Am I Trusting that I Can Have "ENDINGS'?

I am here this morning, blogging, and yes, have many other things that I want to do, and know that this is probably the most important thing I can do right now in this moment. The last four days I have been "losing" myself. I have been in that state that is, oh, all to familiar to me - where I feel like everything is spinning with no grounding, i am starting to feel withdrawn, looking for answers outside of myself...yes, this is why I am blogging....

I am certain that I am going forward yet wonder and know the default button has been pushed...
Something that is creeping into my awareness is, "the lack of money even though I can see I am just fine", "the equation that I give myself, "that my net worth is equal to my debt that I am creating once again". (Is that an illusion that I am creating and buying into?) This is coming up so strong in me...and I don't know if I am even willing to let it out.

The inward rage that I have right now is - wow, as I am typing I can feel this "vapour"of fire from my belly to my throat wanting to be ignited!

You know this is what is real and happening in my body - it is not about eloquent words crafted that have come out on this paper, IT IS REAL For ME - THE MOVEMENT IN MY BODY!!!

I can feel my fingers wanting to dash along the keyboard to speak; what "IS" wanting to come out of my body. Wow, how many times have I felt this in my life, of something that is REAL FOR ME, happening in MY BODY, and it ended up being dismissed as nothing, or hold something outside of myself as the truth, or how many times when I would just "tone it down" and then either walk away and let it fade out of my existence - yes, TERRIFIED OF MY OWN RAGE!!!!

How about Marie, just let go of the notion that "My net worth is not money"? "My net worth does not equal my bank account"? "The money I have contributed over the years has nothing to do with who you are as a valuable, contributing, loving, laughable human being?

How about you no longer have to "buy into" the notion that something outside me, do I have to hold as true for myself?

I sit here, just pondering...

I am calm right now, is this the habitual way that I would silence myself, or is this the sure, calm, strong, human being that I am?

I choose differently right now, "I am a sure, calm, strong, Healthy, (wow, that was a slip of the finger to capitalize the H or was it?) active, love of life human being!!! And man, I am more than my body!!!!

My life is mine and not what I thought it was before...not my son's, my husband's, my brother's or sister's, my in-laws, my friends, and I got this really a long time ago, my bosses!!! MY LIFE IS MINE!!!!!!

Just for today, I am going to listen to what is wanting to move in my body - not even concerned of what is moving in my husband's, because I get it....I am silencing myself from what is moving in my own body...

Am I trusting for myself that it is okay to have "endings" and to choose differently right now, and no longer allowing to have the same choice, repeated over and over again, that was creating insanity for me?

I came across these words surfing around the different Wel-Sytems Web-sites and I don't know who said them, was signed ME!

"I am choosing to BE me.
I will DO the things that are me.
I will have me.
I am home."

Thanks ME because this is how I am choosing differently right now, from ME!

As I take in a deep breathe, I will DO the things that are ME!!!!

Why WAIT? why WEIGHT? First time, Doing this Differently!!!

Last night I went to bed and don't know if this was my last thought, before I fell asleep, or something that I was dreaming about during my sleep. During my recent university days I use to have a scribbler and every new word that I would 'meet' I would 'explore' - write the word down in the scribbler and then the meaning beside the word. It was an amazing way for me to expand my world and for my life to become bigger...
So, last night I went to bed with these two words, "wait" and "weight"----something that also resonates with me is WHY wait? Why weight? (hmm, I am looking at the Code Model TM right now -this is not a diagnostic tool yet a starting point for me and whoever wants to give themselves an opportunity to find out more about themselves, again a starting point for me, from a place of inquiry (created by Louise LeBrun from the Wel-systems Institute). So when I am asking a 'why' question I think about my beliefs/values/attitudes and who I have been taught to believe I am, and who I believe other people think I am, the Culturally Conditioned Self.
Okay, I am ready to play...
let me look up both 'wait' and 'weight' in "The Concise Oxford Dictionary":
wait - 1. defer action or departure for specified time or until some expected event occurs, be expected or on the watch (for, till; wait a minute, waited (for) and hour; shall not wait here any longer; kept me waiting or made me wait; wait till I come, have a month to wait yet; will do it for you while you wait; wait till i come, for high water or a fine day; waited to see what would happen...do not begin before the proper moment; for me!, do not go so fast that I am left behind; cannot, is impatient, you must wait your turn....p1207
Oh man my body is screaming already!!!LOL
Okay the next word that I want to look up, "weight"
1. force with which body tends to centre of attraction, esp. (of terrestrial things) degree of downward tendency in body produced as resultant of earth's gravitation and centrifugal force (the weight of a body varies with latitude and altitude but its mass does not) 2. relative mass or quantity of matter contained and giving rise to downward force, heaviness, ...p 1220

