Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Authoritative Figure?
Authoritative Figure?
Well, here I am ready to explode and don't know what I am pressing up against. Life has been unfolding exactly how I have intented it to - hmm...it is good, Marie is it great, hmm....i am going to keep writing to see where this goes...i am a bit pissed off - hmm no, i should say down right angry that the doctor has told me to go on cholesterol pills (I don't even know how to spell that damn word!). How many times in my life have I been told what to do, and I do it and it is not who I really am or what I need. The doctor (authoritative figure) was very logical with his reasoning yet he said my range for cholestral is good - somehow my mind has learned to go into chaos and i seem to zoom right out of my body and look outside myself. Where I did try to stay present is that I asked him if I do go on these pills when do I come off them? - well, you know the answer....BULLSHIT i say - i am not going on the pills... these last couple of months somehow made sense to me to be able to be in converstion with a doctor to first go off insulin and now my focus is to go off the pills - my body has injested insulin for the past two years so I believe that i should allow my body to wean off the medication...hmmthe next question that i want to ask myself is how has diabetes serve me? It is going to be a question that is now more out in my consious awareness..it has allowed me to not do the things I don't want to do such as teach in the schools - i wonder, if it was pressing so up against me that I always wanted to come back to Ontario and finally I had no other choice then to tell myself the truth. I so love being near my family...oh boy, it is the waves that will bring me closer to my own truth. i must say i love the maritimes and in time, that too is home but somehow right now i am starting to be aware of earth energy - slow, stable, solid...here in Ottawa. I am mindful right now on how interesting it is on how I want to go...I am going to go for a walk right now as I love Ottawa and all it's green areas - talk soon,love and laughter,MariePS (the name that I loved growning up was one that I got to choose for myself during confirmation - it is "Louise") Funny how at that time there was no saint "Louise" as we were told to pick a name of a Saint - is there any coincidence to my thinking? LOL
Magnificient Marie
Hi!I am so proud of myself to create a blog....funny how just a few months ago I would of never even considered to allow myself to do this..hmm is that cultural conditioned stuff?Well, I am now up and running and quite excited...last night my husband and I spent time in the emergency. Wow, how my world view has changed and what I pay attention to now is so different then before...maybe before, I wasn't even awake and went through a 'coma' state and not even aware of what was happening on my holodeck.....hmm....I don't believe I have much to say today other than this is meaningful for me to start blogging...Love and laughter, Marie
Do Shape or Am I Shaped By The World?
Friday, January 11, 2008
Changing my mind... changing my mind to not blog for a couple of days, changing my mind to do one thing and not the other and to my surprise, end up doing something totally different, changing my mind to not attend one "major" event in my life that I don't want to attend right now, then changing my decision to say"yes" I will attend after getting more clarity for myself, and who knows, in the end I may not want to go period or go, and enjoy the event? Changing my mind, that it is just fine that I talk about this subject even thou it has been talked about in two other blogs this week. (I use to have a huge belief that I couldn't talk about the same subject as someone else - that is "copy catting" LOL) Just allowing myself to change my mind and having no self doubts or beat-me-up conversations with myself, or no excuses that I feel very obliged to tell others, and more important, my "self" about doing so...man, I know it is more meaningful for me to be true and present to myself now then to be always giving myself away and end up running on empty - what fun was that?.....next thought that rolls out....do I really want to shape the world or be shaped by the world???? I am not here to save the world it is something very different.....am I willing to be internal referenced or am I willing to carry out the old patterns of my past and be external reference - running around like a "chicken" with my head cut off - oh, how many times have I heard that being said over my lifetime - and never really finding my "OWN" answers, that had any meaning for "ME"? Yes, I was satisfied for a while then oh man, having this longing that something was missing - no way, push that one down, what the hell should you be "unhappy" about and don't let anyone know that you are unhappy because they may think your nuts? Come on, you have a great life, husband, child blaa blaa - it is funny to me where I am standing right now, because "forever" did I blame my husband for all my woes. I am not here to say that all of us should stay with our husband/partner to death do us part, because there are many reasons that relationships need to part - for myself, I knew that it was way easier to blame him then for me, "perfect me" you know, "no flies on me" LOL, never did I look at myself to figure out even at a surface level that it could have something to do with me....oh boy, that really is a huge one for me and even now only coming into my awareness....yes, my husband does have his stuff, but what is important for me to pay attention to is "my stuff" LOL My life has become less complicated, and during one of the programs that I have taken in this past year, "Manifesting a Meaningful Life -Living Authentically" through the Wel-Systems Portal Passages Certification Intensives, I came to a realization that I no longer have to stay inside this tiny little small puny box that I had created for myself - it was "freeing" to me to even think about the possibilities - even as simple as making the box bigger...wow, another possibility was to not consider someone else's potential that I always honoured before my own - what about MY possibilities. Which way did I want to go to even entertain an idea? Something that has come up since is a vision... and who knows where it goes...I see myself in a lovely renovated farm house in the Niagara region among the vineyards, sitting on the top of the escapement overlooking the towns with a wonderful view of Lake Ontario. This farmhouse will be a place where family gather and also, I will enjoy doing programs and one-on-one meaningful conversations that people will find important to them, and their world will expand - this endeavour will not be pushing the river for me, it will be effortless, inspiring, have ebb and flow, no longer hard, and I will be so busy that I will be in a "good tired" state - hmmm, I know now, that if you put it out, beyond speaking it to myself, that this is how transformation happens. Who knows where this goes, and it is fun to be awake creating a life that is filling me up!!!
