Something that I only DREAM about in my mind, is now a REALITY for me!

Over these last couple of weeks I have been going through some 'uncomfortable' ways - it is something very familiar to me yet something that I am paying attention to because it is so hidden, sticky, and does not want to be brought to the surface, and has stopped me in my tracks to not go forward...I always have had these body responses in my life, yes, many times...this time I am inviting SPACE (which I have given myself these past two weeks...) allowing,

Movement...Flow....

I know the familiar response in my body and always quickly allowed it to settle back down to where it wants to go...it may be like a 'fear' or even many 'fears' and I am certain that even though it is brought to my awareness I choose to 'get rid of it quickly', 'hold it back down', 'avoid the sensation in my body so it will go away', 'no way it is not about me', 'turn away from it' and the list goes on...
I wonder if these responses is what many refer to the 'black' side of myself and many of us believe we have and don't want to go towards these 'feelings' - and you know what, I don't believe it is 'black' at all because this is the information that will 'free' me of my 'uncomfortable' ways I know to be true in my body...

Something interesting happen to me this week...as you know, I am from a family of twelve. We all "came to the dinner table" each night to gather, and most important to each of us, to eat. If we didn't make it to the dinner table than the pickings were slim in the fridge. Sooo, in my body it has never made sense to me, to not take a place at the table - man, I never wanted to be left with not much to eat. This is not bad, good, right or wrong - no, we didn't go days without food, food was the first priority for my father and mother - I believe my parents went grocery shopping everyday or at least every second day. What I am saying, that after dinner not too was to be had, so the number one logical answer was, you brought yourself and placed yourself at the table.

What has clicked for me this week is the word "insert". Yes, we did come to the table but not always were we heard. Some of us were quiet, some of us were loud and some of us you just wanted to hurry up and leave the table so the conversation wouldn't center around those individuals. Oh man, what chaos!!! And there was lots of meaningful times around the dinner table.

Okay...The word insert - the definition in the Oxford Dictionary - "INSERT" - place, fit, thrust, in (thing in, into another, between edges etc.)

This week 'it' did feel good in my body to 'insert' myself, and funny enough, pouf, it took on a whole new way on it's own. It is very clear to me that by 'inserting' myself something was born. Do I make a difference? Yes, I do when I 'insert' myself, and not when I don't 'insert' myself? hmm, interesting...

Before, I was willing to come to the table, and for me, it meant a lot to come to the table, yet it wasn't the 'whole'. I now have the awareness that coming to the table wasn't enough for me - it was 'inserting' myself that my life has catapulted into a open loop accelerating emerging future. Something that I only dreamed about in my mind, of what I wanted/desired/needed is now a reality for me. And all I did was "insert' myself.

I never could understand, and I must say most of my life, why people overlooked me when I just came to the table. So I was that 'high energy' person yet never did I show my edges.

I think about me, in my past, and you know what, i was wonderful but I wasn't clear on what I was willing to do, and what I was willing not to do. So that rippled out into my world and i appeared to be 'confused' or whatever... After all, what makes me 'light up now' is that I am really 'loving' ME and that not only am I that, I too have many edges. Oh man, I can just sob right now because, right now it is an amazing place for me to be...the sobs are "tears of joy" not sadness....

Edges, we all have them, and what I am finding out is that it is making my life more meaningful to live - and the people that love me are finding I am more enjoyable to live with. Hmm, quite the opposite to what I believed all my life. No, I don't have to 'punch someone' or 'scream at someone' that is not what i am taking about showing my edges - It is more about the strength of my voice, not caving in on myself, giving up on myself, the clarity in my thoughts and just 'loving' ME!

Who better than you, can be YOU!!!!