I know by even blogging this today it is giving me a voice - and because I am allowing this to be seen it is "transforming" for me...Over the past month my voice is getting much stronger, certain and more ME - who I really am in the world - the ME that is alive, vibrate, full of laughter! Funny how, and I can talk in the absolutes for this one, ALL of us know who we really are because in those moments we feel and think so ALIVE, and have WEL-BEING, our bodies are AWAKE! -check in with yourself next time when you are having fun at work!!! Yes, that can happen believe it or not, and why don't we allow that to happen?....Who I really know who I am, and who I have been "weighting/waiting" down most my life is something that is coming into my awareness right now...my weight, my heaviness in my body is not about bad nutrition (come on, all us overweight people, we know about good nutrition, we got that together when the big diet craze came in - probably in the late 70's - this might rot your socks off but next time ask an overweight person about good nutrition and I am certain you will walk away with amazing information that you have never even thought about...). Oh okay, there never is just one thing - many things can co-exist at the same time...
For me, I have taught myself to not want to move my body; yet when, I know, AND it is the polar opposite - I feel alive, well, so full of health, WHEN MY BODY IS MOVING...Yes, I don't want to move my body because I bought into the whole "healthy life" stuff, that only certain size people can participate...and I must look at the "wait" that has been with me for many, many years...I wait for my friend to come over, I wait until my son grows up and then I can do something for me, I wait until my husband comes home to snowplow the driveway (this happen the other day and I wondered to myself, the machine is not that "heavy" why don't I learn to operate it myself? My next breathe, I am moving away from the belief of gender - men are not the enemy - believe me, my husband would of been delighted if he didn't have to come home from his massage the other night to snowplow out the driveway (now that is an oxymoron! Laughing Out Loud!! LOL). I don't know if this really fits but everything is connected - my hair the other day looked like "YUCK" when I flat iron it - when i was finished I said to myself, next time I get my hair done I am going to get the hairstylist to teach me how to flat iron my hair - I am going to ask for me to do it - not her - and that it the only way I am going to learn (hmm, not 'wait' around for something to happen when I can't get out of my own way to ask...)
Well it is Sunday and I love this day with my husband...i know i stand in a different place by blogging today...thanks!!!! love and laughter, Marie

Am I Willing To Allow The Full Potential Of This "FIRE" to be UNLEASHED!!!

It is Friday, I can't believe the time 'is a flying'...The light has not come to day as yet and I am loving the quiet of the early, cold, purple hue dawn....So much is moving in me right now and I just want to SCREAM!!!
I know that I sound different, I know I am vibrating different than even before Christmas...i know that I matter to me, I matter to me to be alive, and I matter to me to do this in my 'style' of FUN!!!
Yes, I am opening up to the world and listening to the difference pulses of "tragedy" "abuse" "depression" "suicide" "accidental death" and the list goes on... and I can clear that I am exactly where I need to be - I am enough - and I don't have to do serious things, seriously.
Yesterday I was getting my business name registered and really having a difficult time...oh, how i am not computer "friendly" LOL - it has taken me the last few days to finally register my buisness name. AND Yes, I am so excited about the possibilities of my emerging future and I took sometime playing around with my potential business name and poof -it sooo...resonates with me, ... my business name is, "Trust your Self".
Over the course of the last few months, I have been, and we create our own reality, in situations, happenings etc that I had only ME to trust and that was IT. Yes, there is many amazing people coming into my life and they are willing and able and there too support, be a friend, etc. yet I am very clear that I look inward for my own truth. I have moved away from quite a few identifies that i was carrying over the course of the last six months that were causing me to be dis eased or living way out of my body - no, this is not weird, this is as simple as, I bring my attention down into the base of my spine, allow oxygen in, and my life is so much clearer when I am living in my body - then living up in my head, breathing shallowly, spinning like a spin-top, spinning all over the place and not having a sense of "certainly" "groundedness" "calm" in my chaos. Let me look up the word, "chaos"...."n. formless primordial matter; utter confusion" The Consice Oxford Dictionary also the word, "primordial" existing at or from the beginning, prieval;noriginal, fundamenal;" The Consice Oxford Dictionary...
This is getting clearer to why I am blogging...Am I willing to allow this choas in my body to be there and no that I am just fine? Or am I going to flatten it again with food? Drown it with food? I don't like this much agitation, prickly stuff to be moving in me and I do shut it down? Am I willing to breathe into this and not away from this? It has not gone away for the past week and am I willing to embace the full potential? Am I willing to unleash this huge fire that is in me to first combust, then to rage, then sit back away from the fire and enjoy the full intensity and exictement!!! I AM AFRAID OF MY OWN FIRE!!!!
Wow, this is clear...I am not alone anymore and I am HUGE!!! there is no coincidence for me to look back at the beginning of this blogg and I speak about dawn...talk soon, love and laughter!