Changing my mind... changing my mind to not blog for a couple of days, changing my mind to do one thing and not the other and to my surprise, end up doing something totally different, changing my mind to not attend one "major" event in my life that I don't want to attend right now, then changing my decision to say"yes" I will attend after getting more clarity for myself, and who knows, in the end I may not want to go period or go, and enjoy the event? Changing my mind, that it is just fine that I talk about this subject even thou it has been talked about in two other blogs this week. (I use to have a huge belief that I couldn't talk about the same subject as someone else - that is "copy catting" LOL) Just allowing myself to change my mind and having no self doubts or beat-me-up conversations with myself, or no excuses that I feel very obliged to tell others, and more important, my "self" about doing so...man, I know it is more meaningful for me to be true and present to myself now then to be always giving myself away and end up running on empty - what fun was that?.....next thought that rolls out....do I really want to shape the world or be shaped by the world???? I am not here to save the world it is something very different.....am I willing to be internal referenced or am I willing to carry out the old patterns of my past and be external reference - running around like a "chicken" with my head cut off - oh, how many times have I heard that being said over my lifetime - and never really finding my "OWN" answers, that had any meaning for "ME"? Yes, I was satisfied for a while then oh man, having this longing that something was missing - no way, push that one down, what the hell should you be "unhappy" about and don't let anyone know that you are unhappy because they may think your nuts? Come on, you have a great life, husband, child blaa blaa - it is funny to me where I am standing right now, because "forever" did I blame my husband for all my woes. I am not here to say that all of us should stay with our husband/partner to death do us part, because there are many reasons that relationships need to part - for myself, I knew that it was way easier to blame him then for me, "perfect me" you know, "no flies on me" LOL, never did I look at myself to figure out even at a surface level that it could have something to do with me....oh boy, that really is a huge one for me and even now only coming into my awareness....yes, my husband does have his stuff, but what is important for me to pay attention to is "my stuff" LOL My life has become less complicated, and during one of the programs that I have taken in this past year, "Manifesting a Meaningful Life -Living Authentically" through the Wel-Systems Portal Passages Certification Intensives, I came to a realization that I no longer have to stay inside this tiny little small puny box that I had created for myself - it was "freeing" to me to even think about the possibilities - even as simple as making the box bigger...wow, another possibility was to not consider someone else's potential that I always honoured before my own - what about MY possibilities. Which way did I want to go to even entertain an idea? Something that has come up since is a vision... and who knows where it goes...I see myself in a lovely renovated farm house in the Niagara region among the vineyards, sitting on the top of the escapement overlooking the towns with a wonderful view of Lake Ontario. This farmhouse will be a place where family gather and also, I will enjoy doing programs and one-on-one meaningful conversations that people will find important to them, and their world will expand - this endeavour will not be pushing the river for me, it will be effortless, inspiring, have ebb and flow, no longer hard, and I will be so busy that I will be in a "good tired" state - hmmm, I know now, that if you put it out, beyond speaking it to myself, that this is how transformation happens. Who knows where this goes, and it is fun to be awake creating a life that is filling me up!!!
Not incremental change - I have taken a HUGE LEAP!
It is interesting to me that no longer do I have this unquenchable thirst... yes, it has lasted for several months in fact, since EF:EW at Oceanstone, near Peggy's Cove, at the end of February - now, it is almost two months later, the end of April....and I am pleased for myself that I stayed with the chaos in my body and the unknown these past few months, all being certain, grounded and staying right in my body - knowing that I am perfectly okay - funny how to look back, it was huge information that was metabolizing...unlike when I had this unquenchable thirst two years ago; the medical world diagnose me as type 2"diabetic" and because my blood sugar levels didn't come down to their normal range (4 to 7) after six months, convinced me of taking insulin. I believed that insulin was the last answer and what comes next after insulin...It was a nurse in the diabetic clinic that convinced me right on the spot to take insulin. She felt since my dad had kidney failure and was on dialysis for many years that I needed to not play around and start insulin right there. Is this good, bad, right or wrong. NO!Man, the first time, which was that night, when I was taking the insulin pen - I had this deadening shiver go through my body when I ejected the needle in my stomach - for a stop gap second, wondered if I shot myself...at that point in my life, that was a huge metaphor of how I was living my life...What is coming up for me is how I looked outside myself for my own answers that are inside. How I was unable to allow myself to ask the bigger questions and to be okay in all my chaos. How I have never been taught that the amazing burning energy I feel though out my body is transforming for me, propelling me into my emerging future. How I would quickly shut down any fire moving in me. How it was not good for me to speak my truth because i would be ignored or worse, be shunned by ones that I was choosing to love or be loved by. Man, it was way easier to move completely away from everyone - and then, how fun was it when I isolated myself, even from my immediate family, my husband and son...not that anyone knew, or did they? Even as I finishing writing down that last question, how I would manipulate and worse, manipulate myself...I am very grateful for the people that have come into my life this past year. I am celebrating my 1st year anniversary of taking my first Wel-Systems course last May. Has it been easy? No, it hasn't always been easy...I stand here right now, and just marvel at how much different I am from a year ago. It is hard to believe this for myself, and I want to say that I am hugely more magnificent in my imperfections than I have ever been in my life. I always heard this, and thought it was kind of corny but I must say out loud, "that I love myself". This is the first time in my life that I can say that I love being ME. I love me with all my warts, laughter, sorrow, confusion, willing to find clarity for myself. My life has changed, no, not incremental change, yet quantum change. Quantum Leap!!! Hard to believe this can happen so quickly and it did. This can happen for each of us. All it took is to step out of my own way then show up for MY OWN LIFE!!!
Friday, April 18, 2008
When DO WE SAY ENOUGH IS ENOUGH?!!
When do we say enough is enough?
I just got off the phone with my son who is leaving in a dorm and writing his final exams this week. He had a lot of "fire breathe" moving in him; and thank my lucky stars I know what I know now - over this past year of taking many of the courses through the Wel-Systems Institute I no longer am fearing what he had to say, nor shy away from what he wants to say, moving right into those tough conversations, yet very clear, it was an amazing invitation for me -yes, for him to discover more about him, and more importantly for me, bringing it back to me, TO FIND OUT MORE ABOUT ME!
Even though I make it very clear that I no longer want that, it continues to creep into my life - how is that?
How when I speak my truth and say NO MORE that it continues!!!
How do I change my life when my physical environment cannot be changed? Something that is coming up about my son, is how does he not be part of something, when he clearly doesn't want to be part of it, yet still is - hitting him hard in the face?
