am just fine", "the equation that I give myself, "that my net worth is equal to my debt that I am creating once again". (Is that an illusion that I am creating and buying into?) This is coming up so strong in me...and I don't know if I am even willing to let it out.
The inward rage that I have right now is - wow, as I am typing I can feel this "vapour"of fire from my belly to my throat wanting to be ignited!
You know this is what is real and happening in my body - it is not about eloquent words crafted that have come out on this paper, IT IS REAL For ME - THE MOVEMENT IN MY BODY!!!
I can feel my fingers wanting to dash along the keyboard to speak; what "IS" wanting to come out of my body. Wow, how many times have I felt this in my life, of something that is REAL FOR ME, happening in MY BODY, and it ended up being dismissed as nothing, or hold something outside of myself as the truth, or how many times when I would just "tone it down" and then either walk away and let it fade out of my existence - yes, TERRIFIED OF MY OWN RAGE!!!!
How about Marie, just let go of the notion that "My net worth is not money"? "My net worth does not equal my bank account"? "The money I have contributed over the years has nothing to do with who you are as a valuable, contributing, loving, laughable human being?
How about you no longer have to "buy into" the notion that something outside me, do I have to hold as true for myself?
I sit here, just pondering...
I am calm right now, is this the habitual way that I would silence myself, or is this the sure, calm, strong, human being that I am?
I choose differently right now, "I am a sure, calm, strong, Healthy, (wow, that was a slip of the finger to capitalize the H or was it?) active, love of life human being!!! And man, I am more than my body!!!!
My life is mine and not what I thought it was before...not my son's, my husband's, my brother's or sister's, my in-laws, my friends, and I got this really a long time ago, my bosses!!! MY LIFE IS MINE!!!!!!
Just for today, I am going to listen to what is wanting to move in my body - not even concerned of what is moving in my husband's, because I get it....I am silencing myself from what is moving in my own body...
Am I trusting for myself that it is okay to have "endings" and to choose differently right now, and no longer allowing to have the same choice, repeated over and over again, that was creating insanity for me?
I came across these words surfing around the different Wel-Sytems Web-sites and I don't know who said them, was signed ME!
"I am choosing to BE me.
I will DO the things that are me.
I will have me.
I am home."
Thanks ME because this is how I am choosing differently right now, from ME!
As I take in a deep breathe, I will DO the things that are ME!!!!
I am certain that I am going forward yet wonder and know the default button has been pushed...
Something that is creeping into my awareness is, "the lack of money even though I can see I am just fine", "the equation that I give myself, "that my net worth is equal to my debt that I am creating once again". (Is that an illusion that I am creating and buying into?) This is coming up so strong in me...and I don't know if I am even willing to let it out.
The inward rage that I have right now is - wow, as I am typing I can feel this "vapour"of fire from my belly to my throat wanting to be ignited!
You know this is what is real and happening in my body - it is not about eloquent words crafted that have come out on this paper, IT IS REAL For ME - THE MOVEMENT IN MY BODY!!!
I can feel my fingers wanting to dash along the keyboard to speak; what "IS" wanting to come out of my body. Wow, how many times have I felt this in my life, of something that is REAL FOR ME, happening in MY BODY, and it ended up being dismissed as nothing, or hold something outside of myself as the truth, or how many times when I would just "tone it down" and then either walk away and let it fade out of my existence - yes, TERRIFIED OF MY OWN RAGE!!!!
How about Marie, just let go of the notion that "My net worth is not money"? "My net worth does not equal my bank account"? "The money I have contributed over the years has nothing to do with who you are as a valuable, contributing, loving, laughable human being?
How about you no longer have to "buy into" the notion that something outside me, do I have to hold as true for myself?
I sit here, just pondering...
I am calm right now, is this the habitual way that I would silence myself, or is this the sure, calm, strong, human being that I am?
I choose differently right now, "I am a sure, calm, strong, Healthy, (wow, that was a slip of the finger to capitalize the H or was it?) active, love of life human being!!! And man, I am more than my body!!!!
My life is mine and not what I thought it was before...not my son's, my husband's, my brother's or sister's, my in-laws, my friends, and I got this really a long time ago, my bosses!!! MY LIFE IS MINE!!!!!!
Just for today, I am going to listen to what is wanting to move in my body - not even concerned of what is moving in my husband's, because I get it....I am silencing myself from what is moving in my own body...
Am I trusting for myself that it is okay to have "endings" and to choose differently right now, and no longer allowing to have the same choice, repeated over and over again, that was creating insanity for me?