Hmm...I thought I was Staying in the TOUGH Converstions....

I am having a lot rumbling around in my body these past couple of days, there is intensity... Yesterday I enjoyed the snowfall that ended up being more than they expected - went for a walk with my dog and met a man that smiled and said, "what a beautiful day" and my replied back to him was, "I am so happy that someone else is enjoying this..." we both laughed, and it felt so great to be alive with owning my own perspective of my reality - not listening to the outside world, especially when there is a "snowstorm" happening - wow, lots of fear, anxiety there if I allow myself to buy into it!!!
The other night I had a conversation with my son that lasted three hours. The first hour was all the black stuff that has presented its ugly head over these past couple of years - "I don't want to live anymore" - "there is nothing more for me to live for" - (this is the most .....I don't even have words for this as these are the hardest, brutally honest words that come out of my 20 year old son) and, I instinctively knowing something that has been rumbling down deep inside me, that I knew that not everything was totally right...I will give myself some time to give some content (and I know that there is no content in content). In Gareth's grade twelve my husband and I decided that our life wasn't working in Halifax - knowing that (and knowing for years) Ottawa would be a good choice. Chris got his resume together, had an old friend that was in Ottawa, he looked it over, and from there his friend asked if he could pass the resume on to his boss. Chris was phoned and two days later was flying to Ottawa, receiving a job in Ottawa a day later. Wow! Life changed in a neo-second - 31 years in the military and now he was working for the private sector. Gareth was accepted at the University of Calgary and things were okay with him - he had always wanted to go there since grade nine. For myself, life really wasn't working for me and yes, it meant I would be closer geographically to my family in Southern Ontario and knew that I had more potential here in Ottawa. Life was good so we thought....
Immediately I had a friend that was an interior decorator and she made amazing changes (inexpensive choices) - we worked with her, painted our house, staged as she suggested...and I had the most beautiful home (funny how that works, and maybe I need to pay attention to that thought of, making everyone else's living pleasurable, not my own???)
Chris was on the plane to start work in Ottawa, the first of March, somehow our family was starting to break up....Gareth was in school, doing all those damn hard science courses (he likes that and clear that you get more attention when the classes are smaller), I don't know, I don't want to be in a physics course especially in university if I can help it...I could see Gareth disconnecting over the time fame of the final four months that he was finishing his grade twelve. Actually at one point, (marks, homework, school was never a concern of ours with Gareth)I could see that he was dropping in his physic mark (I don't even know how the conversation came up - we never had to talk about his marks) yet he was starting to find it draining and he was struggling. I emailed his physic's teacher (I was also a substitute teacher at this high school) and just let him know of my concerns. His physic's teacher replied back and said, you don't have to worry about Gareth - he is one student that you don't have to worry about...hmm, do I read that different now...Gareth, the long and short of this story, ended up being on the Principal's list a lower status then being on the graduation program as a honor student. I was crushed for Gareth as he has never, not even one term, all though his elementary, junior high and high school days, had been anything else then an honor's student. Maybe that is more about me, then Gareth....
The other night during the conversation with Gareth, I finally got real with myself, I drew the line in the sand for me and said to him, "no more am I going into this black hole with you"...well, the conversation got meaningful...it gave Gareth space to let me know how he was feeling and why he was still bothered about it all. One word that came out of his mouth was, "I feel like I was betrayed". Wow!!!!! I would of never thought, and completely thought the opposite, that I am a caring, loving, compassionate mother. What came out of my mouth is I can see why you are feeling that way - we never talked about the move - wow! come on, I thought I did, but did I? My whole body is numb right now, and something that I will have conversations with myself and with Gareth and Chris...
I want to visit the word "betrayed".... 1. to give in the hands of an enemy by treachery 2. to be faithless to 3. to disclose, reveal as a secret 4 to disclose unintentionally The Winston Canadian Dictionary
For myself, how many times have I lied to myself or been lied to by people that love me...no it is usually not intentional but how many times do I not complete what I have as a thought, then allow myself to be persuaded/convinced of something, and do I really listen to the stuff, information that is moving around in my own body...how many times have I lied to myself.....i need to re visit that statement....how many times have I felt a huge excitement in my body and as time moves away from that... i begin to forget on how that made me feel or how alive I felt in that moment...
there is so much more for me to say, and right now there is so much for me to pay attention to what I have written down...
A reflection I have from the newspaper the other day... a "well respected trusted prominent figure" sexually molested 13 boys in the years of say 1960 to 1984 and... the accused mother replied after a "victim's parent" (because I believe you are victim at that age) approached her about the ordeal and her reply was, "is he up to that again"....
What is coming up for me is to allow space to be opened up, in order for me, and my loved ones to speak their truth of their own experience....i don't know where this blog really is going yet I know the other night I am glad I did stay in the tough conversation and it wasn't easy for me - and how much clarity I have today...these past two years have humbled me and I live in gratitude...i am happy to be alive!!!! I am going to blog off right now, and sit back and breathe....

