HOW DARE ME TO HAVE WANTS AND DESIRES!!!

Something has happen in my life that is absolutely life altering for me....and my response in my body is to not share? What is this all about? Why do I want to not claim this immensely huge "fire breathe" energy for myself - and who do I become as it ignites and glows to it's full potential!!!

Yesterday, I decided to spring clean and in that process, take all my diabetic needles, return the used needles container, insulin that I haven't used since last September, and my used insulin pen to the pharmacy to depose of. I guess I thought it was no big deal and the pharmacist took all my supplies and didn't say a word to me. In the past, I could of been externally rewarded with the notion that it was not a big deal and be okay in my intelligent while the intelligent of my body would be screaming (that I would hold down).

From there I was heading to the gym to do my workout. Well, my body was just vibrating when I was working out - i found it funny, and thought to myself, what is going on?

I wondered if I was tired and just was not up to working out. I engaged in conversation with a women also working out that has "MS" and we talked about, "me, being no longer diabetic" and how because she is in a wheel chair, there are not many people that will talk to her. I am so up for those meaningful conversations...

I then talked to the owner of the Gym and told her about what I had just done at the pharmacy.
Her hold face just lite up and she shcrieked with joy, "Good for you!!!" I said to her that it was peculiar that I didn't feel like working out, and she replied, "no wonder!!!".

At that moment, I realized the immensely meaningful, taking my life back, freedom that I now experience, my journey that I have been on over this past year, actually since this month a year ago - Wow, i must say, HOW QUICKLY MY LIFE HAS CHANGED... Thanks to the programs I took through the WEL-Systems Institute. How different my life really is, and how whole I am with all that has happen to me in my life up to this point. WOW! I marvel at the magnificent of my OWN journey, and it has all brought me to this place I am standing in right now. My life is not happening to someone else or "out there" it is happening to me "in here".

I had a recent conversation with a person I value their opinion (guess what, we all have a belly button, LOL) and I talked about, how I am in "HUGELY" better health now, then even before I got diabetes. How can that be? I believe my health is better then even when I was in my twenties...

Funny how quickly I can dismiss this hugely important "Naming It" "Claiming It" process - that I'm not even paying attention to, yet yesterday MY BODY WAS VIBRATING WITH HUGE EMANCIPATION!!!

Go figure, I thought I was done with "Diabetes" last fall....yesterday, when my husband came home I told him what I did and he was also elated. Something I am truly missing and at the same time, really getting - he said that it was my final end to even the thought of "diabetes" by returning all the supplies and by getting all the supplies out of the house. He wondered if by having them still in the house if I was truly holding onto to something. Believe me, I didn't think about it that way, and yes, it was true in my body...

Right now, I feel a "sadness" go over me...it is not about what I have come to, but how did "diabetes" serve me...how was it purposeful in my life? How did all those rules about structure and timing truly serve me? Was it that no one notice me, or bigger one, "DID I NOT NOTICE MYSELF"? How many times in my life have I forgotten about me, and MY DESIRES or WANTS for the sake of someone else's or I believed someone else's came first.

I know that there is an amazing incredible human being and life force in me that has huge potential, and how have I continued to hold it down? You know what, is how time after time, i continued to get locked in, held down, in my life because I was a women. No I am not a women's liber nor a men hater...This is not good, bad, right, or wrong yet this is something that I am coming more conscious with. What have I been stopped from by doing because I had the culturally conditioned beliefs, values and attitudes of this Industrial Age society. I think back on the Victoria Era and how here in Canada, US and Britain how we thought of men and women - Separate Sphere's - men were in the domain of the keepers of the task and women keepers of the religion, nuturer's, family. No wonder ALL of us are screaming at this point because no longer do any of us want to continue with these SET roles!!!!
Trust me, there are a lot of man in my life that want to be engaged in and are up for absolutely meaningful conversations that matter to them!!!

When I was 40 I went up against a panel to get accepted into the Bachelor of Education program. At that time there were 900 possible applications with 60 seats available. During that panel I spoke up and ask the question, "why is it, that my brother, who is 11 months older than me, a lawyer, and here I am 40, still trying to get into this program?"

Yes, the possibilities of being a lawyer was there for me as well but was it? I do believe he worked very hard to where he is right now, in his life, and why did I give up on myself to my own possibilities? I know in my being that I have huge possiblities for "ME" that have not even be touch as yet....

I stand at now, and look into my emerging future...there are so many possibilities that are opening up for me - my path, and yes there can be many pathways to personal "power" that can be taken - and how, it makes sense of all the things, situations, hurts, joys, travel to many places, lived in many places, met many different people in my life, has all taken me to this place, to exactly how purposeful my life is NOW!

Yes, I open up to the many possiblities that I have of my own WANTS and DISIRES? This is not about the desires and wants I had for my son, I have let go of that notion - no, he is on his own journey and very capabile of creating what his own desires and wants - he is just fine, and life is way better for me to be living in my own body - not to my surprize, he wants to live his own life, and is becoming closer to me because I have given up that "mother role" that was keeping us locked down in punny, controlling yucky existence. I am very proud of him as he motors on through his own stuff, and elated for him as he choose to participate in and International
Student Volunteer Program this summer for a month in New Zealand!!! Now how much better does life get when you listen to your own impluses!!!

A huge sigh - i believe "relief" - I thank myself for listening to my own impluses, moment to moment, over this past year, not always easy, yet WOW where I am standing now, is UNBELIEVABLE TO ME!!!!