I came across these words surfing around the different Wel-Sytems Web-sites and I don't know who said them, was signed ME!
"I am choosing to BE me.
I will DO the things that are me.
I will have me.
I am home."
Thanks ME because this is how I am choosing differently right now, from ME!
As I take in a deep breathe, I will DO the things that are ME!!!!
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Why WAIT? why WEIGHT? First time, Doing this Differently!!!
Last night I went to bed and don't know if this was my last thought, before I fell asleep, or something that I was dreaming about during my sleep. During my recent university days I use to have a scribbler and every new word that I would 'meet' I would 'explore' - write the word down in the scribbler and then the meaning beside the word. It was an amazing way for me to expand my world and for my life to become bigger...
So, last night I went to bed with these two words, "wait" and "weight"----something that also resonates with me is WHY wait? Why weight? (hmm, I am looking at the Code Model TM right now -this is not a diagnostic tool yet a starting point for me and whoever wants to give themselves an opportunity to find out more about themselves, again a starting point for me, from a place of inquiry (created by Louise LeBrun from the Wel-systems Institute). So when I am asking a 'why' question I think about my beliefs/values/attitudes and who I have been taught to believe I am, and who I believe other people think I am, the Culturally Conditioned Self.
Okay, I am ready to play...
let me look up both 'wait' and 'weight' in "The Concise Oxford Dictionary":
wait - 1. defer action or departure for specified time or until some expected event occurs, be expected or on the watch (for, till; wait a minute, waited (for) and hour; shall not wait here any longer; kept me waiting or made me wait; wait till I come, have a month to wait yet; will do it for you while you wait; wait till i come, for high water or a fine day; waited to see what would happen...do not begin before the proper moment; for me!, do not go so fast that I am left behind; cannot, is impatient, you must wait your turn....p1207
Oh man my body is screaming already!!!LOL
Okay the next word that I want to look up, "weight"
1. force with which body tends to centre of attraction, esp. (of terrestrial things) degree of downward tendency in body produced as resultant of earth's gravitation and centrifugal force (the weight of a body varies with latitude and altitude but its mass does not) 2. relative mass or quantity of matter contained and giving rise to downward force, heaviness, ...p 1220
I know by even blogging this today it is giving me a voice - and because I am allowing this to be seen it is "transforming" for me...Over the past month my voice is getting much stronger, certain and more ME - who I really am in the world - the ME that is alive, vibrate, full of laughter! Funny how, and I can talk in the absolutes for this one, ALL of us know who we really are because in those moments we feel and think so ALIVE, and have WEL-BEING, our bodies are AWAKE! -check in with yourself next time when you are having fun at work!!! Yes, that can happen believe it or not, and why don't we allow that to happen?....Who I really know who I am, and who I have been "weighting/waiting" down most my life is something that is coming into my awareness right now...my weight, my heaviness in my body is not about bad nutrition (come on, all us overweight people, we know about good nutrition, we got that together when the big diet craze came in - probably in the late 70's - this might rot your socks off but next time ask an overweight person about good nutrition and I am certain you will walk away with amazing information that you have never even thought about...). Oh okay, there never is just one thing - many things can co-exist at the same time...
For me, I have taught myself to not want to move my body; yet when, I know, AND it is the polar opposite - I feel alive, well, so full of health, WHEN MY BODY IS MOVING...Yes, I don't want to move my body because I bought into the whole "healthy life" stuff, that only certain size people can participate...and I must look at the "wait" that has been with me for many, many years...I wait for my friend to come over, I wait until my son grows up and then I can do something for me, I wait until my husband comes home to snowplow the driveway (this happen the other day and I wondered to myself, the machine is not that "heavy" why don't I learn to operate it myself? My next breathe, I am moving away from the belief of gender - men are not the enemy - believe me, my husband would of been delighted if he didn't have to come home from his massage the other night to snowplow out the driveway (now that is an oxymoron! Laughing Out Loud!! LOL). I don't know if this really fits but everything is connected - my hair the other day looked like "YUCK" when I flat iron it - when i was finished I said to myself, next time I get my hair done I am going to get the hairstylist to teach me how to flat iron my hair - I am going to ask for me to do it - not her - and that it the only way I am going to learn (hmm, not 'wait' around for something to happen when I can't get out of my own way to ask...)