I cannot always change my physical environment yet looking up logical levels can change my thinking...and how quickly everything "dissolves"
And amazing conversation I had was, which would I rather be? " my culturally conditioned self - the self; I feel everyone wants me to be, or I have taught myself through the culturally conditioned process throughout the many systems that we all go through, family systems, school systems, work systems etc. to be or WOW, "who is the unleashed me" "the possible ME"?
So, growing up I had a lot of rules about respecting others, love they neighbour, make sure everyone else is okay....
WELL "BULL SHIT" to that...
it is very clear to me that i did all of that, it spite of MYSELF. Not listening to my wants and desires yet always concerned about others. This is not right or wrong, good or bad, and I know lately it left me with a very punning life that was getting unbearable to live.
I am approaching my 25th wedding anniversary and my 1st anniversary since I have been taking courses through the WEL-Systems Institute. I move through my life very differently now, over this past year, listening to what is moving inside of me. Both of these anniversaries have profound meaning for me, and I am announcing this to the world - I AM HAPPY TO BE ME!!!!!!
And I am no longer LEASHED down!!!
This time I am going to celebrate over some weeks - when I feel the pull in me I am going to celebrate - for myself and yes, maybe even by myself! No longer am I going to just lock down, and the time passes me by...This will be very new for me to do....to claim!!!
I haven't been always good at celebrating things and there is some truth for me - my birthday is two days after Christmas and I am from a family of 12 - who wants to celebrate anything two days after Christmas, most people are snoring on the couch on the 27th of December.
I guess what is coming up for me is that I will re-visit the "Evolution By Intention" on the WEL-Systems web site. One intention that is meaningful to me right now, is that it is none of my business what anyone else thinks of me...
As always, this has been useful for me to blog today - checking in - I believe my breathing has been higher in my body and not allowing myself to breathe deep into the base of my spine. Hmm, I will pay attention to that...
I just got off the phone with my son who is leaving in a dorm and writing his final exams this week. He had a lot of "fire breathe" moving in him; and thank my lucky stars I know what I know now - over this past year of taking many of the courses through the Wel-Systems Institute I no longer am fearing what he had to say, nor shy away from what he wants to say, moving right into those tough conversations, yet very clear, it was an amazing invitation for me -yes, for him to discover more about him, and more importantly for me, bringing it back to me, TO FIND OUT MORE ABOUT ME!
Even though I make it very clear that I no longer want that, it continues to creep into my life - how is that?
How when I speak my truth and say NO MORE that it continues!!!
How do I change my life when my physical environment cannot be changed? Something that is coming up about my son, is how does he not be part of something, when he clearly doesn't want to be part of it, yet still is - hitting him hard in the face?
I cannot always change my physical environment yet looking up logical levels can change my thinking...and how quickly everything "dissolves"
And amazing conversation I had was, which would I rather be? " my culturally conditioned self - the self; I feel everyone wants me to be, or I have taught myself through the culturally conditioned process throughout the many systems that we all go through, family systems, school systems, work systems etc. to be or WOW, "who is the unleashed me" "the possible ME"?
So, growing up I had a lot of rules about respecting others, love they neighbour, make sure everyone else is okay....
WELL "BULL SHIT" to that...
it is very clear to me that i did all of that, it spite of MYSELF. Not listening to my wants and desires yet always concerned about others. This is not right or wrong, good or bad, and I know lately it left me with a very punning life that was getting unbearable to live.
I am approaching my 25th wedding anniversary and my 1st anniversary since I have been taking courses through the WEL-Systems Institute. I move through my life very differently now, over this past year, listening to what is moving inside of me. Both of these anniversaries have profound meaning for me, and I am announcing this to the world - I AM HAPPY TO BE ME!!!!!!
And I am no longer LEASHED down!!!
This time I am going to celebrate over some weeks - when I feel the pull in me I am going to celebrate - for myself and yes, maybe even by myself! No longer am I going to just lock down, and the time passes me by...This will be very new for me to do....to claim!!!
I haven't been always good at celebrating things and there is some truth for me - my birthday is two days after Christmas and I am from a family of 12 - who wants to celebrate anything two days after Christmas, most people are snoring on the couch on the 27th of December.
I guess what is coming up for me is that I will re-visit the "Evolution By Intention" on the WEL-Systems web site. One intention that is meaningful to me right now, is that it is none of my business what anyone else thinks of me...
As always, this has been useful for me to blog today - checking in - I believe my breathing has been higher in my body and not allowing myself to breathe deep into the base of my spine. Hmm, I will pay attention to that...
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
HOW DARE ME TO HAVE WANTS AND DESIRES!!!
Something has happen in my life that is absolutely life altering for me....and my response in my body is to not share? What is this all about? Why do I want to not claim this immensely huge "fire breathe" energy for myself - and who do I become as it ignites and glows to it's full potential!!!
Yesterday, I decided to spring clean and in that process, take all my diabetic needles, return the used needles container, insulin that I haven't used since last September, and my used insulin pen to the pharmacy to depose of. I guess I thought it was no big deal and the pharmacist took all my supplies and didn't say a word to me. In the past, I could of been externally rewarded with the notion that it was not a big deal and be okay in my intelligent while the intelligent of my body would be screaming (that I would hold down).
From there I was heading to the gym to do my workout. Well, my body was just vibrating when I was working out - i found it funny, and thought to myself, what is going on?
I wondered if I was tired and just was not up to working out. I engaged in conversation with a women also working out that has "MS" and we talked about, "me, being no longer diabetic" and how because she is in a wheel chair, there are not many people that will talk to her. I am so up for those meaningful conversations...
I then talked to the owner of the Gym and told her about what I had just done at the pharmacy.
Her hold face just lite up and she shcrieked with joy, "Good for you!!!" I said to her that it was peculiar that I didn't feel like working out, and she replied, "no wonder!!!".
