Hmm...I thought I was Staying in the TOUGH Converstions....

I am having a lot rumbling around in my body these past couple of days, there is intensity... Yesterday I enjoyed the snowfall that ended up being more than they expected - went for a walk with my dog and met a man that smiled and said, "what a beautiful day" and my replied back to him was, "I am so happy that someone else is enjoying this..." we both laughed, and it felt so great to be alive with owning my own perspective of my reality - not listening to the outside world, especially when there is a "snowstorm" happening - wow, lots of fear, anxiety there if I allow myself to buy into it!!!
The other night I had a conversation with my son that lasted three hours. The first hour was all the black stuff that has presented its ugly head over these past couple of years - "I don't want to live anymore" - "there is nothing more for me to live for" - (this is the most .....I don't even have words for this as these are the hardest, brutally honest words that come out of my 20 year old son) and, I instinctively knowing something that has been rumbling down deep inside me, that I knew that not everything was totally right...I will give myself some time to give some content (and I know that there is no content in content). In Gareth's grade twelve my husband and I decided that our life wasn't working in Halifax - knowing that (and knowing for years) Ottawa would be a good choice. Chris got his resume together, had an old friend that was in Ottawa, he looked it over, and from there his friend asked if he could pass the resume on to his boss. Chris was phoned and two days later was flying to Ottawa, receiving a job in Ottawa a day later. Wow! Life changed in a neo-second - 31 years in the military and now he was working for the private sector. Gareth was accepted at the University of Calgary and things were okay with him - he had always wanted to go there since grade nine. For myself, life really wasn't working for me and yes, it meant I would be closer geographically to my family in Southern Ontario and knew that I had more potential here in Ottawa. Life was good so we thought....
Immediately I had a friend that was an interior decorator and she made amazing changes (inexpensive choices) - we worked with her, painted our house, staged as she suggested...and I had the most beautiful home (funny how that works, and maybe I need to pay attention to that thought of, making everyone else's living pleasurable, not my own???)
Chris was on the plane to start work in Ottawa, the first of March, somehow our family was starting to break up....Gareth was in school, doing all those damn hard science courses (he likes that and clear that you get more attention when the classes are smaller), I don't know, I don't want to be in a physics course especially in university if I can help it...I could see Gareth disconnecting over the time fame of the final four months that he was finishing his grade twelve. Actually at one point, (marks, homework, school was never a concern of ours with Gareth)I could see that he was dropping in his physic mark (I don't even know how the conversation came up - we never had to talk about his marks) yet he was starting to find it draining and he was struggling. I emailed his physic's teacher (I was also a substitute teacher at this high school) and just let him know of my concerns. His physic's teacher replied back and said, you don't have to worry about Gareth - he is one student that you don't have to worry about...hmm, do I read that different now...Gareth, the long and short of this story, ended up being on the Principal's list a lower status then being on the graduation program as a honor student. I was crushed for Gareth as he has never, not even one term, all though his elementary, junior high and high school days, had been anything else then an honor's student. Maybe that is more about me, then Gareth....
The other night during the conversation with Gareth, I finally got real with myself, I drew the line in the sand for me and said to him, "no more am I going into this black hole with you"...well, the conversation got meaningful...it gave Gareth space to let me know how he was feeling and why he was still bothered about it all. One word that came out of his mouth was, "I feel like I was betrayed". Wow!!!!! I would of never thought, and completely thought the opposite, that I am a caring, loving, compassionate mother. What came out of my mouth is I can see why you are feeling that way - we never talked about the move - wow! come on, I thought I did, but did I? My whole body is numb right now, and something that I will have conversations with myself and with Gareth and Chris...
I want to visit the word "betrayed".... 1. to give in the hands of an enemy by treachery 2. to be faithless to 3. to disclose, reveal as a secret 4 to disclose unintentionally The Winston Canadian Dictionary
For myself, how many times have I lied to myself or been lied to by people that love me...no it is usually not intentional but how many times do I not complete what I have as a thought, then allow myself to be persuaded/convinced of something, and do I really listen to the stuff, information that is moving around in my own body...how many times have I lied to myself.....i need to re visit that statement....how many times have I felt a huge excitement in my body and as time moves away from that... i begin to forget on how that made me feel or how alive I felt in that moment...
there is so much more for me to say, and right now there is so much for me to pay attention to what I have written down...
A reflection I have from the newspaper the other day... a "well respected trusted prominent figure" sexually molested 13 boys in the years of say 1960 to 1984 and... the accused mother replied after a "victim's parent" (because I believe you are victim at that age) approached her about the ordeal and her reply was, "is he up to that again"....
What is coming up for me is to allow space to be opened up, in order for me, and my loved ones to speak their truth of their own experience....i don't know where this blog really is going yet I know the other night I am glad I did stay in the tough conversation and it wasn't easy for me - and how much clarity I have today...these past two years have humbled me and I live in gratitude...i am happy to be alive!!!! I am going to blog off right now, and sit back and breathe....