Was Jolted down...what am I weighing myself down from?

Well, I seem to be all over the place...my body is just so filled with agitation, of wanting to not relax and take some time out to even quiet the mind right now. (A little side note, I am enjoying and have made as part of my day, Sheila Winter-Wallace's new CD, "Quiet the Mind").
Something is huge happening in me, and I am wanting to resist it...something that has come into my awareness these past couple of days especially as i was on the Message Therapist table yesterday is this....what I so highly respect, honour, so deeply love in my son...is something that has been taken away from me, at around eleven in my childhood. I don't know what this means but I know that I have been always a heavy person, some years more than others. Hiding from something and creating a protective shield for me and yes, the paradox of everyone seeing my "large body". Last night at the gym the women was washing her floor and my purse was on the other side of the room - she picked it up for me, and was amazed on how heavy it was. I have always carried a "heavy" purse and even my university friends use to comment. What am I carry around that is weighing me down? How is this serving me to be heavy? What am I allowing my self to choose and not choose, and what am I dragging myself down from? What am I holding myself "down" from - because it is me, you know Marie... the word down because I feel like I am jolted back into those rules of "no a good girl doesn't do that" or "wow, she's a bitch" or "she's high maintenance" - what potential(s) have I continue to keep myself "down" from. Another question i have is I lose an amazing amount of weight and then for no reason, give up on myself and from there go in the opposite direction to gain even more weight. Yes, I know there is so much evidence out there that science can tell me why - yet, why, no better, this identity of a "fat person" has driven me for so many years...often I heard from people that Marie is just "large framed" and this was my invitation I took to be included in the group or excluded - and I got good at saying no, isolating myself...wow, if I listen to those words I just use - my weigh does just that for me - "to place alone and away from others" The Winston Canadian Dictionary
...yes, I bought into that and now, something inside me just wants to SCREAM!!!
The weight is holding me back from my life - from walking at gusto speed with my husband, from down hill skiing that seems to be so much fun here in Ottawa area right now, (i haven't even admitted that to myself to try skiing - even I have judgement of myself..) skating on the largest ice rink, Rideau Canal - my husband and son enjoy skating on it, and I of course, stay home...from swimming because I love to swim and just be in the moment - yet heavens forbid, if I have to go to an indoor pool right now and someone sees me. NEVER! Doing water aerobics that a friend ask me to do this past year. From going on really exciting hiking day trips - from moving my body, it really wants to be moving cause I feel so alive when I am moving (oh Amy, I have to laugh, the music you put on this morning "just dance - put on your shoes and dance..."LOL)
So what am I holding myself down from...guess what Marie...it is only up to you - I don't know what this blogging is all about today, and know that maybe tonight, in a weeks time, or even a month I will have more clarity.
The music that is pumping out of the radio upstairs right now is calling to me - yes, I have to admit, I am a "disco queen" oh, man, that makes me want to laugh out loud - see ya, I'm going to enjoy the music...