At that moment, I realized the immensely meaningful, taking my life back, freedom that I now experience, my journey that I have been on over this past year, actually since this month a year ago - Wow, i must say, HOW QUICKLY MY LIFE HAS CHANGED... Thanks to the programs I took through the WEL-Systems Institute. How different my life really is, and how whole I am with all that has happen to me in my life up to this point. WOW! I marvel at the magnificent of my OWN journey, and it has all brought me to this place I am standing in right now. My life is not happening to someone else or "out there" it is happening to me "in here".
I had a recent conversation with a person I value their opinion (guess what, we all have a belly button, LOL) and I talked about, how I am in "HUGELY" better health now, then even before I got diabetes. How can that be? I believe my health is better then even when I was in my twenties...
Funny how quickly I can dismiss this hugely important "Naming It" "Claiming It" process - that I'm not even paying attention to, yet yesterday MY BODY WAS VIBRATING WITH HUGE EMANCIPATION!!!
Go figure, I thought I was done with "Diabetes" last fall....yesterday, when my husband came home I told him what I did and he was also elated. Something I am truly missing and at the same time, really getting - he said that it was my final end to even the thought of "diabetes" by returning all the supplies and by getting all the supplies out of the house. He wondered if by having them still in the house if I was truly holding onto to something. Believe me, I didn't think about it that way, and yes, it was true in my body...
Right now, I feel a "sadness" go over me...it is not about what I have come to, but how did "diabetes" serve me...how was it purposeful in my life? How did all those rules about structure and timing truly serve me? Was it that no one notice me, or bigger one, "DID I NOT NOTICE MYSELF"? How many times in my life have I forgotten about me, and MY DESIRES or WANTS for the sake of someone else's or I believed someone else's came first.
I know that there is an amazing incredible human being and life force in me that has huge potential, and how have I continued to hold it down? You know what, is how time after time, i continued to get locked in, held down, in my life because I was a women. No I am not a women's liber nor a men hater...This is not good, bad, right, or wrong yet this is something that I am coming more conscious with. What have I been stopped from by doing because I had the culturally conditioned beliefs, values and attitudes of this Industrial Age society. I think back on the Victoria Era and how here in Canada, US and Britain how we thought of men and women - Separate Sphere's - men were in the domain of the keepers of the task and women keepers of the religion, nuturer's, family. No wonder ALL of us are screaming at this point because no longer do any of us want to continue with these SET roles!!!!
Trust me, there are a lot of man in my life that want to be engaged in and are up for absolutely meaningful conversations that matter to them!!!
When I was 40 I went up against a panel to get accepted into the Bachelor of Education program. At that time there were 900 possible applications with 60 seats available. During that panel I spoke up and ask the question, "why is it, that my brother, who is 11 months older than me, a lawyer, and here I am 40, still trying to get into this program?"
Yes, the possibilities of being a lawyer was there for me as well but was it? I do believe he worked very hard to where he is right now, in his life, and why did I give up on myself to my own possibilities? I know in my being that I have huge possiblities for "ME" that have not even be touch as yet....
I stand at now, and look into my emerging future...there are so many possibilities that are opening up for me - my path, and yes there can be many pathways to personal "power" that can be taken - and how, it makes sense of all the things, situations, hurts, joys, travel to many places, lived in many places, met many different people in my life, has all taken me to this place, to exactly how purposeful my life is NOW!
Yes, I open up to the many possiblities that I have of my own WANTS and DISIRES? This is not about the desires and wants I had for my son, I have let go of that notion - no, he is on his own journey and very capabile of creating what his own desires and wants - he is just fine, and life is way better for me to be living in my own body - not to my surprize, he wants to live his own life, and is becoming closer to me because I have given up that "mother role" that was keeping us locked down in punny, controlling yucky existence. I am very proud of him as he motors on through his own stuff, and elated for him as he choose to participate in and International
Student Volunteer Program this summer for a month in New Zealand!!! Now how much better does life get when you listen to your own impluses!!!
A huge sigh - i believe "relief" - I thank myself for listening to my own impluses, moment to moment, over this past year, not always easy, yet WOW where I am standing now, is UNBELIEVABLE TO ME!!!!
Yesterday, I decided to spring clean and in that process, take all my diabetic needles, return the used needles container, insulin that I haven't used since last September, and my used insulin pen to the pharmacy to depose of. I guess I thought it was no big deal and the pharmacist took all my supplies and didn't say a word to me. In the past, I could of been externally rewarded with the notion that it was not a big deal and be okay in my intelligent while the intelligent of my body would be screaming (that I would hold down).
From there I was heading to the gym to do my workout. Well, my body was just vibrating when I was working out - i found it funny, and thought to myself, what is going on?
I wondered if I was tired and just was not up to working out. I engaged in conversation with a women also working out that has "MS" and we talked about, "me, being no longer diabetic" and how because she is in a wheel chair, there are not many people that will talk to her. I am so up for those meaningful conversations...
I then talked to the owner of the Gym and told her about what I had just done at the pharmacy.
Her hold face just lite up and she shcrieked with joy, "Good for you!!!" I said to her that it was peculiar that I didn't feel like working out, and she replied, "no wonder!!!".
At that moment, I realized the immensely meaningful, taking my life back, freedom that I now experience, my journey that I have been on over this past year, actually since this month a year ago - Wow, i must say, HOW QUICKLY MY LIFE HAS CHANGED... Thanks to the programs I took through the WEL-Systems Institute. How different my life really is, and how whole I am with all that has happen to me in my life up to this point. WOW! I marvel at the magnificent of my OWN journey, and it has all brought me to this place I am standing in right now. My life is not happening to someone else or "out there" it is happening to me "in here".
I had a recent conversation with a person I value their opinion (guess what, we all have a belly button, LOL) and I talked about, how I am in "HUGELY" better health now, then even before I got diabetes. How can that be? I believe my health is better then even when I was in my twenties...
Funny how quickly I can dismiss this hugely important "Naming It" "Claiming It" process - that I'm not even paying attention to, yet yesterday MY BODY WAS VIBRATING WITH HUGE EMANCIPATION!!!