I Am Not What I Have Been Taught to Believe I AM!

Okay I am just going to start writing, there is so much intensity in my body and yes, this is the invitation, that maybe I have been waiting for since I was eleven. I am not going to worry about grammar, sentence structure, oh, all those rules - what that hell is that all about?
Who am I! Yes, that is the big question I have been wondering all my life...yes, maybe for some, a thought way out there but no, it is something that is so in me that will just give me more life - and not, less, like the path I have been taking these last couple of years - that I know for sure....I am not what I have been taught to believe I am. I am not that "martyr" that helps everyone else to feel good about themselves and then there is nothing left for me...and be subducted into thinking, "oh good for you Marie that someone else feels better, you made their day"...I am no longer seduced into my own thinking that my husband makes great money and that he will support me! I know something is vibrating in me and there are no words to describe right now - I know that whatever this means it will unfold...i am very strong and willing to stand on my own - I don't need to be giving EVERYTHING of myself away, NOT EVEN TO MY HUSBAND!!!!
I am a high energy person and feel so ALIVE when I move my body. Yes, that means when I have that head band on, sweat pouring down my body, moving with the wind on my bike enjoying the changing landscape...yes Marie, you loved the three years you lived in England and you biked everywhere with Chris - day trips, holiday trips, bike rides - mind you, you were happiest when you travelled a distance, not just for a stroll...LOL
I am no longer going to buy into myself and believe that I have a DIS EASE in my body. That served me, and made sense then, and now that is no longer making sense to me. I don't have to be scared or live in fear, and just relax into and trust the internal truth of my moment to moment intuition (impulses)...
oh, as i sit here my body is much calmer and I am going to just sit back and pay attention to what is moving in my body - I am feeling a sharpe twitch (flash ) in my right side of my upper arm...
Lots of rules are coming up for me right now...I have to sit back and think right now...WOW, no longer am I going to not finish a thought that doesn't come up right away (man big rules there when you come from a family of 12)- I don't have to feel like an "airhead" to myself - most important!!!!!and make excuses to anyone that I can't complete my thought - i move in the world very differently then most and that is okay (funny how each of us moves in the world differently???)- i do belong, when it comes to light for me, it makes sense and usually it makes a difference for me to say out loud, and from there it gives someone else a platform to stand on to experience the truth of their own experience. I am very clear that I live in a holographic universe.
I am much bigger than I have been taught of 'who i am'. I am not this body - cause I can feel I am living way outside of this body. FUN!!! I am not feeling the habitual "gushy, romantic, motivational stuff" that I would be drawn to from my past yet very clear that each of us is more than what we have been taught who we are and we are MAGNIFICENT in our imperfections!!!!
I am going to write this sentence for myself, "I am a Quantum Biological Human"...Marie, let that rumble around inside you...breathe into the base of my spine...who knows what happens and I know it will be FUN!!!!

