Do Shape or Am I Shaped By The World?

Friday, January 11, 2008

Changing my mind... changing my mind to not blog for a couple of days, changing my mind to do one thing and not the other and to my surprise, end up doing something totally different, changing my mind to not attend one "major" event in my life that I don't want to attend right now, then changing my decision to say"yes" I will attend after getting more clarity for myself, and who knows, in the end I may not want to go period or go, and enjoy the event? Changing my mind, that it is just fine that I talk about this subject even thou it has been talked about in two other blogs this week. (I use to have a huge belief that I couldn't talk about the same subject as someone else - that is "copy catting" LOL) Just allowing myself to change my mind and having no self doubts or beat-me-up conversations with myself, or no excuses that I feel very obliged to tell others, and more important, my "self" about doing so...man, I know it is more meaningful for me to be true and present to myself now then to be always giving myself away and end up running on empty - what fun was that?.....next thought that rolls out....do I really want to shape the world or be shaped by the world???? I am not here to save the world it is something very different.....am I willing to be internal referenced or am I willing to carry out the old patterns of my past and be external reference - running around like a "chicken" with my head cut off - oh, how many times have I heard that being said over my lifetime - and never really finding my "OWN" answers, that had any meaning for "ME"? Yes, I was satisfied for a while then oh man, having this longing that something was missing - no way, push that one down, what the hell should you be "unhappy" about and don't let anyone know that you are unhappy because they may think your nuts? Come on, you have a great life, husband, child blaa blaa - it is funny to me where I am standing right now, because "forever" did I blame my husband for all my woes. I am not here to say that all of us should stay with our husband/partner to death do us part, because there are many reasons that relationships need to part - for myself, I knew that it was way easier to blame him then for me, "perfect me" you know, "no flies on me" LOL, never did I look at myself to figure out even at a surface level that it could have something to do with me....oh boy, that really is a huge one for me and even now only coming into my awareness....yes, my husband does have his stuff, but what is important for me to pay attention to is "my stuff" LOL My life has become less complicated, and during one of the programs that I have taken in this past year, "Manifesting a Meaningful Life -Living Authentically" through the Wel-Systems Portal Passages Certification Intensives, I came to a realization that I no longer have to stay inside this tiny little small puny box that I had created for myself - it was "freeing" to me to even think about the possibilities - even as simple as making the box bigger...wow, another possibility was to not consider someone else's potential that I always honoured before my own - what about MY possibilities. Which way did I want to go to even entertain an idea? Something that has come up since is a vision... and who knows where it goes...I see myself in a lovely renovated farm house in the Niagara region among the vineyards, sitting on the top of the escapement overlooking the towns with a wonderful view of Lake Ontario. This farmhouse will be a place where family gather and also, I will enjoy doing programs and one-on-one meaningful conversations that people will find important to them, and their world will expand - this endeavour will not be pushing the river for me, it will be effortless, inspiring, have ebb and flow, no longer hard, and I will be so busy that I will be in a "good tired" state - hmmm, I know now, that if you put it out, beyond speaking it to myself, that this is how transformation happens. Who knows where this goes, and it is fun to be awake creating a life that is filling me up!!!