Go figure, I thought I was done with "Diabetes" last fall....yesterday, when my husband came home I told him what I did and he was also elated. Something I am truly missing and at the same time, really getting - he said that it was my final end to even the thought of "diabetes" by returning all the supplies and by getting all the supplies out of the house. He wondered if by having them still in the house if I was truly holding onto to something. Believe me, I didn't think about it that way, and yes, it was true in my body...
Right now, I feel a "sadness" go over me...it is not about what I have come to, but how did "diabetes" serve me...how was it purposeful in my life? How did all those rules about structure and timing truly serve me? Was it that no one notice me, or bigger one, "DID I NOT NOTICE MYSELF"? How many times in my life have I forgotten about me, and MY DESIRES or WANTS for the sake of someone else's or I believed someone else's came first.
I know that there is an amazing incredible human being and life force in me that has huge potential, and how have I continued to hold it down? You know what, is how time after time, i continued to get locked in, held down, in my life because I was a women. No I am not a women's liber nor a men hater...This is not good, bad, right, or wrong yet this is something that I am coming more conscious with. What have I been stopped from by doing because I had the culturally conditioned beliefs, values and attitudes of this Industrial Age society. I think back on the Victoria Era and how here in Canada, US and Britain how we thought of men and women - Separate Sphere's - men were in the domain of the keepers of the task and women keepers of the religion, nuturer's, family. No wonder ALL of us are screaming at this point because no longer do any of us want to continue with these SET roles!!!!
Trust me, there are a lot of man in my life that want to be engaged in and are up for absolutely meaningful conversations that matter to them!!!
When I was 40 I went up against a panel to get accepted into the Bachelor of Education program. At that time there were 900 possible applications with 60 seats available. During that panel I spoke up and ask the question, "why is it, that my brother, who is 11 months older than me, a lawyer, and here I am 40, still trying to get into this program?"
Yes, the possibilities of being a lawyer was there for me as well but was it? I do believe he worked very hard to where he is right now, in his life, and why did I give up on myself to my own possibilities? I know in my being that I have huge possiblities for "ME" that have not even be touch as yet....
I stand at now, and look into my emerging future...there are so many possibilities that are opening up for me - my path, and yes there can be many pathways to personal "power" that can be taken - and how, it makes sense of all the things, situations, hurts, joys, travel to many places, lived in many places, met many different people in my life, has all taken me to this place, to exactly how purposeful my life is NOW!
Yes, I open up to the many possiblities that I have of my own WANTS and DISIRES? This is not about the desires and wants I had for my son, I have let go of that notion - no, he is on his own journey and very capabile of creating what his own desires and wants - he is just fine, and life is way better for me to be living in my own body - not to my surprize, he wants to live his own life, and is becoming closer to me because I have given up that "mother role" that was keeping us locked down in punny, controlling yucky existence. I am very proud of him as he motors on through his own stuff, and elated for him as he choose to participate in and International
Student Volunteer Program this summer for a month in New Zealand!!! Now how much better does life get when you listen to your own impluses!!!
A huge sigh - i believe "relief" - I thank myself for listening to my own impluses, moment to moment, over this past year, not always easy, yet WOW where I am standing now, is UNBELIEVABLE TO ME!!!!
Monday, April 14, 2008
IT IS AS SIMPLE AS BREATHING ALLOWING ME TO KNOW WHO I AM CAPABLE OF BECOMING
This morning when I woke up, I woke up to birds singing...i layed there for awhile and just listened...i began to think about the winter i just experienced here in Ottawa, on how intense it was with lots of snow - i don't know if we reach the record that was set in 1970-71 and who cares; yet a huge metaphor for me on how I am living my life... I am realizing that I am okay, because I am "awake" and that my life will unfold purposefully....it is interesting to me how the snow is melting slowing, without too many floods, with the combination of rainy days, (lots of melting days), days that are "breaks" from melting (below zero F), and days that are just a consistent, yet manageable melting - am I fed up with the snow still hanging around, YES, and am I surprised, NO. I am waiting in anticipation for the Spring to arrive...and has it already arrived, even though there is snow still here? Yes, this is a huge awareness for me, just this past sentence, wondering how many times in my life I "WAIT" for something to end, for something to begin?
I wonder with even just my breathe, on how I "wait" for my breathe to end, before I allow another to come in. Hmm, what are the different ways I breathe? This is not about the different types of breathe yet how do I really breathe? I know at times i breathe deep into the base of my spine and allow moment. Now, which way do I choose; do I always breathe that way when something that I find difficult - to not breathe towards yet, stop breathe, or turn away?
It is not any harder to get from one deep breathe to another and know that I will find more clarity of Who I am capable of becoming? It is that simple. Yet, do I always allow myself to "STOP" and allow my breathe to go deep into the base of my spine - allowing whatever needs to happen, happen?
I am blogging for a reason, that is because, it is giving a different vibration for me - to delve deep into the tissue of my own body, and experience the truth of my own experience...
Instead of paying attention to breathe going into my body, something that I am so clear about, I will pay more attention to the breathe that is leaving my body?...and who knows where that will take me...breathing out....
I wonder with even just my breathe, on how I "wait" for my breathe to end, before I allow another to come in. Hmm, what are the different ways I breathe? This is not about the different types of breathe yet how do I really breathe? I know at times i breathe deep into the base of my spine and allow moment. Now, which way do I choose; do I always breathe that way when something that I find difficult - to not breathe towards yet, stop breathe, or turn away?
It is not any harder to get from one deep breathe to another and know that I will find more clarity of Who I am capable of becoming? It is that simple. Yet, do I always allow myself to "STOP" and allow my breathe to go deep into the base of my spine - allowing whatever needs to happen, happen?
I am blogging for a reason, that is because, it is giving a different vibration for me - to delve deep into the tissue of my own body, and experience the truth of my own experience...
Instead of paying attention to breathe going into my body, something that I am so clear about, I will pay more attention to the breathe that is leaving my body?...and who knows where that will take me...breathing out....
Saturday, April 12, 2008
THAT IS THE STUFF, I BELIEVE, MAKES US ILL...