Was Jolted down...what am I weighing myself down from?

Well, I seem to be all over the place...my body is just so filled with agitation, of wanting to not relax and take some time out to even quiet the mind right now. (A little side note, I am enjoying and have made as part of my day, Sheila Winter-Wallace's new CD, "Quiet the Mind").
Something is huge happening in me, and I am wanting to resist it...something that has come into my awareness these past couple of days especially as i was on the Message Therapist table yesterday is this....what I so highly respect, honour, so deeply love in my son...is something that has been taken away from me, at around eleven in my childhood. I don't know what this means but I know that I have been always a heavy person, some years more than others. Hiding from something and creating a protective shield for me and yes, the paradox of everyone seeing my "large body". Last night at the gym the women was washing her floor and my purse was on the other side of the room - she picked it up for me, and was amazed on how heavy it was. I have always carried a "heavy" purse and even my university friends use to comment. What am I carry around that is weighing me down? How is this serving me to be heavy? What am I allowing my self to choose and not choose, and what am I dragging myself down from? What am I holding myself "down" from - because it is me, you know Marie... the word down because I feel like I am jolted back into those rules of "no a good girl doesn't do that" or "wow, she's a bitch" or "she's high maintenance" - what potential(s) have I continue to keep myself "down" from. Another question i have is I lose an amazing amount of weight and then for no reason, give up on myself and from there go in the opposite direction to gain even more weight. Yes, I know there is so much evidence out there that science can tell me why - yet, why, no better, this identity of a "fat person" has driven me for so many years...often I heard from people that Marie is just "large framed" and this was my invitation I took to be included in the group or excluded - and I got good at saying no, isolating myself...wow, if I listen to those words I just use - my weigh does just that for me - "to place alone and away from others" The Winston Canadian Dictionary
...yes, I bought into that and now, something inside me just wants to SCREAM!!!
The weight is holding me back from my life - from walking at gusto speed with my husband, from down hill skiing that seems to be so much fun here in Ottawa area right now, (i haven't even admitted that to myself to try skiing - even I have judgement of myself..) skating on the largest ice rink, Rideau Canal - my husband and son enjoy skating on it, and I of course, stay home...from swimming because I love to swim and just be in the moment - yet heavens forbid, if I have to go to an indoor pool right now and someone sees me. NEVER! Doing water aerobics that a friend ask me to do this past year. From going on really exciting hiking day trips - from moving my body, it really wants to be moving cause I feel so alive when I am moving (oh Amy, I have to laugh, the music you put on this morning "just dance - put on your shoes and dance..."LOL)
So what am I holding myself down from...guess what Marie...it is only up to you - I don't know what this blogging is all about today, and know that maybe tonight, in a weeks time, or even a month I will have more clarity.
The music that is pumping out of the radio upstairs right now is calling to me - yes, I have to admit, I am a "disco queen" oh, man, that makes me want to laugh out loud - see ya, I'm going to enjoy the music...

Abundance!!! Breathe into it.....