Well it is Sunday and I love this day with my husband...i know i stand in a different place by blogging today...thanks!!!! love and laughter, Marie
So, last night I went to bed with these two words, "wait" and "weight"----something that also resonates with me is WHY wait? Why weight? (hmm, I am looking at the Code Model TM right now -this is not a diagnostic tool yet a starting point for me and whoever wants to give themselves an opportunity to find out more about themselves, again a starting point for me, from a place of inquiry (created by Louise LeBrun from the Wel-systems Institute). So when I am asking a 'why' question I think about my beliefs/values/attitudes and who I have been taught to believe I am, and who I believe other people think I am, the Culturally Conditioned Self.
Okay, I am ready to play...
let me look up both 'wait' and 'weight' in "The Concise Oxford Dictionary":
wait - 1. defer action or departure for specified time or until some expected event occurs, be expected or on the watch (for, till; wait a minute, waited (for) and hour; shall not wait here any longer; kept me waiting or made me wait; wait till I come, have a month to wait yet; will do it for you while you wait; wait till i come, for high water or a fine day; waited to see what would happen...do not begin before the proper moment; for me!, do not go so fast that I am left behind; cannot, is impatient, you must wait your turn....p1207
Oh man my body is screaming already!!!LOL
Okay the next word that I want to look up, "weight"
1. force with which body tends to centre of attraction, esp. (of terrestrial things) degree of downward tendency in body produced as resultant of earth's gravitation and centrifugal force (the weight of a body varies with latitude and altitude but its mass does not) 2. relative mass or quantity of matter contained and giving rise to downward force, heaviness, ...p 1220
I know by even blogging this today it is giving me a voice - and because I am allowing this to be seen it is "transforming" for me...Over the past month my voice is getting much stronger, certain and more ME - who I really am in the world - the ME that is alive, vibrate, full of laughter! Funny how, and I can talk in the absolutes for this one, ALL of us know who we really are because in those moments we feel and think so ALIVE, and have WEL-BEING, our bodies are AWAKE! -check in with yourself next time when you are having fun at work!!! Yes, that can happen believe it or not, and why don't we allow that to happen?....Who I really know who I am, and who I have been "weighting/waiting" down most my life is something that is coming into my awareness right now...my weight, my heaviness in my body is not about bad nutrition (come on, all us overweight people, we know about good nutrition, we got that together when the big diet craze came in - probably in the late 70's - this might rot your socks off but next time ask an overweight person about good nutrition and I am certain you will walk away with amazing information that you have never even thought about...). Oh okay, there never is just one thing - many things can co-exist at the same time...
For me, I have taught myself to not want to move my body; yet when, I know, AND it is the polar opposite - I feel alive, well, so full of health, WHEN MY BODY IS MOVING...Yes, I don't want to move my body because I bought into the whole "healthy life" stuff, that only certain size people can participate...and I must look at the "wait" that has been with me for many, many years...I wait for my friend to come over, I wait until my son grows up and then I can do something for me, I wait until my husband comes home to snowplow the driveway (this happen the other day and I wondered to myself, the machine is not that "heavy" why don't I learn to operate it myself? My next breathe, I am moving away from the belief of gender - men are not the enemy - believe me, my husband would of been delighted if he didn't have to come home from his massage the other night to snowplow out the driveway (now that is an oxymoron! Laughing Out Loud!! LOL). I don't know if this really fits but everything is connected - my hair the other day looked like "YUCK" when I flat iron it - when i was finished I said to myself, next time I get my hair done I am going to get the hairstylist to teach me how to flat iron my hair - I am going to ask for me to do it - not her - and that it the only way I am going to learn (hmm, not 'wait' around for something to happen when I can't get out of my own way to ask...)
Well it is Sunday and I love this day with my husband...i know i stand in a different place by blogging today...thanks!!!! love and laughter, Marie
Friday, January 25, 2008
Am I Willing To Allow The Full Potential Of This "FIRE" to be UNLEASHED!!!
It is Friday, I can't believe the time 'is a flying'...The light has not come to day as yet and I am loving the quiet of the early, cold, purple hue dawn....So much is moving in me right now and I just want to SCREAM!!!
I know that I sound different, I know I am vibrating different than even before Christmas...i know that I matter to me, I matter to me to be alive, and I matter to me to do this in my 'style' of FUN!!!
Yes, I am opening up to the world and listening to the difference pulses of "tragedy" "abuse" "depression" "suicide" "accidental death" and the list goes on... and I can clear that I am exactly where I need to be - I am enough - and I don't have to do serious things, seriously.