Last night I went out to a dinner to my husband's co-workers home, and another couple was there as well. It is interesting for me on how fast my life is going and how awake I am to it. The conversation around the dinner table at first was some of the "water-cooler" talk and how I looked at that differently. It was interested to me, for me, to be around this type of talk because I had totally excluded myself these past seven years to the point of isolation - so this type of talk has not been even in my 2 foot radius - of course, I was very clear that there is intelligence to every behaviour - no exempt!
A little later around the dinner table, one of the men spoke up and was taking about how his neighbours continue to call him for odd jobs and he is consumed by it. Again, I opened my mouth and shared with him a conversation that came up for me last week, and I am going to say it again, because I leave in a holographic universe,
when do I say "no" and mean "no"
when do I say "yes" and mean "yes"
when do I say "no" and mean "yes" (hmm, interesting those also are lost opportunities...)
WHEN DO I SAY "YES" AND MY BODY IS SCREAMING "NO"!
I was honest and true to myself and said, "that is the stuff, I believe, that makes us ill". By this time I could see that he was looking down at his dinner plate - he replied, "oh, I will just get my wife to say "no" for me". I again spoke up and said, "from my own experience, that too will make you sick - when I stand tall in whom I am, and truly draw the line in the stand for me - people are certain of my intentions and situations go away from me - no hiding, no avoiding, no nothing...end of story PERIOD
And I shared with him, the beauty of all of this, what I have found true to me, is that I didn't have to make up big, untrue stories, or excuses, or be nasty, or have a big argument. It was pure and simple, "no".
What I am also very clear about, is that I can change my mind...if I happen to not want to today, then all I have to say is, "no, not today".
This week has been an amazing week for me. I have had many conversations that have made a difference in someone's life because they told me so. I am doing an information session next weekend and last night gained so much information about where and how to contact the military and the universities.
I didn't push the river and life unfolded for me - I am even getter clearer on the meaning of "life unfolds exactly as it needs to" - there has been amazing Purpose for me - my life just gets bigger...all I do each morning is ask this question, "how does the lifeforce that I am, choose to live today"...
Aloha! I send to my family in Hawaii right now!
love, laughter and FUN!!!!
oh breathing is good right now!!!
A little later around the dinner table, one of the men spoke up and was taking about how his neighbours continue to call him for odd jobs and he is consumed by it. Again, I opened my mouth and shared with him a conversation that came up for me last week, and I am going to say it again, because I leave in a holographic universe,
when do I say "no" and mean "no"
when do I say "yes" and mean "yes"
when do I say "no" and mean "yes" (hmm, interesting those also are lost opportunities...)
WHEN DO I SAY "YES" AND MY BODY IS SCREAMING "NO"!
I was honest and true to myself and said, "that is the stuff, I believe, that makes us ill". By this time I could see that he was looking down at his dinner plate - he replied, "oh, I will just get my wife to say "no" for me". I again spoke up and said, "from my own experience, that too will make you sick - when I stand tall in whom I am, and truly draw the line in the stand for me - people are certain of my intentions and situations go away from me - no hiding, no avoiding, no nothing...end of story PERIOD
And I shared with him, the beauty of all of this, what I have found true to me, is that I didn't have to make up big, untrue stories, or excuses, or be nasty, or have a big argument. It was pure and simple, "no".
What I am also very clear about, is that I can change my mind...if I happen to not want to today, then all I have to say is, "no, not today".
This week has been an amazing week for me. I have had many conversations that have made a difference in someone's life because they told me so. I am doing an information session next weekend and last night gained so much information about where and how to contact the military and the universities.
I didn't push the river and life unfolded for me - I am even getter clearer on the meaning of "life unfolds exactly as it needs to" - there has been amazing Purpose for me - my life just gets bigger...all I do each morning is ask this question, "how does the lifeforce that I am, choose to live today"...
Aloha! I send to my family in Hawaii right now!
love, laughter and FUN!!!!
oh breathing is good right now!!!
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Stepping Up To The Plate for MYSELF Will Enrich MY OWN LIFE, FIRST!!!!
Something has come into my awareness, in particular, two words, that, maybe I am not using them the way I intend them to, to make meaning for myself....
I often find correcting myself, "no I don't need anything.."
Okay, this was even a lesson plan I would do when I taught...the two words are, "want" and "need"... maybe I have attached these words to my intelligent...?
Before I go on, I know that even though I believe I have them clear in my intelligent, I might surprise myself that I have them anchored to many or some events/situations throughout my life, that are still in the cells of my body that I have locked down...no longer serving me, yet still when I verbalize, say them out loud, and experience conflict, with"need". Funny how, it doesn't end up being the truth of what I believe for myself..right away my body knows that something is not the same as how my words are coming out...and I will pay attention to my body - is this my fire going inward? Do I say this without listening to how my body is? Is this a "culturally conditioned" response that I have a belief in me, that someone will support me?
From the Concise Oxford Dictionary, Seventh Edition, the following two definitions are:
WANT: 1.lack, absence, deficiency, of (ship rotting for want of paint; took this for want of anything better; shows great want of thought, care, sense, judgement) 2. need of, need of sustenance, poverty, (is in want of money, a gardener; living in great want) 3. desire for thing held necessity to life or happiness's or success or completion, thing so desired, (a man of fews wants; meets a long-felt want; can supply your wants
NEED: 1. v.t. stand in need of, require. 2. be under necessity or obligation to or to do (it needs to be done with care; need you ask?; (ellipt.) don't be away longer than you need): (in 3 sing, pres, neg. or interrog. need without to: he need not trouble himself; need she have come at all?. colloq.) it needn't, or doesn't need to be finished;~not have done, did not need to do) 3. v.i. (arch) be necessary; it~s not, it is needless; more than~s, than is necessary.
I don't know where my blogging is going with this...the two definitions are not resonating with me...
I am playing, "want" - the absent of the present? I am liking the definition of the ship rotting for want of paint....
hmm, this is starting to make sense to me....what do I "WANT" to do that will help my "business" grow - "ship rotting for want of paint"
I am in the body right now, what do I want, that maybe I am not paying attention to, that will move my business forward...
