Do I need a Mother? Hmm, does my son need a mother?

I had an awareness two weekends ago that has left me "empty". It has be rumbling around in me and even though I know I don't have to judge, beat myself up, feel 'betrayed' or whatever...
it is the truth of my OWN experience.
Maybe I am waking up to something that I have always been numbed to? I really am fine, yet, know that if I don't have the experience in my own body, then, how do I even connect with someone that has the same experience in their body?
A huge question for me is one I turn towards, and yes, it is Compelling for me....

Do I need a mother?

and Does my son need a mother?

This past year, I have played with these notions and have left them every time with not moving to the next place - yes, a place of 'freeing' myself which allows my son and my mother to live bigger lives and not make them small - and yet, I was choosing not to do so. Something deep inside of my wanted to keep to my known past that I felt a comfort zone with, and knowing that my life will not get bigger, if I don't 'free' myself and allow my son, to stand in the magnificent of his imperfections, and ...this one is in harder right now, allow my mother to stand in who she truly is -not who I think she should be...wow!
Yes, i have always seen the potential of having my mother as a great friend, and not as a mother. Somehow, because I am from a family of twelve, my mother was my oldest sister that died eight years ago. I miss Kathleen beyond words, and know that it is okay to go on - something that is coming to me is that this is the time frame that I started to really get sick - "depression", my "PMS" reved up LOL!!! and the "diabetes" - isolation from everyone even my own immediate family...my son commented on how I retreated to the bedroom and locked everyone out...

Okay let me go back to my mother, when do i step up to the plate and fire myself as a daughter?...i don't believe when I am 48 years old that I have to connect with her as a daughter, yet, in my past always connected on a different capacity - we shared great laughter when I was living with my family - and my father use to comment - lots of yellow sunshine was brought into the home through our heighten laughter. She is a gift to me for this immense joy and humor I experience in my body. the question I have for myself is, she has so much to give me, as I do to her, why not get on with getting rid of those punning boundaries that put me into a box...it makes me feel small and as if I never grew up when I continue to play this dance of mother/daughter... it is just that easy to fire myself as a daughter, her as not my mother - and I will experience this relationship differently?

Today's blogging is so useful for me, yet something that is making me spin like a spin top....i know that the waves I had during writing this blog has already propelled me into my future...who knows where it takes me, and I know the ride is FUN now!!! I will continue to pay attention to my breathing even more then I normally do...my guess is that I will be wanting to hold it quite a bit...LOL!!!