Feeling "SAFE" in my BEING.

I spent some time today with a group of women that are up for HUGE intensity in their own lives. There is no hiding or colluding or talking about the mundane stuff - and guess what! I get to discover more of who I am!

My husband was not home at the end of this day, and he was going to pick me up from the west side of the city - yet he wasn't home when I phoned. Somehow, I knew that I needed the SPACE that a bus trip would give me, from the west side of the city to the east side...

Something that has come up for me is this notion..."innocent as a state of being"

Well that has been on the forefront of my mind all day....

I am going to do the thing, that makes sense to me and look up the word, "innocent" - The oxford Dictionary 1.free from moral wrong, sinless, unacquainted with evil 3. simple, guileless, harmless, naive, pretending to be guileless

I guess right now I can only ask questions. Why can't I still have "innocents as a state of being" even though I'm forty-eight? Was my innocents taken away from me at such a early age that I don't even have an understanding? Do I always go into "fear" when something that happened to me, ripples out to my son and the student's I taught? Am I fooled by my own self, by avoiding or when i feel sadness that I blame myself?

Today it was re assuring to me that we don't come from the "intact" family. There is no such thing as a "perfect family". My parents stuff that was not so good, was their stuff. I don't have to take that stuff as my own anymore. It was their "bullshit" stuff and I don't have to own it anymore. Neither does my own son have to claim the "bullshit" stuff that is from me and my husband. It is something that "frees" me right now.

I have carried huge humiliation all my life - and just hoped it would go away, that no one would notice. It defined me of who I was and NO MORE!

How SAFE did I feel in my own home? No, man, we don't talk about this! And there were many times in my child/teenage life that I didn't feel safe. Did it have to be that way? NO! Because I/we aren't taughed to speak up and out when we are hurt, and let people know that we don't feel safe. Nor do we as parents ever ask our children - and really listen to what they want/desire/need to say - even if it takes hours to be with them before they want/desire/need all honouring who they are - how sacred that is!!!! Just huge waves are going through me right now...

Okay let me go back to the word "innocents"free from moral wrong, sinless, unacquainted - there was this huge belief when I was growning up that because it was a "morally good home" that all was "safe"...

How many times did i want to speak up and I was rushed off because someone had to be somewhere.

What I want to say for myself right now, is, usually it only takes that few more minutes...that makes the difference for me. Trust my SELF...