I am very aware that I listen to my impulse, moment to moment, and engage - lots is happening there...
AND i know there are a few things that I want to do, not need to do, that will make a difference to me...
So I will talk about "need" - WOW what is coming up is that the word "NEED" may completely be dissolved and never be used - I certainly know that I don't "need" anything....
Do I need to couple these two words together? Are they polar opposites for me? I am going to listen to myself and pay attention to my situation I am in at that moment, or just simply why I am choosing to use "need" and if I continue to use the word, "want".
This blog feels like there is no connection, and I do know that by paying attention to what is coming up now, there may be something just behind, that brings more meaning/clarity to me....
I am very clear of who I am, so this type of playing does not confuse me anymore...as it has done in the past...this is sparking my curiosity because I still correct myself when I hear myself say, "need"...
One question I will ask again using the word, "need" , "is this a 'Culturally Conditioned' response I believed, that I will be supported throughout my adult life?
This is not good or bad, right or wrong, but very useful for me right now because maybe this is coming into my awareness now - AND I NO THAT I AM FINE ON MY OWN - no, I am very happy with whom I with, yet know that stepping up to the plate for MYSELF will enrich MY OWN LIFE first!!!
Lots of confusion writing this blogg and very certain that I am grounded...there is no more drama - and yes I am experiencing INTENSITY!!! My fire is burning with glowing intensity...
I often find correcting myself, "no I don't need anything.."
Okay, this was even a lesson plan I would do when I taught...the two words are, "want" and "need"... maybe I have attached these words to my intelligent...?
Before I go on, I know that even though I believe I have them clear in my intelligent, I might surprise myself that I have them anchored to many or some events/situations throughout my life, that are still in the cells of my body that I have locked down...no longer serving me, yet still when I verbalize, say them out loud, and experience conflict, with"need". Funny how, it doesn't end up being the truth of what I believe for myself..right away my body knows that something is not the same as how my words are coming out...and I will pay attention to my body - is this my fire going inward? Do I say this without listening to how my body is? Is this a "culturally conditioned" response that I have a belief in me, that someone will support me?
From the Concise Oxford Dictionary, Seventh Edition, the following two definitions are:
WANT: 1.lack, absence, deficiency, of (ship rotting for want of paint; took this for want of anything better; shows great want of thought, care, sense, judgement) 2. need of, need of sustenance, poverty, (is in want of money, a gardener; living in great want) 3. desire for thing held necessity to life or happiness's or success or completion, thing so desired, (a man of fews wants; meets a long-felt want; can supply your wants
NEED: 1. v.t. stand in need of, require. 2. be under necessity or obligation to or to do (it needs to be done with care; need you ask?; (ellipt.) don't be away longer than you need): (in 3 sing, pres, neg. or interrog. need without to: he need not trouble himself; need she have come at all?. colloq.) it needn't, or doesn't need to be finished;~not have done, did not need to do) 3. v.i. (arch) be necessary; it~s not, it is needless; more than~s, than is necessary.
I don't know where my blogging is going with this...the two definitions are not resonating with me...
I am playing, "want" - the absent of the present? I am liking the definition of the ship rotting for want of paint....
hmm, this is starting to make sense to me....what do I "WANT" to do that will help my "business" grow - "ship rotting for want of paint"
I am in the body right now, what do I want, that maybe I am not paying attention to, that will move my business forward...
I am very aware that I listen to my impulse, moment to moment, and engage - lots is happening there...
AND i know there are a few things that I want to do, not need to do, that will make a difference to me...
So I will talk about "need" - WOW what is coming up is that the word "NEED" may completely be dissolved and never be used - I certainly know that I don't "need" anything....
Do I need to couple these two words together? Are they polar opposites for me? I am going to listen to myself and pay attention to my situation I am in at that moment, or just simply why I am choosing to use "need" and if I continue to use the word, "want".
This blog feels like there is no connection, and I do know that by paying attention to what is coming up now, there may be something just behind, that brings more meaning/clarity to me....
I am very clear of who I am, so this type of playing does not confuse me anymore...as it has done in the past...this is sparking my curiosity because I still correct myself when I hear myself say, "need"...
One question I will ask again using the word, "need" , "is this a 'Culturally Conditioned' response I believed, that I will be supported throughout my adult life?
This is not good or bad, right or wrong, but very useful for me right now because maybe this is coming into my awareness now - AND I NO THAT I AM FINE ON MY OWN - no, I am very happy with whom I with, yet know that stepping up to the plate for MYSELF will enrich MY OWN LIFE first!!!
Lots of confusion writing this blogg and very certain that I am grounded...there is no more drama - and yes I am experiencing INTENSITY!!! My fire is burning with glowing intensity...
Monday, April 7, 2008
Unquencable Thirst for my Awaken Journey....
In this past month, I have noticed that I have this unquenchable thirst for something more...it is clear to me that that something more is, authentic"Me". Not that me of the past, and that is not right or wrong, good or bad yet me RIGHT NOW and looking up into my emergying FUTURE. Yes, how simple and yet how hard I have made it.
This morning I bloged and you no what, when I saved it, it didn't save. I was at first mad at myself and then quickly went to a place of "surrender'. Not the white light and forgiveness stuff - man, I was too firey to forgive yet to really surrender.
Hmm, there is a difference and I am very aware...let me go to the dictionary and look up the definition of "surrender".... from the Winston Canadian dictionary..."to yield (oneself) to an influence or emotion:-v.i. to yield or give up the struggle:n. the act of yielding to an outside influence: also the giving up of a claim or privilege.
This is interesting for me, and I am in a very different place then even a month ago. I am clear that I have stop looking outside myself for answers, outside "absolute" questions and turned inward to my own truth. Wow, simple yet I made it hard....
Struggle is another word that I have collasped...i had the belief that if I didn't struggle then it wasn't worth pursuing...funny how now, floating down stream with the current is a lot easier then pushing upstream.
There is a simple nursey rhyme song, "Row, row, YOUR boat. GENTLY DOWN the stream. Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, LIFE IS 'Bout A DREAM"!