Yesterday I was getting my business name registered and really having a difficult time...oh, how i am not computer "friendly" LOL - it has taken me the last few days to finally register my buisness name. AND Yes, I am so excited about the possibilities of my emerging future and I took sometime playing around with my potential business name and poof -it sooo...resonates with me, ... my business name is, "Trust your Self".
Over the course of the last few months, I have been, and we create our own reality, in situations, happenings etc that I had only ME to trust and that was IT. Yes, there is many amazing people coming into my life and they are willing and able and there too support, be a friend, etc. yet I am very clear that I look inward for my own truth. I have moved away from quite a few identifies that i was carrying over the course of the last six months that were causing me to be dis eased or living way out of my body - no, this is not weird, this is as simple as, I bring my attention down into the base of my spine, allow oxygen in, and my life is so much clearer when I am living in my body - then living up in my head, breathing shallowly, spinning like a spin-top, spinning all over the place and not having a sense of "certainly" "groundedness" "calm" in my chaos. Let me look up the word, "chaos"...."n. formless primordial matter; utter confusion" The Consice Oxford Dictionary also the word, "primordial" existing at or from the beginning, prieval;noriginal, fundamenal;" The Consice Oxford Dictionary...
This is getting clearer to why I am blogging...Am I willing to allow this choas in my body to be there and no that I am just fine? Or am I going to flatten it again with food? Drown it with food? I don't like this much agitation, prickly stuff to be moving in me and I do shut it down? Am I willing to breathe into this and not away from this? It has not gone away for the past week and am I willing to embace the full potential? Am I willing to unleash this huge fire that is in me to first combust, then to rage, then sit back away from the fire and enjoy the full intensity and exictement!!! I AM AFRAID OF MY OWN FIRE!!!!
Wow, this is clear...I am not alone anymore and I am HUGE!!! there is no coincidence for me to look back at the beginning of this blogg and I speak about dawn...talk soon, love and laughter!
I know that I sound different, I know I am vibrating different than even before Christmas...i know that I matter to me, I matter to me to be alive, and I matter to me to do this in my 'style' of FUN!!!
Yes, I am opening up to the world and listening to the difference pulses of "tragedy" "abuse" "depression" "suicide" "accidental death" and the list goes on... and I can clear that I am exactly where I need to be - I am enough - and I don't have to do serious things, seriously.
Yesterday I was getting my business name registered and really having a difficult time...oh, how i am not computer "friendly" LOL - it has taken me the last few days to finally register my buisness name. AND Yes, I am so excited about the possibilities of my emerging future and I took sometime playing around with my potential business name and poof -it sooo...resonates with me, ... my business name is, "Trust your Self".
Over the course of the last few months, I have been, and we create our own reality, in situations, happenings etc that I had only ME to trust and that was IT. Yes, there is many amazing people coming into my life and they are willing and able and there too support, be a friend, etc. yet I am very clear that I look inward for my own truth. I have moved away from quite a few identifies that i was carrying over the course of the last six months that were causing me to be dis eased or living way out of my body - no, this is not weird, this is as simple as, I bring my attention down into the base of my spine, allow oxygen in, and my life is so much clearer when I am living in my body - then living up in my head, breathing shallowly, spinning like a spin-top, spinning all over the place and not having a sense of "certainly" "groundedness" "calm" in my chaos. Let me look up the word, "chaos"...."n. formless primordial matter; utter confusion" The Consice Oxford Dictionary also the word, "primordial" existing at or from the beginning, prieval;noriginal, fundamenal;" The Consice Oxford Dictionary...
This is getting clearer to why I am blogging...Am I willing to allow this choas in my body to be there and no that I am just fine? Or am I going to flatten it again with food? Drown it with food? I don't like this much agitation, prickly stuff to be moving in me and I do shut it down? Am I willing to breathe into this and not away from this? It has not gone away for the past week and am I willing to embace the full potential? Am I willing to unleash this huge fire that is in me to first combust, then to rage, then sit back away from the fire and enjoy the full intensity and exictement!!! I AM AFRAID OF MY OWN FIRE!!!!
Wow, this is clear...I am not alone anymore and I am HUGE!!! there is no coincidence for me to look back at the beginning of this blogg and I speak about dawn...talk soon, love and laughter!
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Hmm...I thought I was Staying in the TOUGH Converstions....
I am having a lot rumbling around in my body these past couple of days, there is intensity... Yesterday I enjoyed the snowfall that ended up being more than they expected - went for a walk with my dog and met a man that smiled and said, "what a beautiful day" and my replied back to him was, "I am so happy that someone else is enjoying this..." we both laughed, and it felt so great to be alive with owning my own perspective of my reality - not listening to the outside world, especially when there is a "snowstorm" happening - wow, lots of fear, anxiety there if I allow myself to buy into it!!!