Today is Monday and if you asked me, I would believe it is only this time last week. Time is collapsing into itself for me right now. Lots is happening and I know that I am manifesting - yes, we are going to take the next ten days to "feel" -allow ourselves to be "whatever" this is not good or bad anymore - to see if this property we are going to purchase resonates with me and my husband. I'm already know that I am there. I don't know what the hell it means to wait out the 10 days yet it is serving some purpose - who knows? LOL Yesterday, we went into the model home again and spent some time with the women that is looking after selling these new townhouses - gave her a deposit (which we can get back in 10 days hmm, maybe this is about abundance coming into my life?). Met a potential new neighbour and she is fun - interior decorator - go figure - hmm, might have great chats with her. LOL The actual lot that we are interested in, someone else yesterday has shown some interest - because we have put our deposit down that we have first say if we want the lot or not - I can hardly even contain myself to think, I walk across the street and we can walk down the Ottawa River, bike (good ride) to the Parliament Buildings, and then we are close to Petrie Island (they talk a lot about act ivies happening there) and right now, they have fishing huts on the river - no, tell me Marie, have I manifested this or not. LOL This is so, Maritime, near water, the paths, the outdoors, the peacefulness, ohhhhh!!!!! funny how right now what is coming up in me is that I don't have to forget the meaningful stuff from my other moves - it is all here, I can create what I loved about the Maritimes and have it right here, right here in Ottawa, right now!!! Oh rushes are moving thru my body right now - it is SO RIGHT!!!!! and something else that is cool for me is that i don't have to believe that it is something that I will live in forever; and I may, who knows, and if I don't find it meaningful to me in two years then I can change!!!! Yahoo! Oh, this is something too cool for me as well, we don't move into the home until next Feb. - even thou we will gain the market value increase over this next year- home prices go up in Ottawa a certain percentage each year - we will purchase at this price now, only to put down I believe very little over this next few months, next year on our closing put down the remaining amount. For me, it gets better - this extra time gives up time to purchase a newer car right now - not the car that yes, I will take the vanilla ice-cream but yes, I will have the choc decant flavor please - the car I have wanted all my life and always held back because of logic, not enough money, whatever.....this really is all about abundance - not the material world stuff but what is lighting me up and allowing me to SHOUT with joy that I am so excited to live!!!!

Connectiveness!!!

A sense of "being" is washing over me and I am elated to say that I don't have the belief that I am alone anymore. I don't know how to explain it scientifically, and know it is more about the quantum science then Newtonian science - may if I will, we had or still have a worldview of space as being empty - void - you know, nothing is bad or good, right or wrong, and to tell you my truth, this notion doesn't work for me anymore because it only gave me a sense of isolation, loneliness, aloneness, disconnect from every other human being....and I want to learn more about this "connectiveness" I am experiencing, that speaks about the "not seen" and the incredible sense of knowing I am so connected to people from the Maritimes, Southern Ontario, England, places i lived before, people that have come into my life over this past year, (I am sure that as I expand so too does my "field"??? Marie, just play with this idea who knows where it will go...) what is it, that I am thinking about a certain person and that day or even the next day, the person contacts me from away? I am even wondering about the theory of "coincidence" - hmm, in mathematics it is all about two angles coming together - before that meaning satisfied my awareness - and now, what is that all about? Fun to think that it was a coincidence, and of course we know it never is, and that something coming together to occupy the same space at the same time - how does that work? I believe we are more connected then by chance - we are never alone... We are more connected, in a very different way, then we have been taught to believe. I know for me, the case was that I have been so externally reference that i looked outside myself for my answers. I really looked towards "authority" for my answers. You know, they have all the answers, and that is why they are experiencing "cancer", "suicide" "depression" all on the increase- man, way too much responsibility for me to be responsible for all!!!
Okay Marie, this blogging is all about "me"!!! What does this mean for me, right now.... how externally referenced I was and yes, I don't know what but I will admit this - something in me, there is something still there, (something I pay attention to now) and how that is so "------" i don't even have the words to describe how deep externally referenced permeated in me...and how I turned so inward on myself to not allow any fire breathe to move in my body - that is the breathe that is transforming - changes your life instantly! And no, it is not about, once the breathe is moving it gives me permission to tell anyone and everyone I wanted to ever"let them have it" have it - it is all about, stand out of your own way, breathe deep into the base of your spine, with your mouth closed, follow the impluse, then once the body stablizes, let yourself know the truth of YOUR OWN experience... Today, I have had an amazing day so far, four people contacted me to set up things with me, great conversation with a Wel-systems friend, and I am so excited that my husband and I have joined a ballroom dance class with another couple that want to have as much fun as I do in my life! Yahoo!!!! LOL (PS it is surprizing me how effortless it is as I am choosing to move through my life differently going into my emergying future...I am not alone.)

What Lights Me Up!!!!

I am surprising myself right now... yesterday was an experience I haven't had for many years!!!