Right now, I am okay to not continue to blog...it is okay for me to change my mind that I am not wanting to do this right now...all I need to do is breathe deeply into the base of my spine...
This morning I bloged and you no what, when I saved it, it didn't save. I was at first mad at myself and then quickly went to a place of "surrender'. Not the white light and forgiveness stuff - man, I was too firey to forgive yet to really surrender.
Hmm, there is a difference and I am very aware...let me go to the dictionary and look up the definition of "surrender".... from the Winston Canadian dictionary..."to yield (oneself) to an influence or emotion:-v.i. to yield or give up the struggle:n. the act of yielding to an outside influence: also the giving up of a claim or privilege.
This is interesting for me, and I am in a very different place then even a month ago. I am clear that I have stop looking outside myself for answers, outside "absolute" questions and turned inward to my own truth. Wow, simple yet I made it hard....
Struggle is another word that I have collasped...i had the belief that if I didn't struggle then it wasn't worth pursuing...funny how now, floating down stream with the current is a lot easier then pushing upstream.
There is a simple nursey rhyme song, "Row, row, YOUR boat. GENTLY DOWN the stream. Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, LIFE IS 'Bout A DREAM"!
Right now, I am okay to not continue to blog...it is okay for me to change my mind that I am not wanting to do this right now...all I need to do is breathe deeply into the base of my spine...
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Do I need a Mother? Hmm, does my son need a mother?
I had an awareness two weekends ago that has left me "empty". It has be rumbling around in me and even though I know I don't have to judge, beat myself up, feel 'betrayed' or whatever...
it is the truth of my OWN experience.
Maybe I am waking up to something that I have always been numbed to? I really am fine, yet, know that if I don't have the experience in my own body, then, how do I even connect with someone that has the same experience in their body?
A huge question for me is one I turn towards, and yes, it is Compelling for me....
Do I need a mother?
and Does my son need a mother?
This past year, I have played with these notions and have left them every time with not moving to the next place - yes, a place of 'freeing' myself which allows my son and my mother to live bigger lives and not make them small - and yet, I was choosing not to do so. Something deep inside of my wanted to keep to my known past that I felt a comfort zone with, and knowing that my life will not get bigger, if I don't 'free' myself and allow my son, to stand in the magnificent of his imperfections, and ...this one is in harder right now, allow my mother to stand in who she truly is -not who I think she should be...wow!
Yes, i have always seen the potential of having my mother as a great friend, and not as a mother. Somehow, because I am from a family of twelve, my mother was my oldest sister that died eight years ago. I miss Kathleen beyond words, and know that it is okay to go on - something that is coming to me is that this is the time frame that I started to really get sick - "depression", my "PMS" reved up LOL!!! and the "diabetes" - isolation from everyone even my own immediate family...my son commented on how I retreated to the bedroom and locked everyone out...
Okay let me go back to my mother, when do i step up to the plate and fire myself as a daughter?...i don't believe when I am 48 years old that I have to connect with her as a daughter, yet, in my past always connected on a different capacity - we shared great laughter when I was living with my family - and my father use to comment - lots of yellow sunshine was brought into the home through our heighten laughter. She is a gift to me for this immense joy and humor I experience in my body. the question I have for myself is, she has so much to give me, as I do to her, why not get on with getting rid of those punning boundaries that put me into a box...it makes me feel small and as if I never grew up when I continue to play this dance of mother/daughter... it is just that easy to fire myself as a daughter, her as not my mother - and I will experience this relationship differently?
Today's blogging is so useful for me, yet something that is making me spin like a spin top....i know that the waves I had during writing this blog has already propelled me into my future...who knows where it takes me, and I know the ride is FUN now!!! I will continue to pay attention to my breathing even more then I normally do...my guess is that I will be wanting to hold it quite a bit...LOL!!!
it is the truth of my OWN experience.
Maybe I am waking up to something that I have always been numbed to? I really am fine, yet, know that if I don't have the experience in my own body, then, how do I even connect with someone that has the same experience in their body?
A huge question for me is one I turn towards, and yes, it is Compelling for me....
Do I need a mother?
and Does my son need a mother?
This past year, I have played with these notions and have left them every time with not moving to the next place - yes, a place of 'freeing' myself which allows my son and my mother to live bigger lives and not make them small - and yet, I was choosing not to do so. Something deep inside of my wanted to keep to my known past that I felt a comfort zone with, and knowing that my life will not get bigger, if I don't 'free' myself and allow my son, to stand in the magnificent of his imperfections, and ...this one is in harder right now, allow my mother to stand in who she truly is -not who I think she should be...wow!
Yes, i have always seen the potential of having my mother as a great friend, and not as a mother. Somehow, because I am from a family of twelve, my mother was my oldest sister that died eight years ago. I miss Kathleen beyond words, and know that it is okay to go on - something that is coming to me is that this is the time frame that I started to really get sick - "depression", my "PMS" reved up LOL!!! and the "diabetes" - isolation from everyone even my own immediate family...my son commented on how I retreated to the bedroom and locked everyone out...
Okay let me go back to my mother, when do i step up to the plate and fire myself as a daughter?...i don't believe when I am 48 years old that I have to connect with her as a daughter, yet, in my past always connected on a different capacity - we shared great laughter when I was living with my family - and my father use to comment - lots of yellow sunshine was brought into the home through our heighten laughter. She is a gift to me for this immense joy and humor I experience in my body. the question I have for myself is, she has so much to give me, as I do to her, why not get on with getting rid of those punning boundaries that put me into a box...it makes me feel small and as if I never grew up when I continue to play this dance of mother/daughter... it is just that easy to fire myself as a daughter, her as not my mother - and I will experience this relationship differently?
Today's blogging is so useful for me, yet something that is making me spin like a spin top....i know that the waves I had during writing this blog has already propelled me into my future...who knows where it takes me, and I know the ride is FUN now!!! I will continue to pay attention to my breathing even more then I normally do...my guess is that I will be wanting to hold it quite a bit...LOL!!!
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