The other night I had a conversation with my son that lasted three hours. The first hour was all the black stuff that has presented its ugly head over these past couple of years - "I don't want to live anymore" - "there is nothing more for me to live for" - (this is the most .....I don't even have words for this as these are the hardest, brutally honest words that come out of my 20 year old son) and, I instinctively knowing something that has been rumbling down deep inside me, that I knew that not everything was totally right...I will give myself some time to give some content (and I know that there is no content in content). In Gareth's grade twelve my husband and I decided that our life wasn't working in Halifax - knowing that (and knowing for years) Ottawa would be a good choice. Chris got his resume together, had an old friend that was in Ottawa, he looked it over, and from there his friend asked if he could pass the resume on to his boss. Chris was phoned and two days later was flying to Ottawa, receiving a job in Ottawa a day later. Wow! Life changed in a neo-second - 31 years in the military and now he was working for the private sector. Gareth was accepted at the University of Calgary and things were okay with him - he had always wanted to go there since grade nine. For myself, life really wasn't working for me and yes, it meant I would be closer geographically to my family in Southern Ontario and knew that I had more potential here in Ottawa. Life was good so we thought....
Immediately I had a friend that was an interior decorator and she made amazing changes (inexpensive choices) - we worked with her, painted our house, staged as she suggested...and I had the most beautiful home (funny how that works, and maybe I need to pay attention to that thought of, making everyone else's living pleasurable, not my own???)
Chris was on the plane to start work in Ottawa, the first of March, somehow our family was starting to break up....Gareth was in school, doing all those damn hard science courses (he likes that and clear that you get more attention when the classes are smaller), I don't know, I don't want to be in a physics course especially in university if I can help it...I could see Gareth disconnecting over the time fame of the final four months that he was finishing his grade twelve. Actually at one point, (marks, homework, school was never a concern of ours with Gareth)I could see that he was dropping in his physic mark (I don't even know how the conversation came up - we never had to talk about his marks) yet he was starting to find it draining and he was struggling. I emailed his physic's teacher (I was also a substitute teacher at this high school) and just let him know of my concerns. His physic's teacher replied back and said, you don't have to worry about Gareth - he is one student that you don't have to worry about...hmm, do I read that different now...Gareth, the long and short of this story, ended up being on the Principal's list a lower status then being on the graduation program as a honor student. I was crushed for Gareth as he has never, not even one term, all though his elementary, junior high and high school days, had been anything else then an honor's student. Maybe that is more about me, then Gareth....
The other night during the conversation with Gareth, I finally got real with myself, I drew the line in the sand for me and said to him, "no more am I going into this black hole with you"...well, the conversation got meaningful...it gave Gareth space to let me know how he was feeling and why he was still bothered about it all. One word that came out of his mouth was, "I feel like I was betrayed". Wow!!!!! I would of never thought, and completely thought the opposite, that I am a caring, loving, compassionate mother. What came out of my mouth is I can see why you are feeling that way - we never talked about the move - wow! come on, I thought I did, but did I? My whole body is numb right now, and something that I will have conversations with myself and with Gareth and Chris...
I want to visit the word "betrayed".... 1. to give in the hands of an enemy by treachery 2. to be faithless to 3. to disclose, reveal as a secret 4 to disclose unintentionally The Winston Canadian Dictionary
For myself, how many times have I lied to myself or been lied to by people that love me...no it is usually not intentional but how many times do I not complete what I have as a thought, then allow myself to be persuaded/convinced of something, and do I really listen to the stuff, information that is moving around in my own body...how many times have I lied to myself.....i need to re visit that statement....how many times have I felt a huge excitement in my body and as time moves away from that... i begin to forget on how that made me feel or how alive I felt in that moment...
there is so much more for me to say, and right now there is so much for me to pay attention to what I have written down...
A reflection I have from the newspaper the other day... a "well respected trusted prominent figure" sexually molested 13 boys in the years of say 1960 to 1984 and... the accused mother replied after a "victim's parent" (because I believe you are victim at that age) approached her about the ordeal and her reply was, "is he up to that again"....
What is coming up for me is to allow space to be opened up, in order for me, and my loved ones to speak their truth of their own experience....i don't know where this blog really is going yet I know the other night I am glad I did stay in the tough conversation and it wasn't easy for me - and how much clarity I have today...these past two years have humbled me and I live in gratitude...i am happy to be alive!!!! I am going to blog off right now, and sit back and breathe....