My son left on the bus in the morning for him to carry on with his new adventures (man, things are still moving for me there - what was different this time, was when we said our farewells I was able to express what was going on inside of me - instead of holding back, locking down, feeling like there was no reason to go on, as I had, particularly in this past year, I was able to let him know that even though I am appreciating/aware of the importance of him moving on with his life, for me "I" am missing him - pure and simple - I miss him!
Life is so much "healthier" now because he was able to express what was moving inside of him - before he also would hold back, lock down and maybe because there never was a platform for him to stand on - this time it also gave him the opportunity to tell his dad that he is going to "miss you guys" - he has never expressed that before - funny how deep the assumptions go that we carry, before I was spending all my energy not to "show my feelings" because "he'll know that I'm upset" Blarney!!!!! Oh, I am so thankful that I move through my world differently now. And from there life went on - pure and simple - no yucky feelings all day long, no old patterns of "poor me", no manipulation, blaa blaa blaa. AND Yes, I do miss Gareth and I will be fine!
Chris drove Gareth to the bus depot and it gave me time to stay present to myself of what was moving inside me at home - I now know, that isn't Gareth's stuff, Chris's stuff, (what is moving inside them is their "stuff") and yes "my stuff" is for me to metabolize for me, and I don't have to be "dramatic" about everything anymore- what I have learned lately is that I am very comfortable and do like "intensity" in my life - I do like the rhythm of my life to be "loud and calm" "lots of surprises" "lots of wonderment""lots of potential and possibilities" that is what lights me up!!!....what is moving into my awareness is an analogy of an onion - the more I peel back the more I get closer to "who I am" authentically - the possible, emerging Self....
Then we walked with our dog, Rugby, and from there decided to go check out cars...I don't know how to describe this other than - I listened to "Self" - it was just like being at the "Circus Fair" when I was a child - my body said here, no there, oh, that looks fun, hmm not that ride, let's run to that one way over there.....we looked for cars and the dealerships were gated off so we decided to go to different geographical areas to see homes - the long and short of it all is that we had fun looking at different areas and then we were driving down along the Ottawa River and 'bingo'!!! - I said to Chris - turn into that new development...well, it just felt like my body had already been there - we went into the model home and for the first time in my life I could of bought on the spot and there was nothing available to buy until next January - oh, no...!!!! We all know that usually it is the other way round LOL!!!! I don't know what this means and I know that this is lighting me up -(my husband as well )- my life is getting more meaningful and I can't wait for the next moment to arrive!!! Love and laughter!!!!

Trust me it use to look "ugly" LOL

Yesterday after my blogging, throughout my day, I had a lot of movement - I was "angry" and wanted to just be "unreasonable". In the afternoon, I had a one-on-one "Wel-systems context" session with a women of my age, and because I believe we live in a holographic universe, things came up for me that I payed attention to. Only less than a year ago, do I have a way now, that no one had ever introduced me to that gives me results, and my life is getting fun and vibrant once again. Before, with no resolution, and year after year, "it" was gaining fierce momentum, getting horribly self-destructive for my health and well-being. Trust me it use to look "ugly" especially once a month LOL!!! Now that I know this is old "stuff" from my past that wants to be metabolized - getting out of my own way and allowing my body to process (metabolize), before my intellect would console me and now, I know I am just fine in that moment, allowing first my body to metabolize the information, then in a minute or week or month gain clarity. It never works in the other order, "trying" to engage our intellect and then from there, I don't know about you, but somehow the situations would explode and everyone in my 60 mile radius would be "pissed off" at me!!!
I'm going back to yesterday's blog only because it is something that resonates with me (hmm, am I asking permission????) I stand in the now, and look into my emerging future...something that just crossed my mind is that I am already "being" and action is happening to my "unknown" future? No longer do I have to stop when someone chooses not to participate/engage with me, I go on to the next player....this doesn't sound cold, callous or deceitful to me anymore, it is a burden lifted off of my shoulders because it is all about not silencing myself because someone else wants to be comfortable silencing themselves. Something that is also coming up for me is I no longer live in the "absolutes" - it is not up to me to be your "advocate" because you don't want to "make waves" or "be out of the loop". The chips will fall and I will be just fine - somehow my life doesn't get punning at this point it expands...

