How Different "MOTHER's DAY" MEANS TO ME! W

Hmm, funny how I have wanted/desired/needed to blog over this past week, and how I choose not to do so....one thing that is very clear to me right now is that I am giving myself SPACE...what does that mean for me? Oh, of course, I always allow myself the space to just "Allow" and "Invite" or DO I always or just when it is in my awareness?

How busy I can become with all those things that I believe I need to do - you know, that make me a wonderful wife, wonderful mother, wonderful friend, wonderful sister, wonderful neighbour and the list goes on - and at the end of the day, what is left for ME? "Wonderful Me?" Maybe that is why I chose to be by myself a lot because I no longer want what I had in my past anymore. And how my world is now opening up to many different possiblilities!

My experience on "Mother's Day" this year, was a very different experience that I 'have never had' in all my life, and I must say, at times during the day almost felt serville. My husband and I decided to go on a bike ride down to Dow's Lake to see the tulips (tulip festival in Ottawa is absolutely amazing - and what better way then to enjoy all the senses - then by biking and to add, it has been a long time that I have enjoyed moving my body (there would of been many rules these past couple of years (diabetes) and not to mention, if I think about the many years I spent saying "no" to my husband because of .....and I am sure you can fill in the blank. Hmm, maybe it was me not liking who I had become that was stopping me from engaging in my own life....So by riding and being out in the air I felt 'free'! "Wonderful ME!"

Now the added bonus to all of this, is that my son asked if he could join us. Yes, my twenty year old son wanted/desired to come along with our adventure. How cool is that? I must say that biking and just allowing myself to feel the different sensations in my body - air flowing by, different fragances of the blossoming trees, water flowing, children singing, people swanging on roller skates, people walking - me, moving my body and just that feeling of momentum..oh, how AMAZING! OH WHAT A FEELiNG!!!! (the song rings loudly in my head) OH WHAT A FEELING, WHAT A RUSH!!!

As we got closer to the canal, their were some people fishing and they had caught a huge fish - it was a show stopper and even the boat on the canal stopped to watch the excitment of the final stages of the people catching the fish - HOW ALIVE PEOPLE were!- they was a huge applaush when they finally caught the fish! Oh how we are HUNGRY FOR Excitment in our OWN LIVES!!!

It was astounding how many people were out taking pictures of their family, loved ones by the brilliant colours of the many different types of tulips. In that moment, tt was a SPACE that I had given to myself, that gave me such immense connectiveness to myself and to other's. We really are very different and totally the same. There was huge smiles from people and the day was glorious!

So how is this any different then any other "Mother's Day"?

I know longer have to ask for permission to enjoy the "WONDERFUL ME". I don't have to think about everyone else before myself. Is that selfish? No, because when I am so filled up with joy and wonderment that is what I can exude into my world. And that is what ripples...If I don't believe I am the one to "INSERT" myself and "STEP UP to THE TABLE" then how does anyone know that I want more in my life? Or what I want/desire/need in my life. After all, it is MY LIFE.

I am sure that my husband believes year after year that he was doing amazing things for me. And he was, but did I believe he was? Did I 'insert' myself and let him know the truth of what was meaningful to me, or did I just accept what he thought was "apporpiate" and pretended everything was okay? What kind of 'stories' did I start believeing year after year, and over time, it left me feeling isolated, not loved, not cared or valued? Do I ask my husband what are his needs/wants/desires and often we have these kinds of conversations - believe me, they are totally different then what I presume his wants/desires/needs to be.

What struck me about the day is that the three of us were doing what each of us wanted/desired/needed to do - not twisting ourselves into what the others wanted to do....and how we went to our own rhtyme - at times we were biking at different speeds, enjoying our own
SPACE and without judgement, or haste - you know maybe all the other "MOTHER'S DAYS" was one day that I allowed myself to get really "PISSEY" (whatever I would want to bump up against in my past) - typically because I was "angry" and didn't know how to let that come out. Wow, I am so glad that I am standing right here because My LIFE is so much more MEANINGFUL To me - and as a result, it is rippling out....