The other night I had a conversation with my son that lasted three hours. The first hour was all the black stuff that has presented its ugly head over these past couple of years - "I don't want to live anymore" - "there is nothing more for me to live for" - (this is the most .....I don't even have words for this as these are the hardest, brutally honest words that come out of my 20 year old son) and, I instinctively knowing something that has been rumbling down deep inside me, that I knew that not everything was totally right...I will give myself some time to give some content (and I know that there is no content in content). In Gareth's grade twelve my husband and I decided that our life wasn't working in Halifax - knowing that (and knowing for years) Ottawa would be a good choice. Chris got his resume together, had an old friend that was in Ottawa, he looked it over, and from there his friend asked if he could pass the resume on to his boss. Chris was phoned and two days later was flying to Ottawa, receiving a job in Ottawa a day later. Wow! Life changed in a neo-second - 31 years in the military and now he was working for the private sector. Gareth was accepted at the University of Calgary and things were okay with him - he had always wanted to go there since grade nine. For myself, life really wasn't working for me and yes, it meant I would be closer geographically to my family in Southern Ontario and knew that I had more potential here in Ottawa. Life was good so we thought....
Immediately I had a friend that was an interior decorator and she made amazing changes (inexpensive choices) - we worked with her, painted our house, staged as she suggested...and I had the most beautiful home (funny how that works, and maybe I need to pay attention to that thought of, making everyone else's living pleasurable, not my own???)
Chris was on the plane to start work in Ottawa, the first of March, somehow our family was starting to break up....Gareth was in school, doing all those damn hard science courses (he likes that and clear that you get more attention when the classes are smaller), I don't know, I don't want to be in a physics course especially in university if I can help it...I could see Gareth disconnecting over the time fame of the final four months that he was finishing his grade twelve. Actually at one point, (marks, homework, school was never a concern of ours with Gareth)I could see that he was dropping in his physic mark (I don't even know how the conversation came up - we never had to talk about his marks) yet he was starting to find it draining and he was struggling. I emailed his physic's teacher (I was also a substitute teacher at this high school) and just let him know of my concerns. His physic's teacher replied back and said, you don't have to worry about Gareth - he is one student that you don't have to worry about...hmm, do I read that different now...Gareth, the long and short of this story, ended up being on the Principal's list a lower status then being on the graduation program as a honor student. I was crushed for Gareth as he has never, not even one term, all though his elementary, junior high and high school days, had been anything else then an honor's student. Maybe that is more about me, then Gareth....
The other night during the conversation with Gareth, I finally got real with myself, I drew the line in the sand for me and said to him, "no more am I going into this black hole with you"...well, the conversation got meaningful...it gave Gareth space to let me know how he was feeling and why he was still bothered about it all. One word that came out of his mouth was, "I feel like I was betrayed". Wow!!!!! I would of never thought, and completely thought the opposite, that I am a caring, loving, compassionate mother. What came out of my mouth is I can see why you are feeling that way - we never talked about the move - wow! come on, I thought I did, but did I? My whole body is numb right now, and something that I will have conversations with myself and with Gareth and Chris...
I want to visit the word "betrayed".... 1. to give in the hands of an enemy by treachery 2. to be faithless to 3. to disclose, reveal as a secret 4 to disclose unintentionally The Winston Canadian Dictionary
For myself, how many times have I lied to myself or been lied to by people that love me...no it is usually not intentional but how many times do I not complete what I have as a thought, then allow myself to be persuaded/convinced of something, and do I really listen to the stuff, information that is moving around in my own body...how many times have I lied to myself.....i need to re visit that statement....how many times have I felt a huge excitement in my body and as time moves away from that... i begin to forget on how that made me feel or how alive I felt in that moment...
there is so much more for me to say, and right now there is so much for me to pay attention to what I have written down...
A reflection I have from the newspaper the other day... a "well respected trusted prominent figure" sexually molested 13 boys in the years of say 1960 to 1984 and... the accused mother replied after a "victim's parent" (because I believe you are victim at that age) approached her about the ordeal and her reply was, "is he up to that again"....
What is coming up for me is to allow space to be opened up, in order for me, and my loved ones to speak their truth of their own experience....i don't know where this blog really is going yet I know the other night I am glad I did stay in the tough conversation and it wasn't easy for me - and how much clarity I have today...these past two years have humbled me and I live in gratitude...i am happy to be alive!!!! I am going to blog off right now, and sit back and breathe....
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