New year's resolutions seem to be the topic of discussion right now - everywhere i look - on talk shows, tv commercials, newspapers, at the gym...because it is explicit to my awareness what does this mean for me?
Noooooo! I am no longer interested in doing the "deprivation" thing until Easter anymore...too hard when the body is screaming for more carbs because of the cold winter..LOL Yes, I am only laughing at myself right now because I see the patterns that I carried out that worked for a short time, and sometimes a long time in my past and how I seem to bounce, no better word(warp) back to my old "destructive" ways of "sabotaging" myself. NO MORE!!! Well, those words have fallen away from my being and what i use to feel in my body hasn't even cross my awareness for quite a few months....they aren't serving me anyone...Yet, right now that word "destructive" resonates somehow...why is it that I get so far, always do so well in what I am doing, and then just at the near end I give up on myself...what the "hell" is that all about???
Let me try to think of the polar opposite of "destructive" - hmm, the word "affluent" pops immediately into my awareness. I am going to look that word up in the dictionary - The Winston Canadian Dictionary definition of affluent is, "having abundance; wealthy". Hmm, now this is making sense to me...right now, my husband and I are actively looking for a home and a newer car. Even though I am off looking for abundance am I really "thinking" my polar opposite "deprivation"...
I was reading one of Louise Lebrun's books the other night, When The Horse Dies Get Off...and Stop Dragging It Around! Reading her chapter on Relationships brought so much meaning to me and right now some more clarity.. The long and short of what resonated with me is that someone believed that someone else was taking up a lot of space - how many times in my own life has someone voiced that to me, and of course I would find that familiar strategy to only silent and withdraw, thinking that there was only so much to go around. And come on, I do come from a family of twelve siblings and too boot, a girl that was the fifth child!!! No wonder I would stall at the very end of doing something - who the hell cared when you have other children to "deal with" that are having more challenges, difficulties...and, I would often hear, "Marie is doing just fine" and no one knew, often, because they believed I was okay, I was left on my own to sort thru something that would create so much fear in me. Wow, let that rumble around in me for awhile...no wonder i often escape to my own world...
"abundance" listening to Dr. Wayne Dyer's tapes a few years ago, I always remember what he had to say about abundance - there is infinite amount of abundance - it is your choice if you go with a teaspoon or a dump truck. Do I still have the belief that if I take up less space than the other person can have more? And am i willing to silence myself? Am I willing to take my place at the table? And, am I willing to silence myself so that someone else be comfortable silencing themselves? Oh wow...I want to silence myself right now, nothing else is coming up, and I know that this is huge for me...Marie, the pathway home is only through the body not the intelligent...i love you!!!!

Reflection of 2007 pre Wel-systems

The house is quiet right now, it is January 3rd, 2008, my husband is back at work, my son is fast asleep, he is visiting with us, dog is having surgery today and somehow even as recent as a year ago, (I would carry this belief pre Wel-systems experiences) I "Should" be hitting the ground "hard" and "furiously" and "push that river" to go forward with my life, you know, a new year and all.. "doing" rather than "being"...
Over this past year, I have been introduced to a very different way that has allowed me to re-claim my life back and redefine who I am as a human being. I see the invitation for me to engage with intensity and how much it means to me to allow myself to "be"... as I exude with lots of love and laughter...
Somehow, I know that this is the signal I am in the world. I am no longer all over the place with silencing who I am, or who I was taught to believe - and funny enough, and maybe one of the most profound for me, of who I thought everyone else expected me to be. Wow, that does just resonate to the core of who I am -yet I don't feel any "sadness" nor "flatline" - I no that the residual energy has been metabolized and yes, there is always more - I now move very differently in my world and very awake when I choose to fall back into default, or when I choice to let my life expand and get bigger.
Over this holiday time, it has been enlightening to me, because I, for the first time in my life, had no expectations of this timeframe- and allowed situations, events, conversations to unfold - it really was fun and meaningful to me. Because I stood tall in who I am, and who I choose to be, it allowed my husband to stand tall in who he is, and my son to stand tall in who he is. We had fun and we weren't firing off and blaming each other (silently as we did in the past). The energy was calm and playful - and inviting - what is amazing to me, is that we had people over, two different times and it was fun -not out of obligation, because i wanted to connect with these people and just "be". Something that is coming up in me right now is that when "I" relax into myself, it gives permission for the men in my life to "relax" into who they are...Life is fun!!!